Angelique Pledges Allegiance!


Angelique Pays Her Last Respects to Barnabas!
"So you see, Barnabas, except for everything being my fault, everything was your fault."


Barnabas Wonders Whatever Happened To His Transylvania Twist?

Today on Dark Shadows...


Angelique Goes Before The World Scientific Community!
"Cold Fusion CAN work, I tell you!"


Ben Becomes a Lawn Gnome!


High-Powered Executive Vampire Barnabas Collins Chases The Secretary Around His Coffin!


Episodes 410-411

Images copyright Dan Curtis Productions
Text copyright Graeme Cree


          The Story So Far:   In the year 1796, Barnabas Collins has died as the result of an attack by a vampire bat... in his living room. Believing that he died of the plague, his father Joshua, patriarch of the Collins Clan, makes plans to cover the whole thing up.

Dramatis Personae

(Every living soul that appears in these two episodes, and then some.)

Barnabas Collins: He's dead, so he can't possibly figure into the story, right? I mean, that is logical, isn't it?
Angelique Collins: Barnabas' ex-wife is a witch. Not just by temperament, but cauldrons, black cats, pointy hats, the works. Through magic and general skullduggery, she tricked Barnabas into marrying her, only to take a bullet from him after he learned the truth. Believing she was dying, she cast a rather convoluted curse that not only affected Barnabas himself, but also doomed anyone who should ever love him. (For someone who thought she was dying, she really had too a bit much time on her hands.)
Joshua Collins: Barnabas' curmudgeonly father, whose crusty exterior conceals a heart of stone. Joshua opposed Barnabas' marriage to Angelique, not because he had any inkling that she was a witch, but simply because his pants were too tight.
Josette Collins: Josette was Barnabas' fiance before Angelique muscled in on Josette's territory. As a result of Angelique's love spell, Josette was induced to marry Barnabas' uncle Jeremiah. Consequently, Jeremiah was promptly challenged to a duel by Barnabas. Jeremiah shot his mouth off about the wedding, and Barnabas returned the favor in the duel.
Jeremiah Collins: Jeremiah was raised as a zombie after the duel, in order to help keep Barnabas away from Josette. In the end, he... uh... well, come to think of it, we never did resolve his story, he just sort of disappeared. Presumably he's still out there somewhere, trying to get a part in a Tim Burton movie or something.
Ben Stokes: In keeping with the tradition of Evil Characters having dimwitted comedy relief sidekicks, Angelique has enslaved family servant Ben Stokes to do her dirty work. Stokes, who hadn't bathed since the Revolutionary War, was by far the most qualified for this.
Victoria Winters: Time-travelling governess from the 20th century. Vicki brought a book with her back to the past, that outlined a rather sanitized version of the Collins family history, which either buried or misrepresented all the most interesting parts. The least successful time traveller in history, Vicki spends most of this storyline languishing in jail awaiting execution for Misdemeanor Witchcraft.
Countess Natalie duPres: Josette's aunt. Manages to make Heads of Miss Winters' book, but not Tails.
Quentin Collins: 19th century heartthrob from future storylines, whose exploits form the basis of Natalie's primary interest in Vicki's Family History book. (Rumors have it that the next edition will be published in a plain brown wrapper.)
Dan Curtis and Bob Lloyd: The show's creator and head announcer occasionally interject Mystery Science Theater 3000-style commentary into the proceedings. But only occasionally, as the show is usually just too darn interesting to talk over. (At least that's what Dan claims, Bob says it's because he just can't think of any more to say.)
Collinwood's Interior Decorators: They don't appear in the story, and with taste like this, who can blame them?
Bubonic Plague: Apparently, people in the 18th century believed that the symptoms of this disease consisted of two bite marks on the neck, followed by an almost complete loss of blood.


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin: (Graeme Cree)
"My name is Barnabas Collins. Ever since my unfortunate death, I have been working feverishly on a solution to the problem. Perhaps I need to start thinking outside the box..."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) There is a full moon over Collinwood tonight. This has no relevance to our current storyline, but when the werewolf story gets going, you'll see that we have one of these several times a week."


Blank:
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BurkeDevlin:
(In Barnabas' Room, Angelique paces near Barnabas' coffin)
"(Angelique) Now, I don't like to say "I told you so", Barnabas..."


BurkeDevlin:
(Joshua enters)
"(Joshua) The men have come to take the casket."
"(Angelique) Take the casket?? What about the funeral? What about the flowers? What about a eulogy? Isn't Barnabas going to get any of that?"
"(Joshua) No time now. We'll save all that for his next funeral."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) This is outrageous. My husband is to be denied a service of any kind?"
"(Joshua) Coming from one who admits she hasn't even been baptized, all I can say to that is Pthhhht!"
"(Angelique) I have some rights!"
"(Joshua) As far as I am concerned, you have none!"
"(Angelique) As far as the law is concerned, I do."
"(Joshua) Rubbish! You tricked my son into marrying you! There is such a thing as Honor! As Decency! As Fair and Honest dealings."
"(Angelique) Coming from a man who tricked his employees at the shipyard into signing a contract that paid them in Quatloos instead of Dollars..."
"(Joshua) That's different, that's business!!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) You have never given me a chance! Even now, you refuse to accept the fact that I have sorrow!"
"(Joshua) Sorry?? Fah! You're not even wearing Black!"
"(Angelique) My black dress is still at the cleaners after Jeremiah's funeral."
"(Joshua) Around here, all of our black clothing is wash and wear!"
"(Angelique) Be that as it may, I will not let you take Barnabas away."
"(Joshua) You have no choice. Barnabas must be buried tonight."
"(Angelique) But he has no burial plot!"
"(Joshua) I've got that taken care of."
"(Angelique) What are you plotting??"
"(Joshua) My Plot Plot is none of your business, Madame."
"(Angelique) Your Plot Plot?"
"(Joshua) It's a plot about a burial plot! What would you call it?"
"(Angelique) Okay, Plot Plot is fine."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) But why do you need a 'Plot Plot' in the first place?"
"(Joshua) The knowledge that my son died of the Plague would merely panic the people in the village."
"(Angelique) Since when do you care about the people in the Village?"
"(Joshua) It might panic them so much that they'd refuse to work in our shipyards. Or worse yet, form an angry mob with torches, to storm the house. I've seen it happen."
"(Angelique) I think you're overreacting."
"(Joshua) I think not. I've seen what fear of the Plague can do. If people knew about this, they'd avoid us like... like..."
"(Angelique) Avoid us like what?"
"(Joshua) I'm not sure. I was going to say 'like the Plague', but that seems redundant somehow."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) You may have the body in the morning. Tonight I must be alone with Barnabas."
"(Joshua) Rubbish! You've been alone with him! What can you possibly do with a husband who's a cold, lifeless, dead fish of a man?"
"(Angelique) Well, your wife says that she..."
"(Joshua) Who asked you??"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) Barnabas will be buried immediately. Later in the day we will decide what to do about you."
"(Angelique) I will do nothing that you ask unless you leave him here. I'll send him to be buried when I'm good and ready."
(opens the lid, sniffs a couple of times, then slams it again)
"(Angelique) Actually, I do see some need for haste."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) All right, we bury him tonight. Still, I must insist on a formal service."
"(Joshua) That is impossible. I am spreading the word that my son left hurriedly for England on important business. And you don't have funerals for people who are alive, but have gone to England."
"(Angelique) Gone to England!? Why, that's insane!"
"(Joshua) That's the story, and you're going along with it!"
"(Angelique) Oh, I am, am I? Are you aware that I could just as easily go blab to the whole town that your son died and was buried in a secret grave?"
"(Joshua) And are you aware that there's room in that secret grave for two?"
(pause)
"(Angelique) On second thought, I could just confine myself to fretting helplessly."


