The Cameraman Catches a Shot of Barnabas' Naval!

Special Guest Star: Alfred Hitchcock!

Special Guest Star: Napoleon Bonaparte!

Today on Dark Shadows...

Liz Turns the A.C. Up A Little Too High!

In the West Wing, David and Quentin Reminisce About Old Times!
"Do you remember summoning Amy and I up here to the West Wing, and making us scare the others out of the house? And you remember the day we locked up Madame Findlay in your room?"
"That was back when I was dead, David. I'm trying to get on with my life now."

Quentin Reads a Book!
"I'm calling BS on that one..."

Episode 1078

Starring David Henesy, David Selby, Grayson Hall, Jonathan Frid, Kate Jackson
Original Script By Joe Caldwell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Julia Hoffman. A summer storm has subsided and all is quiet again at Collinwood. In sports today..."

"This is Barnabas taking over today's narration. There are continuing hints of mystery at Collinwood as David Collins completes the innocent task of developing the photographs he took at the afternoon picnic. One photograph, in particular, not only puzzles, but disturbs him."
"(David) Whadda ya mean "disturbs"? That's the best picture of my thumb that I've taken yet."

(David walks out of his darkroom, accidentally exposing three more rolls of film)
"(David) D'oh!"

(Quentin enters)
"(Quentin) Hey, how'd they come out? Did my camera deliver the goods?"
"(David) Yeah, great. Thanks."
"(Quentin) Let's see how they came out... Oh, this one's nice."
"(David) You think so?"
"(Quentin) Good focus... Strong composition... Proper use of fore and background... And Carolyn and Maggie can't even see the bucket of water you've got propped over their heads."

"(David) Here's one of you and Maggie."
"(Quentin) Hey, this is the same one Barnabas and Julia saw in the future..."
"(David) We're not supposed to know about that."
"(Quentin) Oh, right."

"(Quentin) Something wrong?"
"(David) Do you get the feeling that that's a face back there watching you and Maggie?"
"(Quentin) Carolyn?"
"(David) No, not Carolyn. Back there among the leaves behind you."
"(Quentin) Oh, that. I think that's just the studio lights reflecting off the leaves. A kind of optical illusion."
"(David) It looks like a man."
"(Quentin) Well, who would it be? A Peeping Tom Collins?"

(Downstairs, Julia and Barnabas enter)
"(Julia) Gasp!"
"(Barnabas) Are you gasping for a reason? Or is it just that time?"
"(Julia) It's Gerard! I can feel his presence in the house!"
"(Barnabas) Well, can you describe it?"
"(Julia) It's... like kind of a fetid, musty, foul odor, permeating the room."
"(Barnabas) Are you sure Mrs. Johnson isn't simply cooking dinner?"
"(Mrs. Johnson's Voice) I heard that!"



"(Barnabas) Gerard stiles?"
"(Julia) Yes."
"(Barnabas) Here?"
"(Julia) Yes."
"(Barnabas) In this house?"
"(Julia) Barnabas, YES!"
"(Barnabas) You can actually feel his presence?"
"(Julia) It's just like that first sensation I had of him in the future. A terrible Evil. Calculated. Cunning. Topped off with the sweet scent of Brut."
"(Barnabas) And it feels like that now?"
"(Julia) Well no, not as strongly as before. He hasn't taken control of the house yet. But he's definitely here."
"(Barnabas) After."
"(Julia) What?"
"(Barnabas) You said "not as strongly as before". But 1995 is actually "after"."
"(Julia) Strange, now I'm sensing anal-retentiveness."

"(Barnabas) Julia, go into the Drawing room and wait for me."
"(Julia) What are you going to do?"
"(Barnabas) I'm going to go up and talk to Elizabeth. We must get everyone out of this house at once."
"(Julia) Barnabas, she'll never do that. She'd rather die than leave Collinwood."
"(Barnabas) It may come to that!"
"(Julia) And she won't want to alarm the children."
"(Barnabas) Better alarmed than dead!"
"(Julia) And she won't want the gossip that would result if the whole family suddenly evacuated the house."
"(Barnabas) What's Elizabeth more worried about? A public scandal or the welfare of the family??"
"(Julia) Heh, heh. Good one, Barnabas. Good one."
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"


"(Julia) But may I remind you of the biggest reason? She won't believe you because her horoscope says that no disaster is coming."
"(Barnabas) But if I can only convince her that Gerard is here!"
"(Julia) How? We have no proof, only my own feelings."
"(Barnabas) We'd have some proof if you had remembered to take pictures of Collinwood in ruins when we were in 1995!"
"(Julia) I did remember to take some!... They just weren't back from the drugstore before we had to leave!"


