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"He means ME!"
"No, ME baby!"
The Sheriff Learns Barnabas' Secret!
"Whadda you mean I didn't read you your rights? You ain't got no rights, boy."
"I want a law-yer!!!!!!"
Barnabas Makes a Logical Deduction!
"It was you, Julia! You're the one who betrayed my secret!"
"How did you know??"
"You're the only one who knows it!"
Barnabas Slips a "Possess Me" Sign on Julia's Back!
The Gang Takes Time Out For a Little R&R!
"The game is 5-card draw. Is everybody in?"
"I'll bet my blouse."
"It's not that kind of poker, Julia."
Julia Threatens Barnabas!
"Drop those fangs or the Doctor gets it!"
Julia Gets Stopped For a Man on the Street Interview!
"What do I think of the new Trade Bill? Well, I think that if we owe it, we ought to pay it."
Starring Kathy Cody, Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, Don Crabtree, James Storm, Thayer David
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree
"My name is T. Eliot Stokes. Barnabas has escaped from the strange and disturbing world of Parallel Time, only to find himself back in Normal Time *, but in the future. A future where the house is in ruins, and most of the people he knows are dead. Since he started trying to help them, several more have died."
* For the sake of simplicity, not to mention our sanity, we're assuming that this really is Normal Time, and not another band of Parallel Time.
"(Stokes) The Collinwood of 1995 is ruled by an Evil Spirit. A spirit who has enslaved Julia Hoffman and forced her to turn Barnabas Collins in to the Sheriff for the reward. However, the Spirit in turn betrayed Julia when she learned too late that there was no reward."
(At dusk, Barnabas innocently opens his coffin) *
* As innocently as an Undead creature who's about to go out and chomp some necks can, that is.
(...Only to get a cross in the face from a waiting Sheriff Lobo)
"(Sheriff Lobo) I know all about you, Barnabas Collins!!"
"(Barnabas) Pfft! Just say it, don't spray it!"
(One commercial later)
"(Sheriff Lobo) ...Illegal Supernatural Activity! Time Travel without a license! Illegal disposal of bodies! Littering! Drinking blood not approved by the FDA! After I kill you, I'm going to write a ticket that even a Collins will have a hard time paying, buster!"
(as the Sheriff takes aim at Barnabas, the cute little blonde-haired girl appears in the corner)
"(Sheriff Lobo) Who's that? Another one of your little helpers?"
"(Barnabas) Er no, I believe she's a ghost."
"(Sheriff Lobo) Zoinks! A g-g-g-g-ghost????"
(the Sheriff drops his cross and gun and cowers in fear)
"(Barnabas) Ah! Good thing I spoke up."
(the ghost advances in a menacing, yet still cute way, towards the sheriff) *
* Our ghost is suffering from either a slight case of sunburn, or a bit too much makeup. Both are hard to explain.
"(Sheriff Lobo) No, no! Keep away from me! Keep away!!"
(The Sheriff trembles in fear) *
* If you think she's scary now, imagine if she weren't wearing pink to mute the effect!
(As the Sheriff cowers in the corner, Barnabas slips up behind and, with great regret *, strangles him)
* You can't judge by that big grin on Barnabsa' face. Dilbert was really funny today.
(Upstairs, Julia is in tears as Gerard smirks on) *
"(Julia) All right, I betrayed him! Have I done enough for you now?? Or do you want me to clean the Augean stables and bring back the girdle of Hippolyta while I'm at it? Anything else I can do to improve your Quality of Death, your bloody highness?... Wear a bag over my head. Real funny!"
* His smirks are nearly as sinister as his sneers.
"(Julia) Why do you keep looking at me me? Why? Why?? Are you determined that I be here to hear the shot?"
"(Julia) Oh! My slip is showing."
(a shot rings out)
(the basement door opens and Barnabas comes up)
"(Julia) Barnabas?? What's, er... what's happening??"
"(Barnabas) Julia! The Sheriff found me in the basement! He was going to destroy me!"
"(Julia) So you bit him and put him in your power?"
"(Barnabas) D'oh! You know, I'm always forgetting I can do that!"
