Barnabas Has a Hot Date!

Barnabas and Julia Return to Normal Time!
"You know, I think I've figured out why you have such a hard time holding a girlfriend, Barnabas. Did we really have to come visit all your ancestors our first night back?"

Barnabas and Julia Travel to the Far Future!
"It still looks like 1970."
"Work with us on this, will you?"

Today on Dark Shadows...

Collinwood Goes to Seed!
"You're right, we really ought to pick up in here once in a while at that."

Mrs. Johnson Becomes Either a Leviathan or a Jedi, We're Not Sure Which!

Mrs. Johnson is Sworn in as President of the United States!
"I cleaned up Collinwood, and I'll clean up Washington."

Episode 1061

Starring Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, Clarice Blackburn
Original Script By Joe Caldwell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom
Click on photos to see it full size in a separate window

BurkeDevlin: (Graeme Cree)
"My name is Mrs. Sarah Johnson. Collinwood as it exists in the oddball world of Parallel Time where a storyline has just ended, due to a lack of expendable characters needed to keep it going."

Last time on Dark Shadows, the mansion itself was set ablaze by Timothy Eliot Stokes, crazed father of Angelique Collins. Barnabas Collins, Julia Hoffman, and Roxanne Drew were able to escape through the dimensional warp back into their own world of Normal Time a mere moments before the mansion was destroyed. But a new and even greater danger awaits them now, because you know those three two can't stay out of trouble for five minutes..."

(In the Parallel Time Room, in the closing moments of Episode 1060...)
"(Roxanne's Voice) Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) Roxanne! I can't reach you!"
"(Julia) Don't try to bring her in here, Barnabas! We all need to get out! Speaking of that, how can we get out of here?"
"(Barnabas) There are only two ways! Teleport out, or turn into a bat and fly out the window."
"(Julia) How do you get out if you're NOT a vampire??"
"(Barnabas) In that case, it may be difficult."


(At that moment, the room changes, sending Barnabas and Julia back to Normal Time)
"(Julia) Barnabas, look! The fire, the furniture, it's all gone!"
"(Barnabas) And so is Roxanne! She didn't come through with us! Oh, cruel fate! I've lost my One True Love again!"
"(Julia) Well, you know what they say, Barnabas. You can't win them all."
(fade to black)


"(Julia) I'm the one who should be upset. We left before I was able to find that secret cash stash that Bruno said Hoffman had hidden away."

"(Barnabas) Oh, Julia! I've got to go back! I've got to find her! I've got to find out what's happened to her!"
"(Julia) Barnabas, you can't go back! For one thing, the Parallel Time Room changes whenever it feels like it, and for another thing, by the time it changes again, there won't be any Angelique's Room in Parallel Time for you to go to because the house has been destroyed there!"
"(Barnabas) You're saying I can't ever go back??"
"(Julia) I'm saying it but I'm not causing it, Barnabas. Don't fang the messenger."


"(Julia) You know I'd be glad to help if I could, Barnabas, but what can either of us do?"
"(Barnabas) Don't you understand? I MUST see Roxanne again! She's the only woman who ever made me forget my dear lost Josette. "(Julia) Uh huh. You mean, apart from Maggie. And Vicki. And Rachel, and Kitty, and probably even Buffie Harrington, knowing how you operate."
"(Barnabas) You know what I mean! She's the only one that made me forget Josette that I didn't try to turn INTO Josette."

"(Barnabas) The moment I saw her lying on that operating table, so still, so helpless. * I felt a love I hadn't felt since I first met Josette."
"(Julia) The only way you could have been with her would have been to turn her into a vampire too!"
"(Barnabas) I actually dared hope that I might be cured again."
"(Julia) Cured? How?"
"(Barnabas) You have your anti-vampire elixir, you know. It's worked before."
"(Julia) Yes, but it failed the last time we tried it."
"(Barnabas) I know, but I thought maybe you'd come up with a new and improved version of the formula. You know, with Retsyn in it or something."
"(Julia) Retsyn!?? Barnabas, you've been watching too many TV commercials!"
* Read Dark Shadows Captions 15 if you want to know what the heck we're talking about.