"(Barnabas) The children are in danger! Everyone is. There must be something we can do!"
"(Julia) There is. If Gerard is here, we can wait until we begin to see the effects of his presence. Then we can use the evidence of those effects to try to convince Elizabeth."
"(Barnabas) What kind of effects would be sufficient evidence of his presence?"
"(Julia) Would You Believe everybody dropping dead at once?"
"(Barnabas) That's what I was afraid of..."

"(Barnabas) Where is Hallie?"
"(Julia) Off visiting her Uncle. But David is upstairs. Why don't you talk to him? Perhaps he's noticed something unusual."
"(Barnabas) Is it safe to leave you down here?"
"(Julia) Oh, yes. Gerard hasn't taken complete control yet."
"(Barnabas) Very well."
"(Julia) Oh, and do me a favor. Smash that bust up there on the railing."
"(Barnabas) That one that almost hit you in 1995?"
"(Julia) Yes, one way or another, we're going to change SOMETHING about the future."

(In the West Wing, Quentin enters Daphne's Room, and starts going through her desk drawer)
"(Quentin) Phew!! Oh boy! I hope that if I ever die, I don't leave any forgotten tunafish sandwiches behind!"

(Quentin pulls a silhouette of our least favorite ghost out of the drawer)
"(Quentin) Well, whaddya know. Gerard has a cameo in this episode."


"(Quentin) (to himself) What's this doing in Daphne's room. What did Gerard mean to her? What did they mean to each other?"
(Quentin flips through the book eagerly)
"(Quentin) (reading) 'April 2, 1841. President Harrison is ill.'... D'oh!! What kind of diary is this?? I want panty raids, not some history lesson???"

"(David) Oh, so it's you."
(David is behind Quentin)
"(Quentin) Uh, David! What are you doing here?"
(quickly stuffs the diary into a pocket)
"(Quentin) What are you talking about? What's me?"
"(David) I was walking by outside and saw a light in the West Wing, and wasn't sure who it was."
"(Quentin) Oh! Oh, I see, yes. Well, it's just me... By the way, David. Important Safety Tip. Don't sneak up behind anybody in the West Wing with an accusatory-sounding comment."


"(Quentin) So you just saw a light outside and came in to investigate?"
"(David) Sure. Don't you believe me?"
"(Quentin) Er, oh sure. Of course I do."
"(David) What are you doing here? Your bedroom is on the other side of the West Wing."
"(Quentin) Uh, Well, I'm, uh... just helping Dr. Hoffman research some of the family history. You know that book that's her cover story for being here?... Er, I mean the one she's been writing about the family for the last three years? I'm just going through some of the closed rooms looking for information that might help her finally get past Chapter 1."
"(David) You!? What do you know about history?"
"(Quentin) I know that President Harrison was ill in 1841! Nyah!!"

"(David) Whose room was this?"
"(Quentin) No idea. I doubt we'll ever know."
"(David) Have you found anything that might help Dr. Hoffman?"
"(Quentin) Nothing at all. It's a pretty dull job, actually. I was just about to go hand Julia my resignation. I'm going out of my mind from the boredom."
"(David) How long have you been at it?"
"(Quentin) About five minutes."

(After Quentin and David leave, Daphne is grinning in the corner)
"(Daphne) (to herself) I like those two. They're screwy!"

(In David's Room)
"(Barnabas) Anybody there?"
(knock, knock, knock)
"(Barnabas) No answer. I guess David won't mind if I just walk in." *
* After all these years on the receiving end, Barnabas finally pulls this stunt on somebody else.

(Barnabas spots the ship)
"(Barnabas) Hello? This looks familiar. I've seen it before. But where?... In the Playroom? Or did Mr. Curtis use it for one of our "Special Effects" once?"
"(Dan Curtis' Voice) I heard that!"


"(Barnabas) That's it, I saw this in the future. But there is no Playroom in 1970. Where could it have come from?"
(looks at the underside)
"(Barnabas) Oh, Made in Japan. Of course."

