What do these two have in common?


Dark Shadows Hosts a Caption Contest!
"Try to come up with a clean caption for this picture..."

Carolyn Meets Sebastian!
"Carolyn, this is my Astrologer."
"Jeb, you're actually seeing my own mother?? How could you???"

Hallie Learns a New Game!
"I don't think I'm going to enjoy poker, David."
"Of course you will. Now, to stay in the game, you have to see my shoe, and either call, or raise me your necklace."

Today on Dark Shadows...

Mystery of the Day!
"Who is Louis MacNeice, and what did he pay for this plug?"

For their First Date, Hallie Overdresses, David Underdresses!

David and Hallie Find a Ghost by the Linen Closet!
"No sheet?"

Episode 1074

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, Joan Bennett, Nancy Barrett, Christopher Pennock, Kate Jackson
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Carolyn Hawkes. Collinwood in 1970. Julia and Barnabas have returned from the future with the knowledge that unless they can prevent it before the present year ends, David will be dead and the great house destroyed. Upon returning with this information, they both disappeared for a couple of episodes, to give the Evil a fighting chance to take hold."


"(Carolyn) Unknown to the adults, David has received a mysterious perfumed note, telling him to come to the gazebo at midnight. He is to come alone and unarmed... and bring the beer."

(David approaches the Gazebo)
"(David) Hallie? Hallie, where are you?"
(no answer)
"(David) Is this some kind of joke?"
(no answer)
"(David) Come on, don't stand me up! I had some great stuff planned!"
(no answer)
"(David) All right, be that way. I'll slap my own face."


(Hallie steps out of the bushes, wearing the orange dress)
"(David) Hallie?"
(she stares at him)
"(David) You're not Hallie! You're the girl of my dreams!"
"(David) Well, not the girl of my dreams, I mean the girl who was in my dream. I don't want to get all mushy about it..."



(Hallie staggers forward)
"(David) Who are you?"
(Hallie gestures him to come to her)
"(David) Hallie, are you under some kind of spell?"
(Hallie tries to lure him forward by showing a little ankle)
"(David) Actually, who cares if she is, as long as she doesn't come out of it!"


(Hallie suddenly looks upset, and begins to panic)
"(David) Ah, thank goodness you're yourself again!"

"(David) Hallie? (Hallie suddenly notices what she's wearing)
"(Hallie) All right, David! You've got some explaining to do!"
"(David) I've got some explaining to do??"
"(Hallie) What am I doing here in this dress??"
"(David) If you don't know, what makes you think I would?"
"(Hallie) Because Dr. Hoffman was looking for her hypno-medallion the other day! If you found it and used it on me..."
"(David) Don't be ridiculous! If I'd hypnotized you, I'd have gotten you OUT of clothes, not into them."
"(David) Geez, and you see why I hardly ever tell the truth around here!"

"(Hallie) You don't know why I'm in this dress?"
"(David) No."
"(Hallie) Or why I'm here?"
"(David) No again."
"(Hallie) All right, then why are you here? You must know that!"
"(David) You wrote a note telling me to come here!"
"(Hallie) I did??"
"(David) Sure, I've still got it here. See?"
"(Hallie) Lemme see that."
"(David) You can deny it all you want, but this still counts as my first date!"
"(Hallie) Where's the corsage?"
"(David) What corsage?"
"(Hallie) It doesn't count as a date!"


"(David) Just look at the note."
"(Hallie) I didn't write that!"
"(David) What kind of game is this? That's your handwriting."
"(Hallie) No, it's not, it's different."
"(David) How is it different?"
"(Hallie) The penmanship is similar, but I dot my eyes with hearts, not with little skulls."
"(David) I just assumed that you'd gotten cooler."


"(Hallie) I'm telling you, I didn't write this note, David!"
"(David) Of course you did. If you didn't, how did you know to come?"
"(Hallie) I don't know. I don't know how I got here."
"(David) Oh Hallie, this is so obvious. You asked me out and then chickened out at the last minute. You're even wearing the dress from my dream, you sly dog! Where did you get one just like it?"
"(Hallie) I just found it lying on my bed. And I don't know how I got into it."
"(David) Neither do I, but I know how you can get out of it!"
"(Hallie) Take another step, and I'll slug you!"
"(David) Playing coy! I love it! You know, I'm kind of new to this dating stuff. I was thinking we could just go down to Lookout Point, and see what all the other couples are doing."