"(Julia) You mean you killed him!?"
"(Barnabas) Um, a little, yes. Do you know those silver bullets work on the living as well as on the undead?"
"(Julia) But I don't understand! How did you escape?"
"(Barnabas) Carrie appeared at the last minute and distracted him."
"(Julia) What, was he afraid of her?"
"(Barnabas) No, she had on a really short skirt! What do you think??"
"(Julia) You're saying the Sheriff went downstairs and just tried to kill you? Does he have the authority to conduct on-the-spot executions like that, without so much as a trial?"
"(Barnabas) Call it Police Brutality. The important thing is yes, he did. And you know, now I wish I HAD bitten him. Then I'd be able to make him tell me the name of the dirty stoolie who betrayed me!"
(Julia whistles tunelessly)
"(Barnabas) We're going to have to get back to our own time, pronto. The Sheriff didn't just stumble on me. As I say, he had silver bullets in his gun. That means someone told him about me and that more of his men could come here. I really can't figure out who could have fingered me, though. Who's still alive!?"
"(Julia) You really don't know?"
"(Barnabas) You!? YOU betrayed me??"
"(Julia) And I will again. I'll betray you over and over."
"(Barnabas) But why?"
"(Julia) Can't you guess?"
"(Barnabas) This is your revenge for me scaring the bejeebers out of you that time by sending the Ghost of Woodard after you?" *
* Episode 361.
"(Julia) Of course it's not that! It's... it's..."
"(Julia) No, you're right. It is that!"
"(Barnabas) It is not! I know what it is! He did this to you!"
"(Julia) No!... He who?"
"(Barnabas) You know who I mean! Gerard!"
"(Julia) No, no! I don't know any Gerard! I was in Switzerland during the war!"
"(Barnabas) (sternly) Julia..."
"(Julia) All right, he did do it. I cannot tell a lie... At least not when people know the truth already."
"(Barnabas) I don't understand! How did he get to you?"
"(Julia) Well, you remember that night you asked me if I was stupid enough to go to Collinwood alone?"
"(Julia) I was stupid enough. And he was there. And he touched my forehead and I suddenly realized how much I wanted to do his bidding... I thought at the time that it was my own idea. It seems silly now."
"(Barnabas) I don't understand this! You proved completely impervious to the Leviathan Mind Control. * Then this Gerard just touches you on the forehead and you fall into line?"
"(Julia) Gerard's mind control must operate on a different frequency than the Leviathans' did... Either that, or the writers just forgot."
* Episode 916.
"(Barnabas) Look, Julia..."
"(Julia) Don't tell me anything! And don't ask me to go with you anywhere. Just go! Save yourself while you can!"
"(Barnabas) Without you?"
"(Julia) Yes, without me. Don't you know what's at stake?"
"(Julia) Sorry about that."
"(Julia) Look, go back to Angelique's Room. Lock the door, and pray it takes you home before dawn."
"(Barnabas) And if I don't, the Sheriff's men will be here to kill me?"
"(Julia) Not only them."
"(Barnabas) You? You're saying you would come to my coffin and destroy me?"
"(Julia) I wouldn't be a bit surprised. That's why you have to leave me behind."
"(Barnabas) Never. We'll both go back together, or not at all. You've got to fight. You can resist him. Just use every ounce of willpower you have."
"(Julia) Yeah. Good idea, I hadn't thought of that."
"(Julia) And will you do me a favor and not talk about him?"
"(Barnabas) Why are you so afraid of him?"
"(Julia) I'd rather not talk about it. Just go while you can."
"(Barnabas) And leave you to him?"
"(Julia) Yes, leave me to him."
"(Barnabas) Oh, no. It'll be my will against his! If he can brain lock you, so can I!"
"(Julia) Are you going to... bite me?"
"(Barnabas) No, I'm going to mesmerize you."
"(Julia) Oh. (disappointed) Figures."
"(Barnabas) Once we get back to our own time, you won't be in his power any more. Just look deeper into my eyes, Julia."
(they continue exchanging meaningful glances)
"(Barnabas) Look deeper! Deeper. You are in my power now! You will do my bidding. You will act only as I tell you. What do you say to that?"
