House of Dark Shadows:
Staked as a vampire by the police.

Episode 1049:
Stabbed to death by Roger.

Episode 1068:
Scared to death by Gerard.

Today on Dark Shadows, Carolyn Dies For the 3rd Time In As Many Months!

Oscar Madison Moves to Collinwood!

Julia Betrays Barnabas!
"I'm a Ba-aaaaaaad Girl!"

Quentin Calls the Cops on Julia!
"She's got cooties! I swear!"

Today on Dark Shadows...

Quentin Winds Up Behind Bars!

Julia Gives Quentin a Sedative!
"I don't think this will be enough. I'm going to need a bigger one."
(grabs a clown hammer)

Barnabas Encounters the Long Arm of the Law!

Episode 1069

Starring Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, Nancy Barrett, James Storm, Don Crabtree, David Selby
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Quentin Collins. Collinwood in 1995. A time when the house is deserted and in ruins, due to some unknown catastrophe in 1970 which destroyed the Collins family. Last time on Dark Shadows, Carolyn got herself killed... again!"

"(Quentin) Carolyn had sent Barnabas a note saying that she had remembered everything about the disaster, and the Evil Spirit that had destroyed the house, and that she was willing to tell Barnabas all about it. Unfortunately, she asked him to meet her right in the heart of the spook's lair. Even I wouldn't have made a mistake like that."

"(Barnabas) Well, this is the place, but no sign of Carolyn."
"(Julia) So, what'll we do until she shows up?"
"(Barnabas) How about telling ghost stories?"
"(Julia) Oh, give it a rest for once, Barnabas!"

"(Barnabas) Wait a minute, I think I see her in the Drawing Room."
(Carolyn is seated at a desk writing a note)
"(Barnabas) Carolyn. I can't tell you how much your cooperation means to me. I know I don't get emotional very often, but I'm all choked up right now..."

(Carolyn falls to the floor dead)
"(Barnabas) Looks like I'm not the only one!"




(Barnabas takes Carolyn's pulse)
"(Barnabas) Nothing. Oh please, please, please let my watch have stopped for once!"

"(Barnabas) Julia! Come quickly!"
(Out in the Foyer, Julia is transfixed by the Dead Bishop on the landing again)
"(Julia) Gulp!"
(Gerard shakes his head no)
"(Julia) Um, be with you in a minute, Barnabas!... (If I'm still alive, that is)."

(Barnabas comes out angrily)
"(Barnabas) Shake a leg, Julia! This is important!"
"(Julia) What?"
"(Barnabas) Carolyn is dead!"
"(Julia) Again?"
"(Barnabas) What do you mean "again"? This Carolyn hasn't died before. Julia, is something wrong with you?"
"(Julia) No! Why do you ask?"
"(Barnabas) Well, you're not screaming, gasping, making blowfish faces, or batting your eyelashes like you normally do when someone dies."
"(Julia) I guess I'm just tired, that's all."
"(Barnabas) Well, aren't you going to come examine the body?"
"(Julia) Okay, okay, what's your rush? She'll still be dead a minute from now."
"(Barnabas) She may not be the only one!"


(they go back into the Drawing Room, but Carolyn isn't there)
"(Barnabas) Where is she?? Whereisshe??"
"(Julia) Gesundheit."
"(Barnabas) This is no time for jokes, Julia."
"(Julia) I'm sorry Barnabas, but the absence of Carolyn's dead body makes me happier than its presence would. Maybe you just imagined it."
"(Barnabas) I didn't imagine it! She was right there on that floor! Her eyes were full of fear!"
"(Julia) What could she have seen to cause that?"
"(Barnabas) It must have been that man we saw! The one with the black clothes and the wall-to-wall sneer! She was here, I tell you! She was here!!"
"(Julia) Barnabas, have you..."
"(Barnabas) No, I haven't been sucking Timmy Leary's blood again!!!"