"(Hallie) Look here! Who's playing the joke on who?"
"(David) Whom."
"(Hallie) Whom's playing the joke on who? I don't think that's right."
"(David) Well, look. What's the last thing you remember?"
"(Hallie) I was going to bed when I saw this dress on the bed. I hid it when Maggie came into the room, then put it in my dresser drawer. After that, out went the lights."
"(David) You lost consciousness?"
"(Hallie) No, I mean the lights really went out. It was bedtime, remember?"
"(David) Oh, right."


"(David) What happened next?"
"(Hallie) I don't know! Right after the lights went out in the room, they went out for me too! Next day you and I talked about your dream. You left the room, and the next thing I knew, I was here."
"(David) I'll bet you did. I told you about my dream and you went out and got the same dress I described."
"(Hallie) No, David. It was on my bed before you ever told me about the dream."
"(David) I'm sure."
"(Hallie) Look, all you told me is that it was orange with white trim, right?"
"(David) And puffy sleeves. I mentioned those too."
"(Hallie) Okay, puffy sleeves too. How could I have matched the dress exactly from that simple description you gave me?"
"(David) Who said you matched it "Exactly"?"
"(Hallie) You mean it's not the same?"
"(David) Well, wait a minute. Let me see."
(David stares at Hallie's body)
(and stares...)
(and stares...)
(and stares...)
"(David) Okay, okay! It's the same dress!"

"(David) How could I have dreamed about a real dress that I never saw before? It's crazy, Hallie!"
"(Hallie) No crazier than my coming here in it! I'm scared!"
"(David) No fair, you're always scared! Why can't I be scared for once?"
"(Hallie) What's the big idea dreaming about me in some old fashioned dress, anyway? I thought boys your age dreamed about bikinis and Playboy bunny costumes!"
"(David) Look, I'm sure there's a logical explanation!"
"(Hallie) Like what?"
"(David) How about this? We both saw the dress and forgot it. It was in the bedroom they gave you, and I saw it there before you even came to Collinwood. Mrs. Johnson took it out of one of the drawers, and accidentally left it on your bed where you saw it."
"(Hallie) What about me putting it on without knowing it and coming here in it?"
"(David) Oh, well you're just crazi."
"(Hallie) Let's a have a little LESS logical explanation!"


"(David) When did you realize where you were again?"
"(Hallie) Just now. I was standing on the platform there, you were in front of me, and I was wearing this. And for some reason I wasn't surprised to see you."
"(David) Somebody wanted us both here. I vote we find out Who and Why!"
"(Hallie) I vote we panic and throw up."
"(David) You can't vote to throw up, Hallie!"
"(Hallie) Maybe you can't..."

"(David) Come on, Hallie. Don't you want to find who brought us here?"
"(Hallie) No! I want to never find out and be blissfully, ignorantly safe!"
"(David) But why?"
"(Hallie) Remember this afternoon when we were here? And I said I felt someone watching us? Well, that's who sent the note and dressed me up! It wasn't anyone real!"
"(David) What? You mean a ghost?"
"(Hallie) Probably."
"(David) In that case, you mean it wasn't anyone alive. Ghosts are real."
"(Hallie) Does a distinction like that really matter, David?"
"(David) It matters a lot! If we're being stalked by a ghost, I don't want to get on his bad side!"

"(David) C'mon, this is a mystery, Hallie? We're like... The Hardy Boys!"
"(Hallie) You mean the Dana Girls, don't you?"
"(David) Whatever! I'll be Frank Hardy, you can be Jean Dana."
"(Hallie) I don't want to be Jean! She was the annoying one!"
"(David) No comment!"
"(Hallie) If I'm ever in a mystery, I don't want any ghosts! I want it to be about Old Clocks and Tower Treasures. Even the Guilt of Brass Thieves would be okay, but no ghosts! Ghosts are.... Sniff, sniff. David, do you smell that!?"
"(David) Hey! He who smelt it dealt it!"
"(Hallie) I'm not talking about that! Smell! It's the scent of lilacs."
"(David) It's too late for lilacs. Lilacs blooms I the spring, everybody knows that."
"(Hallie) Um, actually most boys don't."
"(David) Well, where is that smell coming from, then?"
"(Hallie) I'm not hanging around to find out! Don't you understand!? Those must be Ghost Lilacs! Goombye, please!"
(Hallie dashes off as quickly as the length of her dress permits)
"(David) Now I've seen everything. Even Shaggy and Scooby were never scared off by ghost flowers!"