Blank:
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BurkeDevlin:
(Joshua leaves)
"(Angelique) Ben? Ben! Wherever you are hiding. Hear me, come to me, I need you. More than I have ever needed you before. You must come to me. At once, Ben. At once!"
"(Ben's Voice) This is Ben Stokes. I'm not in right now, but if you'd leave your name, number, and the time you called..."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Stop fooling around and come to me, Ben! You must come to me at once! At once, Ben!"
(fade to black)
"(Angelique) After these commercial messages, of course."


Blank:
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BurkeDevlin:
(Upstairs, Natalie is reading Vicki's 20th Century History of the Collins Family)
"(Natalie) You may continue receiving volumes in our "Most Corrupt Families in Maine" series for a low $34.95 per month? Cancel at any time??"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Natalie, to herself) I've played Tarot cards to see into the future. And now, here is the future in black and white. In a book. Published, it says, in Bangor Maine. The year, 1965. But, Bangor is in Massachusetts. And 1965 is 169 years away. And who would pay $34.95 for a book? That's more than most people make in a year!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Natalie) Can Miss Winters' story be true? Can she have come from another time? Or is this book some monstrous joke? Some work of the Devil to frighten us from here, by telling us that Josette will die. Of course, that would presuppose that Miss Winters is a witch, but doesn't want to kill us, for some reason. Oh, it's all so complicated. I've got to think calmly, coldly, and rationally, to come up with some reasoned method of dealing with this."
(pause)
"(Natalie, picking up an orb) Is Miss Winters really a witch, Magic 8-Ball?"
"(Magic 8 Ball) Reply Hazy, Ask Again Later."
"(Natalie) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Josette enters)
"(Josette) Are you reading that book again?"
"(Natalie) Only for the parts about Quentin Collins! If there is such a thing as time travel, I'd love to meet that guy."
"(Josette) I remember him. The book said he'd go for anything in a dress!"
"(Natalie) I wonder if this Quentin Collins might be adopted? Goodness knows, nobody else in this family has a libido like that."
"(Josette) Are you sure? Maybe they just hide it better."
"(Natalie) All I know is I spent 3 hours out at the Gazebo the other night, and didn't receive a single indecent proposal. Can you think of any other explanation?"
"(Josette) None that wouldn't get my face slapped."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Josette) Aunt Natalie, do you think Miss Winters could have been from the future? It seems like such an incredible story."
"(Natalie) If you think that's incredible, look at these pictures from 1897. In those days the family had a servant named Rachel Drummond, and a house guest, Lady Kitty Hampshire, who looked exactly like each other and you, yet nobody noticed. How do you explain that?"
"(Josette) TV Logic?"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Natalie) We shouldn't stay here. We should go to the new house. You're exhausted. I should not have allowed you to sit with Mrs. Collins. I should have insisted that you leave."
"(Josette) No, I wanted to stay. It's done us both good, talking of Barnabas."
"(Natalie) Josette??! Oh, that's awful! You'll just make yourselves miserable."
"(Josette) No, no, it was really good. We talked about how much better it was when he was alive, and stuff."
"(Natalie) Oh, brother."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Josette) I think it helped Mrs. Collins too. She spoke about how not getting enough sleep or eating his broccoli may have contributed to Barnabas' death."
"(Natalie) You're kidding."
"(Josette) Well, we all deal with grief in different ways."
"(Natalie) I know she's not the first to deal with it with an "I Told You So" way... My mother invented that one..."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Natalie) Things will be easier after we blow this taco stand, Josette. When we return to Martinique, I shall enroll you in a singles group."
"(Josette) Oh, don't go to any trouble."
"(Natalie) It's no trouble. I get a percentage for everyone I bring into our group... I mean the group!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Natalie) In fact, why don't we leave immediately?"
"(Josette) You really believe this book, don't you?"
"(Natalie) Now, I didn't say that!"
"(Josette) But you must if you're so anxious to depart."
"(Natalie) Not true. I've never liked it here. And there's no reason to stay now."
"(Josette) Jeremiah's estate is still not settled."
"(Natalie) The barristers will handle that. Why do you need to be here for it?"
"(Josette) I'm still looking for the PIN number for Jeremiah's bank account. I was sure he wrote it down somewhere..."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Josette) Pop didn't mind my staying here. When he went to New York on business, he offered no objection to my staying behind here."
"(Natalie) He will when I show him this book."
"(Josette) The one you don't believe, you mean?"
"(Natalie) That's the one... D'oh!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Josette) Look, even if you do believe the book when it says I'm going to die, how will my leaving town help?"
"(Natalie) It says you fall to your death in February 1796. Now, if you're aboard ship that whole month, you can't possibly fall off a cliff."
"(Josette) Maybe I don't fall off a cliff. For all we know, I could fall off a Crow's Nest."
"(Natalie) What's a Crow's Nest?"
"(Josette) You know, those things on top of the mast of a ship. It's like a bucket on a stick."
"(Natalie) A bucket?"
"(Josette) Yes, and perhaps that's how I'm going to... um, kick the bucket."


Blank:
-


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Natalie) Do you really want to stay here?"
"(Josette) Yes. I promised someone that I would stay and wait for him."
"(Natalie) Promised? Whom?"
"(Josette) Barnabas, if you must know. He promised me he would return, and he will."
"(Natalie) But he's dead!"
"(Josette) I didn't say it would be easy."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Natalie) All right, so he promised he'd return. Did he happen to say how long it would take?"
"(Josette) No, but he'll be here. And when he is, I need to be at Collinwood, where he can find me."
"(Natalie) Unbelievable. Simply unbelievable."
"(Josette) What is? That Barnabas could come back from the grave?"
"(Natalie) No, that he could come back from the grave, but he couldn't just look you up in the phone book when he does."


BurkeDevlin:
(later downstairs, two servants are carrying Barnabas' coffin as a tearful Josette watches)
"(Josette) No. No!"
"(Natalie) My poor darling."
"(Joshua) Take him straight there, fellas. And don't stop for any lights."
"(Natalie) How are they supposed to be able to find this secret grave if nobody knows where it is except you?"
"(Joshua) Dead reckoning."
"(Natalie) D'oh!"