(Barnabas finds the note Carolyn was writing)
"(Barnabas) Julia! Look!"
"(Julia) A piece of paper. Let me get rid of it for you."
"(Barnabas) Carolyn wrote this just before she died! She'd remembered! She was trying to write down what she wanted to tell us in case she forgot again."
"(Julia) So, what does it say?"
"(Barnabas) The Night of the Sun and the Moon."
"(Julia) That doesn't make any sense!"
"(Barnabas) The Night Rose Cottage Was Destroyed."
"(Julia) Rose Cottage?? There's no such place near here! Carolyn was mad, Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) What could these clues mean??"
"(Julia) They sound like she was auditioning for a spot on The 20,000 Pyramid."


"(Barnabas) Wait, there's more. The Unfinished Horoscope!"
"(Julia) Who'd leave a Horoscope Unfinished?"
"(Barnabas) The Night I Sang My Song!"
"(Julia) Carolyn is a terrible singer! Don't you remember that "I wanna dance wif yoo" song?"
"(Barnabas) The Picnic?"
"(Julia) Carolyn hates picnics. Around here Ants, Rain and Mosquitos always ruin them."
"(Barnabas) The last clue is The Murder, and if you find fault with that one too, then there's going to be one!"


"(Barnabas) Julia, all of these are vital clues!"
"(Julia) Please, Barnabas. That other note she sent you fooled me. I thought she was coherent, but obviously she wasn't. This is all gibberish! The Unfinished Horoscope indeed! Madness!"
"(Barnabas) I don't care what you say, these are important things she wanted to tell us."
"(Julia) Well, even if they were, they're going to end up being just like those clues to Quentin's Death in 1897, that totally incomprehensible until it was too late. Remember those clues? The Night a Silver Bullet Was Found at Collinwood, and the others?"
"(Barnabas) Well, we'll work their meaning out later. The first job is to find Carolyn's Body. Find the nearest telephone and call the Sheriff."
"(Julia) The Sheriff?? I can't call the Sheriff, Barnabas! We're not supposed to be here! He might run us both in."
"(Barnabas) Carolyn's note invited us here, remember?"
"(Julia) He might take us down to Police Squad and have us booked and fingerprinted! And your fingerprints don't show up, remember?"
"(Barnabas) That's mirrors I don't show up in, not fingerprints!"

"(Julia) I just think it's risky involving the Sheriff, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) I know Carolyn is still in the house somewhere. I know it."
"(Julia) Barnabas, I don't think we should involve the Sheriff in this. He'll ask too many questions. "(Barnabas) Julia, what is wrong with you today?"
"(Julia) What do you mean?"
"(Barnabas) You disagree with everything I say?"
"(Julia) I do not!"
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"


"(Barnabas) Everything I suggest, you disagree with. Whatever I propose, you're against!"
"(Julia) With good reason, Barnabas. I should be asking what's wrong with you? You keep proposing these nutty ideas! Like calling the Sheriff! Since when do you report murders to the law?"
"(Barnabas) Since always... When I didn't cause them, of course."

"(Julia) Well, this sounds very risky, Barnabas. He might decide to hold us. Besides, the very idea of reporting a murder we can't prove even happened!"
"(Barnabas) I saw it, Julia!"
"(Julia) Well, we have no body to show the Sheriff! Suppose we bring him here, and while we're trying to convince him, Carolyn walks in the door and makes us both look like idiots!"
"(Barnabas) Julia, if Carolyn walked in the door, she'd be alive!"
"(Julia) All right, I don't deny there'd be a positive side to it..."

"(Barnabas) Julia, we've got to not think of ourselves for once. Carolyn is dead! Now, go find a telephone and call the Sheriff!"
(on the landing, Gerard nods agreement to Julia)
"(Julia) Okay. Okay, Barnabas. I'll go to the Sheriff. But I'm telling you, there's no point telephoning him."
"(Barnabas) Why not?"
"(Julia) Because the nearest phone is in his office."
"(Barnabas) Oh, that's right, isn't it? You know, back in Parallel Time, I must have just gotten used to having a phone in the Old House! Remind me to have one installed if we ever get back home."

(As Julia leaves, Barnabas resumes searching)
"(Barnabas) You know, what's really odd is that this house still has the same incidental music it had 25 years ago."