(Back at Collinwood, Carolyn is reading the paper)
"(Carolyn) Mother, my horoscope says that this week is a good time to be given my own car."
"(Liz) What!? Let me see that... Carolyn. If I didn't know better, I'd say that this is the Classified Ad section with your Astrological Sign placed at the top of the ad to make it look like a horoscope."
"(Carolyn) Good thing you know better."

(Out in the Foyer, Hallie sneaks in)
"(Liz) What does your real horoscope say?"
"(Carolyn) Assuming that there is such a thing as a real horoscope, it says to beware of unexpected meetings and to conserve your energy for a more fruitful day."
"(Liz) You sleep until noon as it is, Carolyn! How much more energy can you conserve?"
"(Carolyn) It also says to avoid sudden shocks."
"(Liz) Okay, so sticking your finger in a light socket is out."
"(Carolyn) Good thing they warned me."


"(Liz) Do you really believe in those things, Carolyn?"
"(Carolyn) Oh, I don't know. I don't believe in much of anything these days. Horoscopes have about as much nincompoopery in them as anything else."
"(Liz) That's a very cynical attitude for someone your age to take, Carolyn. Especially one who was born with a silver spoon in her mouth and hasn't had to work a day in her life that she didn't want to."
"(Carolyn) You make it sound as if I could just take a pill to get rid of it, mother."
"(Liz) Well, what's causing it?"
"(Carolyn) Jeb's death has hardened me, mother. I don't know if I'll ever see the world the same way again."
"(Liz) Well, I understand that the death of a loved one is hard on everyone..."
"(Carolyn) Not only that, this is the first problem I've ever had that I couldn't beg, plead or whine my way out of."

(In her room, Hallie stares at herself in the mirror)
"(Hallie) What's happening to me?... This being 1970, I expected to have blackouts on a date, but I thought I'd have to take drugs or something first... oh well, at least I know I'm not a vampire yet. That's something."


(knock, knock, knock)
"(Carolyn) Hallie? What's with the Little Bo Peep outfit?"
"(Hallie) Oh, I, er... found it."
"(Carolyn) Where?"
"(Hallie) In a trunk in the attic."
"(Carolyn) And you got up in the middle of the night to put it on?"
"(Hallie) You mean you haven't gotten up at 1 in the morning and not been able to get back to sleep?"
"(Carolyn) Um, sometimes, but I don't play dressup. I usually go for warm milk."
"(Hallie) Sure, if you want to do it the easy way."


"(Carolyn) Why are you having trouble sleeping? Has David been mean to you?"
"(Hallie) No, I was just thinking about... about the accident, that's it!"
"(Carolyn) Accident?"
"(Hallie) You know, the tragic auto accident in which both my parents were killed, that got me sent to that Foundling Home, then to live with Uncle Eliot, then here, and which still causes me such..."
"(Carolyn) Hallie! Hallie, please. I just asked why you were still up. I didn't want to hear your whole life's story... Besides, after Vicki left, I hoped I might never have to hear the words "Foundling Home" again."

"(Carolyn) Does it work?"
"(Hallie) Does what work?"
"(Carolyn) You know, does playing dressup help you forget your troubles and want to go back to bed?"
"(Hallie) Oh yes, I'm yawning from ear to ear now."
"(Carolyn) It's that phrase "Foundling Home" that does it."
"(Hallie) I think I'm ready to go back to bed now."
"(Carolyn) You know, if this helps you forget your parents, maybe I could forget Jeb the same way. Maybe I should head to the mall tomorrow morning and stock up in case I have insomnia, too."
"(Hallie) Carolyn, I don't think you can shop your way to happiness."
"(Carolyn) You know, when you get older, you're going to be really embarrassed you said that, Hallie."

(After Carolyn leaves, Hallie sits fretting on the bed to herself)
"(Hallie) Why didn't I tell her? Why??"
"(Hallie) Oh, yeah. Because she'd have thought I was a nut, that's why."