"(Barnabas) Well, foolish or not, that was my hope. That I could be cured, be happy, and live the life I've wanted to live for so long. A life of tenderness and love. Why do these things always happen to me?"
"(Julia) Well, there are a number of reasons. Bad planning, bad judgment, the fact that we didn't warn her to keep away from the room where a crazed killer was holding Maggie hostage..."
"(Barnabas) I said WHY do these things ALWAYS ****ing happen to me?????"
"(Julia) Gulp... You're a very unlucky person."


"(Barnabas) Every time I think I've finally found love, the Fickle Finger of Fate... gives me the finger. Why? Why is fate so determined to offer me a chance for happiness, and then snatch it away before my very eyes?"
"(Julia) It gets ratings. Besides, you forget how rare a life of Love can be. You're not the only one who's had so little hope. Who's had to live with a prize constantly in reach but never getting any closer."
"(Barnabas) You!? Who are you in love with?"
"(Julia) Oh... It's not important. And don't grieve over Roxanne, Barnabas. I'm sure you'll soon fall head over fangs in love with another feather-brained young thing any day now."
"(Barnabas) You're just saying that to make me feel good."
"(Julia) Besides, it wouldn't have worked out with Roxanne, anyway. I'd already given her a post-hypnotic suggestion to make her start hating you tomorrow, anyway."

"(Barnabas) For as long as I exist, I will despise this room for what it has done to me."
"(Julia) Yes, well speaking of what this room can do to us, why don't we get out of here before it changes again and deposits us back in Parallel Time 50 feet above ground level."
"(Barnabas) That wouldn't prove a problem. Simply turn into a bat."
"(Julia) Barnabas, I'm NOT a vampire, remember??"
"(Barnabas) Oh, that's right. You know, that's really inconvenient at times, do you know that?"
"(Julia) Not when I want to see a matinee at the Bijou, it isn't."


"(Barnabas) I suppose we should leave... Sniff, sniff. Does something seem odd to you?"
"(Julia) Like what?"
"(Barnabas) Something different about the house. It smells of decay."
"(Julia) No, that's me. I haven't had a chance to wash this outfit since I came to Parallel Time. I was afraid of arousing Angelique's suspicions."
"(Barnabas) Well, if you don't wash it soon, you'd better be afraid of raising the dead!"


"(Barnabas) Well, you're right. We should get out of here quickly."
"(Julia) Before the room changes?"
"(Barnabas) Well, that too. But also because we've been standing around for 10 minutes with no plot, no story, no nothing. We've got to find something before people start switching over to Let's Make a Deal."
(As Barnabas and Julia step out of the Parallel Time Room, they find the entire East Wing in ruins)
"(Barnabas) Ah, what a stroke of luck... Er, I mean GASP!"


(Downstairs, the first floor is also in ruins)
"(Bob Lloyd) I'll bet there's no Interior Decorating credit at the end of this show."
"(Dan Curtis) Shh!"


(Barnabas and Julia appear on the upstairs landing, and survey the wreckage)
"(Barnabas) Julia, look!"
"(Julia) Gasp!"
"(Barnabas) What's happened to this place?"
"(Julia) I don't know... Did everyone go out for the evening, and leave David and Amy without a sitter, or something?"

"(Barnabas) Elizabeth? Roger?"
(his voice echoes)
"(Barnabas) There doesn't seem to be anyone in the house but us."
(Sifting through the rubble, Julia picks up an object)
"(Julia) Look at this! My old Harmonica!"
"(Barnabas) Oh no, not that thing..."
"(Julia) Whatever happened, at least my harmonica survived intact."
(Barnabas takes it from her, drops it, and crushes it with his foot)
"(Julia) ...Not even my harmonica survived intact!"


(All that the Drawing Room is drawing is flies)
"(Julia) All right, I give up. Should we shout Olly Olly Oxen Free?"
"(Barnabas) Why should we do that?"
"(Julia) That's right, you still don't know all of our 20th century customs, Barnabas. There's a game called Hide and Seek, you see, where one child is designated as being "It". All the other children hide, and the one who is "It" tries to find them. When he gives up, he shouts "Olly Olly Oxen Free!", and all the little children scurry out of their hiding places and out into the open."
"(Barnabas) Well, forget it. We're not doing anything so absurd."
"(Julia) You don't believe that they're hiding?"
"(Barnabas) No, I'm just not ready to give up yet!"

