David Gets a New Toy!
"Time's almost up, Hallie. Pop another quarter in this thing!"


David and Hallie Learn More About the Mysterious Ship!
"The Java Queen?"
"Yes, it was carrying a load of applets to Silicon Valley when it crashed... I mean sank."


Hallie Blows Her Own Horn!

Today on Dark Shadows...


Hallie Wins a Drinking Contest!


Sebastian Gets a New Clock!
"How does this thing work?"
"Well, the Big Hand is on the one..."


The Java Queen Model Gets Damaged!
"Didn't this ship use to have three masts?"
"It had a mastectomy."


Episode 1080

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, Joan Bennett, Nancy Barrett, Christopher Pennock
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Carolyn Hawkes. In the Present Day, Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman have returned to Collinwood after a terrifying experience in the year 1995. There, they learned that a disaster occurred at Collinwood in the year 1970. But both of them have decided to step aside for this episode that somebody else can get a few scenes for a change."


"(Carolyn) Since their return, there has been no indication of an impending catastrophe. Unless you count a mysterious disappearing playroom, a dead governess, a sinister, malevolent spirit, clothes and model ships that appear out of thin air, and a local astrologer who looks just like the leader of the now-defunct Leviathan Cult. But all those things could just be coincidence."


(In the Playroom, David and Hallie are preparing for a seance)
"(Hallie) Should we sit Boy-Girl-Boy-Girl?"
"(David) Like we have a choice!"


"(David) The important thing is that we don't break contact. Do you understand?"
"(Hallie) No. What does contact mean?"
"(David) Our fingers must touch at all times."
"(Hallie) Oh, I see."
(pause)
"(Hallie) If I find that this was all just an excuse to hold hands, I'm gonna slug you!"


"(David) We seek the spirits who know about this room! The spirits will tell us what we want to know! There are questions that must be answered!"
"(Hallie) Ask if they can help us with those Math problems Maggie assigned you."
"(David) Hallie, please!"


"(David) If you're here, please give us a sign! If you're here, give us a sign! Why are you so disturbed, spirits? What is it you want from us? Give us a sign!"
(As the wind whips up, David goes into a trance and begins moaning)
"(David) Ooooh! Ahhhh! Oooooooooooh!!"
"(David's Voice) Let us live! Let us live!"
"(David) Oooooooooooh!!"
"(Hallie) From the sounds of it, you already are living."


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(the ghostly voice echoes from around the room)
"(Ghostly Voice) Let us live! Let us live!"
"(Hallie) Hey, we're not stopping you!"


(the sounds subside)
"(Hallie) David! David, that voice we just heard! It was your voice! But your lips weren't moving! How is that possible?"
(David doesn't answer)
"(Hallie) Do it again, and this time drink a glass of water."


(David sits unmoving)
"(Hallie) David, speak to me! Tell me why you're staring at me like that!... Apart from the obvious, of course. (Blush)
David, speak to me! David, please!"
(As Hallie breaks the circle, David falls face first onto the table, and doesn't move)
"(Hallie) David, if you're faking this, I'm going to knock your block off!"


(Downstairs, Liz is going through Sebastian's folder again)
"(Liz) Let's see. According to my horoscope, I shouldn't take any advice today."


(Carolyn enters)
"(Carolyn) You're being very religious about reading that horoscope every day."
"(Liz) If you paid what I paid for it, you'd want to get your money's worth too. Besides, I still have to find out who's right about the future: Barnabas or Sebastian."
"(Carolyn) I thought you were convinced that Sebastian was."
"(Liz) I was, but today's entry seems a little confused. It says today will pass without incident, but be wary of tensions and crises during the night."
"(Carolyn) Well, there's nothing contradictory in that. It just means that nothing interesting will happen until after you go to bed."
"(Liz) I wonder what tensions and crises could face me then?"
"(Carolyn) You just went on a diet, didn't you?"
"(Liz) Yes."
"(Carolyn) Mystery solved."