(David enters)
"(David) Cousin Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) Oh, there you are, David. Tell me. Where did you get this boat?"
"(David) I found it... Up in the attic."
"(Barnabas) Really? It's in oddly good condition."
"(David) For being up in the attic so long?"
"(Barnabas) No, for being in your possession for five minutes! I'd expect it to be in pieces by now."


"(David) Do you object to my having it?"
"(Barnabas) No, certainly not. I just don't remember you having it before."
"(David) I only found it yesterday."
"(Barnabas) That must be it. The strange thing is, I feel like I've seen it before, only somewhere else."
"(David) Have you ever been to Japan?"
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"

"(Barnabas) I see you've been taking some photographs."
"(David) Yes, Quentin's been lending me his camera. It's a lot better than any of mine... He must have sent in more box tops."
"(Barnabas) Well, I'll have to look at them some time. * Well David, I'm sorry your summer has proved to be so dull. It has been dull, hasn't it? (Hint, hint)"
"(David) Well, I was really sad to lose Amy, but Hallie's been a pretty good partner in crime so far."
"(Barnabas) But otherwise it's been pretty much like all the other summers? (Hint, hint)"
"(David) No, it's been dull."
* Look at them NOW, you idiot! You wouldn't recognize a clue if it bit you!

(Barnabas leaves)
"(David) Can you beat that? He was acting like I'm the suspicious one around here! Show up on people's doorstep claiming to be a member of the family and they accept you no questions asked, but a lousy toy boat is some kinda Federal case."


(Downstairs, Quentin is reading0
"(Quentin) (to himself) 'Today, I am going to kill him. His death is the only answer.' Kill him?? Daphne kill someone?? Oh, wait. This is MY old diary!"

(Julia enters with a book)
"(Quentin) Well, that must be interesting reading."
"(Julia) Oh, Quentin. I didn't see you."
"(Quentin) How's the research coming?"
"(Julia) Well, I haven't found out anything about Tad or Carrie yet... Or Gerard... Or Daphne."
"(Quentin) That covers a lot of bases. What HAVE you learned?"
"(Julia) President Harrison was ill in 1841."
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


"(Julia) Really, all I've learned is that Daphne was the family governess here from 1840-1841."
"(Quentin) And that's all you know about her?"
"(Julia) So far, yes. Why do you ask?"
"(Quentin) Oh well, no reason. If I'm going to go crazi thinking about her, I want to find out everything I can about her, that's all."
"(Julia) I wish you wouldn't make jokes about this. You and everyone else."
"(Quentin) Captions are supposed to be funny, Julia. If you want the story straight, get out the DVD's and watch the original show."


(Barnabas enters)
"(Julia) Oh, Barnabas. Did you see David?"
"(Barnabas) Yes."
"(Julia) Well, did you talk to him? Has he noticed anything unusual?"
"(Barnabas) Not that he mentioned. But it was the strangest thing. He had a model boat."
"(Julia) That is strange!"
"(Barnabas) You don't understand. David said he found it in the attic, but I could swear I saw it in the Playroom in 1995."
"(Quentin) Well, that's some consolation, at least."
"(Barnabas) What do you mean?"
"(Quentin) Maybe the family will be destroyed, but at least that boat will survive."

"(Julia) If nothing has happened to David yet, that's good."
"(Barnabas) That's just it. I feel that something has happened, and he's not telling us about it."
"(Quentin) Well, if he knows something, he's got to tell us. Didn't you tell him what was at stake?"
"(Barnabas) No. Oddly enough, I've got a strange aversion to that word."


"(Julia) I think our real hope, if we can call it that, is that something bad will happen that will prove that something is up, but not so bad as to actually kill anybody or break anything too valuable. Quentin, have you noticed anything?"
"(Quentin) Uh... What was the question again?"
"(Barnabas) Have you noticed anything odd?"
"(Quentin) No! Absolutely nothing!"
"(Julia) How can we be sure you're telling the truth?"
"(Quentin) Um, because if I'd noticed anything, there would have been that "Dun-dun-dahhhh" musical stinger sound when you asked me the question."