"(Julia) Long live Gerard!"
"(Julia) I'm only kidding. You didn't say not to kid."
"(Barnabas) Are you in my power now, or aren't you?"
"(Julia) Yes!... And it feels great!"
"(Julia) Barnabas, I'm so sorry! How could I ever have done it?"
"(Barnabas) There, there, you had no choice."
"(Julia) You'll forgive me, then?"
"(Barnabas) After all you've forgiven me for?"
"(Julia) You know, I think this is the first time you've ever forgiven someone who has betrayed you."
"(Barnabas) Well, mostly."
"(Julia) What do you mean "mostly"?"
"(Barnabas) I'll commute your death sentence to community service."
"(Julia) What does that mean?"
"(Barnabas) It means that if we do get back to 1970, you're taking out the trash from now on."
"(Julia) I still feel so bad about this."
"(Barnabas) Now, Julia. You must remember your own mantra: You mustn't blame yourself."
"(Julia) You're right, of course."
"(Barnabas) Does he still have power over you?"
"(Julia) I don't know. But I feel he's out there."
"(Barnabas) Well, of course he's out there."
"(Julia) Yes, obviously he's there, but the point is I can feel it."
"(Barnabas) What does it feel like?"
"(Julia) Well... did you ever have that feeling when you wake up and it's a beautiful day, and you see a newborn baby and you suddenly feel sad because you realize that you won't live to see that baby grow old?"
"(Barnabas) Not really. As a vampire, I figure that I'll probably outlive the baby."
"(Julia) Well, it doesn't matter. That wasn't the right feeling, anyway."
"(Barnabas) Come with me. We must find out all we can and get home before dawn."
"(Julia) Barnabas, maybe I should stay behind. You know, to lie to the Police if they come."
"(Barnabas) Don't give me that. You want to stay here and find him!"
"(Julia) Busted. Can't we just go to Angelique's Room and go home now?"
"(Barnabas) Not yet. We've got to find Stokes first."
"(Julia) Ah. That's right, we've still got one friend we haven't gotten killed off yet."
(Barnabas and Julia leave the Old House)
"(Julia) You know, you weren't quite fair with the Sheriff."
"(Barnabas) What do you mean?"
"(Sheriff Lobo) He waited until you were awake to try to destroy you. The least you could have done is given him a chance."
"(Stokes) You killed the Sheriff??"
"(Barnabas) Erm.. a little, yes."
"(Julia) But he didn't kill the Deputy!"
"(Barnabas) Julia, please!"
"(Stokes) What on earth did Barnabas kill the Sheriff for?"
"(Barnabas) He found my c..."
"(Julia) Er, that is, he went berserk. Tried to kill us both! For no reason!"
"(Stokes) Well, that must have been a traumatic experience for you."
"(Julia) Not really. He was our paperboy back in 1970. We wanted to kill him then, too."
"(Stokes) Everyone's going mad. It's the effect of this place. I'm not surprised at your terrible story. Horrified. Appalled... Vaguely titillated, even. But not surprised. I don't envy you your position, trying to evade both Gerard and the Sheriff's men."
"(Julia) Yeah, we're caught between Iraq and a hard place all right."
"(Barnabas) Don't worry, as soon as we've found out what we need to know, we're heading straight back to 1970. Would you like to come with us?... Oh, sorry. I forgot you're already there."
"(Stokes) If the Police come here, I'll be booked and fingerprinted too, you know."
"(Barnabas) I know that, but we've got to have a threesome for this seance."
"(Stokes) No, no. I'm too old for this kind of work. Too old and too frightened. There, I said it."
"(Barnabas) Professor, please! We need a third."
"(Stokes) This is just an excuse to get me killed off, isn't it? Why don't you have Quentin help you?"
"(Julia) Quentin has already been sent back to the Daisy Hill Funny Farm."
"(Stokes) Hmph! Out of harm's way! You NEVER kill Quentin, do you?"
"(Stokes) If you have any way to get back to your own time, in the name of heaven use it! And leave me alone."
"(Barnabas) Look, Carolyn left us six clues to what caused the disaster. But they're cryptic."