BurkeDevlin:
(the servants leave with Barnabas' coffin)
"(Josette) Why does Barnabas have to be buried in a secret grave at all?"
"(Joshua) Believe me, my dear, the less you know, the better."
"(Josette) You're telling me two servants get to know and I don't!?"
"(Joshua) Oh, don't worry. I'll have them disposed of when they return."
"(Josette) Well, that's something, at least."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Josette) But why does the grave have to be a secret at all?"
"(Joshua) Because we don't want to cause panic over the fact that Barnabas died of the plague."
"(Josette) He coughed on me the other day..."
"(Joshua) I suggest that you both return to the new house. I will see Mrs. Collins home myself."
"(Josette) Oh, all right. We'll leave."
"(Joshua) And no peeking!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Josette) Can't you give me a little hint where they're taking him?"
"(Joshua) We'll discuss this tomorrow. I'll dissemble better after a little rest."
"(Josette) Aieeeee!"
"(Joshua) Screaming won't help you, Madame."
"(Josette) No, I wasn't screaming to try to get my way. That was a scream of terror and alarm. I saw a face in the window."
"(Joshua) Well, I don't see anyone. Whose face was it?"
"(Josette) It looked like Ben Stokes."
"(Joshua) Oh, I know what it must be. They had a cow chip throwing contest on the lawn the other day. One must have stuck to the glass."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Joshua, Natalie and Josette prepare to leave)
"(Joshua) Here Countess, let me help you on with your stole."
"(Director) Cut! That's a wrap."
"(Joshua) Funny, it looks like a stole."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(After they leave, a fat burglar enters the house)
"(Ben) That's Cat Burglar."


BurkeDevlin:
(Joshua returns and catches Ben in the act... of something or other.)
"(Joshua) I knew it was you out there, Stokes!. There was no Cow Chip Throwing Contest yesterday!"
"(Ben) It's a fair cop."
"(Joshua) What have you come back for? To steal my son's valuables??"
"(Ben) No, no, I heard Mr. Barnabas was sick. So I brought him some fruit. Some grapes."
(holds up an empty rind)
"(Ben) And some bananas."
(holds up a half dozen empty peels)"
"(Ben) And..."
(pause)
"(Ben) Actually, I may have got a bit hungry on the way over."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) It is of no matter. My son has no more need of fruit."
"(Ben) He's off his diet?"
"(Joshua) He is dead."
"(Ben) Well, that's what comes of not eatin' enough fruit."
"(Joshua) And he'll never again be able to stop me from knocking some sense into you!"
"(Angelique, entering) Unhand that grunt!"
"(Joshua) What is this?? Did Barnabas put it in his will that this man was to be molly-coddled???"
"(Ben) Thanky, sir."
"(Joshua) Well, when I say "man" I mean it only in the loosest sense of the word, of course."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) I'll thank you to stay out of this."
"(Angelique) And I'll thank you to treat Ben like your son would have wanted you to."
"(Joshua) But he's a convicted convict!!"
(pause)
"(Angelique) That's it. I'm reporting you to the Department of Redundancy Department."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) Why are you so anxious to protect this man?"
"(Angelique) You forget, sir, that we were servants together."
"(Joshua) I'll never forget that."
"(Angelique) Since you dislike him so much, why don't you leave him here in my employ?"
"(Joshua) I will not. For one thing, your lease says 'No Pets'."
"(Angelique) I don't know why you're so upset. He is a convicted convict, as you say. I'll probably be taking my life in my hands just having him around here."
"(Joshua, brightening) In that case, you can keep him!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Joshua leaves)
"(Ben) Thanks, Your Wickedness... I think."
"(Angelique) Come into the Drawing Room. I have need of you."
"(Ben) Wait! First ya gotta tell me, how did Mr. Barnabas die?"
"(Angelique) Horribly."
"(Ben) I hadda ask."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) I loved him, Ben. You're the only person who knows how much."
"(Ben) Yeah, love. Enough to try to kill his whole family if he didn't love ya back?"
"(Angelique) If that's not love, what is?"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Now, I want you to do three things."
"(Ben) Oh, I don't know. I'm in enough trouble as it is, Your Perniciousness."
"(Angelique) This is the last thing I will ever ask you to do, I promise you that."
"(Ben) Seriously?"
"(Angelique) Well... except maybe for taking a bath. I never give up hope on that one."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) All right. What do ye want me to do?"
"(Angelique) First of all, cut down a holly tree, and fashion a small, sharp wooden stake for me."
"(Ben) And second?"
"(Angelique) Follow Mr. Collins and find out where Barnabas' burial site is located."
"(Ben) What are you plotting now?"
"(Angelique) Oooh, Ben! That's the worst joke I've ever heard!"


BurkeDevlin:
(later, Angelique and Joshua are talking)
"(Angelique) I share your grief, sir."
"(Joshua) Yeah, whatever. Let's cut to brass tacks. How much to leave town?"
"(Angelique) Leave town??"
"(Joshua) You don't intend to stay here!"
"(Angelique) I've always imagined living in a house like this. With money from the estate, I'll be able to make improvements. I might add two or three more houses, maybe even a hotel, and charge exorbitant rents to all who pass by here on the way to Go. What's the matter? Don't you approve?"
"(Joshua) Not particularly, no."
"(Angelique) Well, where do you want me to go?"
"(Joshua) You can go to hell!"
"(Angelique) Perhaps later... Er, I mean how dare you??"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) I do not approve of the life you describe. But I think there may be another solution."
"(Angelique) Money, of course."
"(Joshua) Don't say 'Money' like it's a dirty word!"
"(Angelique) Do you think mere money can assuage my grief?"
"(Joshua) I'm not talking about mere Money! I'm talking about a sh**load of money!"
"(Angelique) How much is that?"
"(Joshua) Ten thousand."
"(Angelique) You offered me that much to not marry Barnabas in the first place."
"(Joshua) Very well. Fifteen."
"(Angelique) Up your offer."
"(Joshua) Sixteen?"
"(Angelique) No, I mean really up it. As in up your..."
"(Joshua) All right, all right!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) Seventeen!"
"(Angelique) In gold?"
"(Joshua) And a wheelbarrow to cart it away in!"
"(Angelique) Hmmm."
"(Joshua) Twenty, and that's my final offer!"
"(Angelique) You've got 20,000 in gold?"
"(Joshua) In a bank in Boston."
"(Angelique) That's dollars, right? Not Quatloos again."
"(Joshua) D'oh!"


