The Collinsport Players Do The Roof of the Sistine Chapel!


Quentin and Daphne Play a Game of Diplomacy!


Daphne and the Kids Hold a Square Dance!

Today on Dark Shadows...


Collinwood's TV Reception Gets Wonky!
"How long do I have to stand out here holding this aerial, Julia?"
"Just until Peyton Place is over."


The Dialogue Fails to Meet 1840 Standards!
"Gimme five."
"Back at you, Blood!"


The Collinsport Players Do The Wild, Wild West Credits!


Episode 1079

Starring Kathy Cody, David Selby, Kate Jackson, David Henesy, Grayson Hall
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Larry Chase. I'm not in this storyline... Come to think of it I'm not even in Normal Time at all... And in Parallel Time where I live, I'm dead. But nobody else wanted to do this narration, so I was elected..."


"(Larry) In this present time of 1970, Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman have returned to the Great House of Collinwood after a terrifying experience in the year 1995. They have learned that a disaster is to occur before the year is out that will wipe out the family, but they have been singularly ineffective at doing anything at all to prevent it. Yes, let's just give her a little razzing there..."


"(Larry) Meanwhile, on Bunker Hill, General Putnam is ordering his troops not to fire until they see the whites of their eyes."
"(Putnam) Okay, you can fire now."


(Meanwhile at Eagle Hill, Quentin comes looking for Daphne) *
* Top 10 Signs of Impending Dating Disaster. #10: You meet your blind date at a cemetery.


(Quentin approaches Daphne's grave)
"(Quentin) Daphne? Daphne, this is where you wanted to come. But why?"
(Daphne materializes in the one other part of the cemetery that has a Key Light shining on it) *
"(Quentin) Wouldn't my place have been better?"
* I guess that's more than you needed to know, huh?


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"(Quentin) I don't know why you brought me here. All I know is that you are very beautiful. And that's good enough for me. And, uh, for reasons of my own, I want to hold you as close to my body as I possibly can."
(As Quentin hugs her, Daphne produces a hidden knife from her sleeve, and points it directly at his back)
"(Bob Lloyd) When Quentin asked her to meet him here in stilettos, I don't think that's what he meant."
(fade to black)


(Regular Credit sequence replaced with the credits from The Wild, Wild West)
"(Bob Lloyd) What's that for?"
"(Dan Curtis) In light of today's cliffhanger, it just seemed appropriate."


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(Daphne is still poised to strike)
"(Quentin) I almost know nothing about you. But I suddenly feel as if we're going to be together for the rest of my life." *
* Irony Alert!


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"(Quentin) If you'll just why your spirit cannot rest and why you cannot be at peace, perhaps there's something I can do for you."
(Daphne drops the dagger, unable to bring herself to stab the big lug)
"(Quentin) you know I'd do anything to get a piece... PUT you at peace, I mean. Sorry, Freudian slip there."
(Daphne starts looking around for the dagger again)


"(Quentin) No, wait! Please. I'm sorry, I just get a little tongue-tied around a pretty face. Don't hold it against me."
(pause)
"(Quentin) The comment, I mean. You can hold your face against me if you want."


(Daphne disappears into the ether)
"(Quentin) No, please! Don't go! I'll do anything for you! I don't know why! It's just that you mean so much to me!"
(Daphne doesn't answer, and doesn't reappear)
"(Quentin) Well, it's Friday Night. There's got to be somebody else in the Little Black Book."


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(As Quentin looks around, he finds the dagger on the ground)
"(Quentin) What's this doing here? Who'd want to open letters out here?"


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(Back at Collinwood)
(knock, knock, knock)
"(Hallie's Voice) Come in!"
(David enters Hallie's Room and finds her in the Orange Dress again)
"(Hallie) Prithee thee, kind sir. Wouldst thou perchance do me the honour of escorting me to the dining area for a bracing meal of Sheep's Rumps and Kidneys in Rice, Ox Pallets, and Florendine of Rabbit?"
"(David) You know, sometimes the other kids ask if I do drugs, and I always say "Who needs 'em?"."