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"(Liz) Carolyn, it's likely that Sebastian was referring a crisis more serious than a piece of pie in the fridge at midnight."
"(Carolyn) Maybe he's made a mistake."
"(Liz) He said that might happen. And said not to panic if everything didn't go as the horoscope said. He said if that happened, he'd recalculate his figures and adjust the rest of the horoscope."
"(Carolyn) His figures!? Is Astrology an Exact Science now?"
"(Liz) I think he meant how much more I'd owe him."
"(Carolyn) Ah!"


"(Carolyn) Maybe I should call him and have my own horoscope done."
"(Liz) I don't think that would be a good idea."
"(Carolyn) Why not?"
"(Liz) You know perfectly well why not!"
"(Carolyn) Mother, if you can have your horoscope done..."
"(Liz) Carolyn. You've never been interested in horoscopes or astrology before, and you're not now."
"(Carolyn) Well, neither have you."
"(Liz) I had a serious reason for wanting my horoscope done!"
"(Carolyn) Yeah, right. To see if two time travellers were right that your house was going to be overrun by the undead before Boxing Day."
"(Liz) It's a genuine reason, certainly.... And just because I can't say it without cracking a smile doesn't mean it's not serious."


"(Carolyn) How do you know I'm not upset too?"
"(Liz) By what?"
"(Carolyn) This disaster affects me too! Barnabas and Julia said that I was going to become a crazi old hag, and... well, actually that's enough by itself. For a medical problem it's common to get a second opinion, isn't it?"
"(Liz) Yes, but not from the same doctor! If you want to see if your horoscope shows a disaster, fine. Get a different astrologer."
"(Carolyn) Where am I going to find another one?"
"(Liz) Check the yellow Pages. They're under either Q for Quack or P for Pseudo-Science, I forget."


"(Carolyn) I'd rather get mine done by Mr. Shaw, mother. We already know that he found no disasters in your future. I want to see if he finds anything different for me."
"(Sebastian) Your interest in Mr. Shaw is confined to having him examine your Love Line."
"(Carolyn) You're always making me sound flighty and superficial, mother. I'm interested in important issues too, you know."
"(Liz) Rubbish. Remember when that reporter asked you what you thought about the possibility of nuclear war, and you said you were worried that they'd pre-empt Search For Tomorrow to report it?"
"(Carolyn) Mother, I'm serious! I genuinely want to know what the stars have to say about my future!"
"(Liz) I'm the star of this show and I say go to your room!"


"(Liz) You only want to see Mr. Shaw because you think he's really Jeb Hawkes. Well, he's not."
"(Carolyn) How do you know?"
"(Liz) If he was Jeb, wouldn't he tell you?"
"(Carolyn) Maybe he doesn't know himself! Maybe it's like he's got amnesia and I've got to restore him with a kiss... or maybe something more than that."
"(Liz) It's nothing like that! His name is Sebastian Shaw, and it always has been!"
"(Carolyn) But how do you know that?"
"(Liz) Because I saw a newspaper article from two months before Jeb died, saying that Sebastian had been picked up by the Bunko Squad!... (Wait a minute...)"


"(Carolyn) Mother. Soon after Jeb died, I had a dream. In the dream it, I saw Jeb. And he told me that one day he would come back to me. He said I might not be able to understand it. But that it would happen, and when it did, I would know it."
"(Liz) Carolyn, I had a dream that you were going to get a job, but that doesn't mean it's going to happen!"
"(Carolyn) Jeb said he'd be here, and here he is. That's no coincidence."
"(Liz) Right, and I'm Naomi Collins! Believe it or not, sometimes different people DO have the same face on this show! Professor Stokes looks exactly like our old gardener Matthew Morgan, but you never saw me ask the Professor to trim the azaleas, did you?"
"(Carolyn) No, but you never asked Matthew to, either. He always used to eat them."


"(Liz) The subject is closed, Carolyn. I must insist that you stay away from Sebastian?"
"(Carolyn) Mother, are you forbidding me to see him?"
"(Liz) No, I'm thinking what is best for you. Let's leave it at that."
"(Carolyn) Best for me? How?"
"(Liz) Think about this for a while. How would you like it if he was Jeb, but you found that all your charger plates had been cut up?"


