The Family Goes on a Picnic!
SMACK!
"Ouch! That's got to be the 100th bite I've gotten! David, are you sure this is mosquito lotion you gave me?"
"Sure it is."
"Then how come it smells like sugar water?"


The Ghosts Give David a Model of Their Ghost Ship!
"I'll go fill the bath tub."


David Engages in a Little Candid Photography!
"Okay, how much?"
"$20 for the print, $50 for the negatives."

Today on Dark Shadows...


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Quentin Develops a Hole in His Change Purse!


The Picnic Gets Interrupted!
"I knew we shouldn't have held this in the cemetery."


Episode 1077

Starring David Selby, Kate Jackson, Kathryn Leigh Scott, David Henesy, Nancy Barrett, James Storm
Original Script By Joe Caldwell
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Maggie Evans. When Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman first returned from Parallel Time, they found themselves not in Good Old 1970, but in the year 1995. All of Collinwood lay in ruins around them, Microsoft had just released a buggy new Operating System, and worst of all, Barnabas found that all of us had been replaced by a new Night Time Dark Shadows program in which he was played by Ben Cross."


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"(Maggie) Now they have returned to the present desperate to prevent what they saw in the future, but so far having little luck as it has begun happening behind their backs. Last time on this version of Dark Shadows, Quentin found that he had secret admirers even among the dead. Unfortunately, she only wanted him for his body."


(In the Drawing Room, Quentin is drinking and pondering)
"(Quentin) Did I leave the Hellmouth open again?"


"(Quentin) Sniff, sniff! That scent! Lilacs! It means that Daphne is near!"
(picks up a Lilac Reunuzit, and tosses it away in frustration)
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


Quentin sits back in the chair)
FART!
"(Quentin) David!!!... I'll kill that kid!"


(As Quentin slumps into a chair, the Brandy and Cherry Nyquil that he unwisely mixed together start to take effect)


(Quentin sits in a chair in the Drawing Room dreaming that he's sitting in a chair in the Drawing Room)
"(Quentin) Zzzzzz.... D'oh!"
(as the doors fly open, a strange woman in a Victorian Miniskirt walks in)


(the strange woman is Daphne, who resents being called strange)
"(Quentin) You must be Daphne!"
(she deposits a bouquet of lilacs on the table with a smile)
"(Quentin) I saw your tombstone earlier today." *
* Not the world's greatest Pickup Line.


(Daphne smiles a compelling smile at Quentin)
"(Quentin) Well, well, well, my dear. Death becomes you." *
* Also not the world's greatest Pickup Line.


"(Quentin) No! Don't go!"
(As Daphne walks off, Quentin tries to follow, but finds himself running in place, unable to move)
"(Quentin) Noooo!"
(Quentin looks down to find himself running on a treadmill)
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


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(Quentin wakes up)
"(Quentin) Just a dream. Of course."
(He looks around)
"(Quentin) Sigh, why do my dreams about women always end before I get to the good part? Oh well, I guess in that much clothes, it would have taken a long time to get to the good part anyway."


(Quentin finds a bouquet of lilacs on the table)
"(Quentin) Ah ha! It wasn't a dream!... Okay, it was a dream, but it wasn't JUST a dream. Oh, you know what I mean!"


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"(Quentin) Daphne! I know it was real! You were here! I beg you! Appear to me! Appear!"
(Daphne materializes in front of his eyes)
"(Quentin) Hot Diggity! Everybody in the audience wishes they were me right now!... Of course they did already..."
(fade to black)


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(Daphne holds out the bouquet of lilacs)
"(Quentin) For me? Oh, you shouldn't have... Of course, we guys would usually prefer a keg of beer, but... Oh well, you'll know next time."


(Daphne strokes Quentin's cheek)
"(Quentin) Ooooh, Daphne! So soft. So real... Not in the least bit clammy or creepy... Sorry, I guess that was a jerky thing to say..."