"(David) What are you doing in that dress again?"
"(Hallie) Dost thou not liketh me in it, David?"
"(David) It dotheth not mattereth if I liketh ithh.... D'oh! Can we talk normally?? My tongue is starting to hurt!"


(Hallie does a twirl in the dress, that nearly turns her into Wonder Woman)
"(Hallie) What do you think? Is it not grand?"
"(David) Look, I thought you were going to put that thing in the attic?"
"(Hallie) (poutily) Don't you like me in it?"
"(David) Yeah, yeah, you look really... You know."
"(Hallie) What?"
"(David) (embarrassed) Nice."
"(Hallie) What?"
"(David) Nice."
"(Hallie) Speak up!"
"(David) NICE, okay! You look nice!"
"(Hallie) Nice? In what way "Nice"? Am I Graceful? Poised? Elegant? Pulchritudinous? Fetching? Beguiling? Supercalifragilisticexpialidocious?"
"(David) HOT, okay! You look hot!"
"(Hallie) It is, now that you mention it. Let me open a window."


"(Hallie) Why art thou so upset? Hast something happened that I know not about?"
"(David) Well... Yes. Sort of."
"(Hallie) What, pray?"
"(David) Well, I found a set of clothes on my bed too, and from the same period as yours."
"(Hallie) Oh, put them on! I've never seen you in a dress!"
"(David) D'oh!"


"(David) It's not a dress! It's boy's clothing from the same era... A really nerdy boy's clothing, that is."
"(Hallie) Oh David, please put them on!"
"(David) I don't want to."
"(Hallie) But I want you to! And so does she!"
"(David) I can't explain it, but I… I just don't think we should have anything to do with those clothes."
"(Hallie) You don't want to make me happy! You don't want to make her happy!"
(Hallie flounces out in a huff)
"(David) Good, I was afraid you wouldn't understand."
"(Hallie) (coming back) Wait a minute! This is my room!"


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(Quentin returns home and runs into Julia)
"(Julia) Quentin, are you out of your mind??"
"(Quentin) Whatever happened to Hello???"


"(Quentin) Now what have I done? You know, half the lies they tell about me aren't even true."
"(Julia) Maggie told me that a group of you had gone on a picnic this afternoon."
"(Quentin) Oh, is THAT all you're worried about. Don't worry, it's perfectly okay."
"(Julia) What do you mean?"
"(Quentin) I saved you a piece of pie."
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Julia) I don't care about the pie! Don't you remember? The Day of the Picnic was Carolyn's second clue!"
"(Quentin) I thought it was the 5th!?"
"(Julia) No, Barnabas read them to you out of order! It's the second, and I should have been there to prevent what happened... By the way, did anything unusual happen at this Picnic?"
"(Quentin) Actually, it did, now that you mention it."
"(Julia) What? What??"
"(Quentin) David had a whole phial of itching powder, and didn't use it on either Carolyn or Maggie while they slept."


"(Julia) Is that all that happened?"
"(Quentin) Yeah. On the whole, we had a really nice afternoon."
"(Julia) I don't understand it. Two of the six clues have taken place..."
"(Quentin) And nothing whatsoever has gone wrong!"
"(Julia) Not that we KNOW of. I still feel Gerard's presence in this house! That's a bad thing, isn't it?"
"(Quentin) Ah, but when did you start feeling it? On The Night of the Sun or the Moon, or on The Day of the Picnic?"
"(Julia) Well, neither."
"(Quentin) Well then, it doesn't count."
"(Julia) D'oh!"


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"(Quentin) Julia. Tell me, do you feel any other presences?"
"(Julia) Like what?"
"(Quentin) Oh, I don't know. Anything at all."
"(Julia) Nothing. But I do know that with every passing clue we get closer and closer to catastrophe."
"(Quentin) How do we KNOW that!!?? For all we know, we've prevented the catastrophe already!"
"(Julia) What? How?"
"(Quentin) Well... Let's see... Maybe by checking in on David and Hallie on The Night of the Sun and the Moon, we prevented the hideous fate that was to befall them... And with their salvation, the rest of the disaster was prevented."
"(Julia) Oh Quentin, that's insane!... I don't know how, but it is."
"(Quentin) Well, I already had a drink to celebrate our success, and it's too late to undrink it."