"(Stokes) So is Carolyn. She's dead."
"(Barnabas) Yes, but... (pause) Ah, I get it! Crypt...ic. "Dead"! Very good indeed."
"(Stokes) I'm saying Carolyn can't help you. She's dead."
"(Barnabas) Well, that's what the seance is for, Eliot. We want to summon Carolyn, bring her here, and have her explain what her nutty clues mean."
"(Stokes) You know, that's such a nutty plan, it just might work. And then you'd go back to 1970?"
"(Barnabas) Promise. And when we meet your past self in 1970, we'll be sure to tell him what 1995 is like."
"(Julia) And how it's not a whole heckuva lot different than 1970. Even the technology is somewhat less than I expected."
"(Stokes) What do you mean?"
"(Julia) Well, take you, for example. Are you saying that 25 years in the future, they couldn't have developed a less conspicuous looking hearing aid than the one you've got?"
"(Stokes) Hearing aid, nothing. I'm listening to the Celtics game."
"(Barnabas) So, you'll help?"
"(Stokes) I don't know. Holding a seance at a time and place like this sounds extremely dangerous."
"(Barnabas) I'm feeling lucky."
"(Stokes) You think Gerard will just sit by and let you learn how to destroy him?"
"(Barnabas) Well, who knows what he knows? Maybe he knows we're against him, but doesn't know we're time travellers who could go back in time and stop him. He'd never guess a thing like that, and couldn't have found out... Unless somebody who was in his power mentioned it to him!!"
"(Julia) Er, excuse me, I think I hear my mother calling."
"(Barnabas) Julia, you didn't!"
"(Julia) I refuse to answer on the grounds that it might incinerate me."
"(Barnabas) All right, so it's a risk. But we've got to try, Professor. Carolyn's a ghost too. Maybe Gerard can't stop her from coming."
"(Stokes) You are subject to fits of mindless optimism at the most unusual times, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) Were you any different 25 years ago? Remember the time you thought Leona Eltridge was Danielle Roget, simply because the two names were anagrams of each other?" *
"(Stokes) Well? They were the same, weren't they?"
"(Barnabas) I still say that was just luck! Barnabas Collins is an anagram of "Cannibals Labors", but that doesn't mean I eat the flesh or drink the blood of other human... (changing the subject) Well anyway, you see the point I'm making!"
* Episode 596.
"(Barnabas) Please, Professor! You must help us. Think what it could mean! If we can succeed, David won't die. Carolyn won't die, Quentin won't go mad. The family won't be destroyed, and neither will Collinwood."
"(Barnabas) And if you don't help us, I'm going to punch your lights out."
"(Stokes) Let's get started!"
(Everyone sits down)
"(Barnabas) Now, how do these work? It's been so long since we've held one, that I forget."
"(Julia) We all hold hands, and you entreat the spirits of the dead to come lay some of their wisdom on us."
"(Barnabas) Oh, that's right."
"(Julia) Barnabas. Perhaps I shouldn't take part. After all, I'm in Gerard's power. I might louse things up."
"(Barnabas) We need you, Julia. If Carolyn comes, she'll certainly speak through you."
"(Julia) All right. I'm in."
"(Julia) I'll raise a nickel."
"(Stokes) Oh. Sorry, I forgot myself for a moment."
"(Barnabas) Now, the circle must not be broken. Remember that. Spirits of the dead, hear us. Heed our pleas."
(Barnabas gets sprayed)
"(Barnabas) Was that really necessary?"
"(Julia) You said the circle couldn't be broken!"
"(Barnabas) All right, Julia. Use your handkerchief. Everybody ready again? Very well. Hands back on the table."
"(Barnabas) Now, what's this? Why have we got one hand too many? Professor, did you slip the Hand of Count Petofi in here while I wasn't looking??"
(they start again)
"(Barnabas) Spirits of the Dead, hear my please! Harken to us!"
"(Barnabas) For we need your guidance to save those who are still alive."
"(Julia) They do say that those who can't do, teach."
"(Barnabas) Julia, please!"