"(Julia) They aren't just hiding. The house is totally wrecked."
"(Barnabas) Julia, is it possible?..."
"(Julia) What?"
"(Barnabas) Well, could there have been an atomic war while we were gone? Perhaps our friends and the house were done in by radiation."
"(Julia) Barnabas, no! They'd never write a story like that!"
"(Barnabas) Why not?"
"(Julia) Because this is a Gothic Horror program! There's nothing Gothic about Nuclear War, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) I know, but we are being shown on The Scientifiction Channel now."
"(Julia) Scientifiction?????"
"(Barnabas) Well, that's what they called it when I was young."
"(Julia) Barnabas, you're the only person I know who can make Sci-Fi sound Old-Fashioned."

"(Julia) Could it have been a hurricane? We are right on the coast."
"(Barnabas) This is known as "The House on the Hill", Julia. The rest of the town might flood but we wouldn't."
"(Julia) Perhaps the rest of the town came here for shelter when Collinsport flooded, and wrecked the joint."
"(Barnabas) Well, that's entirely possible. I've been asking Elizabeth to install a moat around the house for years."
"(Julia) That wouldn't keep the townsfolk out."
"(Barnabas) With piranha fish."
"(Julia) Ah!"

"(Julia) Barnabas, look at this! This piece of paper!"
"(Barnabas) What about it?"
"(Julia) It's a note I wrote the night I went into Parallel Time. But look how old it seems! It crumbles to bits at my touch."
"(Barnabas) Perhaps some type of radiation sped up the natural process of deterioration..."
"(Julia) Will you shut UP about the radiation??"

"(Barnabas) I think you're right, Julia. There was no war or hurricane here. The house simply looks abandoned."
"(Julia) But even if they'd left all the doors and windows open, it couldn't have gotten this way so quickly. Do you suppose we're in the future?"
"(Barnabas) Well, of course we are. I went into Parallel Time four months ago, after all."
"(Julia) No, no. I mean... even more in the future than that."
"(Barnabas) Five months?"

"(Julia) Look at this, Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) What is it?"
"(Julia) A note! In Elizabeth's handwriting."
"(Barnabas) What does it say??"
"(Julia) It looks unfinished. It just says "We must leave Collinwood before the day is out."
"(Barnabas) Does it say anything about going to the shelters??"
"(Julia) Will you knock it OFF about the Nuclear War?? This isn't The Twilight Zone, you know!"

"(Barnabas) Well, at any rate, this proves that they left, and weren't simply spirited away... Julia! Look at this!"
"(Julia) What is it?"
"(Barnabas) Elizabeth's diary!"
"(Julia) What does it say?"
"(Barnabas) I don't dare look."
"(Julia) Why? Is it crumbling too?"
"(Barnabas) No, but there's a curse on anyone who reads it without her permission."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Julia) Barnabas, you're already under a curse! I think you can chance it."
"(Barnabas) Very well, let me see... Hmm... There are a TON of entries here about her being afraid she was going to be buried alive."
"(Julia) That's from 1968, Barnabas! What does she have to say for 1970?"
"(Barnabas) All the pages after July 6 are burned."
"(Julia) By an amazing coincidence, that's the exact day I went into Parallel Time. So it doesn't tell us anything that happened after I left. What day is today?"
"(Barnabas) August 10th."
"(Julia) So we're still left with what could do this to the house in 35 days."
"(Barnabas) Julia! Is it possible we've been... cancelled?"


"(Julia) What are you saying!?"
"(Barnabas) That could be it! The show has been cancelled, and they're striking the set!"
"(Julia) Don't be ridiculous, Barnabas. If the show had been cancelled, we wouldn't be standing here talking about it."
"(Barnabas) Oh yes, that's right."
(At a banging sound from the Foyer, Barnabas rushes out front and looks out the open front door)
"(Barnabas) Julia, come quick!"
"(Julia) What??"
"(Barnabas) I was right! Look out there! A Mushroom cloud!"
"(Julia) What!? Where??"
"(Barnabas) April Fool."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Julia) What is actually out there?"
"(Barnabas) A huge stack of newspapers, milk bottles, and trees have grown up up to the front door."
"(Julia) Well, that couldn't have happened in a month."
"(Barnabas) Julia. Do you think there was some disturbance in the time warp, or whatever you call it?"
"(Julia) How do you mean?"
"(Barnabas) Well, so far, whenever the room has changed, it sent anyone in it back and forth between Parallel and Normal Time. And every time it's happened, the same amount of time seemed to have elapsed in both universes. You know, if you spent a day in Normal Time, and the room changed, it would be a day later in Parallel Time too."
"(Julia) Right."
"(Barnabas) Well, perhaps something upset the room so that this time it not only sent us back to Normal Time, but into the future as well. You know, I think I read somewhere that fire has that effect."
"(Julia) You did not! Now you're just being silly!"
"(Barnabas) Or was it 1.21 gigawatts of power? I forget."


