Hallie Continues Her Training!
"(Hallie, reading) 1) Leave skunk on doorstep. 2) Ring doorbell. 3) Hide in the bushes."
"(David) Hallie, you may be only a trainee, but real Devil Tots don't need crib notes."


The Collinsport Players Do Gone With the Wind!
"As God is my witness, I'll never go hungry again!"


David and Hallie Have a Staring Contest!
"The key to winning these things is the Right Selection of Props."

Today on Dark Shadows...


The Commercials Get Interesting!
"David or Hallie? Hallie or David? The agony of choice..."


The Collinsport Players Do Monty Python's Flying Circus!
"He seeks them here, he seeks them there, he seeks those lupins everywhere!"


Julia Suffers a Neck Injury!


Episode 1076

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, Kate Jackson, David Selby, Grayson Hall
Original Script By Joe Caldwell
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


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"My name is Quentin Collins. Yesterday on The Science Channel Dark Shadows, Quentin and Julia studied an eclipse of the moon."


"Also yesterday on Dark Shadows, Julia Hoffman got a nose ring..."


(In the West Wing)
"(David) This must be the right place. We shouldn't have fun away before. Read the note again."
"(Hallie) It's hard to see it. There's no light coming through the window."
"(David) That means the eclipse is full. Or is it empty? It doesn't matter. I hear the music. That means the room is in there."
"(Hallie) David, that room is a closet full of extra sheets. There's not room for a whole room in there."
"(David) There's not only room for a room, there's room for a whole city."
"(Hallie) What are you talking about? What city?"
"(David) Linengrad."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


"(David) Come on, what does the note say."
"(Hallie) When the music stops, the play begins."
"(David) What does that mean?"
"(Hallie) How should I know what it means? You said read the note, I read it!"
"(David) We've got to have another look in there."
"(Hallie) David, I'm getting frightened again! I can't help it!"
"(David) Of what?? Nothing's happened yet!"
"(Hallie) Why wait..."
"(David) ...Til the last minute, I know."


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(as the music stops, the door to the Linen Closet opens with a creak, revealing a full sized room inside)
"(David) Hallie look! It's the room!"
"(Hallie) Cool! Where did it come from? How did it get here?"
"(David) Maybe it's a ghost room."
"(Hallie) (mood swing) David, I'm scared!!"
"(David) I said MAYBE!"


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"(David) Look at this place! It looks like something out of the 19th century. Old wooden toys. Tin soldiers. wind-up carousel. The American Pickers would have a field day with this place!"
"(Hallie) David, I'm scared!"
"(David) The note said the Playroom would be here, and here it is!"
"(Hallie) I want my mommy!!!"
"(David) Hallie, your mommy is a ghost, too!"
"(Hallie) Thanks a LOT, David!!"


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"(Hallie) David, we looked here before! The door led to a closet! How can there be a room here now?"
"(David) I don't know, but it is. Look, this carousel is where the music was coming from."
(Hallie is transfixed by the sight of the carousel)
"(Hallie) (x1000 calmer) Yes! Yes, you're right."
"(David) That Parallel Time Room comes and goes, but somehow I don't think we're in Parallel Time. I really do think it's the ghost of a room that was once here."
"(Hallie) Hee, hee. Rooms don't have ghosts, silly."
"(David) Maybe it's not really a Playroom, maybe it's some kind of Dayscare Center."
(pause)
"(David) Don't you get it?"
"(Hallie) Fortunately, no."


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"(David) Aren't you afraid?"
"(Hallie) (gushy) No. Why should I be afraid? We wanted to find the room, and here it is."
"(David) A minute ago you were terrified because it MIGHT be a Ghost Room!"
"(Hallie) (gushy) What? Me Worry? About being in here? This is the happiest place on earth!"
"(David) Hallie, it's not terrifying, but it ain't Disneyland, either."
"(Hallie) Look, there's Dapple, and Charger. And Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde! It's our old carousel! And look, there's all our other toys! Is it not grand?"
"(David) Never mind the other toys, I want to know what happened to your marbles"!