(After Liz leaves, Carolyn picks up Sebastian's business card from the horoscope)
"(Carolyn) Did she think that would stop me? I'm not considered the Bad Girl on this show because I cast spells and summon the Undead, you know!"


(Carolyn goes over to a peculiar looking black plastic box with some kind of clear round plastic dial on it, sticks her finger into one of the holes, and turns that plastic thing around in a clockwise motion) *
* The script says it's a phone but it doesn't look like any phone I ever saw!


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(In the Playroom)
"(Hallie) David, you've got to wake up? David, can't you hear me?? Speak to me!"
(David wakes up and sees an attractive blonde girl bending over him)
"(David) Am I in Heaven?"


"(Hallie) No, you're not in Heaven!..."
(fluffs her hair)
"(Hallie) Not exactly. Don't you remember? We were sitting here in the dark when you passed out? Do you remember why we were here?"
"(David) Wait, yes. I remember. We were sitting here in the dark... waiting."
"(Hallie) And?"
"(David) I don't know. Did The Great Pumpkin ever come?"
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


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"(Hallie) We weren't waiting for The Great Pumpkin! We were waiting for the ghosts!"
"(David) Oh. Did they come?"
"(Hallie) Well, kind of. You started moaning and writhing, and I heard a voice talking."
"(David) It's coming back to me now."
"(Hallie) The voice said to Let us Live."
"(David) Well, go ahead! We're not stopping him."
"(Hallie) That was my line."


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"(Hallie) David, this has gone far enough! We've got to go downstairs right now and tell your Aunt Elizabeth all about this room!"
"(David) What? We can't do that!"
"(Hallie) We've got to!"
"(David) Do you realize how much trouble we'll get in?"
"(Hallie) David, what's worse? Getting possessed or getting spanked?"
"(David) You haven't seen Aunt Elizabeth's whacker."


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"(Hallie) I don't care. This thing has gone too far!"
"(David) There's nothing we can do about it."
"(Hallie) David, what's going on up here is dangerous! We don't know what will happen to us if we don't tell anybody."
"(David) We don't know what will happen to us if we DO! We're not telling Aunt Elizabeth, and that's final!"
"(Hallie) All right... But so help me, David, if this gets us killed, I'll never speak to you again!"


"(Bob Lloyd) Next morning, the house is as pretty as a postcard."
"(Dan Curtis) That's kind of an unfortunate analogy."


(Next morning, David and Hallie get back together)
"(Hallie) Mrs. Johnson said you wanted to see me."
"(David) Yes, I've been thinking about what happened last night."
"(Hallie) I don't think that's possible."
"(David) Why not?"
"(Hallie) I don't know. I just think that what's happening up there is beyond ours or anybody's understanding."
"(David) Let's not get carried away here, Hallie... We're talking about ghosts, not pre-calculus."


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"(David) All these things have a meaning. The ghost lady. The ship. The way these things just appear. The clothes we've both been given. And the voice at the seance."
"(Hallie) What do they mean?"
"(David) I don't know, but they mean SOmETHING."
"(Hallie) Well, that's a comfort."
"(David) I've decided that you're right. We should tell Aunt Elizabeth."
"(Hallie) What? What changed your mind?"
"(David) Well, what you said. That room is dangerous..."
"(Hallie) True."
"(David) Besides, if we do get possessed by Tad and Carrie, they'll get the spanking instead of us."


"(David) Are you coming?"
"(Hallie) You don't have to ask me twice! Gee, you must have been up all night agonizing about this. You're still wearing the same clothes from the last scene... I mean from last night."
"(David) You look like you were up all night too. You're still wearing the same dress."
"(Hallie) No, but I had no choice about that."
"(David) What do you mean No Choice?"
"(Hallie) This is the only outfit I have that matches my sling."


