Julia Ties One On!

The Mausoleum Secret Room is Discovered!
"Carolyn, what were you doing in there??"
"Why shouldn't I be? That's one of the most famous secret rooms in the country ever since those construction workers found Jason McGuire's body buried in there. It was even on Sightings?. Good thing our family had already been destroyed by then because they were the Number One suspects."

The Film Melts in Mid Program!

Today on Dark Shadows...

Special Guest Star: Marc Anthony!

Barnabas and Julia Get Hauled in to Police Squad For Questioning!
"You sleep in a mausoleum, Mr. Collins?"
"Doesn't everybody?"

A New Villain is Introduced!
"And no, his name isn't "The Lip"!"

Episode 1063

Starring Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, Nancy Barrett, Don Crabtree, James Storm
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Sheriff Lobo. Last time on Dark Shadows 1995, the Collins family was forced to move to Pluto after David Collins was killed in a tragic personal helicopter accident."

"(Sheriff) Julia and Barnabas, escaping from Parallel Time, have returned to a Collinwood in ruins, with the family gone, and no record of why they left, where they are, or how deep. The three friends they do meet, Mrs. Johnson, Carolyn, and Professor Stokes, are of no help. To Barnabas' further sadness, Roxanne did not escape from Parallel Time with him..."
"(Barnabas) Roxanne!! Boo, hoo, hoo..."
"(Sheriff) There, there, Mr. Collins. I can't stand to see a vampire cry."


(In the Eagle Hill mausoleum...)
"(Julia) I… I felt the Evil at Collinwood, Barnabas. Didn't you?"
"(Barnabas) Yes, I suppose. But even if I hadn't, the sight of the place in ruins would have tipped me off that something was amiss."
"(Julia) Granted, the place always used to feel a bit sinister even on its best days."
"(Barnabas) Did it? I'd never noticed."
"(Julia) Yes, well I wouldn't expect you to. To you sleeping in a coffin is a Norman Rockwell moment."


(As they enter the Mausoleum, they find the door to the Secret Room wide open)
"(Barnabas) Gasp!!"
"(Julia) That's my line."

"(Bob Lloyd) A hideous, unspeakable monster slithers out of the Secret Room."
"(Ken McEwen) A hideous monster wearing support hose, purple pumps and a tie-dye skirt?"
"(Bob Lloyd) Use your imagination."

(Carolyn appears in the doorway of the Secret Room)
"(Barnabas) Carolyn!..... Er... So, you're the vampire!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) D'oh!"
(fade to black)



"(Crazi Carolyn) What are you two doing here?"
"(Julia) Yes, well... We... wanted Barnabas to see Naomi Collins' tomb."
"(Crazi Carolyn) But you've seen it before."
"(Julia) Twenty-five years ago, we saw it!"
"(Barnabas) The dates! That's it, we couldn't remember the dates."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Well, see for yourself. It says that she died in 1821."
"(Barnabas) Thank you."
"(Crazi Carolyn) ...Which is, of course, completely wrong, as she actually died in 1796."
"(Julia) You mean they never changed that after The 1795 Story * was over!?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) It's not easy to change something once it's set in stone."
* Episodes 366-460.

"(Crazi Carolyn) Why do you need to know the date of Naomi's death?"
"(Julia) We're working on a book."
"(Crazi Carolyn) A book? Wasn't that the reason you stayed with us all through the late 60's? Because you were working on some book that never came out?"
"(Julia) Did I say a book? Sorry, I meant a magazine article. For Psychiatry Today."
"(Crazi Carolyn) I see. What's your excuse?"
"(Barnabas) I've entered a Dark Shadows Trivia Contest."

"(Crazi Carolyn) How do you explain that?"
"(Barnabas) Explain what?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Back there!"
"(Julia) (innocently) Omigosh, Barnabas! Look! A Secret Room!"
"(Barnabas) (innocently) How exciting! Just like in those Nancy Drew games!"
"(Julia) Ghost of Thornton Hall!"
"(Barnabas) Quite!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Never mind that, what about the coffin in there?"
"(Barnabas) A coffin!?"
"(Julia) In a mausoleum!?"
"(Barnabas) This is incredible!?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Knock it off, you two! I'm crazi, what's your excuse??"