(Just as in the dream, Daphne turns and walks away)
"(Quentin) No, wait. Don't go. Ooooh, this must still be a dream! NOBODY walks out on Quentin Collins!"


(as Quentin tries to follow her, a sudden gust of wind blows out the electric lights)
"(Quentin) I'm not even going to pretend to understand that one!"


(Quentin lights a single candle, which, somewhat unrealistically, floods the room with light)


"(Quentin) Daphne, please come back! Please!"
(Quentin finds the bouquet of lilacs on the floor)
"(Quentin) I'd better put these in whiskey, fast!" *
* Anyone but Quentin would put them in water.


(In David's Room)
"(Maggie) The next time you take the boat out alone, David, please try to be back before dark."
"(David) Why? Were you worried about me?"
"(Maggie) Oh no, I enjoy having to serve refreshments to the entire Coast Guard."


"(David) I don't know what the big deal is. I just wanted to go out to the lighthouse and back."
"(Maggie) Do it in the daytime. After dark is not safe. Especially going to the Lighthouse."
"(David) What's so unsafe about the Lighthouse?"
"(Maggie) You've got to sail right past Widow's Hill. There's no telling who will drop in on you."
(canned laughter)
"(David) Oh geez, I don't know how we can still get laughs with jokes about people falling off Widow's Hill, when that hasn't happened in at least 3 months."


"(David) I'm a good sailor, you know. I've got saltwater in my veins. I can even talk like a pirate! Argh!"
"(Maggie) Things can happen after dark that the best sailor in the world wouldn't be able to cope with. Sudden summer storms, fogs, undercurrents... big rocks in the bay."
(David looks at a model ship)
"(Maggie) David, are you listening to me?"
"(David) Sure, you're saying next time I go out at night, don't get caught."
"(Maggie) D'oh!"


"(Maggie) Where did that thing come from?"
"(David) What thing?"
"(Maggie) That model ship?"
"(David) Oh, I... found it."
"(Maggie) You found it? Where?"
"(David) In the attic, behind some old stuff."
"(Maggie) Was it in a box?"
"(David) No, oddly enough it was in a bottle."
"(Maggie) D'oh!"


"(Maggie) David, are you telling me the truth?"
"(David) Well, where else would I get it? I sure didn't make this thing myself."
"(Maggie) That's true, your modeling skills do leave a bit to be desired."
"(David) You remember what happened when I tried to build that model of the Cutty Sark?"
"(Maggie) I remember. You spilled paint on the instructions, then glued yourself to the door jamb."


"(David) You don't object to my having it, do you Maggie?"
"(Maggie) No, I guess not. Just take good care of it. It looks valuable."
"(David) I'll take care of it like my life depended on it (to himself) Which it probably does."
(Maggie leaves)
"(David) (watching) Quentin always likes to watch her leave the room. I wonder why? Maybe he just doesn't like her company?"


(As David plays with the boat, Daphne appears behind him)
"(David) Yaahhhh!!! Don't DO that!"


"(David) Was it you? Did you give this to me?"
(Daphne nods)
"(David) Did you assemble it yourself?... Oh, I guess that's a silly question (notices an instruction sheet glued to her backside)"


"(David) I've never seen it before. Was it in the Playroom? Is there a real one like it somewhere?"
(Daphne gives David a "What were you doing out sailing at night, young man?" look) *
"(David) Great, I thought this ghost business would be fun! All I've gotten now is two governesses nagging me!"
* You may have to kind of imagine that part.


(Daphne disappears as Quentin knocks on the door)
"(David) Come in."
"(Quentin) Hey, David. Here's my camera. You wanted to use it for the picnic."
"(David) Oh. Thanks."
"(Quentin) Well, I must say your gratitude is a bit undewhelming. You've been asking to use it for the last year."
"(David) Oh. I'm sorry. I've just got a lot on my mind today."
"(Quentin) The telephoto lens won't be able to catch Hallie in the shower if she pulls the curtains."
"(David) I didn't mean that!"