"(Barnabas) Quentin!"
"(Julia) Have you got some 'splainin' to do?"
"(Quentin) Look, what is this? The Spanish Inquisition? I said I didn't know anything."
"(Barnabas) There's something about the way you said it."
"(Quentin) What's wrong with you two? Do I look like the sort of guy who would endanger his friend's lives and his own sanity just to get a date?"
"(Barnabas and Julia) YES!"
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


"(Barnabas) Quentin, if you have concealed something, you must tell us! For your own good."
"(Julia) And ours! Especially mine! Please Quentin, you know how important this is for all of us."
"(Barnabas) And the children!"
"(Quentin) All right. All right, I do know something, and I'll tell you."
(Outside the Seaward Window, Daphne appears and lifts the hem of her dress a full two inches above floor level) *
"(Quentin) Yaah!!! Nothing! Nothing at all!"
* For a lech, Quentin is awfully easy to please sometimes.

"(Barnabas) What do you mean nothing? You were just saying that you did."
"(Quentin) No! I know nothing, I see nothing, I hear nothing... Colonel Hogan!"
"(Barnabas) You were just about to tell us something, now what was it?"
"(Quentin) Yes, I was just about to tell you... that... I had nothing to tell you!"
"(Julia) Oh, brother."

(Quentin dashes out)
"(Barnabas) Julia, do you think he's telling the truth?"
"(Julia) I don't know. My gut says No, but it's hard to believe that even Quentin would endanger the children."
"(Barnabas) I suppose. Do you still feel Gerard's presence?"
"(Julia) Oh, yes."
"(Barnabas) If we could only find out why he's here and what he wants. Perhaps a séance! Perhaps we could contact somebody who would tell us!"
"(Julia) No, Barnabas! Not a séance. No!"
"(Barnabas) Why not?"
"(Julia) It's too dangerous! Who knows what we might bring into the house? A séance might even be exactly what Gerard needs to come here in full force!"
"(Barnabas) Boy! I don't know what things are coming to when even a simple séance is too dangerous to hold!"

"(Quentin) Ah, David. I wanted to have a word with you."
"(David) Yes?"
"(Quentin) I just wanted to warn you. I think you should stay out of the West Wing. I happened to stumble over a couple of loose boards in there. Do me a favor and don't go back, even if you do see a light. It's too dangerous for you."
"(David) But your bedroom is in the West Wing."
"(Quentin) Yes, that's another reason to keep away."


"(David) I'm always very careful, Uncle Quentin."
"(Quentin) David. The West Wing is very dark and cluttered."
"(David) But I've been prowling around in there for years and never gotten hurt."
"(Quentin) David, I want you to stay out of there and that's final!... Geez, whatever happened to the days when you and Amy were in my power and would just do whatever I asked??"


(Leaving Quentin, David enters his room, only to find a 19th century outfit on his bed too)
"(David) Oh no! Not again!" *
(looks at it)
"(David) Oh well, I guess it could be worse. On this show, I'm lucky this outfit isn't lime green."
* David and Amy went through the whole rigmarole of having to dress up like their 19th century counterparts back when Quentin was haunting the house in Episodes 637-700.

(David picks up the outfit and examines it more closely)
"(David) This thing looks like something Little Lord Fauntleroy would wear! Geez, and I thought the biggest dangers I was facing were being killed or possessed or something! If I ever put this on, my chances of being cool are down the toilet permanently!"


(David takes the Monkey Suit over to his dresser, and puts it in a drawer, even though it's on a hanger, and really should be put in the closet to prevent wrinkling) *
* Who says this show isn't Educational?

(David goes into the Darkroom to see what Develops) *
* You know, forget about the Playroom. This Darkroom didn't use to be here either!


(David pulls his Enlargement out of the bin, and notices a ghostly face staring at Quentin and Maggie from the leaves)
"(David) Would you look at that!... You know, I could probably claim this thing was a fake, and sell it to Sightings."

(Back in his bedroom, David finds Daphne waiting for him)
"(David) Did you bring me the Monkey Suit? I have to know!"
(Daphne looks at him)
"(David) Why was I so scared when I saw it? And how come they were so cold to the touch?"
(Daphne looks at him)
"(David) Don't give me that! They're not "Ghost Clothes". There's no such thing as Ghost Clothes... What's that? Oh, you put them in the fridge for an hour just to freak me out."