(Barnabas and Julia enter in mock wonder)
"(Barnabas) By golly, this is a Secret Room all right."
"(Julia) Not any more, of course."
"(Barnabas) Well, obviously."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Never mind that. What's this coffin doing in here?"
"(Julia) What coffin?"
"(Barnabas) Shh, Julia! Don't overdo it!"


"(Julia) Well, how should we know how a coffin got in here? Perhaps this is a Maintenance Room of some sort."
"(Barnabas) Yes, maybe this is a spare. You know, in case one of the coffins out there gets a flat."
"(Crazi Carolyn) You know, that sounds reasonable to me."
"(Julia) We thought it might."

"(Barnabas) How many secrets does this room have, I wonder? I mean how many does it have left, after we discovered this one?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) (sudden mood swing) Secrets, yes! Sometimes it's best not to know too many secrets, my Precious! Gollum! Gollum!"
"(Julia) I've seen mood swings before, but that one takes the cake!"


"(Barnabas) Do you know any more secrets about this room, Carolyn?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) There didn't use to be a coffin here."
"(Barnabas) When was the last time you were here?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) None of your business!!"
"(Barnabas) Someone else must know about this room, then."
(another mood swing)
"(Crazi Carolyn) Hee, hee, hee, hee. I know why it's here."
"(Barnabas) Why?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) It's for you!"
"(Barnabas) What!?? She knows! Quick, Julia! I'll get a shovel, you get the quicklime!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Or maybe it's for her. Whichever one of you dies first."
"(Barnabas) Oh! Thank goodness! Quick, Julia. Get your hypnotizing medallion and make her forget what I just said!"

"(Crazi Carolyn) I've forgotten it already. That's one of the benefits of being crazi, you know."
"(Barnabas) How unfortunate. I've forgotten it, too."
"(Crazi Carolyn) But I haven't forgotten that that coffin is waiting for one of you. Whichever one of you should die first if you continue with this pig-headed determination to stay around here."
"(Julia) I hate these examples with a moral."
(another mood swing)
"(Crazi Carolyn) Get out!! Do you hear me?? You do not belong here! Get out! Out! OUT!!"
"(Julia) Geez, what a grouch! If I ever go crazi, I'm going to laugh a lot more."

(they start to leave)
"(Barnabas) We'll be back."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Don't! Get out of here and never return!"
"(Bob Lloyd) On November 14th, Barnabas Collins was asked to remove himself from his place of residence! That request came from his cousin."
"(Barnabas) Oh, shut up!"

(After Barnabas and Julia leave, Carolyn seals up the old mausoleum again)
"(Crazi Carolyn) Hee, hee, hee, it'll be for him, I know it. He just seems the type. Oh, but Julia's been overdue for years now. Maybe I could put another coffin in there. His and Hearse! Hee, hee, hee, hee... (mood swing) Ooh! That's not funny."


"(Bob Lloyd) Meanwhile at Collinwood, the Courtyard still seems to be in pretty good condition."
(part of the wall collapses)
"(Bob Lloyd) Never mind."

"(Barnabas) She may know about the Secret Room, but that doesn't mean she knows about me."
"(Julia) We don't know, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) I don't want to harm her, Julia."
"(Julia) I'm starting to. But first things first. We've got to find a new hiding place for your coffin."
"(Barnabas) How about Collinwood?"
"(Julia) Oh no, not Collinwood! It isn't safe with whatever big nasty may be lurking in there."
"(Barnabas) Hmph, it doesn't seem fair somehow. I'm a vampire, and I'm having to hide from the Bogeyman."

"(Barnabas) How about Loomis House, then?"
"(Julia) It's The Old House again, and that's fine."
(suddenly, a blue glowing light appears in the window at Collinwood)
"(Julia) Look, Barnabas! Look at the window!"
"(Barnabas) I don't know. A strange, blue glowing light inside Collinwood! How odd!"
"(Julia) That is odd. I thought the Blue Light District was down at the docks."

(seeing a possible danger inside, Barnabas and Julia naturally rush in where angels fear to tread)
"(Julia) No sign of that blue light in the Drawing Room."
"(Barnabas) Yes, but I don't think that was the Drawing Room window we were looking in just now."
"(Julia) Well, what room was it, then?"
"(Barnabas) I'm not sure. I left my Dark Shadows Technical Manual left behind in Parallel Time."