(At the Gazebo, David is still thinking to himself)
"(David) So, this is a date... Somehow they're not as fun as I'd always heard."


(Later, Hallie dreams that she's sitting up in bed, and her bedroom door opens by itself)
"(Hallie) Oh geez, do I have to dream about this stuff too???"

(David walks into her bedroom)
"(Hallie) Uh oh! David! Now I'm dreaming about you too!"
"(David) (mockingly) Lots of girls have dreams about me."
"(Hallie) Oh, shut up!"

(Hallie suddenly notices that David is dressed in 19th century clothing)
"(Hallie) What... what's the matter with you, David Collins?? Don't you have anything better to do than steal my ideas??"

(Kate Jackson walks in and gestures to Hallie)
"(Hallie) Oh boy! She's inviting ME to become a Charlie's Angel! This is the best dream ever!"

(Hallie gets the creeps again as she realizes that Kate isn't Sabrina Duncan)
"(Hallie) Who are you??"
(Kate suddenly starts advancing menacingly)
"(Hallie) No, no! Keep away from me! Keep away! I don't know you!... Oh, and besides, you're dead! Sorry, I didn't mean to sound rude about it."

(Meanwhile at the Gazebo)
"(David) This is only my first date, and it's my worst date ever... I wonder if the drugstore will give me a refund on those breath mints?"

(As David looks on in wonder, Kate Jackson appears to him too)
"(David) Oh boy, a Charlie's Angel! I'm a Devil Tot, Miss Jackson! Arrest me! Arrest me!"

"(David) Oh boy! Do you think you can get me Farrah's autograph??"
(Kate fades away)
"(David) Well, that was the wrong thing to say."

(David rushes back home and into Hallie's bedroom)
"(David) Hallie! I was just at the gazebo and saw a ghost woman in a long red dress!"
"(Hallie) Heavens! I'm a trendsetter!"

"(David) What? You saw her too?"
"(Hallie) Well, I dreamed about her."
"(David) Well, the woman I saw was Kate Jackson. I didn't even think she was dead."
"(Hallie) She's not. I think it's not really Kate, it's some new character played by Kate."
"(David) Who?"
"(Hallie) We don't know yet. Do you think she's the one who sent you the note telling you to meet her at the Gazebo?"
"(David) Boy, I HOPE so!"

"(Hallie) Who is she, David? What does she want from us?"
"(David) I don't know who she is."
"(Hallie) Didn't she speak?"
"(David) No, she just vanished into the either."
"(Hallie) Either what?"
"(David) Either nothing, just the ether! What happened in your dream?"
"(Hallie) She just walked into my bedroom."
"(David) Boy, why couldn't I have had that dream???"

(Liz enters)
"(Liz) David Collins! What are you doing up at this hour?? What are you doing in here? In a young girl's bedroom??? With the young girl in bed???"
"(David) We were... plotting something, Aunt Elizabeth."
"(Liz) I'll BET you were! What was it?"
"(David) Um... to put Nair in Carolyn's shampoo tomorrow."
"(Liz) Whew! What a relief."

(David leaves)
"(Liz) I'm sorry he disturbed you, Hallie."
"(Hallie) It's all right, Mrs. Stoddard. He didn't do anything."
"(Liz) Well, he was thinking about it. I'll get you a chastity belt tomorrow."


(Next day in the Drawing Room)
"(Liz) How many lumps do you want, Carolyn?"
"(Carolyn) Let's not play that Bugs Bunny game again, mother. Last time my hat wouldn't fit for 3 days."

"(Carolyn) You don't think what I was telling you was odd, mother?"
"(Liz) What? That Hallie decided to play late night dressup?"
"(Carolyn) Well, Barnabas said that whatever happened here had something to do with David and Hallie."
"(Liz) Well, I don't see that Hallie getting into an old fashioned dress is what Barnabas was talking about... If you catch David in a dress, then you can worry."

(knock, knock, knock)
"(Carolyn) Are you expecting anyone?"
"(Liz) No."
"(Carolyn) I'll get it then."
(As Carolyn leaves, Liz checks out her Louis MacNeice Astrology book)
"(Liz) The stars are pointing towards Uranus... The heck???"