"(Julia) If we've already won, how come Gerard is still here?"
"(Quentin) I don't know. Maybe he's stewing helplessly over how we foiled all his plans."
"(Julia) By checking in on David and Hallie that night?"
"(Quentin) Well, yeah! Aren't time travellers always changing history without meaning to? I read a story once where a guy just stepped on a Butterfly in prehistoric times, and it changed the entire course of world history!"
"(Julia) By that thinking, if I slug you in the gut, maybe it'll bring about World Peace!"


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(David finds Hallie in the Playroom)
"(David) What are you doing back here??"
"(Hallie) I had to come back! I'm going to be punished!"
"(David) Can I watch?? Er, I mean punished for what? You haven't done anything wrong!"


"(Hallie) Oh, yes I have done something wrong! I went to his ship today."
"(David) Whose ship?"
"(Hallie) Gerard's."
"(David) Who's Gerard?"
"(Hallie) The owner of the ship, of course."
"(David) What ship??"
"(Hallie) Gerard's ship!"
"(David) I hope you do get punished, because I feel like I'm being punished now."


"(David) You're going to be punished for going on a ship?"
"(Hallie) It's what I saw when I went there!"
"(David) what did you see?"
"(Hallie) Perchance, I saw Gerard and Daphne osculating in his cabin."
"(David) Osculating!?"
"(Hallie) It means necking. I'm in 1840, you know. Be glad I didn't say it in Latin."


"(David) Nothing you're saying is making any sense, Hallie!"
"(Hallie) Why do you keep calling me that name??"
"(David) Because you used to get annoyed whenever I called you Blondie."
(Daphne enters
"(Hallie) Daphne! Make him call me by my real name!"
"(David) Daphne? Is that really her name? I thought she was Mary Poppins' Evil Sister."


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"(Hallie) Oh Daphne, I didn't mean to see the both of you! Gerard said I was spying, but I wasn't! I just wanted to explore the ship! I didn't even know there was anyone aboard! That's the truth! Cross my heart and hope to... Well, cross my heart, anyway."


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"(Hallie) You don't believe me, do you? Oh, but it's the truth! I swear it!"
(Daphne stares)
"(Hallie) You don't believe me, do you? All right, then, punish me! Punish me if you must! But punish me yourself! Don't let Gerard punish me! He'll kill me!"
"(David) Then you'll be Hallie "Bury". Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
(Daphne and Hallie look puzzled)
"(David) Geez, nobody gets my jokes."


(Daphne holds out her hand)
"(Hallie) You do believe me! Oh Daphne, thank you! Thank you! Thank you, thank you, thank you!"
(Hallie tries to take Daphne's hand, but her own hands go right through it)
"(Hallie) Well... it's the thought that counts."


THWAP!
(Daphne turns to David and extends her hand)
"(David) All right, all right. I just wanted to see if my pea shooter would work on a ghost."


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(Downstairs, Quentin comes out with a forked stick in his hand)
"(Julia) What's that for? Is your kite stuck in a tree?"
"(Quentin) Julia, iF there are spirits in this house, we, not only owe it to ourselves, but to them to put them at rest once and for all. I'm going to try to exorcise them from this house."
"(Julia) Quentin, no! In the future, Stokes said he performed an exorcism and it almost cost him his life!"
"(Quentin) Well, maybe he botched it. Or waited until it was too late. Or something. Besides, you said I was alive in the future, so if I did try my own exorcism in the past, I didn't die from it."
"(Julia) Yes, but you didn't succeed, either!"
"(Quentin) Well? That just means that this confrontation will end in a Draw. That's a lot better than most of my plans work out."
"(Julia) True."


