Barnabas and Julia Meet the Collins Family of 1995!

Barnabas and Julia Meet Carolyn in 1995!
"You look the same!"
"It's too difficult to explain."
"You obfuscate the same too!"

Barnabas and Julia Catch Up On Old Times!
"So. Did Jeb Hawkes ever manage to come back from the dead?"
"Oh, please. Jeb Hawkes is So Two-Storylines-Ago."

Today on Dark Shadows...

In the Future, Barnabas and Julia Discover the Existence of Fern Bars!

Julia Does Some Checking Up on What's Happened Since 1970!"
"Well, they never found Megan Todd's body, but a construction crew stumbled across Nelle Gunston around 1988. They even did an America's Most Wanted episode about her. Julianka on the other hand..."
"Julia. I need to know what destroyed Collinwood. I don't need a rundown on every body I ever disposed of!"

Special Guest Star: The Church Lady!
"Well, isn't that special!"

Episode 1062

Starring Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, Nancy Barrett, Ronald Dawson, Thayer David, Cliff Cudney
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Julia Hoffman. Barnabas and I have escaped from the strange and disturbing world of Parallel Time and returned to a Collinwood that was deserted and in ruins. I'd hoped for a moment that we'd returned to a post-apocalyptic Maine and that Barnabas and I would have to repopulate the world together, but no such luck."

"(Julia) We discovered that we had returned to Normal Time, but 25 years in the future. We also learned that some catastrophic event destroyed the Collins family in 1970, soon after we went into Parallel Time. Those people just couldn't get along without us for a minute..."


"(Julia) We encountered Mrs. Johnson, who told us that someone named Fredericks, living on the beach at Findlay's Cove could help us to..."
"(Barnabas) All right, Julia, we're there! You can stop narrating now."

(Julia pulls Barnabas' own portrait out of the stack)
"(Julia) Barnabas, look at this! Whoever lives here knew Collinwood!"
"(Barnabas) But how did they know it? As a friend, or as a plunderer?"
"(Julia) A friend, I'd say. If they were an enemy, they'd have taken the good stuff."
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"

"(Julia) Whoever lives here, we should know in a minute. The door is opening."
(very long pause)
"(Barnabas) Well?"
"(Voice From Outside) I can't come in until after the commercial!"



(As the door opens, Carolyn walks in)
"(Barnabas) Carolyn!"
"(Julia) Carolyn!"
"(Barnabas) Isn't she dead?"
"(Julia) I guess not any more."

"(Julia) That was Parallel Time where she died."
"(Barnabas) Are you sure? I thought she died in House of Dark Shadows too."
"(Julia) Yes, but that's another band of Parallel Time."
"(Barnabas) Where did it say that?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) If you people are going to argue about this, I'll just call the Police."

"(Julia) Carolyn, relax. We're friends. Don't you recognize us?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) I recognize you all right. Are you ghosts? Spirits?"
"(Julia) Of course we're not, Carolyn. We're live. Touch me."
(Carolyn recoils)
"(Crazi Carolyn) I don't think I'd want to touch that hand whether you were alive or not!"
"(Julia) Well, I assure you we aren't ghosts."
"(Crazi Carolyn) You haven't aged a day since I saw you last..."
"(Barnabas) Well, Julia did so much aging before 1970 that she decided to give it a rest for a while."
"(Julia) Barnabas, please!"


"(Crazi Carolyn) If you're still alive, why haven't you aged?"
"(Barnabas) Would you believe Vitamin E?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) And what are you doing in my house?"
"(Barnabas) We can explain..."
"(Crazi Carolyn) If my bed, my chair and my porridge have been disturbed, you two have a lot to answer for!"

"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson told us to come here."
"(Barnabas) We didn't know it was your house."
"(Julia) She said that the person who lived here could tell us what happened to Collinwood."
"(Crazi Carolyn) What do you mean "What Happened to Collinwood"? Nothing happened to Collinwood."
"(Julia) Then why is it empty and in ruins?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!!!"
"(Julia) Carolyn, what's so funny?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) That I know and you don't! Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!"
"(Barnabas) Well, at least she's no different than the last time we saw her."