(Carolyn opens the front door and gets the shock of her life!)
"(Carolyn) GASP! Why, you look exactly like my dead husband!!"
"(Sebastian) That is the WORST pickup line I've ever heard in my life!"

"(Carolyn) You're... You're not Jeb?"
"(Sebastian) You're quite right. I'm not Jeb."
"(Liz) Oh, Mr. Shaw."
"(Carolyn) Mr. Shaw? Excuse me, I've got to go be violently ill!"
(Carolyn runs upstairs)
"(Sebastian) Is she all right?"
"(Liz) Oh, she's fine. She acts like this every time someone shows up at the front door with the face of a dead character."


"(Liz) You shouldn't have come here."
"(Sebastian) I certainly didn't know I'd have this kind of effect on people."
"(Liz) You resemble my daughter's husband. Not only that, you sound just like him too."
"(Sebastian) Oh. I'm terribly sorry."
"(Liz) Oh, that's all right, you had no way of knowing... (even though you are supposed to be a Psychic. Hmm...)


(Liz leads Sebastian into the Drawing Room and closes the door)
"(Sebastian) I have it right here, Mrs. Stoddard."
(Sebastian pulls a manila folder out of his purse)
"(Sebastian) Your Horoscope, Mrs. Stoddard. From this day until December 31, 1970."
"(Liz) Is it complete?"
"(Sebastian) A full day-by-day analysis of what the stores have in star for you... er the stores have in store, I mean. No, the stars have in star..."
"(Liz) What the stars have in store?"
"(Sebastian) That's it, right! Sorry, Astrology is easy, Diction is hard."

"(Liz) Can you tell me what it says?"
"(Sebastian) Oh no, no, no. If I do that, that would take all day. It's on paper to be read."
"(Liz) All right, well what I really want to know is if the horoscope says anything about me living through a disaster... or worse yet, NOT living through a disaster before the year is out."
"(Sebastian) Oh no, no. No, let me put your mind at ease there. Everything looks quite rosy for the rest of the year... Erm... we did say cash in advance, didn't we?"


(Liz starts reading)
"(Sebastian) It was a very, very interesting chart to draw up, Mrs. Stoddard."
"(Liz) October 12. Walk around today with your arms stretched out in front of you like a mummy."
"(Sebastian) Your sign is Pisces. Which is very fortunate. Neptune in Pisces."
"(Liz) What about Uranus?"
"(Sebastian) I beg your pardon, that's a rather personal question, isn't it?"

"(Sebastian) You see, Neptune is the ruling planet of Pisces. And that's very good for you. You seem to have a propensity for the occult."
"(Liz) We've sort of noticed that around here the last few years."
"(Sebastian) But you should beware. Under certain circumstances, Neptune may interfere with your psychic powers."
"(Liz) Psychic Powers? I don't have any psychic powers."
"(Sebastian) Oh, we all do, Mrs. Stoddard. Intuition is a form of psychic power, and we all have that."
"(Liz) I knew you were going to say that."
"(Sebastian) Ha, ha, very cute."

"(Liz) So, what do I do if I feel Neptune interfering with my powers?"
"(Sebastian) Try standing in a different place and see if you get better reception that way."
"(Liz) I see."
"(Sebastian) Well, you read it over. And then call me about any specific parts you'd like to discuss."
"(Liz) November 28. Be wary of meeting new people today. They may be Russian Spies or poison ivy patients."

"(Sebastian) Oh, and one more thing. The stars are infallible, but I'm not. If you find on any given day that the horoscope doesn't match your experiences, bring it back to me, and I'm sure I can spot the error and correct it for the rest of the year (For only a few measly dollars more)."
(Liz goes for her checkbook)
"(Liz) Yes, yes. I do wish you'd fix a price."
"(Sebastian) Mrs. Stoddard. Please don't make a shopkeeper out of me."
"(Liz) Well, you sort of are. You're providing a service for me that I've contracted you for. You sort of are a storekeeper."
"(Sebastian) Yes, but I don't want to feel that way."
"(Liz) Gotcha."

(Liz starts writing)
"(Liz) You're a very strange young man."
(Liz writes a zero)
"(Sebastian) You may have come to me on a whim, Mrs. Stoddard. But I assure you that charting the future is no whim for me."
(Liz writes a zero)
"(Sebastian) Don't JUST put zeroes there. They need some non-zeroes to keep them company."
"(Liz) You know, the thought occurs. I don't need to write you a check at all. You can just read my mind and get my credit card number."
"(Sebastian) Ha, ha, very good, Mrs. Stoddard... Now, ante up!"