(Quentin looks troubled)
"(Quentin) Sniff, sniff. Uh, David?"
"(David) It wasn't me!"
"(Quentin) I didn't mean that!"


"(David) What's wrong?"
"(Quentin) Not wrong exactly, but I'd swear I smell lilacs."
"(David) Um, Lilacs?? Oh, but it's far too late in the year for lilacs to bloom."
"(Quentin) (dubiously) How does a guy know about that??"
"(David) Hallie told me, okay!"


"(David) You don't think I'm smuggling flowers or something, do you?"
"(Quentin) No, of course not. Unless maybe someone was here wearing lilac perfume. David?? Are you hiding girls in your room?"
"(David) Gosh no, Uncle Quentin. I'd never do that."
"(Quentin) Really? I would when I was your age. Were Maggie or Carolyn here today?"
"(David) Maggie was here a few minutes ago."
"(Quentin) That must be it, then. You know, I once heard that a powerful scent filling a room meant that a spirit was nearby."
"(David) You know, I think that happened to me at the library last week!"
"(Quentin) Was it a ghost?"
"(David) No, the toilets had overflowed."


"(Quentin) I don't mean that! It only works with flowery smells!"
"(David) Oh. Are you trying to scare me, Uncle Quentin?"
"(Quentin) No, just saying that if you do spot any good looking lady spirits, be sure to get their phone number for your good old Uncle Quentin."
"(David) Sure thing."
"(Quentin) And let me know if you have any questions about the camera before the picnic Say, why do you need it, anyway?"
"(David) Are you kidding? That exploding birthday cake I've got planned for Carolyn won't be nearly as much fun if I can't capture the look on her face afterwards."


(Quentin leaves)
"(David) Funny. Watching him leave the room isn't nearly as much fun as watching Maggie."


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(Downstairs, Carolyn looks at a business card)
"(Carolyn) 'Sebastian Shaw, Astrologer. No relation to Jeb Hawkes'... D'oh!"


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(Carolyn picks up the phone and dials)
"(Maggie) (entering) Anybody in here?"
"(Carolyn) Yaahh!! I wasn't doing anything wrong!"
"(Maggie) I didn't say you were."
"(Carolyn) All right, if you must know, I was calling Jeb."
"(Maggie) Carolyn... No, never mind. It's a stupid question."
"(Carolyn) What is?"
"(Maggie) To call a dead man, do you dial direct or go through the operator?"


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"(Carolyn) All right, it wasn't Jeb, exactly. It was mother's astrologer."
"(Maggie) You mean Sebastian Shaw."
"(Carolyn) Is that what he's calling himself?"
"(Maggie) Carolyn, he calls himself that because that's his name!"
"(Carolyn) Do we really know that?"
"(Maggie) Carolyn, he may look like Jeb, but he's not! Dead Lovers don't come back from the dead?"
"(Carolyn) How about Peter Bradford?"
"(Maggie) ...Except Peter Bradford!"


"(Carolyn) You remember what happened with Peter Bradford, don't you?"
"(Maggie) I've heard the story..."
"(Carolyn) Vicki went back to 1795, fell in love with Peter Bradford, and came back to the present. Then one day a man came to the front door who looked just like him, calling himself Jeff Clark. And sure enough, it turned out that he really was Peter Bradford! Now, a man comes to the front door looking just like MY ex-love, so why shouldn't he be the same person too?"
"(Maggie) Yeah, but a few months later, didn't ANOTHER guy come to the door who also looked just like Peter Bradford, only he turned out to be Sabrina's brother Ned Stuart? So this guy doesn't have to be Jeb."
"(Carolyn) Did anybody else ever come to the front door who looked just like Peter Bradford?"
"(Maggie) I don't think so, no."
"(Carolyn) Well then, that means the odds are 50/50, right?"
"(Maggie) Wait a minute... That almost makes sense!"