"(Julia) If nothing happened, why are you living here?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) This is my home! I can live where I want."
"(Julia) But why would someone like you want to?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Someone like me?"
"(Barnabas) Someone with your tastes, I mean."
"(Julia) After all, this place is smaller than your closet back at Collinwood."
"(Crazi Carolyn) D'oh!"

"(Barnabas) And where are the others? Where is Elizabeth? And Roger? And Quentin?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) They… they are away. They're on holiday with David, but they will come back soon."
"(Barnabas) Carolyn, we have seen David's grave."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Hee, hee, hee, hee, he!"
"(Barnabas) Why are you laughing?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Look, here's The Garner Report * from October 15, 1970. It clearly says that David went on a round the world cruise."
"(Barnabas) How could he be on a cruise for twenty-five years??"
"(Crazi Carolyn) You've heard of a slow boat to China? His was really slow."
* A Pravda-like family newspaper published by the family lawyers in Bangor, which sanitizes the goings on at Collinwood for public consumption.

"(Julia) Will you please stop that giggling?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) What giggling?"
"(Julia) Especially about the death of a child. It's horrible."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Can I giggle about the fact that Barnabas' fly is open?"
"(Julia) Whatever you want, just not about David."
"(Barnabas) Hey!"

"(Crazi Carolyn) 1970 was so long ago."
"(Barnabas) Don't give us that! You remember what happened!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) It was... Let me see now. Five years after 1965... And 10 years before 1980."
"(Julia) Mathematically she's perfect."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Or, to put it another way, two years after The Beatles' White Album, and 10 years before Galactica 1980."
"(Julia) What's Galactica 1980?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Don't ask! If you think what happened to Collinwood was a disaster, you ain't seen nothin' yet!"

"(Barnabas) Carolyn, why are you so determined to keep your secret?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Because I love secrets! Don't you? You've had some doozies in your time, as I recall. Well, I have learned to love secrets. Oh, yes."
"(Julia) Carolyn, we just want to be able to understand what's happened here! We want to see your mother and your Uncle Roger. Can't you tell us where they are?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) It's too difficult to explain."
"(Barnabas) That's OUR line!"

"(Crazi Carolyn) Mother and Uncle Roger. That would be grand, wouldn't it? We could have a picnic on the beach below Widow's Hill, and watch falling bodies."
"(Julia) Carolyn..."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Mother would pretend not to notice the bodies, and Uncle Roger would complain that it was too sandy."
"(Barnabas) Can you at least tell us why you're calling yourself Fredericks?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Fredericks of Collinwood. It's a little play on words, there..."
"(Julia) Why not call yourself Collins?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Oh, that's not a good name. THEY don't like it."
"(Barnabas) The ghosts?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Also my creditors. I didn't exactly leave Collinwood with a bundle, you know."

"(Crazi Carolyn) Besides, why would I call myself Collins? My maiden name was Stoddard."
"(Barnabas) But why Fredericks? Did you marry again?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) I married Jeb Hawkes. Didn't you know about that?"
"(Barnabas) Of course we knew."
"(Crazi Carolyn) You weren't there!"
"(Barnabas) We WERE There! We were there when the Black Shadow killed him. I remember him promising to come back from the dead to you! How would I know that if I wasn't there?... Speaking of that, did he ever manage it?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Bite me, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) I'll just take that as a No."

"(Crazi Carolyn) If you remember that tragedy, you don't need to hear about any others!"
"(Julia) Yes, we do. If we can make it back to 1970, we might be able to do something about it."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Why? What year is this?"
"(Barnabas) 1995."
"(Crazi Carolyn) How do you know?"
"(Julia) We saw it on a headstone in the cemetery."
"(Crazi Carolyn) You know, most people use a calendar."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Barnabas) Carolyn, you've got to tell us..."
"(Crazi Carolyn) I don't have to tell you anything!! This is my house and you're intruding! I didn't ask you here! Get out! Get out!!"
"(Julia) Very well, but we'll be back!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Don't! Don't ever come back!"
"(Barnabas) Very well, we're leaving."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Don't... By the way, that jacket is back in style now, Julia."
"(Julia) I told you it would come back some day, Barnabas."


