Dark Shadows Breaks the 4th Wall!

Special Guest Star: The Queen of Clubs!

The Collinsport Players Do Hogan's Heroes!
"Thirty days in ze cooler! DIS.....missed!"

Today on Dark Shadows...

Collinwood Holds a White Elephant Gift Exchange!

McDonalds Gives Away Dark Shadows Devil Tot Dolls With Each Happy Meal!
"David and AMY?"
"I guess they haven't had time to change the names yet."

Sebastian Visits a Singles Bar!
"Fifteen hours and not a nibble. I wonder if the roller rink is open?"

Episode 1083

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, Thayer David, Christopher Pennock, Donna Wandrey
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Professor Timothy Eliot Stokes. Collinwood in the strange and disturbing world of Parallel Time..."
"No, no, we're done with that!"
"(Professor Stokes) I'm terribly sorry. Seeing Roxanne yesterday must have made me flash back."

"(Professor Stokes) The great house at Collinwood in the present time. Only Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman and I know that Collinwood is going to suffer a major disaster before the year is out... Although with the history of this place, most people probably assume it anyway..."

(Hallie is standing outside the Playroom waiting for her cue)
"(Professor Stokes) Barnabas and Julia have six clues to go on, and so far have only muffed the first three of them. One of these clues concerns a mysterious place called Rose Cottage. Thus far, no one they have talked to has any idea what or where Rose Cottage is. On this night, the two people who are in the greatest danger of all, the children, will find out."
"(Hallie) Finished?"
"(Professor Stokes) It's all yours. Action!"


(David approaches)
"(David) What are you doing here?"
"(Hallie) I had a dream."
"(David) About Rose Cottage?"
"(Hallie) How did you know?"
"(David) I had the same dream."
"(Hallie) The same dream?"
"(David) Well, assuming that all the other events were the same, of course."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"

"(David) In my dream, I went to Rose Cottage, and you took me to a birthday party with two mannequins."
"(Hallie) That's the same as my dream, except you took me! And there was this big head at the window."
"(David) In my dream it was Daphne."
"(Hallie) In mine it was some strange man with a sneer from here to here. What does it mean??"
"(David) I know one thing it means: Around here ALWAYS pull your drapes!"

(When David and Hallie enter the Playroom, they find a large dollhouse on a table in the middle)
"(Hallie) What this doing here? It wasn't here before."
"(David) Are you sure it wasn't on the other side of the room all the time? You know, out of shot but still here?"
"(Hallie) Oh no, I'd have noticed something as cute as this."
"(David) It's not supposed to be cute! It's supposed to be scary!"
"(Hallie) Well, pardon me for not getting scared fast enough, David!"

(the lights come on in the dollhouse)
"(David) Look! There's Ken and Barbie from our dream!"
"(Hallie) Are you sure it's them?"
"(David) Yes. Look! They've even got that plastic cake from the dream with them. The cake has some words on it. "Eat Me". I wonder what that means?"
"(Hallie) Either we're being insulted, or we're in the wrong story all of a sudden."




"(Hallie) David, how did that thing get here?"
"(David) Er... probably the same way the ship model got down into the Drawing Room."
"(Hallie) And how did the ship model get to the Drawing Room?"
"(David) The same way the dollhouse got here! I dunno!"
"(Hallie) Okay, then let's think about this reasonably, David. We've got to figure out three things. a) Where this house came from. b) Why the dolls inside look like us, c) Why we both had the same dream..."
"(David) And d) Why we both haven't run away and joined the circus yet."

"(Hallie) I think I know what it means!"
"(David) What?"
"(Hallie) Don't you understand?? We didn't know it but we were in the dollhouse in that dream! That means we're going to end up there in real life too!"
"(David) In that little thing?"
"(Hallie) They mean to shrink us down to size, just like in the dream! David, I'm scared! Aren't you?"
"(David) I've had worse..."
"(Hallie) Worse??"
"(David) When Quentin's ghost was taking over the house, he never offered to get Amy and me our own place!"