Blank:
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BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) Very well! Dollars, then!"
"(Angelique) You were going to pay me in Quatloos!"
"(Joshua) I wasn't, I wasn't! Honestly!"
"(Angelique) And all I have to do is leave town?"
"(Joshua) And sign this paper, saying that you'll never return to Collinsport in your lifetime, on pain of being beaten up by our Cannery's Goon Squad."
"(Angelique) Well, I suppose I might be able to... Wait a minute. You mean this lifetime, right?"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) All right. Leave the paper here. I'll think about it."
"(Joshua) I want an answer now."
"(Angelique) What assurance do I have that the money is in the bank?"
"(Joshua) Ha! The embarrassment of me bouncing a cheque would be worse than losing $20,000! I'd never be able to show my face at the Filthy Stinking Rich Club again!"
"(Angelique) I guess that's true. Where is the check?"
"(Joshua) Right here. A blank cheque for 20 Big Ones."
(Angelique examines it)
"(Angelique) Well, I must confess, that much money could keep me in cauldrons for a long time..."
(Examines the check more closely)
"(Angelique) All right, now go ahead and write out "$20,000" in big letters, just in case your banker doesn't know what a 'Big One' is."
"(Joshua) Curses!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) If I do leave, I'll leave impulsively, tonight, without telling anyone I'm going."
"(Joshua) How will I know what you've decided?"
"(Angelique) The signed paper will be here. I won't be."
"(Joshua) How do I know you won't just cash the cheque, without signing?"
"(Angelique) Would you trust Josette in a situation like this?"
"(Joshua) It's hard to say."
"(Angelique) And why is that?"
"(Joshua) I don't know. I've never wanted to get rid of Josette to the tune of 20 Big Ones."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Well, you're going to trust me! You're going to treat me like a lady just once before I go!"
"(Joshua) Never."
"(Angelique) In that case, I'm staying."
"(Joshua) On second thought, trust is what makes the world go round, after all."
"(Angelique) Nice doing business with you, Mr. Collins."
"(Joshua) Nice giving me the business, you mean!!"


BurkeDevlin:
(Joshua leaves)
"(Angelique) Whew, thank goodness he's gone. This place is cramping my witchy style. I've got to get out of here, and go some place where the other people are less Evil than I am!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Angelique puts her John Hancock on the paper)
"(Angelique) There. Joshua Collins should be able to read this without putting on his spectacles... Which is a good thing, because on the way out of town, I'm planning to flush his spectacles down the loo!"


BurkeDevlin:
(Ben enters)
"(Ben) I'm back, Your Foulness."
"(Angelique) Waaahhhh!! Ben! You scared me half to death!!"
"(Ben) Want me to come in again?"
"(Angelique) D'oh!"


Blank:
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BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Is my stake ready, Ben?"
"(Ben) Yeah. How do ya want it? Rare, Medium, or Well Done?"
"(Angelique) Very funny. Let's see it."
(Ben hands it to her)
"(Angelique) Oh, you did a very good job, Ben. How did you make such a good stake in such a short time?"
"(Ben) I just took the second biggest pencil I could find, and I... got the lead out."
"(Angelique) I've been telling you to do that for years."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) Here, take it. What I wanna know is, what's this thing for?"
"(Angelique) Oh, you know. You point the sharp end down and whack on the thick end."
"(Ben) But what are ya gonna whack?"
"(Angelique) That's for me to know. As for you, you'll soon get the point."
(silence)
"(Angelique) My best quips are wasted on you, you know that?"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Now, I've got another job for you. I want you to have a carriage here at 6 o'clock. That's the crack of dusk, isn't it?"
"(Ben) You said this last errand was gonna be the last one ever!"
"(Angelique) I lied. Just arrange for the carriage to be here shortly after nightfall. I'm not going to demand that you learn to tell time just to get it here at exactly 6."
"(Ben) But all the horses are at the vets."
"(Angelique) Then be sure to wear your best bridle."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) First, I gotta know how Mistah Barnabas died, Your Sinfulness."
"(Angelique) He was bitten by a vampire bat, Ben."
"(Ben) Don't ya find those in South America?"
"(Angelique) Barnabas died of blood loss and disease."
"(Ben) You caused that!"
"(Angelique) No, the bat caused it."
"(Ben) You caused the bat, and the bat caused Mr. Barnabas' death, therefore you caused his death."
"(Angelique) Impressive. I didn't know you knew anything Aristotelian logic, Ben."
"(Ben) All I know is you oughta be Arristed!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) You made the bat bite Mr. Barnabas, so you caused his death!"
"(Angelique) After he shot me, Ben! Don't forget that part! He shot me! And it really bloody hurt, too!"
"(Ben) He had good reason to."
"(Angelique) You always were on his side. And how did Barnabas find out I was the witch, anyway? If I weren't so sure you were in my power, I might think that you had told him."
"(Ben) I didn't say a word."
"(Angelique) If you had tried to tell him, the spell I put on you would have made you lose your voice... So, what did you do? Write my name on the top of a barrel or something?"
"(Ben) Gulp!"
"(Angelique) No, what am I thinking. That's totally ridiculous."
"(Ben) Whew!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) I must be getting paranoid. You can't even spell 'Ben', much less 'Angelique'."
"(Ben) That's right!"
"(Angelique) And you always have trouble with words that have a Q in them, what's more."
"(Ben) That too, Your Deadliness."
"(Angelique) Your Deadliness? Hey, I like the sound of that one!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Is it getting dark outside??"
"(Ben) No, no, that's just the rain."
"(Angelique) Oh, good."
"(Ben) What happens when it does get dark?"
"(Angelique) All right, I'll tell you. But don't think you're getting out of helping me. Barnabas will come to life again at nightfall."
"(Ben) Back to life, ye say??"
"(Angelique) Well, more or less. That was my curse, you see. I hated him so much when I thought he'd killed me, that I cursed him this night and every night, to come to life as one of the Living Dead."
"(Ben) The Grateful Dead?"
"(Angelique) Living Dead, Ben."
"(Ben) How can ya be living and also be dead, Your Reprehensibleness?"
"(Angelique) Barnabas will look like a living person. He'll still be able to walk and talk and chew gum at the same time. But he won't be technically alive in the sense of having any biological functions. He won't eat or breathe or carry out cell mitosis."
"(Ben) Will he still have to poop?"
"(Angelique) You would ask a question like that!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) That doesn't sound so bad. At least Mr. Barnabas would be back with us that way."
"(Angelique) He'd be back, but as a monster. He'd do things that I wouldn't wish on anybody, unless I was the one doing them. I must stop Barnabas. And the only way is to drive this stake into his heart. Speaking of which, did you get a hammer?"
"(Ben) All I could find was this golf club."
"(Angelique) Oh Ben. Didn't I just tell you I wanted to drive the stake?"
"(Ben) So?"
"(Angelique) This is a putter, not a driver!"


BurkeDevlin:
(Later, In the Collins Mausoleum)
"(Bob Lloyd) Not seen since Episode 360!"
"(Dan Curtis) Shhh!"