"(Julia) Shouldn't we tell Barnabas?"
"(Quentin) We don't need him for everything. It's a perfectly simple ceremony."
"(Julia) Simple!? What do you know about it, anyway?"
"(Quentin) I took a correspondence course. I had to draw a cross on a matchbook cover."


"(Quentin) Trust me, I know what I'm doing."
"(Julia) I've got a bad feeling about this."
"(Quentin) Just be prepared. The ceremony is simple, but we don't know what the reaction to it will be."
"(Julia) What do you mean?"
"(Quentin) Even if the ceremony is a success, there may be some kind of disturbance in the house after it's over."
(Quentin turns out the lights)
"(Quentin) But don't worry. I'll be ready for it."
(Quentin starts to walk into the Servant's Quarters, rather than outside)
"(Quentin) Actually, I guess I should have left the lights on until I was ready to leave."
"(Julia) Did I mention I have a bad feeling about this?"


(Quentin and Julia go out to the front porch)
"(Julia) Where do you want to do it?"
"(Quentin) We'll do it right here, right now on the porch."
"(Julia) You know, I've always wanted to hear those words from you, but somehow this isn't like I imagined."


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(Quentin raises his stick to the sky menacingly)
"(Quentin) Whoever you are, and for whatever reason you've come here, the time has come!"
"(Julia) What he said!"
"(Quentin) I don't know who you are or what you want, but I am determined to drive you from the house!"
"(Julia) Right behind you."
"(Quentin) This house will be cleansed of Evil Spirits if we have to lay down our lives in the process!"
"(Julia) Wait a minute. What??"


(Quentin begins chanting)
"(Quentin) I abjure thee, contemptuous and Evil Spirit!..."
(Julia starts thumbing through a dictionary)
"(Julia) Abjure..."
"(Quentin) By the maker of all things! By the judge of the quick and the dead!"
"(Julia) Wait a minute, I know who the Dead are, but who are the Quick?"
"(Quentin) You know. Jesse Owens, Roger Bannister, Carl Lewis, people like that."


"(Quentin) By the maker! And the maker of all things! By him who hath power to put thee into Hell. Depart in haste from the confines of this house!"
"(Julia) Don't forget to throw in a "Hallelujah!"
"(Quentin) Hallelujah!.... Julia, please!!"


(In the playroom, Daphne and Hallie are still egging David onward)
"(Hallie) Come to us! Come to us! Come to us!"
"(David) I'd rather not."
"(Hallie) Oh, don't be a baby. She just wants to hold your hand."
"(David) I don't wanna."
"(Hallie) Don't you want to know all about Gerard and his ship?"
"(David) Yeah, I sort of would like to know that."
"(Hallie) Then just join hands with us, and you'll know everything!"
"(David) Well..."
"(Hallie) Including why you shouldn't have done it."
"(David) D'oh!"


(Outside)
"(Quentin) Thou restless and unquiet shades! Creatures of that nethermost pit where the fire is not quenched! Return to thy winding sheets and set the living free, in the name of the Lord!"
"(Julia) Sigh, he should have opened with a joke..."


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(Up in the Playroom, Daphne gets dizzy)
"(Hallie) What's wrong?? What's happening?"
(Daphne holds her hand to her forehead in pain and rushes out)
"(Hallie) This is all your fault!"
"(David) It's my fault a ghost got a headache!?"
"(Hallie) I don't know how, but it is!"
"(David) Too bad she didn't have that when Gerard tried to kiss her."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


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"(Hallie) Someone's coming! We're going to be punished!"
"(David) There's nobody else here."
"(Hallie) Yes there is! Someone else here who's angry with us! They're going to punish us! "(David) There's nobody here."
"(Hallie) Yes there is! Something's going to happen!"
"(David) No, it's not!"
(Hallie screams and collapses)
"(David) Oh, all right! Do you have to be right about everything??"


(out front, Quentin is still at it)
"(Quentin) Alien spirits! Defilers of innocence! Persecutors of virtue! In the name of the Lord, cast thyselves into the outer darkness from whence ye came!"
"(Julia) And if that doesn't work, you should at least be able to find underground water with that thing."