"(David) Who are Blinky, Pinky, Inky and Clyde??"
"(Hallie) The horses, silly. Running a race that no one will ever win."
"(David) And I suppose you knew them when you were a kid."
"(Hallie) Kid? What an odd term to use. I was never a goat."
"(David) That's a matter of opinion!"


"(David) I wonder whose room this was."
"(Hallie) For the moment, certainly, it is ours."
"(David) For the moment, yeah. But do we want somebody to risk three bears coming here in a minute and saying "Who's been playing with my toys?"?"
"(Hallie) The Three Bears! How I love that story."
"(David) I knew you'd say that. Well, if we do start living it, remember. You're Goldilocks, not me."
"(Hallie) You speak very strangely, sir."
"(David) Hallie, cut it out!"
"(Hallie) Gladly. (grabs a pair of scissors)"
"(David) D'oh!"


"(David) Come on, all this junk must have belonged to somebody at some time or other."
"(Hallie) Junk? I don't understand. There is not a Chinese sailing vessel to be seen!"
"(David) You are really getting on my nerves! Would you stop acting like The World's #1 Weirdo??"
"(Hallie) Weirdo? What does that mean?"
"(David) You know perfectly well what it means!"
"(Hallie) The word "weird" is not unfamiliar to me. But the addition of the letter "O" makes it completely incomprehensible."
"(David) The "O" means that the word applies to the person being addressed! Hence the term weirdO means "a person who is weird"."
SLAP!
"(David) Me and my big mouth."


"(David) I don't know what kind of game you're trying to play, Hallie. But it's not very funny. (David puts on a tricorn hat)
"(David) Now, THIS is funny."
"(Hallie) Hallie? Why did you call me Hallie? My name isn't Hallie!"
"(David) What is it then?"
"(Hallie) I... I don't remember."
"(David) Then how do you know it isn't Hallie?"
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


"(Hallie) I don't know what my name is, but I'm pretty sure it's not Hallie."
"(David) Your name is going to be Mud if you don't stop acting like a kook!"
"(Hallie) And I do not understand these words you keep saying to me, Tad. Kook. Kid. Junk. Weirdo. And what was that one you suggested to me last night?"
"(David) Um, I... don't remember."
"(Hallie) Making Out. That was it."
"(David) D'oh!"


"(David) If you're going to be a Nutburger, kindly don't do it over the noise of this thing."
(As David switches off the carousel, Hallie returns to normal)
"(Hallie) Where am I? What's happening to me?"
"(David) Now what?"
"(Hallie) This room! We shouldn't be here!"
"(David) That's so weird. It's like your mind was controlled as long as that carousel was on."
"(Hallie) What? What are you saying?"
"(David) Um, nothing! Nothing! (makes a mental note to make use of this information later)"


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"(David) A minute ago this room was better than Disneyland!"
"(Hallie) Well, now it's worse than going on holiday at your Aunt's house!"
"(David) I'm having trouble keeping track of the changes around here. A minute ago you even said your name wasn't Hallie!"
"(Hallie) Don't be ridiculous! I know that as well as I know my own name!"


"(Hallie) Sniff, sniff! Lilacs! Do you smell them?"
"(David) It must be the Ghost Lady! She's here. But where?"
"(Hallie) I don't know, and I don't want to find out!"
"(David) We can't quit now! We've got to make her appear! We've got to figure out what steps to take next."
"(Hallie) I don't know about you, but I know exactly what steps to take!"
"(David) What are they?"
"(Hallie) Very long ones! (dashes out)
"(David) D'oh!"


"(David) Hallie! Wait, Hallie!"
(As David leaves too, Daphne appears and flips the carousel back on)
"(Daphne) (to herself) Next time I need to find a Mind Control Device that doesn't have an On/Off switch."


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(Next morning, Quentin bounces downstairs)
"(Quentin) I can't believe it! It's morning and we're all alive!... Er... wait a minute. Maybe I shouldn't assume anything... Oh well, I'M alive, that's the big thing."