"(Angelique) Now, what's this? Three coffins? Is it like the old shell game, and I have to guess which one Barnabas is in?"
"(Ben) No, no, all the coffins are empty. They're reserved for the future use of Joshua, Naomi and Sarah."
"(Angelique) Really?? Which one is going to be Joshua's?"
"(Ben) That one."
"(Angelique) Hock-PTUI!"
(spits)
"(Ben) What did ya do that for? He ain't even dead yet!"
"(Angelique) It's the thought that counts."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) So, where is Barnabas?"
"(Ben) He's in there. Behind that wall."
"(Angelique) Do most families have secret rooms in their mausoleums?"
"(Ben) They built that room during the Revolutionary War, to hide guns in. It's hard to think of Mr. Joshua Collins as being a Patriot, but I guess he was. Maybe he was a Rebel instead of a Patriot. Same thing, different emphasis. Hee hee. Hee hee! Haw, haw, haw, haw!"
"(Angelique) What's so funny?"
"(Ben) I'll get the point! I just got it!"
"(Angelique) Sigh."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Go ahead and open the room, Ben."
"(Ben) No. No, I can't! If Mr. Barnabas wants to rise, let him rise!"
"(Angelique) Do you want to be the first one Barnabas looks at and decides is delicious?"
(pause)
"(Ben) All right, I'll open the door. As long as you're sure you know what you're doing."
"(Angelique) Have you ever known me not to know what I was doing?"
"(Ben) How about the time Mr. Jeremiah buried you in his own grave?"
"(Angelique) Shaddap!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(they enter)
"(Ben) You've got me so befuddled I don't know what to think."
"(Angelique) Nothing new in that."
"(Ben) I know he's dead, but you said... I just never heard of a man rising from his coffin."
"(Angelique) How long have you lived in Collinsport anyway, Ben??"
"(Ben) Not sure. I ain't got enough fingers to count that high."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Let's see, it's hard to explain this to someone who's never seen old movies. Have you ever heard the word 'Vampire', Ben?"
"(Ben) Umpire?"
"(Angelique) Well, you're close. An umpire is associated with bats, at least."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) There's no time to continue this scintillating discussion. Open the casket."
"(Ben) No. Just leave him be!"
"(Angelique) Quick! It's getting dark! Open it!"
"(Ben) No!"
"(Angelique) Listen, if Barnabas comes to life, we won't be safe! Even I won't be able to control him!"
"(Ben) Good! Then if he comes to life, he'll settle you!"
(Ben runs out and locks Angelique in the secret room)
"(Angelique) I think I just said something really stupid."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Cursing Ben, Angelique opens the lid, puts the stake over Barnabas' heart, and raises her putter)
"(Angelique) Foooooore!"
(fade to black)


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Bob Lloyd) They've only been together a little while, and Ben and Angelique are already a better comedy team than R2-D2 and C-3PO."
"(Dan Curtis) Who isn't?"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Bob Lloyd) What's this about building it during the Revolutionary War? I thought that in the present day, the Caretaker said that Joshua built this mausoleum on the day Barnabas died."
"(Dan Curtis) It's a soap opera. Who's going to remember anything anybody said 200 episodes ago?"


BurkeDevlin:
"My name is Angelique Collins. A seance has been held in the Great House at Collinwood. A seance which has suspended time and space and sent one woman on an uncertain and frightening journey into the past. Back to the year 1796. There, each of the Collins ancestors resembles a present day member of the Collins family. But the names and relationships have changed. And Victoria Winters finds herself a stranger in a sea of familiar faces... But you already know all that."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique, narrating) The Collins mausoleum in Eagle Hill cemetery has been chosen as the final resting place of Barnabas Collins. On this night, two people have made a secret trip to the mausoleum. Well... one person and one... Actually, I'm not quite sure what Ben is, but he came along. The other one is there to drive a stake through Barnabas' heart, for she alone knows that Barnabas will soon be one of the living dead, and that the lives of everyone at Collinwood will be at... at... at risk."
"(Dan Curtis) You were going to say 'at stake', weren't you?"
"(Angelique) No, no, I wasn't. Really."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(In the mausoleum's, Ben has locked Angelique in the secret room)
"(Angelique) Ben, you let me out of here at once!"
(silence)
"(Angelique) Ben, I'm going to count to three!"
"(Ben) Braggart!"
"(Angelique) D'oh!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Ben, I'm going to stake your beloved Mr. Barnabas if you don't stop me."
(silence)
"(Angelique) Oh, looky there! An uneaten hamhock on the floor!"
(silence)
"(Angelique) I thought sure he'd fall for that one."


Blank:
-


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) All right, here goes."
(opens the lid) *
"(Angelique) The irony is that this is the first time Barnabas and I have been out together since we got married."

* In a shocking disregard for continuity, today Angelique has a regular mallet in her hand, instead of the putter.


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Angelique puts the stake to Barnabas' heart, and raises the hammer, but stops in mid swing)
"(Angelique) Ahh... ahhh... ahhhh... CHOO! Oh, that's better."
(raises the hammer again)
(Barnabas wakes and grabs Angelique by the throat)
"(Barnabas) That may end up being the costliest sneeze in human history."
"(Angelique) The least you could do is say Gesundheit!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Bob Lloyd) Have you ever stopped to think how much simpler life would be for the Collins family if they just cremated their dead?"
"(Dan Curtis) Well, if they did, we'd be out of a job."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Barnabas closes his lid as Angelique cowers in the corner)
"(Barnabas) Just what were you doing with that stake and hammer?"
"(Angelique) Would You Believe sculpting?"
"(Barnabas) No, I wouldn't."
"(Angelique) Well, I... I... you know, this would be a good place for a commercial."
"(Barnabas) We just had one."
"(Angelique) Blast!"