(Quentin lowers his stick)
"(Julia) What's wrong? Did you run out of King James cliches?"
"(Quentin) Wait here, I'll be right back."
"(Julia) What are you going to do? Open a branch office?"


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(Quentin goes inside to see Daphne staring at him from the landing)
"(Daphne) What's a big idea trying to exorcise me? Do I go around pouring out your brandy?" *
* She doesn't actually say this, but the meaning of the look is clear.


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(In the Playroom)
"(David) Hallie? Hallie, can you hear me? Wake up!"
(catches a glimpse of her legs)
"(David) Uh, in your own good time, of course."


(Hallie comes to)
"(Hallie) Oooh, what happened? I didn't expect to wake up on the floor until I was at least 15."
"(David) Come on, let me help you up."
"(Hallie) Oooh!"
"(David) What's wrong?"
"(Hallie) My arm! It hurts when I go like this."
"(David) Then don't go like that."


(Hallie gets up and notices her get up)
"(Hallie) What the... Why am I wearing this dress again??"
"(David) Don't you know?"
"(Hallie) Did you put me into this?"
"(David) You have GOT to be kidding me, Pyle! On a show like this, you shouldn't even be able to SAY that!"


"(Hallie) Well, why does my arm hurt?"
"(David) You must have bumped it when you fainted."
"(Hallie) I don't remember fainting. I don't remember wearing this!"
"(David) Well, never mind that now, we've got bigger things to find out."
"(Hallie) Like what?"
"(David) Like who Daphne and Gerard are. And what they want from us. And who put that Kick Me sign on your back."
"(Hallie) Hmph, I bet I could hazard a guess on that last one!"


(Downstairs)
"(Julia) Quentin? Everything okay in here?"
"(Quentin) Peachy. Why do you ask?"
"(Julia) You just abandoned the exorcism and came back inside. Did something go wrong?"
"(Quentin) No, but just because you never see it on TV doesn't mean that people don't sometimes have to visit that little room!"


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"(Julia) Shall we go back out and... you know, get our exorcise?"
"(Quentin) Let's not. I think that if there are spirits at large in this house, that they don't mean anyone any harm."
"(Julia) What do you mean by that?"
"(Quentin) I mean they don't want to hurt us! Wasn't that plain?"
"(Julia) If they don't want to hurt us, why was the house destroyed in 1995?"
"(Quentin) I don't know! Maybe it was destroyed by something completely different! The ghosts get blamed for everything that goes wrong around here, and I for one am sick of it!"


(David and Hallie come downstairs)
"(David) Dr. Hoffman? Hallie hurt her arm."
"(Julia) How did that happen?"
"(David) Well, we were running down the corridor, and she fell."
"(Julia) Haven't I told you kids not to go roughhousing? I told you something like this would happen!"
"(David) Actually, you said it would be a lot worse. She was holding a pair of scissors at the time."


"(Julia) Here, let me look at it."
"(Hallie) Is it broken??"
"(Julia) I haven't looked at it yet! Does it hurt when you do this?"
"(Hallie) Yes."
"(Julia) Then don't do that.... Sorry, just a little bedside manner humor there."
"(Hallie) Yeah, I've heard that one before."
"(Julia) Well, I've got good news for you. It's not broken, just a slight sprain. And... Say, what's this wrong with your other arm here?"
"(Hallie) David said it was called an Indian Burn."


"(Julia) Go wait for me in the Drawing Room, kids."
(David and Hallie leave)
"(Julia) There, you see? You see??"
"(Quentin) See what?"
"(Julia) You said the spirits didn't mean any harm. Well, there's the proof that you're wrong."
"(Quentin) Oh, bushwa!"
"(Julia) Don't you see? The spirits were aware that you did the exorcism, and caused a minor accident to warn you to knock it off."
"(Quentin) Some minor accident. A Band-aid and it'll be fine."
"(Julia) Band-aid?? Hallie's going to have her arm in a sling for a few days because of this!"
"(Quentin) Oh, Hallie! Sorry, I thought you meant the splinter I got from that stick."