"(Sebastian) It's been lovely being of service to you, Mrs. Stoddard, and I hope to serve you again."
(Liz hands over a check, which Sebastian examines and folds)
"(Sebastian) Most generous. Thanks for the bread, Mrs. Stoddard?"
"(Liz) Bread? If you're hungry, I can have Mrs. Johnson make you a sandwich to take with you."
"(Sebastian) No, no, that's fine. (to himself) One day these squares will bow down before me!"


(In Hallie's Room, Hallie and David are going through old letters)
"(Hallie) I never knew being a Girl Detective would be so boring. I wouldn't even mind being Jean Dana if the case was more interesting."
"(David) Hey, look at this one! I found it in a trunk in the attic, and it has the same handwriting that was on the note I got. You know, the one I thought was from you."
"(Hallie) What's the date on it?"
"(David) 1840."
"(Hallie) How could someone writing 130 years ago have writing so much like mine?"
"(David) Well, I read once that there are only 12 kinds of handwriting in the world, and..."
"(Hallie) Oh, shut up!"

"(David) Hallie, look at this one!"
"(Hallie) The handwriting looks like yours."
"(David) Mine hasn't got all those curley cues and things on it. And look at how all the s's look like f's."
"(Hallie) Fhe fellf feafhellf by the feafhore."


"(Hallie) It says "Come to the Playroom tonight if you value your life." And it's signed Daphne."
"(David) Daphne! That must be Kate Jackson's character! But we don't have any Playroom."
"(Hallie) It says Abner Collins guards the Playroom. Who's Abner Collins?"
"(David) Some dead relative."
"(Hallie) Is there a portrait of him anywhere?"
"(David) Yeah, I think there is in one of the back halls. Wait a minute! A portrait! That's it!"
"(Hallie) Let's go!"
"(David) To the Tot Poles!"


(In the West Wing hallway)
"(David) I think it's around here somewhere. Ah, there it is."
"(Hallie) (reading) Abner Collins, Born 1867, died 1714."
"(David) He was a time traveller."
"(Hallie) I figured."

"(David) And now I present what has not been seen in 130 years."
(opens the door)
"(Hallie) A linen closet?"
"(David) There's supposed to be a playroom here. That's got to be what the letter meant! We've got to find out what's going on here."
"(Hallie) Well, we've certainly come to the right place."
"(David) We have?"
"(Hallie) Yeah, I'm sure it'll all come out in the wash."

"(David) Wait a minute. Do you hear that sound behind the wall?"
"(Hallie) What is it?"
"(David) Either some kind of carousel theme or the ocean's roar."
"(Hallie) David Collins, if you wrote that note yourself just to get me off alone in the West Wing, you remember what I told you before, don't you?"
"(David) Yeah, yeah, I know. Not if I was the last Danny Bonaduce look-alike in the world, and you were the only girl."

(David and Hallie come out of the closet and find Daphne waiting for them)
"(Hallie) David, it's the ghost!"
"(David) Quiet. Let me handle this. Ahem, greetings. I am David Collins, Devil Tot Master, and this is my young apprentice, Darth Bawl."
"(Hallie) Waaaaaah!!"
(runs off)
"(David) You see what I mean?"

(Daphne gestures for David to come to her ghostly embrace)
"(David) Oh no, I can see right through you!"
(rushes off too)


(Meanwhile, somewhere in Time and Space, the Playroom Carousel is still spinning)
"(Dan Curtis I hope we find it soon because this is turning into the World's Worst Cliffhanger."

"(Joan) If I'm the star, how come I have the least important role in the story?"


"(Stokes) Do you think you could do my Horoscope, Mr. Shaw? I was born under the sign of Aquarius, the Water Bearer."
"(Sebastian) Well, you've certainly got the tank for it."


"(Bob Lloyd) She gets a credit for a 10 second appearance?"
"(Dan Curtis) It's the first time a Charlie's Angel ever suffered from under-exposure."


          Episode 1074:   David discovers Hallie wearing 19th century clothing.