(As they chant, Julia gets that orgasmic look and begins moaning)
"(Stokes) Is a spirit... taking control of her??"
"(Barnabas) You wouldn't expect to see Julia in that state for any other reason, would you?"
(Julia begins speaking in a higher voice)
"(Julia) Mmmh! Ooooh! Ahh! Yes! I... hear you."
"(Barnabas) Are you Carolyn? Are you??"
"(Julia) Yes! I am Carolyn."
"(Barnabas) How do we know you're really Carolyn? You could be anyone."
"(Julia) (shrieking) Get out of this house! Get out! Out!!"
"(Barnabas) Okay, I'm convinced!"
"(Julia) Why have you summoned me here from my grave?"
"(Stokes) Don't tell me you were busy!"
"(Barnabas) Professor, please! Carolyn, we need to know about the Six Clues you left."
"(Julia) The Night of the Sun and the Moon. The Picnic. The Unfinished Horoscope. The Night I Sang My Song. The Destruction of Rose Cottage. The Murder."
"(Barnabas) Yes, I know what they are. Now, what do they mean?"
"(Julia) Oh, I see. I thought you meant you couldn't read my handwriting."
"(Barnabas) Of course I can read your handwriting, now what does this gibberish mean??"
(suddenly, the lights go out)
"(Stokes) Doesn't this usually happen before the murder?"
"(Stokes) I think I see an Evil Spirit peeking in at us through the window. Let me just get up and go close the drapes." *
* Things That Seemed Like a Good Idea at the Time Department.
(As Stokes gets up, Gerard makes a "Gig 'em, Aggies" sign at him, then touches the window glass suggestively)
"(Stokes) I feel a sudden pane!"
(Stokes collapses in a nearby chair)
"(Barnabas) Professor! Professor, are you... Uh oh..."
(If Barnabas was about to say "Are you dead?", then the answer is Yes. If the question was anything else, then probably No)
"(Barnabas) Julia, have you got a..."
(Julia runs out the front door, cackling)
"(Julia) Gerard! I'm coming to you! I'm coming!"
"(Barnabas) Oh, never mind. A sedative probably wouldn't help the professor now, anyway."
(Barnabas considers offering pursuit, but once again, a woman has escaped the vampire simply by running away *, leaving Barnabas alone, with a dead body in the chair and another in the basement)
"(Barnabas) All right, so perhaps the seance was a bad idea."
* Roxanne, Mrs. Johnson, and now Julia, all in the space of a handful of episodes.
(In the Playroom, Gerard fingers a knife)
"(Ghost of Gerard) Is this a dagger which I see before me?"
"(Ghost Dog) What do you think it is? A carrot?"
"(Ghost of Gerard) Out! Out, damned Spot!"
(As Julia enters the room, Gerard hands the dagger to her)
"(Julia) You want me to kill you? But you're already dead."
(Gerard mimes a "D'oh")
"(Julia) Oh, ME! You want me to kill myself! Well, that makes a little more sense... What am I saying???"
(Even Gerard can't help being amused, as Julia takes the dagger and prepares to immolate herself)
"(Ghost of Gerard) It's not that, Dilbert was just really good today."
"(Julia) Yes. Yes, I always knew I would have to do this!"
(she points it at herself)
"(Julia) I will be with you at last!"
(Gerard looks less than enthused)
"(Julia) My only real regret is having to spoil this great-looking sofa jacket."
(Gerard rolls his eyes)
(Before Julia can take the plunge, Barnabas rushes in)
"(Barnabas) Drop that knife!"
"(Julia) Yow, my foot!"
"(Barnabas) You will not have her, Gerard!"
(Gerard mouths an "Oh?")
"(Barnabas) Julia, you are coming with me, and that's it!! And I'd like to see you try to stop us!"
(Julia collapses, as Gerard touches her on the forehead)
"(Barnabas) Do you have to take everything so literally??"
(Julia does her first Miniskirt Faint as Barnabas bends down to examine her)
"(Barnabas) Julia! She's dying! You did this to her!"
(Gerard smiles and nods)
"(Barnabas) Come, Julia! I will take you back to Angelique's room. Don't give up on me now!!"