(David grabs the photo)
"(David) Look at this. Who's this man? Right here in the leaves. I thought I saw somebody watching us, and I was right."
(David hands Daphne the picture, but it just falls through her ghostly fingers)
"(David) Wait a minute, if you can't touch the photo, how were you able to touch the clothes??.... Or am I overthinking this."

(Daphne gestures for David to put the Fauntleroy outfit on)
"(David) What? Oh no, you don't want me to wear that, do you?"
(Daphne nods)
"(David) Oh please, not that! I've got to make sure I always wear cool clothes, you see! Because I know that whenever somebody dies wearing something, that's what their ghost wears for all eternity!"
(Daphne nods)
"(David) Not that! If I die, I'll spend the rest of my Unlife looking like the "Thank you sir, may I have another?" kid!"
(Daphne gestures for David to put the silly suit on)
"(David) Oh geez, this isn't fair! You got to die fashionably, why can't I?"


(Daphne disappears as David hears voices in the hall)
"(Julia) Well, it won't hurt to look in on him."
"(Barnabas) As long as he hasn't got that bucket of water propped over the door again."
(David jumps into bed, fully clothed, and pulls the covers up over him)
"(David) Zzzz! Zzz! Zzzz!"
(unconvincing snoring)
"(David) Bee-bee-bee-bee-bee.... Zzzzz."
(Unconvincing Curly Howard style snoring)

(Barnabas and Julia peep in and see Julia in bed)
"(Julia) Awwww, doesn't he look like a little angel?"
"(Barnabas) He always does... when he's asleep."


(Meanwhile, Daphne's old Room has become the new Grand Central Station)
"(Quentin) Daphne? Daphne?? Look, you must appear to me! You must! You've got to help explain to me the stupid things I do!"
"(Quentin) Well, not all the stupid things, actually. Just some of the more recent ones."


(Daphne appears before Quentin with a Bang and a Flash, and an incredibly expensive torrent of special effects that have subsided by the time this screengrab was taken) *
* Is anybody buying this?

"(Quentin) There you are! You've got to explain this! There I was, all about to tell Barnabas and Julia all about you, and suddenly I didn't! What made me do that?"
(Daphne lifts her hemline two inches again)
"(Quentin) Oh, yeah. Right, right.

(Daphne beckons Quentin to come hither)
"(Quentin) Look, that's not all! There's something else I've got to know. All the terrible things that Barnabas and Julia have predicted. Are they really going to happen? Me going crazy,and... well, actually that's the only one I was really concerned about."


(In his room, David studies the mysterious photograph)
"(David) There's definitely a face in the leaves there. You know, if I could convince people this was the Virgin Mary, this picture would be worth a fortune... No, wait. I guess it couldn't be her. She wouldn't have 5 o'clock shadow."

(In the Foyer, Quentin walks downstairs, as if asleep, entranced, or just plain stupid)
"(Quentin) Hey!"

(The front doors open automatically for Quentin as he comes downstairs)
"(Quentin) Either that's a ghost, or we're on Star Trek all of a sudden."


(At Eagle Hill Cemetery)
"(Daphne's Voice) I've got the strangest feeling, like somebody's walking on my grave."

(Daphne appears)
"(Daphne) Quentin, this is my grave, not some flophouse! Pick up that beer can!"


"(Quentin) Daphne. I don't know who you are. Or why you brought me here. All I know, and all I care about is that you are very beautiful... Sorry, I know that sounds superficial. I'm not like that with other women."
(crosses his fingers)


"(Quentin) I'm not going to ask any questions or demand any answers. All I want now is to put my arms around you. Eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow we die."
(Daphne produces a hidden dagger, which she points directly at Quentin's back)
"(Quentin) ...Possibly sooner."


"(Bob Lloyd) Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Toy Boat, Toe Boyt, Toe Boyt, awww, nertz!"

"(Bob Lloyd) So, is Quentin a Good Guy now, or is he still a Bad Guy?"
"(Dan Curtis) A Good Guy."
"(Bob Lloyd) How can you tell?"
"(Dan Curtis) His contract says so."


"(Ken McEwen) Model Ships by Ross Skipper."

"(Bob Lloyd) What does this thing have to do with the story, anyway?"
"(Dan Curtis) It's where Gerard got his hair cut."
"(Bob Lloyd) His hair cut!?"
"(Dan Curtis) Yeah, it's a Clipper ship."

          Episode 1078:   Quentin discovers Daphne's diary in her old west wing room.