(Quentin bounces in to the Drawing Room and finds Julia asleep on the couch)
"(Quentin) Julia! Julia, wake up! It's morning and nothing happened."
"(Julia) Zzz.... Story of my life. Stop hogging the blankets..."


"(Quentin) No, you don't get it. The ECLIPSE is over ,and nothing terrible happened."
"(Julia) (Blearily) Are you sure it's over?"
"(Quentin) Of course. It's morning, isn't it?"
"(Julia) (blearily) I'm going to have to take your word on that."


"(Quentin) Believe me, it's morning. The Eclipse has passed and nothing bad happened last night."
"(Julia) That's terrible!"
"(Quentin) Come again?"
"(Julia) Don't you see? If nothing bad happened, that's bad! Because it means we missed a chance to stop whatever was bad from happening!"
"(Quentin) why is it that every time I don't drink in the morning around here, I end up wishing I had?"


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"(Julia) I'd better go check on the Devil Tots."
"(Quentin) No need. I just had a look. They're both fine."
"(Julia) Thank goodness!"
"(Quentin) No. "Thank Quentin"."
"(Julia) Oh, very well. Thanks, Quentin. For saving me the trouble of having to walk upstairs, open two doors, and possibly skin my knuckle on one of them."
"(Quentin) Yeah, next time just thank me. Don't waste time describing exactly what you're thanking me for."


"(Quentin) You know, last night was one of the most peaceful nights I've ever seen at Collinwood. I hope you can see how wrong you were."
"(Julia) Well, don't relax just yet. Maybe something happened that we don't know about."
"(Quentin) Yeah, or maybe Carolyn's warning about The Night of the Sun and the Moon meant nothing at all."
"(Julia) Quentin, she wrote that to tell us just before she died! Of course it was important. What do you think she was doing? Dashing out a verse in Iambic Pentameter?"
"(Quentin) You said she was crazi. Maybe she was just rambling nonsense."
"(Julia) Quentin, when crazi people ramble, they just babble verbally. They don't bother to write the ravings down."
"(Quentin) What a bout Mein Kampf?"
"(Julia) Oh... I guess that counts."
"(Quentin) And The Satanic Bible"
"(Julia) Definitely that."
"(Quentin) And the script for this episode."
"(Julia) Now, cut that out!!"


"(Quentin) The point is that Carolyn as barking mad. You said so yourself."
"(Julia) Right."
"(Quentin) So, isn't it possible that all this talk about disaster and ghosts and the house being destroyed were products of her own fevered imagination?"
"(Julia) No, you're forgetting. Barnabas and I saw the house destroyed too. So the only way it could all be imagination is if Barnabas and I are crazi, too."
"(Quentin) That's a trade I'd be willing to make."
"(Julia) Quentin!"
"(Quentin) I'd hope you could be cured! Of course!"


(In her room, Hallie has another look at the Ghost Dress)
"(Hallie) It's going to drive me crazi wondering how a Ghost Dress could have a ketchup stain on it."


(Hallie puts the dress away as David toddles in)
"(David) Hey, are you all right? Why did you run away like that last night?"
"(Hallie) I don't know, and it frightens me!"
"(David) What doesn't?"
"(Hallie) I'm serious! I don't want to do this bizarre stuff any more!"
"(David) What bizarre stuff?"
"(Hallie) You know, seeing ghosts, and playing dress up, and finding hidden rooms."
"(David) Didn't you do that kind of thing where you used to live?"
"(Hallie) I certainly did not!"
"(David) Wow, that's bizarre!"


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"(David) If you'd kept your nerve, the ghost would have appeared to us." "(Hallie) well then, thank goodness I didn't keep my nerve!"
"(David) That room really shook you up that bad?"
"(Hallie) It was so strange. So weird!"
"(David) Weird as in weirdo?"
"(Hallie) What are you talking about?"
"(David) You know, how I called you a weirdo last night."
SLAP!
"(David) When will I learn??"