(they blunder into the Drawing Room)
"(Julia) Has anything changed??"
"(Barnabas) How should I know if anything has changed!? It was a mess before, it's a mess now!"
"(Julia) Well, I don't know the full extent of your powers! If you can drink blood, live forever and turn into a bat, I thought maybe you could solve Spot the Difference games too!"

"(Barnabas) Wait a minute! Here's something that's different!"
"(Julia) What?"
"(Barnabas) Elizabeth's Diary was on the desk yesterday. It's gone now."
"(Julia) There's nothing here but this pocket knife with some kind of substance crusted on it."
"(Barnabas) What is it?"
"(Julia) Looks like dried blood."
"(Barnabas) Oh, that's no problem. Wet or dried, I take it either way."
(starts licking the blade clean)

"(Julia) Do you realize what this means, Barnabas?"
"(Barnabas) No, what?"
"(Julia) It proves someone was here. This knife wasn't here yesterday, but Elizabeth's diary was."
"(Barnabas) Well, it seems like a good trade to me. We'd already read the diary. (still licking the knife)

"(Julia) Barnabas, it's insane for us to be here. We don't even have a weapon."
"(Barnabas) We have a slightly saliva-stained pocket knife."
"(Julia) Oh, that's not going to be any use against a spirit, Barnabas! We need something more heavy duty."
"(Barnabas) Like what?"
"(Julia) Oh, I don't know. Like a cross! Some garlic. A vial of Holy Water."
"(Barnabas) You want ME to carry a cross?"
"(Julia) Oh! I'm sorry."
"(Barnabas) How about a stake? Maybe I should carry a stake and hammer too!"
"(Julia) All right, I said I was sorry!"

(Barnabas and Julia hear music and go back out front)
"(Barnabas) What's that?"
"(Julia) It's music!"
"(Barnabas) I know that! What music?"
"(Julia) I've never heard it before."
"(Barnabas) Was it Quentin's Theme?"
"(Julia) I'm sure it wasn't."
"(Barnabas) Angelique's Theme? Josette's Theme? Joanna's Theme, perhaps?"
"(Julia) It's not any of those people, Barnabas! It must be... (Gasp) a new character!"

(the music fades away)
"(Barnabas) It's gone now. That was rather catchy. It sounded a bit like the Deutschlandlied. o/Einigkeit und recht und freiheit, fur das Deutsches vaterland/o..."
"(Julia) A little advice, Barnabas. Don't ever sing with a vengeful spirit nearby."
"(Barnabas) I'm sorry."
"(Julia) What do these things all mean, Barnabas?"
(Carolyn is spying on them through a window)
"(Barnabas) Perhaps this spirit is trying to frighten us away."
"(Julia) With a dagger on the desk? With music? Oh no, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) That is only the first step."
"(Julia) What's the second?"
"(Barnabas) Rock and Roll Music."


(Later at Police Squad)
"(Sheriff Lobo) Well, well, well, if it ain't Miss Carolyn. If you ain't lookin' purtier than a prairie dog pokin' it's snoot up out of a hog waller!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Sheriff, I need your help."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Now, I told you before, Miss Carolyn. If you lose your nickel in the apple machine, you've got to call the company!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) D'oh!"

"(Crazi Carolyn) It's not that, it's something else."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Like what?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Something very important that only you can help me with. Will you do it?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Why sure, Miss Carolyn. I been wantin' to do you a favor ever since I used to watch you down at the swimmin' hole when I was a kid."
"(Crazi Carolyn) I don't remember that."
"(Sheriff Lobo) You didn't know I was watchin'. Maybe because I was off in the bushes with a pair o' binoculars."


(Upstairs at Collinwood)
"(Julia) Here we are, Barnabas. For the first time I'm almost afraid to go in my own room."
"(Barnabas) Because of the ghosts?"
"(Julia) No, I left a pound of limburger cheese on my dresser back in 1970. If Mrs. Johnson never threw it out, it's probably developed a rudimentary intelligence by now."

(they enter)
"(Julia) Would you believe you're the first man I've ever had in my bedroom, Barnabas?"
"(Barnabas) I'd believe it, I'd believe it. Has the room been looted, or did you always keep it this way?"
"(Julia) Oh, quiet. At least the cheese is gone."
"(Barnabas) Sniff, sniff. But not forgotten."