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(As David and Hallie go downstairs to talk to Liz, we wish to call your attention to the fact that the Java Queen model is on the desk in David's room. This is of absolutely no importance at all, but make a note of it just in case it is)


(Carolyn comes downstairs)
"(Carolyn) Hi, mother!"
"(Liz) Morning, Darling."
"(Carolyn) What's the horoscope for today?"
"(Liz) Avoid surfing, para-sailing, and deep sea fishing."
"(Carolyn) But you never do any of those things!"
"(Liz) Well then, it'll be easy to keep."


"(Carolyn) If you don't need me for anything, I'm going to go into town and shop till I drop."
"(Liz) Must you, Carolyn? We just paid your Mastercard bill down last month."
"(Carolyn) Well, why not? It's not like I have a horoscope telling me not to, or anything."
"(Liz) Hmm... Well, you may not have a horoscope, but if you max out your cards one more time, you're going to be seeing stars just the same."


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(After Carolyn leaves, David and Hallie come out of hiding)
"(David) You tell her."
"(Hallie) No, you tell her!"
"(David) I'm not going to tell her! You tell her!"
"(Hallie) I'm not going to tell her..."
"(David) Hey! Let's get Mikey! He tells everything!"
"(Hallie) Who the heck is Mikey??????"


"(Liz) Oh, kids. I didn't hear you come in."
"(David) Aunt Elizabeth?"
"(Hallie) David has something to tell you!"
"(David) Thanks a lot."
"(Liz) Of course. Is something wrong?"
"(David) Well, kind of. Something terrible has happened in the West Wing."
"(Liz) Something Naughty Terrible, or something Hanky-Panky Terrible?"
"(David) Kind of Naughty Terrible."
"(Liz) Thank goodness. At your age, that kind is starting to look better and better."


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"(Liz) What happened?"
"(David) Well, we were in the West Wing exploring..."
"(Liz) You know you're not supposed to be there."
"(Hallie) It was his idea."
"(David) If you're not going to tell her, will you just shut up??"


"(Liz) Well, what's happened? Do I need to call the Fire Department, Ambulance, or what?"
"(David) Well, it's like this..."
(David and Hallie are aghast to see that the Java Queen Model beat them downstairs and is on the desk!)
"(David) Oh..."
"(Hallie) My..."
"(David) Do you know any swear words?"
"(Hallie) No, do you?"
"(David) No, but this seems like the perfect occasion to learn some."
"(Hallie) Son of a seabiscuit!"
"(David) That's not profane."
"(Hallie) It'll have to do!"


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"(Liz) What's wrong with you kids? Are you going to tell me or not?"
"(David) Oh, yes! Yes, of course."
"(Liz) You know you're not supposed to go there."
"(David) Yes, I know. But we had kind of an accident there."
"(Liz) What kind of accident?"
"(David) I, uh... broke a vase."
"(Liz) That doesn't sound so bad."
"(Hallie) He broke it over my head."


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"(David) I did not! You see, I was chasing Hallie around this desk."
"(Liz) Chasing her around a desk?"
"(Hallie) You've heard of Cowboys and Indians? We were playing Bosses and Secretaries."


"(David) Were were playing and I knocked over this vase. It looked as though it might be a family heirloom. so I thought I should tell you about it."
"(Liz) Well, I appreciate your honesty, David. I don't know of anything particularly valuable I have stored in the West Wing, but this must never happen again. Is that clear?"
"(David) Clear."
"(Liz) You seemed awfully upset a minute ago. Are you sure that's all you wanted to tell me?"
"(David) Isn't that enough?"
"(Hallie) We could go break something else."
"(Liz) Never mind!"


(Liz leaves)?
"(David) I couldn't tell her."
"(Hallie) Neither could I."
"(David) I was too scared."
"(Hallie) So was I. As soon as I saw THAT! What's it doing here?"
"(David) Obviously the ghosts brought us down to show what would happen to us if we tried to tell anyone."
"(Hallie) Oh... What will happen to us, exactly. I kind of missed the message."
"(David) So did I, but if ghosts are going it, it's got to be something bad."