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"(David) Now you slap me! Last night you pretended you didn't know what the word meant!"
"(Hallie) What are you talking about?"
"(David) You even forgot your own name."
"(Hallie) How could I forget my own name??"
"(David) Even more important, how could you forget forgetting your own name."
"(Hallie) I don't know, but that settles it! We're not playing this game any more!"
"(David) Okay, if you don't want to play that game, how about playing Doctor?"
SLAP!
"(David) The way we're going, we can play Championship Boxing!"


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"(Hallie) You mean that I really acted like that? I really said those things?"
"(David) You really don't know? What do you remember?"
"(Hallie) Let's see. I remember going into the room. I remember being afraid."
"(David) You could have guessed that."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


"(Hallie) Then I smelled lilacs and that's it. I don't remember anything else until the morning. Well, that settles it! This game is over!"
"(David) Now, Hallie! There's no need to freak out here. I mean, what's really happened? You went to a playroom, wore a bunch of strange clothes, acted really spaced out, and didn't remember any of it the next morning. Except for the fact that you didn't drink or inject anything, that's actually pretty normal teenage stuff."


"(David) Where are you going with the dress?"
"(Hallie) To take it back to the attic. Into a trunk where it belongs!"
"(David) Don't do that! "(Hallie) A dress I put on without knowing! Music that comes from a wall! A ghost of a woman from another time. A playroom that materializes out of nowhere. I don't know what it means, and I have no intention of finding out. There's nothing you can say that will stop me!"
"(David) Okay, as long as you don't mind going alone."
"(Hallie) Why?"
"(David) Wait until you find out what's in the attic."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


(Downstairs, Quentin is trying to break his own World's Record)


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(Julia enters)
"(Julia) Trying to combat the night's fatigue?"
"(Quentin) Nope, just trying to save others from temptation."
"(Julia) How's it going?"
"(Quentin) Fine. (Hic!) That's one bottle of brandy that you two won't be tempted by."


"(Julia) You seem a little blue, Quentin?"
"(Quentin) Me?? You're looking bluer than me. Literally!"
"(Julia) You know what I mean. Sad. Moody."
"(Quentin) Oh well, my life has been pretty drab lately. In 1897 the whole story revolved around me. What have I done since I got here? Sat on my hands while you two destroyed the Leviathans, and had fun in Parallel Time."
"(Julia) Well, that's not all. You also screwed up saving Amanda Harris from Purgatory."
"(Quentin) Thanks for reminding me!"


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"(Quentin) The point is I'm bored. And now, with Jenny, Beth, and Amanda all dead, I don't have a woman, and it's Friday night."
"(Julia) Ahem, well, perhaps I could be of help. (bats eyelashes)"
"(Quentin) Good idea. You could put an ad in the paper for me."
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Quentin) Are you going to town?"
"(Julia) Yes, can I get you something?"
"(Quentin) A woman!"
"(Julia) Well, there is a new computer dating service that opened up where the Todd's antique shop used to be."
"(Quentin) I want to go out with a woman, not a computer. Sniff, Sniff. But may I say that's a lovely perfume you're wearing? What is it?"
"(Julia) I'm a doctor. That's formaldehyde."


"(Quentin) No, that's not formaldehyde I'm smelling. It's a flowery aroma."
"(Julia) I don't smell anything like that. Could you describe it? What kind of flower are you smelling?"
"(Quentin) Julia, I'm a guy. What do I know from varieties? Flowers are flowers. What are you going into town for?"
"(Julia) Oh, just to try to dig up information on Gerard Stiles."
"(Quentin) Couldn't you dig up more at the cemetery? Yuck, yuck?"
"(Julia) Quentin, I need to dig up information, not Gerard himself!"


(Later that day, Quentin and Julia bump into each other at Eagle Hill Cemetery)
"(Julia) Quentin!"
"(Quentin) Julia! What are you doing here? Visiting old patients?"
"(Julia) D'oh!"