"(Julia) Barnabas, this is absurd! The fire sent us into the future?"
"(Barnabas) Well, I don't know what it was. It could have been anything."
"(Julia) Something silly!"
"(Barnabas) Well, look at the evidence of your own eyes! Those trees couldn't have grown in a month, so we must be in the future."
"(Julia) No, wait a minute, I like your idea better. Maybe there was a nuclear war, after all, and it made the trees grow faster. Doesn't radiation always do that in movies? Make things grow faster or bigger or something?"
"(Barnabas) I'm pretty sure that only works with ants, lizards, and monkeys."


"(Julia) Barnabas, I'm… I'm frightened. I feel like a child who's lost and I'll never find my way home."
"(Barnabas) Now, don't panic. We can always get back through the Parallel Time Room again, can't we?"
"(Julia) Can we? That would only take us to Parallel Time in 1995. And remember, there's no Collinwood in Parallel Time now, so it would send us into mid-air."
"(Barnabas) Well then, we need to repair whatever happened, to make it send us to Normal Time, but in 1970. There's got to be some way to do the Time Warp again."
"(Julia) Well, as I recall, it's just a jump to the left."
"(Barnabas) What?"
"(Julia) Nothing."


"(Julia) The important thing is to find out what's going on here. Then we can decide how to handle it. We should check out the Loomis House and the cemetery."
"(Barnabas) Please! The OLD House, let's have no more of that "Loomis House" talk."
"(Julia) All right."
"(Barnabas) And I'm afraid top priority right now is to find a coffin for me."
"(Julia) Now, stop talking like that, Barnabas. Even if there is radiation, it's probably not fatal to vampires."
"(Barnabas) No, but the daylight is, remember??"
"(Julia) Oh!... That's right, I was just... funnin' you, of course."


"(Bob Lloyd) As Barnabas and Julia go off to the Old House together, Julia accidentally leaves her lit candelabra behind, burning down the Collinwood of Normal Time too. The End."
"(Dan Curtis) Gee, everybody's giddy today."

(Later, at Eagle Hill cemetery)
"(Julia) Gee, I wonder what happened to your coffin at the Old House?"
"(Barnabas) Well, never mind, I'm sure we can find an unused one here."
"(Julia) Barnabas? I just had a thought. Suppose we are in the future, and I meet my future self here?"
"(Barnabas) Well, what are you worried about? That you might be wearing the same outfit or something?"


"(Barnabas) Look for a grave that might be empty. Half the graves in this town are unoccupied, you know."
"(Julia) Barnabas, look at this one!"
"(Barnabas) Forget that one, it's freshly dug."
"(Julia) Yes, but look what it says! Henry Beecham, 1967-1995!"
"(Barnabas) Henry Beecham! Say, I believe I know that child! Just before I went to Parallel Time, his parents brought him over, and he peed on my best jacket."
"(Julia) Well, he won't do that again."


"(Julia) I'd say this proves that there was some disturbance in the time warp, and we have travelled into the future."
"(Barnabas) Not necessarily, Julia."
"(Julia) What do you mean "Not necessarily"? See for yourself. The stone says 1995 and the grave is freshly dug."
"(Barnabas) Well, perhaps Mr. Beecham was Jewish, and he died 3,736 years ago."
"(Julia) Nice try, Barnabas. You still owe me twenty."


"(Barnabas) Julia, look at this!"
"(Julia) What is it?"
"(Barnabas) This grave here! It's not new, it's old! And read it!"
"(Julia) David... Gasp! David Collins, died 1970??"
"(Barnabas) Was he alive when you left Normal Time?"
"(Julia) Of course he was alive when I left! I wonder what could have happened to him?"
"(Barnabas) Well, knowing David, he was probably blown up with his own cherry bomb."