(Julia goes to her wardrobe and opens it)
"(Julia) Barnabas, look! My clothes, hanging exactly the way I left them in 1970 when I went to Angelique's Room."
(Barnabas mutters something under his breath)
"(Julia) What do you mean even burglars have standards??"

(Julia pulls a metal strongbox from the floor of her wardrobe)
"(Julia) Here it is... Oh no, Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) What?"
"(Julia) The lock has been broken! And my diary with all of my notes are missing."
"(Barnabas) What notes?"
"(Julia) About you and my experiments to create an anti-vampire elixir to cure you! If they've fallen into the wrong hands!..."
"(Barnabas) Now, calm down, Julia! It was Dr. Woodard who broke the lock on your strongbox back in Episode 340, remember? And the diary is gone because you gave it to Tony Peterson, who put it in a safe deposit box in Boston for you. It's perfectly safe."
"(Julia) Thank goodness. At least one of us knows his Dark Shadows Trivia here."

"(Julia) Um, Barnabas? Just one problem."
"(Barnabas) Yes?"
"(Julia) Well, you remember all of this happened back when we were at odds with each other. And if you'll remember, when I gave the diary to Tony Peterson, I kinda sorta told him to turn it over to the Police if I was killed or mysteriously disappeared. And since I've been gone for 25 years, he probably kinda assumed that that's what happened."
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"
"(Julia) Barnabas, I feel terrible about the idea that someone may have learned your secret over the mistaken idea that you had killed me."
"(Barnabas) (angrily) Well, the jury may still be out on whether that idea is mistaken!"

"(Julia) Well, let's not panic just yet. If anyone did learn your secret, they may be dead, or nowhere near Collinsport. If we get back home, it won't matter."
(a sudden wind blows the candles out)
"(Julia) Barnabas!!"
"(Barnabas) Is there a spirit in this room?? If there is, we wish you to appear to us!"
"(Julia) Speak for yourself!!"


"(Barnabas) We beseech you! If you will not show yourself to us, give us a sign! Tell us who you are!"
(the windows fly open)
(bureau drawers open and close by themselves)
(a pile of books arranges itself in a vertical stack)
"(Julia) Wait a minute, wait a minute. I've got a great idea."
"(Barnabas) What is it?"
"(Julia) RUN, SCOOB!!"
(dust cloud)

"(Bob Lloyd) Attention, K-Mart Shoppers. There is a Blue Light special in the Drawing Room."

(Barnabas and Julia rush downstairs)
"(Julia) I don't care what you say, Barnabas. It is too dangerous our staying in this house! We've got to find some other place for you to hide. Surely you can see that."
"(Barnabas) I've already agreed to stay in the Old House, although that one is haunted too, you know."
"(Julia) Not like this! Let's go there now. Whatever spirit is here is trying to frighten us away, and he's doing a pretty good job of it, too!"
"(Barnabas) If he wants to frighten us away, why is he doing such interesting things?"
"(Julia) I don't know, I guess there's just no way to haunt a house boringly."

(As Barnabas and Julia leave Collinwood, they walk right into the arms of Sheriff Lobo)
"(Sheriff Lobo) All right, hold it right there, you two!"
"(Barnabas) Oh! Sheriff! (looks at Julia) Er, it's all right, Sheriff! She's over 18."
"(Sheriff Lobo) I'LL say she is!"
"(Julia) Er, Sheriff, don't forget YOU have the right to remain silent too."


(Later, Barnabas and Julia have been hauled down to Police Squad)
"(Barnabas) I still don't understand why you've brought us here, Sheriff. What's the charge? If it's about..."
(Julia jabs him in the ribs)
"(Julia) Ixnay! Don't volunteer anything incriminating that he might not know already... Er, not that there IS anything like that, Sheriff."

"(Sheriff Lobo) I've had a complaint about you two."
"(Julia) From who?"
"(Barnabas) That's "whom"."
"(Julia) Quiet, Barnabas. He's the Sheriff, not the Grammar Police."