"(Hallie) David? David, you know what this house is, don't you?"
"(David) It must be that place that Dr. Hoffman and Barnabas are looking for."
"(Hallie) Rose Cottage."
"(David) But maybe not."
"(Hallie) What do you mean "maybe not"? What else could it be?"
"(David) It doesn't really look like a Cottage, you know. It's too big. It looks more like a mansion."
"(Hallie) Yeah, well what do you expect them to call it? Rose Condo?"


"(Hallie) I still say it's Rose Cottage. And I vote we go into Full Panic Mode!"
"(David) For once I'm inclined to agree. What's frightening me is the feeling I have."
"(Hallie) Fright usually is a feeling, yes."
"(David) Yeah, but I feel just like I did in the dream."
"(Hallie) How was that?"
"(David) Like wherever it was, we belonged there."
"(Hallie) Did you notice how the lights came on in the dollhouse just as we entered the room?"
"(David) Yeah. I hope the air conditioning didn't come on too. With one wall missing, they don't want to pay to air condition the whole neighborhood."


"(David) Did you feel like we belonged there in your dream?"
"(Hallie) Yes. I even remember thinking how nice it would be to have two mannequins as roommates. There'd never be a line for the bathroom."
"(David) And now… now I have the feeling that whatever's happening to us, we'll never understand. Not until it's too late... Assuming it isn't already."
"(Hallie) David? How would a dollhouse from 1840 have electric lighting?"
"(David) Shh!"


(In the Drawing Room, Stokes is boning up on Astrology too)
"(Professor Stokes) (reading) 'Those born under the sign of Leo include famous extroverts Benito Mussolini, Napoleon Bonaparte and Fidel Castro. Also that dancing spy chick, Mata Hari.' Dancing spy chick??? Who wrote this thing???"

(Hallie enters)
"(Hallie) Oh, hi Uncle Eliot!"
"(Professor Stokes) I've told you before, Hallie! "Hi" is not a word any more than "Groovy" is! Now, greet me properly, the way you've been taught."
"(Hallie) Greetings and felicitations, good Uncle, and welcome to our humble abode. (curtsy)"
"(Professor Stokes) That's better."

"(Hallie) I didn't know you were here, Uncle Eliot."
"(Professor Stokes) Just waiting to see Julia Hoffman. Come in, Hallie. I'd like to talk to you for a moment."
"(Hallie) What about?"
"(Professor Stokes) "About what". I've been a bit concerned about your emotional state ever since you arrived at Collinwood, my dear."
"(Hallie) Uncle Eliot, my emotional state is as good as it's ever been."
"(Professor Stokes) That's what worries me."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"

"(Hallie) What are you talking about?"
"(Professor Stokes) Well, has anything happened to make you unhappy since you came here?"
"(Hallie) Gosh, no. Why would you ask that?"
"(Professor Stokes) I don't know, exactly. You just seemed a bit dispirited when you came to visit me the other day."
"(Hallie) Believe me, Uncle Eliot, "dis-spirited" is the LAST thing I've been lately."
(canned laughter)


"(Professor Stokes) You seemed rather out of sorts at my house."
"(Hallie) No. Just moody."
"(Professor Stokes) You weren't unhappy or distressed at all?"
"(Hallie) No, just bored. Not everybody is interested in seeing your collection of 19th century meat loaf."


(to avoid eye contact, Hallie begins playing with a vase of flowers)
"(Professor Stokes) And nothing frightening or disconcerting has happened to you since you came to Collinwood."
(Hallie stiffens as he says this, snapping one of the stems in her hands with a report like a rifle shot)
"(Hallie) Frightening? What could possibly happen in this house that would be frightening?"
(begins to quiver)
"(Hallie) (to herself) I wonder if he's buying this??"
"(Professor Stokes) Well, I'm very glad to hear that, my dear. (to himself) I wonder if she buys the idea that I'm buying this?"