"(Carolyn) Have you actually seen Mr. Shaw?"
"(Maggie) No, but I've heard about him from your mother. I know he looks and sounds just like Jeb."
"(Carolyn) And doesn't that sound just a little bit suspicious? That he looks AND sounds like Jeb?"
"(Maggie) Not necessarily. Not when you consider that they're being played by the same actor, no."


"(Carolyn) Maggie, we both know that there are many things in this world that just can't be explained."
"(Maggie) Like why the Kardashians are famous?"
"(Carolyn) well, that too. But what am I going to do? I still love him. Is it wrong to love the dead?"
"(Maggie) Well, that depends how you MEAN that... Look, why don't you assume that he's not coming back, and then, if he does manage it, be pleasantly surprised?"
"(Carolyn) I guess I'll have to. But with all the strange things that have happened in this house since Episode 1, that you can't even admit the possibility of it being Jeb?"
"(Maggie) All right. I admit it's possible... But not likely. There are PLENTY of people around here who never came back from the dead, you know... And somebody from a storyline that everyone is trying to forget is a pretty good bet for oblivion."


(Meanwhile, in a corridor of Collinwood )
"(Quentin) (to himself) Could she have been in David's room? Maggie doesn't wear lilac perfume, she wears Springtime in the Bronx. Did David see Daphne and not want to tell me? No, he'd have been too scared not to..."
(pause)
"(Quentin) Where the heck am I?? I've never even seen this place before."


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(As Quentin tries to get his bearings, Daphne materializes before him)
"(Quentin) Daphne!"
(tries desperately to make small talk)
"(Quentin) What's a nice girl like you doing in a place like this? (wince)"


(Daphne flits away from Quentin and leads him down the hallway)
"(Quentin) Daphne, wait! Wait up!"
(Daphne doesn't wait up, but goes to a strange door in this strange corridor)
"(Quentin) If I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?... You must be from Tennessee, because you're the only 10 I see!... Uh, my name's Microsoft! Can I crash at your place tonight?"
(Daphne keeps going)
"(Quentin) What's with this woman? Even my best chat up lines don't work on her!"


(Daphne stops, turns and beckons Quentin on before going into the room) *
* Where the headlights are coming from is anybody's guess.


(Quentin rushes up)
"(Quentin) Let's see, which way did she go?"
(Opens the door on the right and finds a Tiger behind it)
"(Quentin) Okay, the Lady must be in the other one."
SLAM!


(Quentin finds himself in a long deserted room)
"(Quentin) Could this have been Daphne's... Bedroom?"
(Makes a dive for the underwear drawer and yanks out a giant whalebone corset)
"(Quentin) (disgusted) Sexy."


(Quentin lights a single candle, which, somewhat unrealistically, floods the room with light)
"(Quentin) What's causing that??"
(looks up and gets a studio light in the face)


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(Quentin finds a note on the desk)
"(Quentin) (reading) I tried not to tremble, but I couldn't help myself. Nothing in my life has terrified me more than the thought that you love me."
(low whistle)
"(Quentin) (to himself) Is this written to me, or to someone she knew when she was alive?"
"(Quentin) (out loud) Daphne, you're playing hard to get! I like my women easy... Er, not that I've had any women before. Actually, you'd be the first." *
* Oh, brother!


"(Quentin) Daphne? Daphne, please! There are so many questions that I want to ask you, and only you can give me the answers. Why do you come to me, and then go away? You must have led me here for a reason. If you need help, there's nothing I won't do, but you must appear to me!"
(Quentin looks down and notices that the note self-destructed in 10 seconds)
"(Quentin) So, that's where Mission Impossible got the idea!"


(Quentin blows out the candle, and leaves the room)
CRASH!
"(Quentin) Guess I should have blown out the candle last..."