"(Julia) David... actually died?"
"(Barnabas) There are fresh flowers on the grave. See?"
"(Julia) I know, but that that's still kind of hard core for this show. A child we all know and love... A child we all know and tolerate actually died?"
"(Barnabas) Don't act so shocked. The Beecham child died too."
"(Julia) Yes, but he was a grownup when he did. That doesn't count. But who is still here to have left the flowers?"
"(Barnabas) I'm sure we'll soon find out..."
"(Voice) Put those down! Leave them alone!"
"(Julia) Who's that? Someone we know?"
"(Barnabas) I don't know, it just says "Voice"!"

(The Voice belongs to a withered old crone)
"(Crone) What are you doing here? Disturbing the peace of this poor child!"
"(Barnabas) Who are you?"
"(Julia) Barnabas, it's Mrs. Johnson!"
"(Barnabas) The Collinwood maid??" *
"(Julia) Yes!"
"(Barnabas) Oh my goodness, is that how I'd look if I'd aged normally?? For the first time ever, I'm glad to be a vampire!"
* Yes, thank you, Mr. Exposition.


"(Mrs. Johnson) Wasn't his life a torment enough without your coming from the grave itself to disturb his rest??"
"(Barnabas) If you mean David, he got in a few licks of his own, as I recall!"
"(Barnabas) She certainly hasn't changed much in 25 years. Mrs. Johnson, don't you recognize us?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) I've always tried not to believe in ghosts, but now..."
"(Julia) You're Mrs. Johnson and you didn't already believe in ghosts??"
"(Barnabas) Mrs. Johnson, we're not ghosts, we're alive."
"(Mrs. Johnson) How can you be alive!? You disappeared 25 years ago! And you look exactly the same as you did then!... You're even wearing the same clothes!... By the way, Julia, that jacket is back in fashion again."
"(Julia) Oh, really? I knew if I waited long enough..."


"(Barnabas) It's too difficult to explain, Mrs. Johnson. You see, it has to do with Time and Relativity, and..."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Oh no! It's too easy to explain! You died and you've come back to disturb his rest!"
"(Julia) No, Mrs. Johnson, we haven't."
"(Mrs. Johnson) I won't let you! I was with him at the end! And if ever a child deserved peace, it was David! Go away and trouble him no more!"
"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson, we've always been friends. You've never spoken to me this way before."
"(Barnabas) And besides, we're the ones who should be cross with you. We've just been to Collinwood, and if you're still the maid there, you've got a LOT to answer for, Lady!"


"(Mrs. Johnson) Poor David. I couldn't save you at the end, but maybe I can help you now."
"(Barnabas) Save him from what? We'd really like to know what's been going on since we've been away. What caused this disaster?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) Um, I don't know what you're talking about."
"(Julia) You know, the house in ruins, everybody gone and David dead. Who killed him?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) Nobody killed him, he just died, that's all."
"(Julia) People don't "just die" on this show. Not of natural causes."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Well, David did. He died of... of Spattergroit."
"(Barnabas) Mrs. Johnson, that's a fictional disease!"
"(Julia) Yes, it's from Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix."
"(Mrs. Johnson) That's why they couldn't find an antidote."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Barnabas) Did the disaster at Collinwood cause David's death?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) What disaster?"
"(Barnabas) The one that destroyed Collinwood and turned your hair white!"
"(Mrs. Johnson) There was no disaster, and my hair turned white over something completely different!... When the Dodgers moved to Los Angeles!"
"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson, that was in 1957!"
"(Mrs. Johnson) That's right. Only my hairdresser knew for sure!"


"(Barnabas) Mrs. Johnson, I'm starting to lose patience..."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Oh, please! Don't hurt me, kind sir!"
"(Barnabas) I'm Mr. Barnabas!"
"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson, we won't harm you. But you've got to tell us what you know."
"(Mrs. Johnson) I can't talk about it! I don't dare!"
"(Barnabas) Well, if it was so horrible, why are you still here after all this time?"
"(Julia) Maybe she's still waiting for her last paycheck."