"(Barnabas) Why would Gerard take Carolyn's body? For what reason? As some sort of hideous joke?"
"(Barnabas) He doesn't seem the Funny Type... Of course, what would I know about that?"

"(Barnabas) How could he have gotten it out of the Drawing Room without our seeing him?... Wait! The Secret Panel to the West Wing! I should have checked that first!"
(Barnabas goes back into the Drawing Room, and opens the secret panel)
"(Barnabas) All of this work is making me hungry. If I DO find Carolyn's body, I'm going to... but no... No, that would be too hard to explain to the Police."


(Barnabas whirls to find Gerard behind him)
"(Barnabas) What have you done to Carolyn, you fiend? * Let me have her body! Is there no decency in you? Let me bury her at least, as she should be! Don't just toss her into some unmarked grave in the woods somewhere!" **
* Is that any way to ask?
** Thank you, Mr. Do-as-I-say-not-as-I-do.

(Out in the Foyer, Julia returns)
"(Julia) Barnabas?"
(As Barnabas looks away for a split second, Gerard disappears) *
"(Julia) Barnabas, what's wrong?"
"(Barnabas) I saw him! The Sneering Ghost! He was right here a moment ago! I've never seen such an Evil face! He intends to keep her body!"
"(Julia) How do you know? Did he speak to you?"
"(Barnabas) No, but he sneered at me like this! (makes a face)"
"(Julia) Oh, Barnabas. (makes a face) That sneer doesn't mean "I'm going to keep her body"! (makes another face) This sneer means "I'm going to keep her body!" (makes the first face again) That sneer means "Leave this place immediately"."
"(Barnabas) I can't believe it. We're beginning to understand Sneerese."
* Having Barnabas look away saves the cost of a dissolve effect.


"(Barnabas) Where is the Sheriff?"
"(Julia) He'll be here soon."
"(Barnabas) You didn't bring him with you?"
"(Julia) Well, he was busy. He said he'd be here as soon as he was done."
"(Barnabas) Another case?"
"(Julia) Two for One sale at Winchell's."

"(Barnabas) What is wrong with you today? You seem decidedly off your feed."
"(Julia) Do you think I'm unphased by all this? I remember Carolyn the way she was in 1970 before we left. If we get back home, how can I face her?"
"(Barnabas) Well, with any luck, we'll be able to change the timeline so that none of this ever happens."
"(Julia) Maybe, but still. The very idea of trying to deal with her again not knowing. I'll remember having seen her like this. So old. So crazi."
"(Barnabas) Her mental state may be hard to face, I grant you, but as for age, she's still younger than you are."
"(Julia) Thanks a LOT, Barnabas!"

"(Barnabas) Well, I've searched everywhere I can down here. I was just about to search the Secret Passage to the West Wing, when... Wait a minute! I have it!"
"(Julia) The Body?"
"(Barnabas) No, not yet, but it will soon be forthcoming. Wait here for the Sheriff, then join me upstairs! I'm going to the Playroom."
"(Julia) Is this really the time for playing games?"
"(Barnabas) Don't make me bite you, Julia!"

(As Barnabas leaves, Julia looks furtively around the room)
"(Julia) Psst! Gerard? Gerard, are you here?... Did you really have to kill her?... I thought you were Evil in a cool way!"


(Barnabas arrives outside the Playroom)
"(Barnabas) Something decidedly odd is going on here!"
"(Barnabas) Wait a minute, this door is locked!... And also, didn't this corridor use to be at a 45 degree angle?"

(Julia and Sheriff Lobo arrive)
"(Julia) What are you doing out here, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) The door's been locked from the inside. Hello, Sheriff."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Mr. Collins, I got some questions for you!"
"(Barnabas) Not now!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Looky here. If you two were in the Foyer, how could anyone get a body out of the Drawing Room without you seeing them?"
"(Barnabas) There's a secret panel in the Drawing Room that leads straight to the West Wing."
"(Sheriff Lobo) How clever of you to think of that."
"(Barnabas) Yes, well I've used it myself from time to time... (Did I say that out loud?)."