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"(Quentin) I'm not even convinced Hallie's accident had anything to do the exorcism."
"(Julia) How can you say that?"
"(Quentin) You're letting your imagination run away with you. Somebody trips while running with scissors, and you think the ghosts did it."
"(Julia) Quentin. I don't have any proof at all, but I have a very strong conviction that I am right and you are wrong."
"(Quentin) Big deal, that's right most of the time!"


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(Later, David and Hallie return to the Playroom)
"(Hallie) This is getting serious, David. Dr. Hoffman said my arm is going to be in this sling for the next two days!"
"(David) That's nothing. My butt is going to be in her sling when she finds what I put in her purse."


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"(Hallie) David, why are we back here again?"
"(David) I told you there were things we had to find out. We're going to do that with a séance."
"(Hallie) A séance??"
"(David) Yes. Just the two of us. Here in this room."
"(Hallie) Who would we try to contact in this séance?"
"(David) I dunno, how about Ben Franklin? I've always kind of admired him."


"(Hallie) How is Ben Franklin supposed to help us with our problem here?"
"(David) Oh yeah, you're right. He probably couldn't. Well, we'll just summon one of the ghosts in the house then and ask them to explain what's going on."
"(Hallie) If they won't tell us now, what makes you think they will if we hold a séance?"
"(David) Well... even if they don't, if we summon Carrie, then at least you won't become her again, because she can't be in two places at once."
"(Hallie) Unless she speaks through me."
"(David) Oh yeah, I hadn't thought of that."


(David starts arranging chairs around a table)
"(Hallie) But I don't know anything about séances!"
"(David) It's easy, I've seen the grownups do it lots of times. One time this guy named Dr. Guthrie did it and made my governess, Miss Winters, speak French. And she didn't know French!"
"(Hallie) How's it work?"
"(David) We form a circle around this table, light a single candle rather than curse the darkness, and chant for the spirits to appear to us."
"(Hallie) Do you know the right words to use?"
"(David) Nah, they're just bull. You can just ad lib any old thing."
"(Hallie) Really?"
"(David) Yeah. One time Joe Haskell got a ghost to appear, just by reading his toothpaste tube."


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(David turns out the lights and lights the candle)
"(Hallie) I don't know whether I want to. I'm scared."
"(David) There's nothing to be afraid of if you do exactly what I tell you."
"(Hallie) What if I don't do as you say?"
"(David) Don't worry. If that happens, I'm the one who's going to be in trouble."
"(Hallie) Really?"
"(David) Yeah. I'm going to have to think up some way to explain what happened to you."


"(Hallie) Can't we do this some place else?"
"(David) Like where?"
"(Hallie) How about the corner of 5th and Main? At noon!"
"(David) We've got to do it here. This is where the ghosts like. Now, put your hands on the table, and touch my fingertips."
"(Hallie) Okay." "(David) The important thing is that we don't break contact."
"(Hallie) what does our holding hands do?"
"(David) It makes us look like nice people! If you were a ghost, would you want to come visit a couple of grumps?"


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(David starts chanting)
"(David) We seek the spirits who know about this room! The spirits who will tell us what we must know! There are questions that have to be answered! Give us a sign! Give us a sign!"
(David gets a bucket of water over the head)
"(Hallie) What kind of sign is that?"
"(David) It can mean only one thing! Tad and Carrie are Devil Tots too!"
(fade to black)


"(Bob Lloyd) Kids, don't try to hold a séance at home without your parents permission. ABC and Dan Curtis Productions cannot be responsible for the results of such attempts."


"(Ken McEwen) Remember what we said about séances? The same goes for exorcisms."


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"(Bob Lloyd) In this show she's been a lot more like Scarecrow than Mrs. King."


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          Episode 1079:   Quentin stops Daphne from stabbing him to death, telling her he wants to help her rest in peace.