"(Julia) Barnabas! You do care about me after all! I feel as if I could find the will to live!"
"(Barnabas) Well, of course I care about you! You're like a sister to me!"
(As Barnabas and Julia discuss the nature of their relationship, Gerard slips out, locks the door behind him...)
(...holds his nose, and mimes a thumbs-down motion)
"(Barnabas) Come on, Julia. Time to get you out of here."
RATTLE! RATTLE! RATTLE!
"(Barnabas) ...Or not."
"(Julia) Don't tell me he locked the door."
"(Barnabas) Um... he locked the door, Julia."
"(Julia) I asked you not to tell me that!"
(the cute little blonde-haired girl appears on the far side of the room)
"(Barnabas) You! You helped me before! Please, please, please! Help us again!"
"(Julia) Barnabas, she already saved your bacon once this episode, do you really want to embarrass yourself again?"
"(Barnabas) Actually, I was asking for you. As a vampire, I can beam out of here whenever I choose."
(the blonde girl turns and walks towards the wall)
"(Barnabas) Look out!"
"(Julia) Barnabas, she's a ghost. She can walk through walls if she wants."
"(Barnabas) But that wall leads to the outside. Can she hang suspended in mid-air?"
"(Julia) I assume so, yes!"
(the blonde girl takes a crayon out of her pocket, and draws a door on the blank wall...)
(A real door appears in the spot where she drew it. The Warner Brothers Animation Division files suit)
(as the blonde girl disappears, Barnabas runs to the door)
"(Julia) Is it unlocked??"
"(Barnabas) No, but fortunately she drew this key too!"
(Barnabas opens the door to find a staircase behind it)
"(Barnabas) Julia, we can escape!"
"(Julia) How can there be a staircase there?? That wall leads to outside of the house!"
"(Barnabas) It's probably some kind of ghost staircase."
"(Julia) Ghost Staircase??"
"(Barnabas) Or something technical like that. Who knows? It may even lead us out of this time completely!"
"(Julia) Say what?"
"(Barnabas) Oh, you know. Like Sliders without the special effects."
"(Julia) Barnabas, that doesn't make any sense!"
"(Barnabas) And a Parallel Time Room does?"
"(Julia) Good point. Let's go."
(Barnabas and Julia find themselves in a mysterious corridor, which, with special effects would be very mysterious indeed)
(Julia hobbles up the stairs)
"(Barnabas) Come on, just a little farther."
(Julia nearly doubles over)
"(Barnabas) What's wrong??"
"(Julia) I forgot to take the dagger out of my foot!"
"(Barnabas) Julia, look!"
"(Julia) What is it?"
"(Barnabas) A door! We can escape!"
"(Julia) Okay, but if it leads back into the Playroom, I'm going ahead with Gerard's idea to stab myself."
(As Barnabas and Julia emerge from the door, Barnabas helps Julia to a chair)
"(Barnabas) Here, take it easy."
"(Julia) Barnabas, this is the hallway outside! We haven't gone anywhere."
"(Barnabas) At least we're out of the Playroom, aren't we?"
"(Julia) Barnabas, does this place look a lot neater, and less decrepit to you all of a sudden?"
"(Barnabas) Well, Mrs. Johnson is a ghost now. Perhaps she cleaned up."
"(Julia) You really think so?"
"(Barnabas) Why not? Don't they always say that ghosts remain behind on earth to finish some task they never completed in life?"
(the blonde girl appears before them, only now she's alive)
"(Julia) You're looking good all of a sudden."
"(Barnabas) You have saved our lives, and we are eternally grateful! I shall give you anything, even half of my fortune, to try to repay you for what you've done."
"(Blonde Girl) Who are you?? What are you doing here??"
"(Barnabas) Oh, you don't remember? Er, forget I said anything. Just forget it."
"(Barnabas) Now that we seem to be back home, I need to start dumping some of this 1995 money. Julia, have you got change for an $18 bill?"
"(Julia) What do you want? Two $9's, or three $6's?"
Episode 1070: Saved by the ghost of Carrie, Barnabas kills the sheriff and returns to the present with Julia by a stairway through time in Collinwood.
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