"(Barnabas) Stuck tight. You try it, Sheriff. There must be some reason for it to be locked. It wasn't earlier."
(the Sheriff turns the knob and opens the door)
"(Barnabas) Er... Good thing I got it started it for you, isn't it?"

(the three of them enter the Playroom and look on in horror)
"(Barnabas) Gasp!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Gasp!"
"(Julia) Hey, that's my line!"

(At the far end of the room, Carolyn's dead body is laid out on a bier!!)
"(Sheriff Lobo) Oh my!"
"(Barnabas) Poor Carolyn! But at least this proves she's really dead."
"(Julia) (instinctively) No, she's not... I mean Poor Carolyn!"

"(Barnabas) Someone has a rather bizarre sense of humor."
"(Sheriff Lobo) I don't get it, but I ain't known for my sense of humor on the best days."
"(Barnabas) Who put those flowers there? What a grotesque sense of humor."
"(Julia) I don't know about you two, but I'm rather grateful for anything to kill the smell."

"(Sheriff Lobo) She was a lovely woman. I remember her when I was young. I never thought she'd end like this."
"(Barnabas) You knew her before she changed. What caused that change, Sheriff?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) I dunno... But it might have something to do with her being found babbling in the Tower Room when she was 22, and her whole family being dead or missing."
"(Barnabas) Psst. This guy is even further behind the curve than we are, Julia."

"(Barnabas) Well, whatever happened in 1970 is still happening now. Whatever caused that disaster caused this one also. Can you help us, Sheriff?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) I'm going to have to try. Investigating this is my job, you know."
"(Barnabas) What a stroke of luck. Tell me, have you ever heard of a Gerard?"
"(Barnabas) Well... There's Gerard Depardieu, of course... I doubt he's got anything to do with this."
"(Barnabas) Did Carolyn ever mention a Gerard to you?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) No, she never did. Who is he?"
"(Barnabas) He's a spirit, Sheriff, and he's incredibly Evil!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) An Evil Spirit?"
"(Barnabas) Yes, you people still believe in Good and Evil in the 1990's, don't you?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Of course."
"(Barnabas) Well, good... I saw some of your afternoon talk shows the other day, and I had my doubts."

"(Sheriff Lobo) You're saying an Evil Spirit killed Miss Carolyn?"
"(Barnabas) A spirit capable of materializing and dematerializing. I saw him in the Drawing Room. He could be in here now eavesdropping on us. The fiend! The cad! The depraved monster!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Well, I don't know about that, Mr. Collins. It sounds to me like this Gerard is probably a pretty decent chap. A bit misunderstood perhaps, but aren't we all?"
"(Barnabas) Have you lost your mind, Sheriff?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) No, but if there's an Evil Spirit eavesdropping on us, I'd rather not make him mad if it's all the same to you!"

"(Sheriff Lobo) How do you know this spirit killed her? Did you see him do it?"
"(Barnabas) Well no, but he's haunting this house, and I found her dead in the Drawing Room."
"(Sheriff Lobo) That's pure Guilt By Association, Mr. Collins! We'd be laughed out of court with evidence like that..."
"(Barnabas) I suppose."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Of course, even with good evidence, cases about ghost murderers do tend to tickle a jury's funny bones..."

"(Barnabas) I hope you're taking this seriously, Sheriff."
"(Sheriff Lobo) More seriously than you think. I don't know this spirit even exists. And I don't know it killed Carolyn! But I do know you and Miss Carolyn argued, so as far as I'm concerned, you two are both suspects. After the autopsy, I may have some questions for you too, so don't leave this time..."
"(Barnabas) This time?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Town. I mean don't leave town."
"(Barnabas) Well, if you don't object, I'm going to call Eliot Stokes, and see about exorcising the house."
"(Sheriff Lobo) What are you going to do? Make it do 20 pushups?"
"(Barnabas) Oh, put a sock in it, Sheriff... Why do I set myself up for these things?"
"(Julia) Because you've got no sense of humor."
"(Barnabas) You keep out of this!"