(Later, at the Collins Mausoleum)
"(Julia) Well, that was a trip wasted. I'd say Carolyn is about two French Fries short of a Happy Meal. She took great delight in giggling at all our questions and keeping secrets from us just for the fun of being obstinate."
"(Barnabas) I can't imagine what must have happened in 1970 to change her so much. Do you remember, Julia? What she was like before?"
"(Julia) Pretty much the same, but without the giggling."
"(Barnabas) Wait a minute, you're right!"


(Barnabas opens up the Secret Room in the Mausoleum)
"(Barnabas) Well, thank goodness this room is still here. And judging by the look of it, it hasn't been disturbed since we left here in 1970."
"(Julia) Well, why should anyone come here? It's only a Two-star mausoleum."

"(Julia) Barnabas, I don't know if you should stay in this room tonight."
Why not?"
Everything is so different. For all we know, this room could be a well known spot where hippies come to make out every night."
I'm sure there aren't still hippies in 1995, Julia. Or if there are, they're all in government."


"(Julia) Barnabas, I have a bad feeling about this."
"(Barnabas) Well, it doesn't matter if you're right or wrong. It's almost dawn. I have nowhere else to go. It's either sleep here or die when the sun rises."
"(Julia) When you put it that way, sleep here."
"(Barnabas) And you should get some sleep too after all you've been through lately."
"(Julia) Perhaps you're right."
"(Barnabas) There should be plenty of empty coffins around. Pick any one you like, and have a nap."
"(Julia) Well, if it's all the same to you, I'd prefer a bed, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) (shaking his head) Weird."

"(Julia) I'll stay here and guard you all day."
"(Barnabas) No, we can't afford that luxury. We've got to find out what's been going on around here."
"(Julia) Well, can't we find that out tonight?"
"(Barnabas) No, the Courthouse won't be open at night. I need you to go into town, go to City Hall, and go through their archives to find out what you can about what destroyed Collinwood."
"(Julia) Go into town? What am I supposed to use for money?"
"(Barnabas) Oh yes, that is a point. I'll tell you what. Here's a list of all of the Collinses who were buried with their jewelry. Dig one up and to to the local pawn shop."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Julia) If I go into town, you'll be unguarded."
"(Barnabas) I'm sorry, but it can't be helped."
"(Julia) I suppose you're right."
(the cock crows)
"(Julia) Looks like it's about that time. Sleep tight."
"(Barnabas) In this thing, you have no choice."


(Barnabas tucks himself away for a short summer's nap)
"(Julia) Sigh. Will tomorrow tell us any more than today? Why do I have the feeling that it will not, and we're just spinning our wheels here?"
"(Julia) Oh well, look at the bright side. In a way, Barnabas and I are finally living together."


(Later that morning, after all the stores are open)
"(Julia) Oh well, time to re-join the Rat Race."
(Julia kicks aside a rat running through the mausoleum)


(As Julia leaves the mausoleum, she runs into Carolyn)
"(Julia) Yaaah!! Don't DO that!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) What are you doing here in the cemetery??"
"(Julia) I'm just... picking out a plot. That's it."
"(Crazi Carolyn) A plot, eh? Well, whatever you do, don't pick a Time Travel story. I really hate those."
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Julia) I meant pick out out a cemetery plot."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Oh, you found out what's waiting for you at Collinwood then, did you?"
"(Julia) No, not really. I was hoping you'd tell me."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Sorry, I'm too upset to talk."
"(Julia) About what happened?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) No, it's just that now I know what it's like to be a withered old hag. Now I'm sorry I wasn't more sensitive to you back in the old days."
"(Julia) Thanks. I think."