(The Sheriff starts playing with the pocket knife)
"(Sheriff Lobo) we received a complaint from the owner of Collinwood. She reports that you were trespassing on her property."
(The Sheriff whacks the knife blade into his palm for emphasis)
"(Sheriff Lobo) You did say you were a doctor, didn't you?"
"(Julia) Here, take this."
(Julia hands him gauze and a bandage)
"(Barnabas) Here, let me help you with that."
(takes the knife and starts licking it again)

"(Barnabas) You mean Carolyn? She's a distant cousin of mine."
"(Sheriff Lobo) That's your story. Neither one of you has any identification."
"(Julia) We left our Driver's licenses in Bangor, that's all."
"(Barnabas) But it doesn't matter. I look exactly like the portrait of the original Barnabas Collins that Carolyn has at her house."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Yes, well unfortunately, Mr. Collins, we don't establish a person's identification here by how much he resembles some old portrait."
"(Barnabas) (whispering) What sort of nutty time have we stumbled into, Julia??"

"(Barnabas) As for trespassing, Carolyn obviously doesn't remember that the Old House is in my name."
"(Sheriff Lobo) When was it put in your name, Mr. Collins?"
"(Barnabas) Mrs. Stoddard gave it to my father back in the late 60's, and he willed it to me."
"(Sheriff Lobo) But I didn't find you at the Old House, Mr. Collins."
"(Barnabas) Well no, but you can certainly understand that I was curious as to what effect a haunted house next door might have on my own property values."
"(Sheriff Lobo) How did you even get here when you don't have a car?"
"(Julia) Friends dropped us off, and will pick us up later. We're staying at the Bangor Pine Hotel."
"(Sheriff Lobo) But that place was torn down in 1983."
"(Julia) I thought it looked a little run down."

"(Julia) One of those hotels. I've got a bad memory for names."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Collinwood is not a healthy place to hang around."
"(Barnabas) Why? What happened there?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) I'm asking the questions. I hope you realize I can book the both of you on vagrancy."
"(Barnabas) Vagrancy!? Why, I own a house here. I have a great deal of money, Sheriff."
"(Julia) Yes, surely even a small town goober understands that the rich don't go to jail."
"(Barnabas) Julia, please! Let me do the talking!"

"(Sheriff Lobo) Just take my advice, Mr. Collins. You've seen your house. It's a bit of a lemon. Why not move on?"
"(Barnabas) What if I intend to stay here and restore it?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) You might start, but I doubt think you'll ever finish."
"(Barnabas) Why not?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Let's just say you won't like the neighborhood."
"(Julia) Can we go now, Sheriff?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Well..."
"(Julia) Or would you like to strip search me first?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) GO!!"


(As Barnabas and Julia leave, Carolyn comes out of a side room)
"(Sheriff Lobo) Sorry, Miss Carolyn. I did the best I could."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Hmph! The best you could, indeed! No booking, no fingerprinting, no cavity search, not even a little good old fashioned Police Brutality!"


(Barnabas and Julia head back to Collinwood)
"(Julia) Barnabas, we shouldn't come back here. The sheriff may return."
"(Barnabas) We've got to chance it if we want to find out what destroyed Collinwood. Besides, the Parallel Time Room is inside."
"(Julia) Okay, so what exactly are we going in there looking for, anyway?"
"(Barnabas) I'm not sure, but if something kills us, we'll know we've found it."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

(the front doors fly open by themselves)
"(Julia) Oh! Thank you, Thing."


(Barnabas and Julia light candles and start exploring the upstairs Foyer landing)
"(Julia) Jinkies!"
"(Barnabas) Oh, knock it off, Julia!"

(Suddenly, that new theme song starts playing again)
"(Julia) Is someone there!??"
"(Barnabas) I'd better check. You stay here, Julia."
"(Julia) o/The dead are aliiiiiiive, with The Sound of Music..../o"
"(Barnabas) And no singing!"

(As Barnabas starts to go into the upstairs hall, something goes bump in the night back in the Drawing Room, forcing them to rush down and investigate that instead)
"(Julia) Look! That fallen lamp must have made the sound we heard. The ghost must have knocked it over."
"(Barnabas) Ah, but that's useful, Julia."
"(Julia) How do you mean?"
"(Barnabas) If it has enough of a physical presence to knock over a lamp, it may be not so much a ghost as a poltergeist."
"(Julia) What's that? The ghost of a chicken?"
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"

(Back at Police Squad, Carolyn has her photo album out)
"(Crazi Carolyn) ...And this is the Spanish Inquisition hiding behind the coal shed."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Oh! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition!"