"(Julia) All right, forget what happened. But at least tell us where our friends are. They're all gone."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Gone? Yes, all gone."
"(Julia) But where are they all?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) You mustn't ask and I mustn't tell."
"(Julia) Why not?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) Because it was too horrible. I have to come here at night just coming here to put flowers on his grave. Nobody is supposed to have anything to do with anyone named Collins. You're not even supposed to mention the name any more!"
"(Julia) You're exaggerating!"
"(Mrs. Johnson) I am not! They even changed the name of the town from Collinsport to just plain Sport."


"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson! You haven't answered the question. Now, tell us what happened? Is there anyone in the family still alive?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) (laughing maniacally) The Collins family alive!? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!!"
"(Julia) (to herself) Oh God, the camera's coming in for a reaction shot again, and I'm out of lines!"

"(Mrs. Johnson) What was the question again?"
"(Barnabas) Is the family alive, and where are they?"
"(Julia) Barnabas, if this is the Mrs. Johnson we know, I think a little... ahem... (consideration) is in order here."
"(Barnabas) Oh. Yes, of course."
(Barnabas slips Mrs. J a dime)
"(Mrs. Johnson) A Dime???"
"(Barnabas) That was a pretty good bribe in 1970, wasn't it?"

"(Barnabas) There's more where that came from, just tell us."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Oh, uh yes. Um, well, they're all alive, yes! Every one. Except David. Um, Mrs. Stoddard is living in Rome, she's become a nun."
"(Julia) A nun!?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) A Flying Nun. She's on Wednesdays at 7. Maggie became some kind of Soldier of Fortune. She's involved now smuggling English muffins into Ireland. Roger is the town drunk in Bangor. And Mr. Quentin is in South America. Last I heard, he was El Presidente of some Banana Republic."
"(Barnabas) Yes, yes, go on."
(Mrs. J sticks her palm out again)
"(Barnabas) Sorry, I'm tapped. How about you, Julia?"
"(Julia) Don't look at me, I spent the last of my change at that laundromat."
"(Barnabas) Sniff, sniff! Money well blown, I'd say!"


"(Barnabas) Mrs. Johnson, are you telling us the truth?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) The gospel truth, every word. Cross my heart and hope to... Well, cross my heart, anyway."
"(Barnabas) It's hard to believe that those who suffered through this catastrophe could be as happy as you make out."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Well… I may have exaggerated a tad... Poor David. I miss him so. He was such a well behaved child!"
"(Barnabas) Are we talking about the same child who sabotaged his father's brakes * and tried to kill him with a tripwire ** on the stairs? David Collins?"
"(Julia) I told you that years later, all that stuff would just seem cute."
* Episode 15.
* Episode 646.


"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson, it's really important that we find this out."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Please don't torment me! I… I've tried to forget. Twenty five years I've tried to find some way to forget the pain!"
"(Barnabas) Have you tried getting drunk off your keister? That always worked for Quentin."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Just leave me be. I don't know if you're real or a dream but I can't bear thinking about this poor sweet child's last days."
"(Barnabas) Yeah, yeah. Are you sure he's really in that grave? This seems exactly like the kind of prank he'd pull."

"(Mrs. Johnson) Leave me be!"
"(Julia) Leave me be? Does everyone talk spooky in 1995?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) I've suffered enough."
"(Barnabas) Mrs. Johnson, this is important! If we can find out what's happened, perhaps we can help!"
"(Mrs. Johnson) Help!?? How can you help?? What are you going to do? Go back in time and prevent the whole thing from happening, I suppose?"
"(Barnabas) Well... No, of course I don't claim that we could do that, but... well... you see... Julia, why aren't you helping me here??"
"(Julia) Sorry, I was too busy enjoying being the best looking woman in a scene for once."


"(Barnabas) Very well, Mrs. Johnson, you can go. We'll learn what we must without your help. I suppose..."
(Mrs. Johnson starts to walk off, then stops and hisses a cryptic message)
"(Mrs. Johnson) Fredericks! Findlay's Cove!"
"(Barnabas) The Old Shack?"
"(Julia) Maybe that's what they call The Old House now."
"(Mrs. Johnson) No, no! Fredericks! Findlay's Cove!"
(Mrs. Johnson rushes off)
"(Julia) I know Findlay's Cove, but who's Fredericks?"
"(Barnabas) Maybe she meant that fashion designer?""
"(Julia) Fashion designer?"
"(Barnabas) You know, Fredericks of Collinwood."