BurkeDevlin:
(outside the Secret Room)
"(Ben) I ain't sure what's goin' on in there, but it sounds like somethin' hitting a fan!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Where are we?"
"(Angelique) Barnabas, please let go of me!"
"(Barnabas) I asked you where we are!"
"(Angelique) We're in... the Collins mausoleum!"
"(Barnabas) This isn't the Collins Mausoleum. I've been there. It's got windows and a little ironwrought door!"
"(Angelique) It's a secret room behind one of the walls. Your father built it during the Revolutionary War."
"(Barnabas) What for?"
"(Angelique) I don't know. To hide guns or something. I'm a witch, not a Trivia meister, Jim!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) How about telling me what we're doing in here!?... And wait a minute! That lid I just closed! I never used to sleep in a coffin before!"
"(Angelique) That just dawned on you, did it?"
"(Barnabas) And don't say 'dawn'. I've got a sudden aversion to that word!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) What have you done to me?"
"(Angelique) I think we could discuss that a lot better at the Old House."
"(Barnabas) We're not going anywhere until you tell me where we are, and what's happened to me!"
"(Angelique) We're in the mausoleum."
"(Barnabas) Oh, right. You already said that. How long have we been sealed in here? Is the oxygen running out?"
"(Angelique) This is 1796! We don't know about oxygen!"
"(Barnabas) Yes we do! Joseph Priestley discovered it in 1774!"
"(Angelique) I already told you, I'm a Witch, not a blanking Trivia Meister!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Never mind that. What's happened to me?"
"(Angelique) Please, let's get out of here."
"(Barnabas) All right. How do we get out?"
"(Angelique) Well, there's the secret door. It's activated by... by... Well, I'm not sure, but there must be some way to activate it."
"(Barnabas) How about a human sacrifice?"
"(Angelique) HELP!!!!!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Perhaps you don't need to tell me what's happened. I remember... being in bed. I remember being delirious with fever. I was afraid I would die. That's what's happened to me. Isn't it?? I was in that coffin because I was dead. Wasn't I?"
"(Angelique) No!"
"(Barnabas) No?"
"(Angelique) Um... yes, a little."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) So, I have returned... from the dead. I told Josette I would, but I thought at the time that I was just talking out my... Ahem. But tell me what's happened?"
"(Angelique) I can't!"
"(Barnabas) Tell me what you did to me! And tell me why I have this sudden urge to suck every drop of blood out of your body?"
"(Angelique) Well, it's..."
"(Barnabas) You didn't turn me into an IRS agent, did you?"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) Of course not. Even I'm not that cruel."
"(Barnabas) But you put some kind of curse on me."
"(Angelique) Well, a little one, yes."
"(Barnabas) You said I'd live with it through all eternity."
"(Angelique) I exaggerated."
"(Barnabas) Then the bat came into my room and went right for my throat!"
"(Angelique) AFTER you shot me! Why does everyone forget that??"
"(Barnabas) You put a curse on me!"
"(Angelique) You know I tried to stop you from dying."
"(Barnabas) You also tried to stop me from rising again. Why?"
"(Angelique) Um... I didn't think you'd like living this way."
"(Barnabas) Well, I like it a lot more than a stake through the heart!!"
"(Angelique) Well sure, I know that NOW!!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) What are you afraid of?"
"(Angelique) Um... the dark! That's it! It's dark in here! Let's get out!"
"(Barnabas) You're afraid of me. Or rather, of what I have become. What have I become, anyway?"
"(Angelique) I'm not afraid of you! Not a bit!"
(hunts around)
"(Angelique) This is a tomb, isn't it? There wouldn't be a cross lying around anywhere, is there?"
"(Barnabas) You've lost your powers over me! You haven't even bothered to use a simple Frotz spell to light the room."
"(Angelique) I have lost none of my powers!... (Even a crucifix. Do you see anything like that lying around here?)"
"(Barnabas) Then why don't you use your powers on me now?"
"(Angelique) I have no reason to!"
"(Barnabas) You will in just a moment."
"(Angelique) Barnabas, you big kidder you!"
(hunting desperately)
"(Angelique) Even two metal rods. Maybe I could hold them perpendicular to each other..."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Angelique) I have all my powers and as much power over you as ever."
"(Barnabas) Then go ahead and use them."
(she kicks him in the shin)
"(Barnabas) Ow!!! That's not a power!"
"(Angelique) Bite me, Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) That's the oddest thing. I've got the urge to do exactly that!"
"(Angelique) HELP!!!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) I never knew you to be afraid of anything or anyone. But yes, you are afraid of me now. You no longer have your powers over me!"
"(Angelique) I want my mommy... Now I wish I hadn't done away with her."
"(Barnabas) For the last time, tell me what to do about this curse of yours!"
"(Angelique) Barnabas, it's a curse! It doesn't come with an instruction manual!"
"(Barnabas) Tell me what the curse is!"
"(Angelique) All right... now, don't get excited... but the curse is that you've become one of the Living Dead."
"(Barnabas) What is it, some kind of oxymoron curse? How can you be living and dead at the same time?"
"(Angelique) Well, you're like a living person. You can still walk and talk, and even chew gum at the same time, assuming that you could before. But you're not technically alive in the biological sense. You don't eat, breathe, carry out cell mitosis, or have any other biological functions."
(pause)
"(Barnabas) Do I still have to poop?"
"(Angelique) You know, that's exactly what Ben Stokes asked!"
"(Barnabas) Can I still... you know..."
(blush)
"(Barnabas) ...Make whoopee?"
"(Angelique) Well, you are a stiff, so I'd assume so."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Well, what about the rest of the curse? You said that anyone who loved me would die."
"(Angelique) Um, I may have said something like that, yes. But I tried to help you too! Remember that anti-curse potion I gave you when you were in bed?"
"(Barnabas) The one that didn't work?"
"(Angelique) That one."
"(Barnabas) So the curse is with me still, and will remain with me."
"(Angelique) Well... it's pretty easy to put a curse on someone, but not so easy to take it off again... Watch any Bewitched episode if you don't believe me."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) In any case, the bit about all my lovers dying is still there?"
"(Angelique) Well... sort of."
"(Barnabas) Now I know why you tried to prevent me from coming back to life."
"(Angelique) You do?"
"(Barnabas) Of course. You knew you would be the first victim of your own curse!"
"(Angelique) No! That is totally untrue!"
"(Barnabas) Of course it is, Angelique. Or were you always lying to me when you told me how much you loved me?"
"(Angelique) No, Barnabas! I do love you!"
"(Barnabas) Then, according to the curse, you must die! Isn't that right?"
(pause)
"(Angelique) I brought a stake and hammer here with me, it never occurred to me to bring a lawyer too!"


BurkeDevlin:
(Barnabas moves in for the kill)
"(Angelique) No, Barnabas! Please!"
"(Barnabas) Yes, my dear Angelique!"
"(Angelique) Are you going to kill me?"
"(Barnabas) I'm afraid so. You can't fight City Hall. Or curses either."
"(Angelique) No! No! Ahhhhhh!!!!"
(Barnabas strangles her, she slumps to the floor, dead)
"(Barnabas) Whew! That really gave me an appetite! You're not going to be using that blood in your body, are you Angelique?"
(Angelique's dead body flips Barnabas the bird)
"(Barnabas, surprised) Wow, rigor sure sets in quickly around here!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Sepulchral Voice) You have killed an 18th Level Witch. You gain 168 Experience Points and find a Magic Potion."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) So, how do you get out of this place, anyway? Guess I should have asked about that a little more before killing her... Oh, that's right! The secret button in the loose brick. I remember hearing something about that."
(slides a brick, pushes a button, and dance music plays)
"(Barnabas) Must be the other brick."