"(Bob Lloyd) Meanwhile at... Now, where the heck is this??"
"(Dan Curtis) Maine."


(Later, at The Abandoned Picnic Ground)
"(David) Say Mozzarella."
"(Maggie) Cheese!"
CLICK!
"(Carolyn) Say, this is a Picnic, isn't it?"
"(Maggie) I believe you're right. This is going to bother me all day."
"(Carolyn) No, you don't understand. Wasn't a Picnic one of those clues to the big disaster that's supposed to happen?"
"(Maggie) Don't be silly. What kind of disaster could happen at a Picnic?"
"(David) (to himself) When she picks up that cake, she'll find out!"


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"(David) Now you, Carolyn."
"(Carolyn) Oh, I don't feel like posing for a picture today. I feel very grumpy and grouchy this afternoon."
"(David) I know. I want it to look natural."
"(Carolyn) Thanks!"
"(David) Come on, I've only got three shots left. How about if you and Maggie pose together?"
"(Carolyn) Oh, all right. I'm fine with it if Maggie is."
"(Maggie) Fine with me."
(they pose)
"(Maggie and Carolyn) Cheese!"
(each one gives the other Bunny Ears)
CLICK!


"(David) Terrific. That'll be a really good one!"
"(Carolyn) We should have gone out on the boat."
"(Quentin) Besides, unless you want to blow the budget for the entire next year, we'd better be happy just talking about the boat."
"(David) Oh. Hi Quentin."
"(Quentin) Not yet, but give me time. (takes a swig from his hip flask)


"(Quentin) Hey, we'd better get out of here."
"(David) I want to take another picture."
"(Quentin) It'll start storming any minute, David."
"(David) I know, I just wanted to get a couple of wet t-shirt pics of Maggie and Carolyn to help me negotiate a better bedtime."
"(Quentin) Hey, when you're done, how much would you want for them?"
"(Maggie and Carolyn) Quentin!!"


"(David) We've still got a few minutes. C'mon, let me take a picture of you and Maggie."
"(Quentin) Sure, that sounds good. Come here, Maggie."
"(Maggie) All right. (Quentin poses with Maggie)
"(Maggie) Shall we smile or look natural?"
"(David) Maggie, you clutch the basket, and Quentin, you clutch Maggie."
"(Quentin) Great idea!"
"(Maggie) Hey, six inches, Quentin! We don't have those pitchforks on our hands any more!" *
* See The Leviathan Story.


"(David) That's funny."
"(Maggie) Funny "Ha, ha", or Funny "Aieeee!!!"?"
"(David) I don't know. Just for a minute I thought there was somebody standing behind you."
"(Quentin) Who did you think it was?"
"(David) I'm not sure. For a minute I thought it might be Hallie."
"(Maggie) Where is Hallie today? How come she couldn't make the picnic?"
"(Quentin) Visiting her Uncle."
"(Maggie) Aww, it's too bad she couldn't make it."
"(Carolyn) Oooh, there are ants here! I hate ants! They frighten me! Maggie, how long has that potato salad been sitting out? Don't you know food containing mayonnaise spoils quickly? My uncle said so! We might all be poisoned! I'm frightened! Oh no, there's a storm blowing in. Something terrible is going to happen. Please, take me back to the house now!"
"(Maggie) Never mind, I don't miss her so much any more."


"(David) Here, let me take one of Quentin and Maggie."
"(Quentin and Maggie) Cheese!"
CLICK!
"(David) Okay, I've got one shot left. Let me get one of all three of you."
"(Maggie) Do you want us to smile or look natural?"
"(David) Natural. Maggie, you smile. Carolyn, you scowl. And Quentin, you pass out on the ground."
"(Quentin) Hmmm..."


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(Later at Collinwood)
"(Carolyn) I'm certainly glad we got our picnic through before the storm broke."
"(Maggie) It doesn't look broke to me. It seems to be in perfect working order."