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"(Julia) I was just taking a shortcut home. What are you doing here?"
"(Quentin) Oh, I come here to think a lot."
"(Julia) Oh, is this where you do your thinking? No wonder we never caught you."
"(Quentin) Did you dig up any information in town?"
"(Julia) No, I'm afraid not."
"(Quentin) Maybe you could dig up some here if you hire a Private Eye."
"(Julia) Private Eye?"
"(Quentin) How about Sam Spade?"
"(Julia) Quentin, if there's an unused grave around here somewhere, you're going into it."


"(Julia) I couldn't find any record of Gerard Stiles in town."
"(Quentin) Yeah, you mentioned him before. Anybody I know?"
"(Julia) Well, there's his grave right there."
"(Quentin) Yeah, but who is he?"
"(Julia) Oh, he's the ghost that's going to destroy Collinwood, kill the family, and drive you insane."
"(Quentin) I see. Well, shall we?"
"(Julia) I'm with you."
"(Both) Hock-PTUIE!"


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"(Julia) And this is the grave of Daphne Harridge."
"(Quentin) Who's she?"
"(Julia) Don't you know?"
"(Quentin) Why should I?"
"(Julia) Because in 1995 you seemed to be involved with her in some way."
"(Quentin) Perk? Involved? What was she like? Cute figure?"
"(Julia) Well, it's hard to be sure."
"(Quentin) What do you mean hard to be sure? Didn't you see her?"
"(Julia) Well, yes, but she was wearing 19th century clothing... There was probably a girl under there somewhere. But where?"


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"(Quentin) What about her face? Did you see that, or did she wear a veil?"
"(Julia) Oh, I saw it. She was... cute, brainy looking, brunette. Oh, and she was played by a Charlie's Angel."
"(Quentin) Charlie's Angel?? Not Roger Davis' wife?"
"(Julia) No, no, the other brunette one. The one from Scarecrow and Mrs. King."
"(Quentin) Wow! Daphne Harridge looks like that!"
"(Julia) Another odd thing about her. She always wore lilac perfume."
"(Quentin) (to himself) Lilacs! So, that's what I smelled earlier! (out loud) And did you say she was single?"
"(Julia) Well yes, but it hardly matters now, Quentin. She's dead!"
"(Quentin) Yeah, yeah, you're right. Doesn't matter. (the wheels start turning)


"(Julia) Quentin, do you know something you're not telling me?"
"(Quentin) Have I ever?"
"(Julia) No. But this would be a heck of a time to start."
"(Quentin) Don't be silly. Come on, let's go back to Collinwood. I'm dying to get out of this place."
"(Julia) That's a switch."


(At Collinwood, David and Hallie come downstairs) *
"(Hallie) And I say we should forget this Turn of the Screw ripoff and try to get involved in an original storyline."
"(David) And I still say this Turn of the Screw ripoff equals big ratings! Trust me, Amy and I went through it once before, and it worked!"
* This camera angle not 100% compliant with FCC regulations.


"(Hallie) That dress is up in the attic, and that's where it's going to stay, David"
"(David) I still think it's a mistake putting it away."
"(Hallie) Okay, you want it so bad, you wear it, then."
"(David) Hmmm..."
"(Hallie) Eeew!! You're not supposed to consider it! What's wrong with you?"


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(Hallie smells lilacs)
"(Hallie) Sniff, sniff. Do you smell anything?"
"(David) He who smelt it dealt it!"
"(Hallie) I don't mean that! I mean do you smell lilacs? And hear that Playroom theme again?"
"(David) No."
"(Hallie) Er, what a coincidence. Neither do I! Heh, heh. Er, why don't you run along, David. I'll meet up with you later."
"(David) Is everything all right?"
"(Hallie) Of course, why do you ask?"
"(David) I dunno, but something's wrong. All of a sudden you only seem HALF scared to death."


(Outside the Playroom, Hallie approaches)
"(Hallie) What did I come here for?... All alone? Gulp... Well, here goes."
(Hallie reaches into her skirt pocket for an object and enters the Playroom with it held high)
"(Bob Lloyd) What's she got? A cross?"
"(Dan Curtis) No, her contract."