BurkeDevlin:
(In the Outer Room)
"(Barnabas) Ben!"
"(Ben) Mr. Barnabas! Uh... fancy meetin' you here... Uh... How was the afterlife?"
"(Barnabas) Short! There I was, being attended to by 72 virgins, when blammo, I suddenly found myself back in this mausoleum."
"(Ben) 72 virgins? I didn't know you wuz a Muslim, Mr. Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) I'm not. I think it must have been some kind of scheduling Snafu."
"(Ben) Scheduling snafu?"
"(Barnabas) My luggage ended up in Valhalla."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Now, what are you doing here?"
"(Ben) I didn't want to come here, Mr. Barnabas, honest! She made me do it. Speakin' of that, where is she?"
"(Barnabas) Let's just say that the winner of the Sealed Mausoleum Match, and still champion, is Barnabas Collins."
"(Ben) Come again?"
"(Barnabas) I'm meeting The Undertaker in a casket match at the next WWE Pay-Per-View."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) You killed her!? I never thought anyone would be able to kill her!"
"(Barnabas) Yes, well apparently she can be strangled just like anyone else, Ben. Pity we didn't think of trying that before. I almost did it when she spent $3,000 at Macy's, and I didn't even know she was a witch then!"
"(Ben) Care to join me in a few choruses of Ding Dong, the Witch is Dead, Mr. Barnabas, sir?"
"(Barnabas) Well, maybe. But you see, your presence here creates a problem for me."
"(Ben) What do you mean?"
"(Barnabas) Well, there has been a dramatic change in my life, Ben. I am no longer really... human."
"(Ben) Well, that's okay. A lotta people say the same thing about me."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) First of all, I need to know what you're doing here, and what Angelique told you."
"(Ben) Well... she said you wasn't really dead... And that you'd rise from your coffin after the sun went down. She made me get a stake and a mallet."
"(Barnabas) Did she tell you what they were for?"
"(Ben) To drive a stake into your heart cause you were an umpire."
"(Barnabas) That's vampire!"
"(Ben) What's it like bein' a creature, Mr. Barnabas?"
"(Barnabas) Hmph. All these years I've wanted to ask you that. I never thought I'd be the one doing the telling."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) Well? What's it like?"
"(Barnabas) Well, it doesn't really feel all that different. But so many little things seem different to me now."
"(Ben) Such as?"
"(Barnabas) Well, like sleeping in coffins, for example. It's fun, I tell you! It's like Snoopy sleeping on top of the doghouse, you know. It looks weird, but once you try it, it actually works better. Would you like to see?"
"(Ben) Oh, thanky Mr. Barnabas, but I doubt they got one in my size."
"(Barnabas) There's an old piano case at the Old House, if you'd like to try it."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) In fact, you may have no choice about trying it."
"(Ben) Are you talkin' about killin' me, Mr. Barnabas?"
"(Barnabas) I'm afraid so. You see, the rest of the world thinks I am dead."
"(Ben) So?"
"(Barnabas) Which means they must go on thinking that. Which means there must be no one alive to tell them otherwise. I'm afraid... that you know too much, Ben."
"(Ben, in tears) That's the nicest thing anybody ever said to me, Mr. Barnabas, sir!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) Mr. Barnabas, I... I won't tell anyone yer secret! I swear I won't!"
"(Barnabas) How can I believe that? You told someone who the witch was!"
"(Ben) That was YOU I told!"
"(Barnabas) That's beside the point! It was a secret and you told it! What did she do?? Put a Pedanticness Curse on you??"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) I wouldn't do anything to hurt you, Mr. Barnabas. You know that. I've always been loyal to you, haven't I?"
"(Barnabas) You were loyal to the Barnabas Collins who was human, yes. But what about now? Now that you know what I have become?"
"(Ben) Look, if yer sayin' you're a Bad Guy now, then you're gonna need a dumb sidekick to make ya look good and take the blame when things go wrong. I'm the only one in town who's got that on his resume!"
"(Barnabas) Well, I never thought of you as skilled labor before..."
"(Ben) And with Angelique dead, I'm in between jobs now. I could work for you. Like Count Dracula had his Igor."
"(Barnabas) Igor? You're more like Egad!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) Mr. Barnabas, you've always treated me better than anyone. If you let me, I'll keep your secret and help you."
"(Barnabas) How can you help?"
"(Ben) Well, I can bury Angelique for you. No need for you to get your hands dirty."
"(Barnabas) Well, it is true that manual labor is no fun. I may be a vampire, but I'm still an Upper Class vampire. All right, you've talked me into it."
"(Ben) So you'll let me live?"
"(Barnabas) On a trial basis, yes."
"(Ben) That's really good of you, sir."
"(Barnabas) Yes, and besides, if I had bitten you, the garlic in your blood would probably have laid me out cold."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Shh! What's that?"
"(Ben) Sounds like footsteps?"
"(Barnabas) Are you sure Angelique never told anyone she was coming here??"
"(Ben) There's nobody she could have told. Maybe it's Mr. Jeremiah still lookin' ta kill her."
"(Barnabas) Hey, I hope it is! He's the only other living dead guy in town right now. He might be a good person to look up when it comes time to rebuilding my social life."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Outside, Joshua approaches)
"(Joshua) What is that sound coming from the mausoleum tonight?? It's not often I have to come out here to tell people to hold it down!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Stay here, Ben."
"(Ben) What are you going to do?"
"(Barnabas) I'm going to find a way to hide the body. If anyone comes into the mausoleum, play dumb and stall for time."
"(Ben) How??"
"(Barnabas) I have confidence that you'll find a way."
"(Ben) Gee, it's a shame you can't get rid of her body just by getting it wet, like Dorothy did."
"(Barnabas) That only works in the movies, Ben... This is TV."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(Outside, the flashes of lightning look just like fluorescent lighting)*
* Bear with us on this.


BurkeDevlin:
(Barnabas closes himself in the secret room as Joshua enters)
"(Joshua) Stokes! What are you doing here??"
"(Ben) Just payin' me last respects to Mr. Barnabas, sir."
"(Joshua) Harumph. When I die, will you pay your last respects to me?"
"(Ben) It'd be hard. I'd have to pay me first respects first."
"(Joshua) What was that??"
"(Ben) I said yes, sir."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) How did you know the body would be here?? Speak up, man!"
"(Ben) I didn't. I just figgered that a secret grave would be in a secret location. This secret room was the only secret gravesite I knew of."
"(Joshua) You'll be flogged for this!"
"(Ben) I didn't mean any harm, I swear!"
"(Joshua) You've already done harm by coming here. Nobody was to know where my son's body was kept. What if you were followed?"
"(Ben) But you came here too."
(pause)
"(Joshua) You're not making it any easier on yourself, you know!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) I won't tell anyone, Mr. Joshua, I promise."
"(Joshua) You mean besides the person you've already told."
"(Ben) I don't know what ya mean, sir."
"(Joshua) The person you were talking to as I approached."
"(Ben) Oh, that was me. I always talk to meself. I'm the only person who doesn't go over me head."
"(Joshua) It sounded like you were talking to someone else."
"(Ben) I was talkin' to God. I was sayin' a prayer for Mr. Barnabas."
"(Joshua) A likely story. Let me hear you say a prayer!"
"(Ben) For what we are about to receive, may the Good Lord make us truly thankful..."
"(Joshua) That's GRACE!"
"(Ben) Yeah, that's me favorite prayer."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) If there had been anyone else in here, you'd have seen 'em leave."
"(Joshua) Unless they're hiding in one of the empty coffins out here. Hmmm, if anybody is in mine, I'll kill them!"
"(Ben) If you do, can he stay?"
"(Joshua) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) Or maybe your friend is hiding in the secret room."
"(Ben) Would I turn on the gas if my friend Rocky was in there?"
"(Joshua) You might, rabbit, you might... D'oh! Don't start that Bugs Bunny routine on me again! Stand aside!"
(As Joshua opens the door, a bat fweeps out)
"(Joshua) How did an old bat get in Barnabas' grave??"
"(Ben) What, is Miss Abigail hidin' in there??"
"(Joshua) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) I wonder what other surprises await us in here."
"(Ben) Are you going to search the room?"
"(Joshua) No. There's no point. The room is empty, except for the coffin... And someone left the candles burning in there! No wonder my wax bill is so high!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) So, ya musta imagined ya heard somebody, right?"
"(Joshua) Not quite! There's still the three coffins out here!"
(Joshua lifts the lid on his own future coffin)
"(Joshua) Hmm, nobody in there."
(Joshua lifts the lid on Naomi's future coffin)
"(Joshua) Nothing in there."
(Joshua lifts the lid on Sarah's future coffin)
"(Joshua) That one's clean too. Perhaps I was wrong."
"(Ben) Funny, I kinda expected to find a pea under one of 'em sir."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) Mr. Joshua, can I stay in here a little while?"
"(Joshua) Stay? What in heaven's name for??"
"(Ben) I told you, I come here to pay my last respects to Mr. Barnabas."
"(Joshua) You've already done that! How much respect did you have, anyway?"
"(Ben) Mr. Barnabas was very good to me, sir. I want to stay here and offer up another prayer for him."
"(Joshua) Another one??? What are you, some kind of religious fanatic??"
"(Ben) That's me, sir. Just like the Reverend Trask, I am."
"(Joshua) Hmph, in your case, it'd be more like the Reverend Trash."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) Oh, all right, stay if you like. But report to me first thing in the morning."
"(Ben) To you, sir?"
"(Joshua) Yes. Angelique Collins has left town."
"(Ben) You're tellin' me!"
"(Joshua) What's that?"
"(Ben) I mean, I hadn't heard that, sir."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Joshua) Anyway, report to me, and I'll assign you new duties."
"(Ben) Yessir."
"(Joshua) And don't try running away again!"
"(Ben) What, ain't my word good enough for ye?"
(Joshua tries to keep a straight face)
"(Joshua) Excuse me, if I don't leave immediately, my reputation as a sour puss will be destroyed forever."