"(Julia) I just wanted to come out and see who's buried in the mausoleum. Is that so bad?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Joshua, Naomi and Sarah. Don't tell me you'd forgotten that."
"(Julia) I wanted to make sure they were still there. With the Collins family, you can never tell."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Shh! Not so loud! You shouldn't say that name!"
"(Julia) Why not? It's a proud and honorable one... Well, a proud one, anyway."

"(Julia) Why don't you tell me what you're doing here?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) um..."
"(Julia) Carolyn. You and I used to be honest with each other.... Well, that is, you used to be honest with me. I always used to tell you that Barnabas as a Normal Man, and that we weren't building a monster in the basement, and stuff like that. I guess what I'm saying is, can't we go back to those days again?"

"(Crazi Carolyn) I'm too busy looking for my mother's grave. No, wait. My mother isn't dead. Is she?"
"(Julia) You tell me. I've been out of the loop, you know."
"(Crazi Carolyn) No, of course she's not. If she were, she'd be buried here."
"(Julia) Why would she be here? Wouldn't she be in that Super Duper Deluxe Air Conditioned EZ-Escape Mausoleum that she had built for herself back when she was afraid of being buried alive?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Oh, that old thing. Uncle Roger had it turned into a rumpus room years ago."

"(Crazi Carolyn) I like this cemetery. It's very peaceful, isn't it? Not like Collinwood. I never go there any more."
"(Julia) Not even for old times sake?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Why should I? I have everything I want where I am. My mother's inkwell. And a portrait or two. Where is your friend? Where is… Barnabas??"
"(Julia) (crazily) Hee, hee, hee, that's for me to know and you to find out!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Now, cut that out!"

"(Crazi Carolyn) Don't steal my kitsch. You know I hate that. Hee, hee, hee."
"(Julia) Well, Barnabas is in the village, trying to find out what you wouldn't tell us. And I should be joining him there."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Are you sure?"
"(Julia) Oh, yes. so you might as well tell us what we want to know, since we'll find out anyway." *
"(Crazi Carolyn) Don't think you can talk around me just because you have a really stylish looking jacket, Julia! You were never honest with me, Julia, so now you're suddenly getting some of your own medicine."
"(Julia) I was always truthful with you. I'll prove it. Ask me anything."
"(Crazi Carolyn) All right. All right, why did you accidentally bury Barnabas alive back in 1968?"
"(Julia) I'm not going to tell you! If that's not an honest answer, what is?"
* Julia's Favorite Bluff.


(As Julia leaves, Stokes comes out of the bushes)
"(Crazi Carolyn) You see? I told you. What do we do now, Professor?"
"(Professor Stokes) Barnabas and Julia need to get the heck out of Dodge before they stir up You-Know-Who. Also, I can't stand Julia looking better than I do."
"(Crazi Carolyn) If we don't get rid of them, You-Know-Who may do You-Know-What again!"
"(Professor Stokes) You said it... Well, almost."

(Later, at the Collinsport Courthouse)
"(Records Clerk) Oh yes, you've certainly come to the right place, ma'am. If you want records about this town, I'm your man. Nothing's too good for someone with your exquisite taste in jackets."
"(Julia) You know, I could get used to living in 1995."

"(Records Clerk) What would you like? We've got records going all the way back to 1698, when this town was founded."
"(Julia) Seriously? That old?"
"(Records Clerk) Certainly. Here. Look at this."
"(Julia) (reading) I.O.U., 5 beads wampum, signed Isaac."

(Ed sips his water)
"(Julia) Well, actually I was looking for something a lot more recent."
"(Records Clerk) Whatever you like. Just name the date, and I've bet I've got it."
"(Julia) 1970."
"(Records Clerk) 1970!!??"
"(Julia) Well, thank goodness this jacket is Wash & Wear."

"(Julia) Something wrong with 1970?"
"(Records Clerk) Erm, um, well, what about 1970?"
"(Julia) I'm writing an article on the Collins family."
"(Records Clerk) Collins family? Kaff, kaff, choke. Hmmm, no, that doesn't ring any bells. I'm sorry."
"(Julia) Oh, come on now, you must have heard of them! The town is NAMED after them, fercryinoutloud!"