"(Sheriff Lobo) Miss Carolyn, while it's awful fun looking at your old album this way, I'd rather see your bearskin rug pictures."
"(Crazi Carolyn) Just one more. I want you to explain something to me."
(Carolyn shows Lobo a picture of Julia dated 1970)
"(Crazi Carolyn) Look at that."
"(Sheriff Lobo) It's the same woman who was just in here!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) That's right, and it's dated 25 years ago. Now, can you explain how anyone can look the same as they did 25 years ago?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) She's Dick Clark's mom?"

"(Sheriff Lobo) She even wears her hair the same way and has the same incredibly fashionable jacket."
"(Crazi Carolyn) And she's not Dick Clarks' mom. Furthermore, at my house, I have an oil portrait of Barnabas Collins, that was painted in 1794, and it looks exactly the same as the man who was just in here. It's also exactly the same as his so-called father looked in 1970."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Do you have a picture of his father?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) I certainly do. Here's a picture of Barnabas and I standing outside Collinwood in 1968. * And HE looks exactly the same as the man who was just in here too!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Who's this shadowy figure behind the two of you? The girl who looks like she's being hanged?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Oh, that's our old governess. Ignore that, that's from an old storyline."
* Episode 659.

"(Sheriff Lobo) So, what does all this mean?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) You tell me."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Aliens! They grow out of pods!"
"(Crazi Carolyn) No, no."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Android duplicates?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) No, no, think a little less science-fictiony."
"(Sheriff Lobo) It's not true and we're just a couple of crackpots?"
"(Crazi Carolyn) Ridiculous, I don't know about you, but I'm as sane as anyone in town. (cackles insanely)"


(Back at Collinwood)
"(Barnabas) Poltergeist, Julia! Not Poultry Geist."
"(Julia) Oh, I see."
"(Barnabas) Apparently, this thing can materialize or dematerialize at will."
"(Julia) So can you, but it finds us and we don't find it."
"(Barnabas) I just teleport from place to place, but it exists permanently in a non-corporal form."
"(Julia) You mean non-corporeal."
"(Barnabas) It's not in the military, is it?? That makes it non-corporal!"
"(Julia) Cheater! You know that's not what you meant!"


(that strange new theme begins playing again)
"(Barnabas) It's coming from upstairs. I'm going to trace that back to the source. You wait here right underneath that huge stone bust, where it's safe."
"(Julia) It seems there's something wrong about this, I just can't put my finger on it."

(As Barnabas goes upstairs, the Roman bust declines and falls to the ground near Julia)
"(Julia) Waaaaaaah!!!!! BAR-NA-BAS!!!!"
"(Barnabas) What's wrong?? That thing missed you by a mile!"
"(Julia) It's the thought that counts!!!"


(Barnabas takes Julia by the hand, and drags her out of Collinwood into the nearby woods)
"(Julia) No, no, no!! It tried to KILL me with that Roman Bust!!!"
"(Barnabas) It's all right, Julia! It came, it saw, it conked out."
"(Julia) I'd have been just like Jean!"
"(Barnabas) Calm down, Julia. I saw her photo, and I can assure you that you are NOTHING like Jean!"
"(Julia) Thanks a lot!"

(Julia takes a look back at Collinwood, and gasps)
"(Julia) GASP!!"
"(Barnabas) Are you gasping at some new horror, Julia, or just on general principle?"


(Looking out of one of the windows of Collinwood, Julia sees an unknown spectral man sneering at the both of them)
"(Barnabas) Who is THAT??"
"(Julia) I don't know, but I have a feeling it's this story's new villain."
"(Barnabas) Angelique had better legs."
(fade to black)


"(Julia) I wasn't afraid! Did any of you think I was afraid back there? Ha! That's a good one on you, isn't it?"

"(Crazi Carolyn) Didn't I used to have a last name??"

"(Ken McEwen) Sheriff Lobo?"
"(Dan Curtis) Short for Lobotomy."

"(Bob Lloyd) Why does he get a credit? He didn't even have a line!"
"(Dan Curtis) Gerard doesn't NEED a line. He was once voted the Toughest Guy Ever to Eat a Popsicle at a Hanging."


"(Bob Lloyd) None of this work went on Mr. Tomashoff's resume..."


"(Ken McEwen) This place has gone so far to seed, the American Pickers won't even come here any more."

          Episode 1063:   After the sheriff warns them to leave town, Barnabas and Julia hide in the Old House, and see an unknown evil spirit.