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(After Joshua leaves, Ben returns to the Secret Room where there is no trace of either Barnabas or Angelique)
"(Ben) Lessee, where could they be?"
(Five minutes later, Ben decides to look inside the only feature in the room)


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(As Ben opens the coffin, he finds Angelique's body hidden inside)
"(Ben) So long, Your Deadness."


BurkeDevlin:
(Later, Ben returns to the mausoleum)
"(Ben) Whatever it is what's goin' on here, beats even me!" *
* No comment.


BurkeDevlin:
(Barnabas suddenly materializes in front of Ben)
"(Ben) Mr. Barnabas!"
(Ben punches the area where Barnabas is standing)
"(Barnabas) Ow!!!"
"(Ben) That was just empty space a second ago!"
"(Barnabas) Well, it's not now!!!!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) Where are you going? And where have you been, Ben?"
"(Ben) I was just going back to the mausoleum, Mr. Barnabas. I dug a grave for Angelique."
"(Barnabas) Thank goodness you did. You know that feeling you sometimes get, like someone is walking on your grave?"
"(Ben) Yeah."
"(Barnabas) Well, having Angelique IN it is even worse!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) How'd you just appear like that?"
"(Barnabas) In my new life, I have been discovering that I have some strange and rather remarkable powers."
"(Ben) What kind of powers?"
"(Barnabas) Well, like teleporting."
(dematerializes again, and re-materializes on the other side of Ben)
"(Barnabas) Beam me up, Scotty! Rather fascinating, isn't it?"
"(Ben) You'll be the life of the party, Mr. Barnabas. If you ever go to another party. That's really amazing!"
"(Barnabas) You think that's amazing? When I put Angelique in my coffin, I found a blank cheque for $20,000 in her pocket. I wonder why someone with her money was ever working as a maid in the first place?"


BurkeDevlin:
(Barnabas and Ben return to the mausoleum)
"(Ben) I dunno about you, Mr. Barnabas, but I'm startin' ta get sick of this place. "(Barnabas) Be it ever so humble, Ben, there's no place like tomb."


Blank:
-


` BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) I'm glad you discovered the body. I didn't have time to tell you about it."
"(Ben) Aye. For a spell there, I thought your father was doing the finding. Were you the bat that flew out when he opened the door?"
"(Barnabas) That was me. Another of my new-found abilities."
"(Ben) How did ya turn yourself into that?"
"(Barnabas) It's really hard to describe. All I can say is that you have to... Think Bat."
(Ben closes his eyes)
"(Ben) Think Bat! Think Bat! Think Bat!"
"(Barnabas) It only works if you're a vampire!!!!!"


Blank:
-


` BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) So you turned into the bat so Mr. Joshua wouldn't see you, put Angelique in your coffin, so he wouldn't see her, and..."
"(Barnabas) Yes, yes, it just spoils the trick if you have to explain it."
"(Ben) Mr. Barnabas? Have you been hurt?"
"(Barnabas) No, why?"
"(Ben) You've got blood on your mouth."
"(Barnabas) Well, that's something else I learned about my new existence. I can no longer survive without blood."
"(Ben) Hey, who can?"
"(Barnabas) Without other people's blood!"
"(Ben) Oh, right. I knew that!"


Blank:
-


` BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) So, what do you do with other people's blood? Sell it?"
"(Barnabas) I drink it!"
"(Ben) What do you do a thing like that for?"
"(Barnabas) Because I have to now. Don't you understand? To me, blood is now... like hamhocks are to you."
"(Ben) Gosh! Whose blood have ya got on ya?"
"(Barnabas) Well, we weren't formally introduced. And the way I was brought up, it's rude to ask someone their name without a formal introduction."
"(Ben) And it ain't rude to steal the blood right outta their body?"
"(Barnabas) Apparently not. The Upper Crust Etiquette Training I took as a boy never mentioned that question one way or the other."
"(Ben) But I bet it did say somethin' about bein' such a messy eater. Ain't ya never heard of a napkin?"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Barnabas) You will begin to hear talk tomorrow about an attack that took place in the village tonight. They will probably think by the marks on the woman's throat that it was done by some wild animal, but it wasn't. I am the guilty one."
"(Ben) Yeah, but you couldn't help it. Could ya?"
"(Barnabas) Of course not! When I awoke tonight, and saw Angelique, with the stake poised over my heart, I should have let her go through with it. I should have let her kill me. Ohhhh, I wish I was dead."
(pause)
"(Ben) You are dead, ain't ya?"
"(Barnabas) No, I mean even deader."


BurkeDevlin:
"(Ben) Mr. Barnabas, you mustn't talk like that!"
"(Barnabas) Ben, I would rather be dead than have to go through eternity as what I am. As what I have become!"
(pause)
"(Ben) Want me to get the stake and the hammer again?"
"(Barnabas) Never mind!!... I mean I may feel guilty, but I'm not a fanatic about it!"
(fade to black)


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
(credits roll)
"(Dan Curtis) And so, the Legend of the Chocolate Coffin was born. We hope this clears up any nagging questions left over from the David and Sarah storyline."
"(Bob Lloyd) And I suppose when he stuffed Angelique inside, it became a His and Hersheys model."
"(Dan Curtis) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


BurkeDevlin:
"(J.J.) Dy-no-mite!"


BurkeDevlin:
"(Bob Lloyd) So, if Barnabas can teleport, how come he had to bend steel bars to get into Dr. Woodard's office when he kidnapped Maggie back when he first showed up?"
"(Dan Curtis) Because when he first showed up, we didn't have the budget to do the dissolve effect."


          Episode 410:   To prevent Barnabas from rising as a vampire, Angelique goes to the secret room in the mausoleum to stake him in his coffin.
          Episode 411:   Barnabas rises as a vampire and strangles Angelique.