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(At Sebastian's Pad, Sebastian shows Carolyn some of his hand-me-downs)


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"(Sebastian) Do you mind if I ask you why you want your horoscope done, Miss Stoddard?"
"(Carolyn) It's Mrs. Hawkes, and does one need a special reason for a horoscope?"
"(Sebastian) Not if you're just reading one in a newspaper, but paying to commission one is another story."
"(Carolyn) Not when you're as rich as a Collins, Mr. Shaw. My motives probably aren't too different from people who read them in the paper. Um, in your experience, who DO people read them in the paper?"
"(Sebastian) They'd wanted to do the crossword puzzle and their pencil broke."


"(Sebastian) I'm not usually prone to making horoscopes to satisfy some whim, or dilettante curiosity."
"(Carolyn) It's not just a whim. Like everyone else at Collinwood, I'm interested in the future. And I wanted some way of showing how serious I am."
"(Sebastian) By getting a horoscope."
"(Carolyn) Not just a horoscope. A professional horoscope from an accomplished astrologer. I'm sure that a horoscope from someone with your credentials would be most serious indeed. You are accredited, aren't you?"
"(Sebastian) I have a B.S. from The University of Astrology and Elvis Impersonation."


"(Sebastian) I hope you realize that I am an astrologer, not a prophet. I read the stars, I do not write them."
"(Carolyn) Well, of course I understand that... Er, what does it mean?"
"(Sebastian) It means that I can tell you what the stars have in store for you, but I can't change or alter it to your liking."
"(Carolyn) Can I change it?"
"(Sebastian) Of course not. What the stars decree is what shall happen."
"(Carolyn) Well, if I can't change anything, what's the point of buying a high-priced horoscope to know about it?"
(pause)
"(Sebastian) Oh, change it! Of course you can change it! The stars only tell what will happen if you don't change it."


"(Sebastian) Of course, that's what Astrology is for. So that the Enlightened can change the suggestions of the stars. Those are for people who don't know enough to try to change them."
"(Carolyn) I see. Tell me, Mr. Shaw. Where are you from?"
"(Sebastian) New York City."
"(Carolyn) New York City???"
"(Sebastian) What is this? a Pace Picante Sauce commercial all of a sudden??"


"(Sebastian) What's wrong with New York City?"
"(Carolyn) Nothing, that's just where Jeb... I mean I just got so used to hearing it called New Amsterdam all though Parallel Time that it sounds funny hearing it called New York again. How long have you lived in Collinsport?"
"(Sebastian) Oh... less than a year."
"(Carolyn) Do you plan to stay?"
"(Sebastian) I might. Seaside towns are cool. And I like Spit in the Ocean."
"(Carolyn) Oh, you play a lot of poker, do you?"
"(Sebastian) No, I just like to spit in the ocean."


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(Meanwhile, David enters the Playroom, and sets down the ship)
"(Ghostly Voice) Don't scuff the tabletop."
"(David) Don't worry, I... Yaaaah!!!!"
(runs out)


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(Back at Sebastian's Pad)
"(Carolyn) ...And so you never... (and this is probably a stupid question) you never joined a group of underground Leviathan cultists, and tried to take over the world or anything like that, did you?"
"(Sebastian) Um, not that I recall, no."


"(Carolyn) I appreciate your giving me so much of your time, Mr. Shaw."
"(Sebastian) Well, I like to learn as much as I can about the people I work with, Mrs. Hawkes."
"(Carolyn) When will the horoscope be ready?"
"(Sebastian) It's difficult to tell. I never know whether charting the stars will be easy or difficult."
"(Carolyn) Well, doesn't your own horoscope tell you?"
"(Sebastian) Don't get cute."


"(Carolyn) I can't imagine my horoscope would be very difficult. I'm a very simple person. I shop, I drop, I... that's about it, really."
"(Sebastian) Astrology is deceptive. The simple seeming person may be a much more complex, dynamic, deep thinking individual than they seem at first glance."
"(Carolyn) You know, something I've never understood about Astrology is how there can be a sign for Gemini, but not a sign for Mercury or Apollo."
"(Sebastian) ..And on the other hand, some people are exactly what they seem."