"(Julia) Isaac? Remember him? Isaac Collins? He founded a place called Collinsport? Bought the land from the Indians for $24 worth of brandy? They'd named it The Unhappy Hunting Grounds? You must remember."
"(Records Clerk) Oh, yes. Of course, I've heard of them. Certainly. But they were a little before my time. As far as I know, they left town back in 1970."
"(Julia) Before your time? How old are you?"
"(Records Clerk) Thirty-nine."
"(Julia) (sarcastically) Well, I thought I recognized you! How do you do, Mr. Benny!"

"(Records Clerk) So, you see, I was only 14 years old when they left. As a boy, I was more interested in going to the theater to see the newsreels, or following the Iceman's wagon looking for stray chips, to worry about that Big House on the Hill."
"(Julia) Uh huh. Actually, kids in 1970 were quite a bit beyond activities like those."
"(Records Clerk) Well, I was an old fashioned kid."
"(Julia) Never mind your memories. What about the records?"
"(Records Clerk) Oh, well I've got some Lawrence Welk right here."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Julia) I mean Hancock County Public Records!"
"(Records Clerk) Er, well I'm afraid that all those particular records were destroyed. We had a fire a few months ago, you see."
"(Julia) What, ALL of the records from 1970 are gone?"
"(Records Clerk) Only the Collins Family records from 1970. Don't know how it started."
"(Julia) That has got to be the most convenient fire in history. All right, well what about that computer thingy on your desk? Don't you have copies of the records there?"
"(Records Clerk) Oh, that. Well, ever since we went to Windows 95, we can't find a thing. If you can wait a few weeks, we might be able to rush an MS-DOS machine back in here."
"(Julia) ?????"

"(Julia) I won't pretend to know what you're talking about. But all right, if you won't help me, I'll just take to the streets until I find somebody who's older than 39 and remembers what happened."
"(Records Clerk) Please. Don't go stirring up trouble. Nobody will be able to help you. Sure, everybody knows the spooky old Collins place up on the hill, but nobody talks about it. And nobody goes there. Nor now, nor after what happened to Victor and Jean up there."
"(Julia) Victor?"
"(Records Clerk) Flagler. But he won't talk and shouldn't be asked to. Even those meddling kids and their Great Dane who came up here last year wouldn't go near the place."
"(Julia) You mean..."
"(Records Clerk) That's right, they changed his name to Scooby Don't."

(As Julia starts to leave Ed's office, an eavesdropping Professor Stokes tries to hide, but doesn't manage to get out of sight in time)
"(Professor Stokes) Durn this lumbago!"

"(Julia) Eliot! Eliot! You can't imagine how glad I am to see you. "
"(Professor Stokes) Sorry, I haven't got a dime."
"(Julia) Eliot, it's ME! Julia!"
"(Professor Stokes) I don't know how you managed this appearance."
"(Julia) Of course you do. You're the one who told us about Parallel Time. Don't you remember?"
"(Professor Stokes) That was a long time ago! And that was a Parallel Universe! What does that have to do with going forward in time?"
"(Julia) Well, apparently if you turn it sideways, it becomes Perpendicular Time."

"(Julia) Aren't you glad to see me?"
"(Professor Stokes) For your sake, and for Barnabas Collins, leave from the village now!"
"(Julia) Oh Eliot, we just finished dealing with your Parallel Time self. Don't tell me we're going to have trouble with you too."
"(Professor Stokes) Go away, or we will be forced to act!"
"(Julia) Well, I wish you would. Barnabas and I are getting tired of carrying the whole story by ourselves."

"(Professor Stokes) Bah! Humbug!"
(As Stokes storms off, Ed sneaks a peak out of the door at the departing Julia)
"(Records Clerk) I just can't get enough of that jacket!"