"(Barnabas) I know how your autopsy will show. Heart failure. Carolyn was frightened to death."
"(Sheriff Lobo) By this Gerard. Gerard who? When did he live? How did he die?"
"(Barnabas) I have no idea. I've been trying to find out."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Well then, how do you even know his name?"
"(Barnabas) I saw it in the credits the other day! Sigh... Look at Carolyn... Just lying there. What a cruel thing to have done to her."
"(Julia) Now Barnabas, she's laid out very respectfully on the table. It's not like he twisted her into funny positions or anything."


"(Sheriff Lobo) I'll run my investigation, Mr. Collins. You can do what you like as long as it doesn't interfere with me."
"(Barnabas) Except leaving town."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Right, we already covered that earlier. Well, I'd better get to the telephone and see about getting an ambulance to move this body out of here."
"(Barnabas) If you like, Sheriff, I can help you move both Carolyn and the table. You take one end, I'll take the other."
"(Sheriff Lobo) No, no, it's a little too heavy for us."
"(Julia) It looks like a light bier to me."


"(Barnabas) Are you coming, Julia?"
"(Julia) You two go. I want to stay with Carolyn."
"(Sheriff Lobo) You're crazi, Lady!"
"(Julia) I am going to stay here, Sheriff. I knew Carolyn when I was young. The least I can do is sit with her body until your men come back."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Carolyn was alive when you were young!?"
"(Julia) Oh, shut up!"

"(Barnabas) Um, Julia?"
"(Julia) You will not change my mind, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) You were afraid to be alone in the Foyer before. Now you want to sit with a stiff?"
"(Julia) I will be safe as long as I am with her."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Do whatever you want. Just sign this first."
"(Julia) You're giving me a ticket!?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) It's not a ticket. Just a waiver saying that you were alive when I left you. I'm taking a big risk leavin' you here."
"(Julia) My heart bleeds for you, Sheriff."
"(Sheriff Lobo) See that it doesn't!"


(As Barnabas and the Sheriff step outside, Gerard materializes in the corner)
"(Julia) Shh! Wait till they've gone! I mustn't be seen with you!"
"(Gerard, to himself) You're telling me! I've got a reputation to think of!"


"(Julia) Listen to me! You must leave this house! There will be an exorcism! I know it!"
(Gerard sneers in such a way as to say "Exorcism? I eat 'em for breakfast")
"(Julia) I don't think you should take this si lightly!"
(Gerard sneers in such a way as to say "You just shut up and do as you're told")
"(Julia) All right, what do you want me to do?"
(Gerard sneers in an ambiguous way")
"(Julia) I'm sorry, I'm not reading you. Could you possibly re-phrase that sneer?"

(Meanwhile at Monticello, Thomas Jefferson argues for the inclusion of a Bill of Rights in the Constitution)

(Back at the Old House, the Sheriff is talking to a brick wall)
"(Sheriff Lobo) Please believe me, Mr. Collins! You're Mr. Collins! Quentin Collins of Collinsport!"
"(Quentin) Who did I say I was?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Richard Channing of Falcon Crest!"


"(Quentin) Ask Carolyn. She'll tell you who I am."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Mr. Collins, I've told you five times. I can't tell Miss Carolyn anything because she's dead."
"(Quentin) Who killed her??"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Nobody did. I've already told you. The coroner ruled it heart failure.
"(Quentin) Oh, that old one again, eh? Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee."
"(Sheriff Lobo) What's that supposed to mean?"
"(Quentin) Never mind. If I told you, you'd think I was crazi. Hee, hee, hee, hee, hee!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Yeah, can't be too careful there!"


"(Sheriff Lobo) Mr. Collins, the coroner said it was heart failure, and that's the final verdict as far as I'm concerned."
"(Quentin) No! No! He killed her!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) He Who?"
"(Quentin) He did! Barnabas Collins made him do it!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Barnabas Collins made who do what?"
"(Quentin) Barnabas made Carolyn go to that house! He wasn't satisfied being ignorant! He had to try to find out what happened there!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) And you're... okay with being ignorant?"
"(Quentin) Aren't you?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Mr. Collins, I'm the Law in this town!... I'm supposed to be in the dark!"