"(Julia) It looks like we've learned all we can here. The thing to do now is to go to Findlay's Cove. Fortunately, in a town this small, when people talk of "The Old Shack" or "The Abandoned Marina", or "The Deserted Potting Shed" there's only one place they could possibly mean."
"(Barnabas) Julia? Do you think that everything Mrs. Johnson told us was the way the future will be, or simply the way it might be?"
"(Julia) Barnabas, she's our maid, not The Ghost of Christmas Past!"

(At The Only Old Shack at Findlay's Cove, a plate of baked beans is on the table right next to a lit candle) *
* There are some comments you could make about an arrangement like that, but we're not touching them.


(Barnabas and Julia burst in)
"(Barnabas) Well, this is the place."
"(Julia) Barnabas, are you sure we should be doing this? Whoever lives here might object to our just walking in."
"(Barnabas) Why should they? We wiped our feet."
"(Julia) Sigh."

"(Julia) This place always used to be empty, from what I remember."
"(Barnabas) How many times before have you had occasion to visit empty Old Shacks, or do I want to know?"
"(Julia) Well, wasn't it empty?"
"(Barnabas) In Parallel Time, this was the house Roxanne lived in."
"(Julia) That's a cutesy little piece of continuity I could have done without."
"(Barnabas) I'm sorry, I couldn't help thinking about her. Wondering if she's all right."
"(Julia) Well, if Roxanne is alive in 1995, she's well beyond being the kind of cute but brainless young thing that you find attractive."
"(Barnabas) That's a piece of reality I could have done without!"


"(Julia) Barnabas, look around! These things are all from Collinwood. It's a virtual ABC Prop Room in here! Look, there's the red chair that used to be by the secret passage in the Drawing Room. And there are those horrible electric lights shaped like candles. And there's the statue of The Guy With the Hoe that used to be in the Foyer."
"(Barnabas) The 'Ho?"
"(Julia) Not the 'Ho, the HOE!" *
* Not The Craw! The CRAW!

"(Julia) Barnabas, look! Here's the portrait of you!"
"(Barnabas) The original one, that was stolen when we went to make House of Dark Shadows, or the replacement one that shows me in that purple vest?"
"(Julia) The replacement. Whoever lives here definitely knows Collinwood."
"(Barnabas) But how do they know it?"
"(Julia) You mean is it really the Prop Man who lives here?"
"(Barnabas) No, I mean what if the person who lives here is the one who destroyed Collinwood, and these are the Spoils of Conquest!"
"(Julia) Well, if he plundered Collinwood for this crap, the joke is on him. (looks at the portrait) No offense."

"(Julia) Whoever lives here, we should know in a moment, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) Why? Are you psychic now?"
"(Julia) No, I see the door knob turning!"
"(Barnabas) Oh. There's always a trick to it, isn't there?"


"(Barnabas) Julia, look! It's Vicki Winters, Sam Evans, and Joe Haskell!"
"(Julia) Yeah, right. Like they're going to bring all those people back for this story."

"(Julia) Barnabas, look! Roxanne is walking in!"
"(Barnabas) What? Where??"
"(Julia) Back at you."
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"

"(Barnabas) Julia, do you remember that old routine where someone insulted Mrs. Johnson's cooking, and wherever she was, she'd somehow overhear, and take umbrage? Do you suppose that would still work in 1995?"
"(Julia) Well, it's a worth a try. Ahem. Mrs. Johnson's cooking sucks!"
"(Mrs. Johnson's Voice) Eh?? I didn't hear that, Sonny!"
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Bob Lloyd) If you've enjoyed this episode and would like to know more about 1995, check out Joe's books, The Pig Did It, The Pig Comes to Dinner, and The Pig Goes to Hog Heaven."
"(Dan Curtis) What do they have to do with 1995?"
"(Bob Lloyd) What? They don't have pig sties in 1995??"

"(Bob Lloyd) Dan Curtis Productions: Pardon our dust. We are currently remodeling in order to serve you better."

          Episode 1061:   Barnabas is devastated at losing Roxanne. He and Julia are stunned to discover they've travelled to the year 1995.