(That evening at the mausoleum, Julia reports back to Barnabas)
"(Barnabas) Why don't I go talk to Stokes myself? We can reason with him, at least."
"(Julia) You didn't see him. He hasn't aged well. He was like a cross between Statler and Waldorf, Oscar the Grouch, and Ebenezer Scrooge."
"(Barnabas) Well, perhaps he has reason to be."
"(Julia) Reason?"
"(Barnabas) Goodness knows, I was as disappointed as Stokes must be that they don't have personal helicopters, picturephones and robot maids in this time. We were supposed to have those by 1980!"


"(Barnabas) Eliot is a rational man. He'll tell us something if we handle him correctly."
"(Julia) He's not the same man. He lived through what happened in 1970 too."
"(Barnabas) I'll handle him correctly if I have to fang him in the neck to do it, Julia! Now, any other news?"
"(Julia) Yes, well I went down to Pederson's Shoe Store to pick up those black Oxfords you left to be repaired. You remember, right before you entered Parallel Time in 1970."
"(Barnabas) What happened?"
"(Julia) They said they'll be ready next week."

"(Barnabas) I see. But basically you didn't learn anything useful?"
"(Julia) Well, I did some checking at the library. Apparently Dell and Microsoft stock went through the roof in the late 80's and early 90's."
"(Barnabas) I meant something that would be useful to us."
"(Julia) I don't know about you, but that information is going to be very useful to me some day."

"(Barnabas) Well, there's nothing for it. We've got to try harder."
"(Julia) That's easy for you to say. You weren't with me at the Records Office. You didn't see that Clerk swallow his gum when I mentioned the Collins name."
"(Barnabas) You couldn't learn anything from anyone else?"
"(Julia) Everyone seemed afraid. Maybe we should pack it in."
"(Barnabas) Give up, is that what you're saying? Go back to Angelique's Room? Hope it will take us back to 1970 without dropping us in mid air in Parallel Time? Then stand by and watch the disaster happen while we twiddle our thumbs?"
"(Julia) I'm afraid of this place, Barnabas! When I left this morning, I had the distinct feeling that Carolyn knew you were in the mausoleum."
"(Barnabas) Well, she didn't."
"(Julia) I have to trust my instincts, Barnabas. Everyone's so hostile, and hostility moves to hate so easily. And these small town hicks all stick together!"
"(Julia) No offense!"
"(Barnabas) Too late!"


(Barnabas and Julia exit the Secret Room and leave the Mausoleum)
"(Julia) (wistfully) Barnabas? Where do you want to be in five years?"
"(Barnabas) 1975!"


(As they leave, Stokes and Records Clerk are watching them from the bushes)
"(Professor Stokes) So. They're probably off to see Flagler now. Well, perhaps his story can scare them away from here."
"(Records Clerk) We've got to stop meeting like this."


(Later at Flaglerwood)
"(Flagler) You're who?"
"(Julia) Julia Hoffman. And this is my assistant."
"(Barnabas) Hmm..."
"(Flagler) You two aren't here to sell me encyclopedias, are you?"
"(Barnabas) Goodness no. We simply want to ask you some questions about the Unspeakable Horror that you experienced at Collinwood."
"(Julia) Barnabas, please! A little tact!"

"(Flagler) I don't want to talk about that house to nobody!"
"(Julia) Anybody."
"(Flagler) Right. So, why don't you just turn around and take that Ultra-Fashionable jacket of yours out of here!"
"(Barnabas) Very well, we'll just have to go there ourselves to find out what we want to know."
"(Flagler) Don't! Don't go anywhere near the place, Mr.... What did you say your name was?"
"(Barnabas) Barnabas Collins."
"(Flagler) Barnabas Collins!!?? Slowwwwwwwly I turn! Step by step! Inch by inch..."
"(Barnabas) Is it too late to change that to Billingsford J. Stoopnagel?"