"(Quentin) Wait a minute! I just had a thought!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) A whole thought??"
"(Quentin) How come we park in driveways and drive in parkways?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) I park wherever I want! I'm the Sheriff!"
"(Quentin) Sheriff! Of course, you're the Sheriff! You've to to save me, Sheriff! He'll kill me too!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Who are you talking about? A certain... Gerard?"
"(Quentin) Don't say that name!!!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) What name?"
"(Quentin) Gerard... D'oh!!"

"(Quentin) I don't know any Gerard! I've never even heard of Gerard Depardieu!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Okay, now just calm down. Now, why didn't this Mr. Barnabas Collins or Miss Julia Hoffman tell you that Carolyn died?"
"(Quentin) Barnabas is afraid to face me! He made her go to that room! He made her go to that house!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) The note he showed me said that she asked him to go there."
"(Quentin) She only asked him there because he wanted to know what happened in 1970! If he hadn't wanted to know, she wouldn't have picked that place to meet, and the ghost wouldn't have got her. So, don't you see? Barnabas killed her!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Isn't that rather convoluted reasoning, Mr. Collins?"
"(Quentin) Well, I... don't like to brag..."


"(Sheriff Lobo) Oh, by the way, I should have read you your rights before I started asking questions. I'm always forgetting that."
"(Quentin) What are my rights?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Oh, you know, keeping quiet, not talking without an attorney present, that sort of thing. It's hard to remember them all."
"(Quentin) How about brandy?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) There's no right to brandy!"
"(Quentin) No right to brandy?? Geez, it's hard to believe that Sam Adams was one of the Founding Fathers!"

"(Quentin) What was I doing in the woods that night?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Beats me."
"(Quentin) Why couldn't I stop what happened?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Stop what?"
"(Quentin) Elizabeth! Where's Elizabeth?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) I don't know, but she couldn't stop it either."
"(Quentin) What was I doing in the woods that night? Why couldn't I stop it? What WAS it that I couldn't stop? And why do I have these feelings of despair?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Mr. Collins, if you start singing, I'm snapping on the cuffs!"

(Julia enters)
"(Julia) Hi, I'm home... (spotting the Sheriff) Uh oh!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Miss Hoffman?"
"(Julia) Sheriff. What are you doing here?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Just waiting for you, and having a rather fascinating conversation with Mr. Collins here."
"(Quentin) (babbling) Ah, sweet days of youth! I can almost smell the tantalizing aroma of Mother Brown's candy kitchen burning to the ground!"


"(Quentin) You were with him, weren't you! Keep her away from me! Don't you come near me!"
"(Julia) Sheriff, would you hold him, please, while I give him a sedative."
"(Quentin) No, no!"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Now, wait a minute, Lady. Have you got a license to push that stuff?"
"(Julia) "Push" it!? Sheriff, I'm a doctor. I don't "push" drugs, I prescribe them."
"(Sheriff Lobo) A doctor, are you? Have you got a diploma?"
"(Julia) Oh, you want to see my diploma, do you? Well, yes. Yes, I've got a copy of it right here in my purse. See?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Oh, yes. Let me see... This looks like it was written in crayon."
"(Julia) It's an artistic effect they were shooting for one year. It didn't last long."
"(Sheriff Lobo) What do you know? Would you believe I never knew Hahvard had an "H" in it?"

(Julia whips out a hypo)
"(Quentin) Keep her away from me!"
"(Julia) Quentin, this is a sedative! They're good for you! Like brandy, but faster acting!"
"(Quentin) Brandy?? Okay, gimme the shot!"
(Julia rolls up Quentin's sleeve, and injects him)
"(Quentin) Mmmmmmmmmm! (rolls his eyes orgasmically) Now, that's a good year!"