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(Inside the Playroom, Hallie is stopped short by the sight of a ghost waiting for her)
"(Hallie) Christmas Past, I presume?"


(Daphne stares at Hallie)
"(Hallie) Oh no!"
(Daphne glares at Hallie)
"(Hallie) No, please! Please don't! Don't make me! I'll do anything you say if only... Actually, what do you want from me, anyway?"


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(Daphne holds out the dress to Hallie)
"(Hallie) Where did you get that? Why are you here?? Why am I here?? (overcome by a burst of nerdiness) How can a ghost even hold that without it falling through her fingers?"


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(Daphne gestures for Hallie to put on the dress)
"(Hallie) No please, I don't want it!"
(Daphne stares)
"(Hallie) No really, I don't want it! It's creepy! It's scary! It's unnatural!.... And it's not even my color!"


(Downstairs, Quentin is... Oh, you know)
"(Quentin) Man, whoever thought that Quentin Collins would be this hot and bothered over a woman he's never seen?... Or met?... And who isn't even alive?"
(pause)
"(Quentin) Anybody who knows me, that's who!"


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(Quentin suddenly starts to pass out into a chair)
"(Quentin) Uh oh..."
(checks the label on that bottle of aspirin he just took)
"(Quentin) Not to be taken with alcohol?? How do they expect someone like me EVER to use it then??"


(Quentin passes out and has a lilac-y dream) *
* And considering that this is the first time we've ever seen one of Quentin's dreams before, I don't mind admitting that so far I'm disappointed.


(Quentin dreams that he's in the Drawing Room when the doors fling open to reveal a woman dressed in red velvet and army boots) *
* I'm starting to wonder if that was really aspirin he just took.


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(Daphne strides forcefully into the room, and, army boots or no, there's no denying she's a hottie)
"(Quentin) You know, all these years I've said that I'd go for anything as long as she was a woman and she was alive. I can see I'm going to have to modify that definition a bit."


"(Quentin) At last we meet! I smelled your perfume earlier. Julia didn't smell it, but I did. I just LOVE the smell of lilacs!"
(Daphne produces a bouquet of lilacs and deposits it on the table)
"(Quentin) No, no, you don't get it. When I say I love the lilacs, that's Dating Code for I'm incredibly hot for YOU, and want to get your bod into my bed... or, would if you had one."


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(Quentin wakes up and looks around the room eagerly)
"(Quentin) Daphne!? Daphne, are you here?"
(looks around)
"(Quentin) No, of course not. It was just a dream."
(Quentin finds a bouquet of lilacs on the table and picks it up joyfully)
"(Quentin) Daphne! It was real! You were here! Please appear to me! Please??"
(Quentin begs, whines and pleads for Daphne to appear, even though, strictly speaking, he doesn't even know that the ghost in his dream WAS Daphne)
"(Quentin) Hey, what's in a name??"


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(As time expires, Quentin makes a complete fool of himself by continuing to beg)?
"(Quentin) Aww, come on, aren't you going to appear to me? I caught the bouquet!"


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"(Quentin) Hey, I just got a letter from Chris Jennings. He's not suffering from the Werewolf Curse any more."
"(Julia) Really? What happened?"
"(Quentin) He figured out that all he has to do is stand in a pentagram during the full moon. It prevents the change from occurring."
"(Julia) After all this time, it was as easy as that??"
"(Quentin) Yeah, come to think of it, Evan Hanley was going to try that on me back in 1897, but got interrupted. Funny we never tried it again."
"(Julia) Yeah, VERY funny!!"


"(Quentin) Hennessy!?? Where? (Hic!)"


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"(Bob Lloyd) Should she be getting a credit without having any dialogue?"
"(Quentin) Her body language said PLENTY to me!"


"(Bob Lloyd) Special Guest Star: Milton Berle as Louie the Lilac."


          Episode 1076:   David and Hallie discover a hidden west wing playroom.