"(Flagler) I'm sorry, I don't know what came over me."
"(Julia) You were about to tell us what happened to you and Jean at Collinwood."
"(Flagler) Okay. Why not? Why not tell you? Jean and I, we were a couple of crazi kids. We went to Collinwood on a dare once."
"(Julia) A dare?"
"(Flagler) You know, spend a night in a haunted house, prove you aren't chicken. That kind of thing. Besides, midterms were coming up and it was as good an excuse not to study as any other."
"(Julia) Is this a picture of Jean? Whew! I'll bet I know why you really took her there, and it had nothing to do with ghostbusting."


"(Flagler) Yeah, this is Jean. And that night is all I ever think about now."
"(Julia) Please, if this is too painful for you, could we maybe ask Jean about it?"
"(Flagler) Ask Jean?? Ha, ha, ha! Ask Jean!? If only you could. Jean was killed that night. Killed by a falling bust."
"(Barnabas) A falling... bust?"
"(Julia) Don't look at me, mine fell years ago."


"(Flagler) As, shucks, ma'am. I can't refuse anybody with a jacket as fashionable as yours. Well, like I say. People kept saying that they saw things at Collinwood. They heard music. Or voices. I didn't believe 'em. It's just an empty house, I said. Jean and I went there on a dare."
"(Barnabas) On a dare?"
"(Flagler) It was either that, or try to recover the Ring of Terror."
"(Julia) Then you chose wisely, I'm sure."
"(Flagler) No, we didn't. We'd barely gotten inside. We were looking around that whaddyacallit? Foy-Yay?"
"(Barnabas) It's pronounced Foyer."
"(Flagler) We didn't see nothing."
"(Barnabas) Well, what did you see?"
"(Flagler) I just told you! We didn't see nothing!"
"(Barnabas) Well, what was it, then??"
"(Julia) Barnabas, please! I don't think he knows about double negatives."

"(Flagler) I felt something, sure enough. Something that made my skin crawl."
"(Julia) Ants?"
"(Flagler) Something creepy! Jean felt it too. All of a sudden I yelled to her, "Let's get out of here!" She was standing right below the staircase. She started to run to me, when all of a sudden, it fell. Not from the roof. I swear. But from somewhere up on that balcony! It fell and hit her! I got to her. Bent down to help her, and she was dead! And all of a sudden, I heard laughter. I swear I did. Laughter!"
(long pause)
"(Barnabas) Well, what's so funny about that?"

(Later, Barnabas and Julia return home)
"(Barnabas) That does it, Julia! This is no longer about just us and our own selfish interests. This is about helping others now, too. I fully intend to get back to 1970, and spare not only the Collins family, but that poor young man, Victor Flagstone."
"(Julia) Flagler."
"(Barnabas) Whatever."


"(Julia) It's possible the bust fell accidentally."
"(Barnabas) Yes, and perhaps the entire family was wiped out by falling busts. You don't believe that."
"(Julia) No, I don't. I just don't understand, Barnabas. All the signs point to Collinwood being wiped out by a malevolent spirit of some kind."
"(Barnabas) Well, what's not to understand?"
"(Julia) THIS house? Wiped out by ONE spirit? That would be like... like a mountaineer dying by falling off a footstool."

(As they enter the Mausoleum, Julia gasps in horror)
"(Julia) Gasp! BAR-na-bas!"
"(Barnabas) Boy, am I getting sick of that..."

"(Julia) Somebody knows! Look! The door to the secret room is open!"
"(Barnabas) Well, close it, fast. We're not paying to air condition the whole cemetery, you know."
(fade to black)

"(Bob Lloyd) And our Trivia Question of the Day... Where in the heck in today's episode did we see this candle??"


"(Bob Lloyd) In 1995, people don't have names any more!"

"(Bob Lloyd) Er, except for him."
"(Julia) Hey, where's our credits today??"

"(Bob Lloyd) Dan Curtis Productions: We'll leave the light on for ya..."

"(Bob Lloyd) Whoops! On the other hand, maybe we won't!"

          Episode 1062:   Barnabas and Julia find Carolyn in a beach shack. She refuses to reveal why Collinwood is abandoned and in ruins.