"(Quentin) It really doesn't matter, you know. Because he always wins."
"(Julia) Who does?"
"(Quentin) Gerard... D'oh! Stop tricking me into saying that name! Will you take me back there?"
"(Julia) Back where?"
"(Quentin) Anywhere far away from here."
"(Julia) That sounds like an excellent idea to me."
"(Quentin) Where should I go?"
"(Julia) I can't tell you with a lady present."

(Quentin lays back and watches the pretty colors)
"(Julia) Mr. Collins has been in a sanitarium for some time."
"(Sheriff Lobo) I'd never have guessed. Which one?"
"(Julia) Um... name a sanitarium near here."
"(Sheriff Lobo) The Daisy Hill Funny Farm?"
"(Julia) The Daisy Hill Funny Farm! That's it!"

"(Quentin) Are you going to take me back there? I'll go get my things!"
"(Julia) Quentin, you've got all your things on your back. Except your jacket, which is on that hook over there."
"(Quentin) I know, but I left a half chewed piece of gum under the table upstairs. I'll be right back."
(Quentin leaves)
"(Sheriff Lobo) What a nut."
"(Julia) Yes, but now that he's lost his mind it doesn't show as much."


"(Julia) You know, Sheriff. I've always meant to ask. But whatever came of the Collinsport Cannery after the family disappeared? Was it sold?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) Oh no, it still exists. According to their front office, the family never disappeared at all, and still lives at Collinwood."
"(Julia) Is the Collinsport Cannery by any chance run by a fellow named Frank Garner?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) How did you know?"
"(Julia) In the old days, the Garners ran the family's propaganda wing."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Propaganda wing?"
"(Julia) Let's put it this way. If Napoleon had had Garner & Garner working for him, the world would never have heard of Waterloo."

"(Sheriff Lobo) Mr. Collins believes that this Gerard person exists."
"(Julia) Maybe he does."
"(Sheriff Lobo) What, a ghost? Are you serious?"
"(Julia) There are more things in heaven and earth than are dreamt of in your philosophy, Horatio."
"(Sheriff Lobo) The name's Elroy. But what if he does exist? I'm a Sheriff, not a Witch Hunter. I wouldn't be able to hold him... in more ways than one."


"(Sheriff Lobo) Why didn't you tell Quentin about Miss Carolyn?"
"(Julia) Because he's a nutcase and I didn't know how well he'd react."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Oh. Well, where's Barnabas Collins now?"
"(Julia) Oh... out and about. I don't know where."
"(Sheriff Lobo) You know, you could help me quite a bit if you wanted to."
"(Julia) Could I?"
(notices Gerard nodding at her through the window)
"(Julia) You're right! I could. After you drop Quentin off at The Daisy Hill Funny Farm, come back here and I'll help you."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Now, wait a minute. I didn't say I'd give him a lift back there. My police car can only be used for official business, you know."
"(Julia) There's a reward out for him."
"(Sheriff Lobo) I'll be back in an hour."


(That evening, Barnabas is nestled all snug in his bed, with visions of Dock Hookers dancing in his head)

(He flips his lid...)

(...and gets a cross in the face...)
"(Barnabas) Aaaaargh!!!!"

(On the other end of the cross is the Sheriff)
"(Sheriff Lobo) I know all about you, Barnabas Collins! You have the right to remain silent! If you give up that right, anything you say may be used in a court of law..."
"(Barnabas) Juliaaaaaaaaa!!!!"
(fade to black)

"(Bob Lloyd) Barnabas Collins was arraigned in Superior Court, on two charges of Vampirism in the First Degree. In one minute, the results of that trial."

"(Carolyn) Easiest day's work ever."
"(Dan Curtis) Quiet, you're dead."


"(Sheriff Lobo) I'm gonna barbecue your ass in molasses!"
"(Barnabas) Are we in a different show all of a sudden!?"

"(Bob Lloyd) World War I Flying Ace: Manfred Von Schorn.


          Episode 1069:   After Barnabas discovers Carolyn dead, he finds her list of events that led up to the destruction of Collinwood. Possessed by Gerard, Julia reveals Barnabas' secret to the sheriff who tries to kill him with silver bullets.