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"(Carolyn) When would you like me to stop by and get the horoscope?"
"(Sebastian) Well, if you like, I could hand deliver it straight to Collinwood."
"(Carolyn) Er, I'd rather come pick it up here. It gives me an excuse to get out."
"(Sebastian) I see. Is your mother aware that your'e here."
"(Carolyn) Mr. Shaw, I am well above the age of consent."
"(Sebastian) I see."
"(Carolyn) (coyly) And, knowing that, is there anything you'd like me to consent to?"


"(Sebastian) I take it that your mother did not approve of your coming here?"
"(Carolyn) Let's just say she'll get over it."
"(Sebastian) Mrs Hawkes, I prefer not to get involved in any family quarrels."
"(Carolyn) No one's asking you to get involved, I just want my horoscope done."
"(Sebastian) I see. Well then, in that case, I shall call on you tomorrow. If possible."
"(Carolyn) If possible?"
"(Sebastian) I may get occupied if someone else needs my help."
"(Carolyn) You know, for a hippie, in many ways you're a real Boy Scout."


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(At Collinwood)
"(Hallie) Mrs. Stoddard?"
"(Liz) Oh, hello, Hallie."
"(Hallie) Have you seen David?"
"(Liz) I think he's up in his room."
"(Hallie) No, he's not."
"(Liz) Well, I hope he's not in the West Wing again!"
"(Hallie) Oh no, I'm sure he wouldn't go back there."
"(Liz) Perhaps we'd better go look for him."
"(Hallie) Oh, there's no need for that. I'm sure he's just in the Study or some place. I wouldn't want to interrupt your... what are you doing, exactly?"
"(Liz) Sitting here, staring into the fire."
"(Hallie) Well, no need to stop until you're done."


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(As Hallie leaves, Liz picks up her favorite prop again)
"(Liz) Hmm, this is disquieting. Beware of blonde girls, who are looking for either their playmates or their bowl of porridge."


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(Liz hears Carolyn return)
"(Liz) Hello, darling. Did anything happen in town?"
"(Carolyn) No, darnit."


"(Liz) Where are all your purchases? Out in the car?"
"(Carolyn) No, I didn't buy anything today."
"(Liz) Carolyn, are you feeling all right?"
"(Carolyn) Of course I am. I just didn't see anything that struck my fancy."
(Carolyn goes upstairs)
"(Liz) Well, now I know what my horoscope meant by today's entry: Don't ask, you wouldn't believe it."


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(Hallie returns to the Playroom, and finds David in 19th century dress, sitting on a rocking horse)
"(Hallie) David, what's the matter with you?"
(David doesn't answer)
"(Hallie) What are you doing here sitting on a hobby horse, with that carousel playing?"
(David doesn't answer)
"(Hallie) And don't tell me you want to hear some "Rock" music!"


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"(Hallie) You now you're not supposed to be here! You gave your Aunt Elizabeth your word you wouldn't come here!" (David rocks silently)
"(Hallie) All right, stay here if you want! I'm leaving!"
(David rocks silently)
"(Hallie) I mean it! I'm leaving!"
(David rocks silently)
"(Hallie) Are you coming?"
(David rocks silently)
"(Hallie) I'm leaving whether you're coming or not!"
(David rocks silently)
"(Hallie) I mean it!"
(David rocks silently)
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


(After Hallie leaves, David removes two ear plugs)


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(Hallie leaves the Playroom, only to find David standing outside in normal clothes)
"(Hallie) What? How? Who?... How can you be out here when you're in there??"
"(David) You're a fine one to talk. Didn't that sling used to be on the other arm?"
"(Hallie) D'oh!"
(fade to black)


"(Liz) You know, this whole storyline of me sitting around reading my horoscope must be getting a little dull. I hope that some of the other players have got some kind of storyline going by now."


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087.jpg missing
"(Dan Curtis) He is not!"


"(Bob Lloyd) David Stoddard as David Hawkes Henesy... or something like that."


"(Ken McEwen) And Kathy Cody, as The Beaver!"


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          Episode 1080:   Hallie becomes frightened after the spirit of Tad Collins speaks through David during a seance.