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"(Carolyn) Maggie, I didn't mean to sulk all through it. Will you forgive me?"
"(Maggie) Well, you had a lot on your mind."
"(Carolyn) Yes, and I've decided. I realize now that I was being stupid, thinking about calling Sebastian Shaw."
"(Maggie) Well, thank goodness."
"(Carolyn) Much better to go there in person and dazzle him with my money and influence."
"(Maggie) Sigh."


(Quentin enters)
"(Carolyn) Quentin, have you seen David?"
"(Quentin) Blonde kid, about this tall?"
"(Carolyn) I just wondered how he was coming with the pictures."
"(Quentin) Well, to coin a phrase, I believe he went into his darkroom to see what develops."


(Carolyn leaves)
"(Maggie) I wonder if she'll ever get over Jeb?"
"(Quentin) Oh, as soon as another leather-jacketed roughnik comes along and wins her heart, probably."
"(Maggie) And then he'll get bumped off too."
"(Quentin) Yep."


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"(Maggie) It's so futile to love somebody who's dead."
"(Quentin) Are you saying you don't love your Pop any more?"
"(Maggie) Well, I do, but I don't look at my watch every 5 minutes to see if he's come back. What are you reading?"
"(Quentin) Oh, a family history. It looks like there was a really cute governess here in 1840, named Daphne Harridge. Boy, would I like to see her."
"(Maggie) You too?? What is it, something in the water??"


"(Maggie) Anything else interesting?"
"(Quentin) Oh, it seems that I, uh, had a great granduncle with the same name as mine: Quentin Collins. You know, it's strange to think that there was once another person in this house with the same name as mine."
"(Maggie) Once? What about the Quentin Collins who lived in 1897?"
"(Quentin) What about me?... I mean HIM! Heh, heh. Oh yeah, that's right. He was a different person than I am too, wasn't I? I mean HE!"

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(Meanwhile upstairs)
"(Carolyn) How's it coming?"
"(David) Swimmingly."
"(Carolyn) You know, I didn't even know you had a darkroom up here."
"(David) Yeah, I saved burned out light bulbs for a year to build it."


"(Carolyn) A lot of these turned out good. Didn't the storm clouds ruin any of them?"
"(David) Naw, they just added a few more dark shadows to the pictures."
"(Carolyn) Well, these are nice. This is a good one of the house... And this is a nice shot of the Foyer... Hey. Who's this sunbathing redhead in the teeny-weeny bikini?"
"(David) Oh, Quentin had already shot part of the roll before he loaned me the camera."


(Unbeknownst to them, Gerard himself is in the corner watching them)
"(David) Carolyn, does anything strike you about this picture?"
"(Carolyn) Only that Quentin is handsome and Maggie is beautiful. Why?"
"(David) Does anything else strike you about it?"
"(Carolyn) Oh, yes! Of course. How did I miss it?"
"(David) Yes?"
"(Carolyn) Maggie's not as beautiful as I am."
"(David) D'oh!"
(fade to black)


"(Ken McEwen) Here to rebut that last caption is Ms. Kathryn Leigh Scott."
"(KLS) Thank you, Ken. Ladies and Gentlemen. Mr. Lloyd. Mr. Curtis. And all assembled members of the cast and Production Crew... Bite me!"


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"(Bob Lloyd) Insert Secret Storm joke here."
"(Dan Curtis) It seems we throw that show a lot of free plugs around here..."


"(Bob Lloyd) Will not make Charlie's Angels joke! Will NOT make Charlie's Angels joke..."
"(Ken McEwen) What are you saying?"
"(Bob Lloyd) Yaah!! Uh, Angels, I want you to go undercover in the mausoleum!.... D'oh!"


"(Ken McEwen) What happened to Manfred Von Whatshisname?"
"(Dan Curtis) He was shot down over Ypres."


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          Episode 1077:   With the scent of lilacs, Daphne's ghost appears to Quentin.