"(Professor Stokes) You know you can trust me, don't you?"
"(Hallie) Of course?"
"(Professor Stokes) And if you did have a scare, you'd tell me, wouldn't you?"
"(Hallie) You know, I don't understand why the adults in this house are acting so weird!! Everybody is talking like something terrible is going to happen!! But nobody will say what they're afraid of!!"
"(Professor Stokes) That's because they don't know."
"(Hallie) There's nothing TO know! Mr. Shaw did Mrs. Stoddard's horoscope and said everything would be peachy all year! All this talk started when Julia and Barnabas came back!!"
"(Professor Stokes) Hallie, please..."
"(Hallie) I think they're trying to throw a scare into us just for the fun of it!! Well, if you ask me, Julia and Barnabas are the scariest people around here! Julia with her dour old disposition, and Barnabas with his stupid old wolfshead cane and spiky hair!"
(Hallie rushes out)
"(Professor Stokes) Perhaps I should pay a visit on this Mr. Shaw... At least at his place it would be quieter."

"(David) That was a close one. Do you think your Uncle suspected anything?"
"(Hallie) I think he started to. He was asking some very pointed questions about what we'd been up to lately. Luckily I threw him off the scent by acting all whiny and gripy."
"(David) You mean that's an ACT!?"
(David takes an elbow in the gut from Hallie)


"(David) Does he actually KNOW anything about what's been happening?"
"(Hallie) I don't think so. But he's suspicious. They all are. Why are all the adults suspicious when they haven't seen any of the things we've seen?"
"(David) I don't know. Maybe they got a clue from Aunt Elizabeth's horoscope. Let's have a look at that."
"(Hallie) But your Aunt said it didn't show anything bad."
"(David) Maybe somebody saw something she missed."
(David pulls Liz's horoscope out of the desk drawer and has a look at it)
"(David) Oh, cute! Real cute!!"
"(Hallie) What does it say??"
"(David) August 19th: Beware of kids trying to sneak peeks at your horoscope."


"(Hallie) Barnabas and Julia were hinting about something bad before this horoscope ever existed. They didn't get the idea from here."
"(David) Yeah, you're right. Do you think they just... I don't know... "Feel" something coming? My Aunt Nora used to be able to forecast the weather by how bad her feet hurt."
"(Hallie) That'd be an awfully specific feeling, if it told them about a place called Rose Cottage, and a Playroom in the linen closet. You know, you always talk about how something similar once happened to you and Amy. How did that get started, anyway?"
"(David) Oh, we found a ghost phone."
"(Hallie) A ghost phone?"
"(David) Yeah, it wasn't hooked up to anything, but you could talk to ghosts through it."
"(Hallie) Did you dial 10-10-220?"
"(David) No, and Father almost made ME a ghost when he got the bill."

"(Hallie) David, I just had a thought. What about that place that Barnabas and Julia are supposed to have come back from?"
"(David) Parallel Time?"
"(Hallie) I guess. What if they learned something there that's making them think there's going to be a disaster here."
"(David) I doubt it. The people in Parallel Time are supposed to look like us, but lead different lives."
"(Hallie) Okay, but maybe something happened to the Hallie in Parallel Time that's similar to something that happened to us here, and they think that history is repeating itself."
"(David) No, it couldn't be."
"(Hallie) Why not?"
"(Barnabas) Because Barnabas told me that the Hallie never lost her parents, still lives with them, and is having a ball."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"

(At Sebastian's pad, Sebastian is sitting in the dark, staring at a table, and conducting a scientific experiment)
"(Sebastian) I guess that proves it. It's not possible to bore yourself quite to death..."

(Sebastian answers a knock at the door)
"(Sebastian) May I help you?"
"(Professor Stokes) Yes, I'd like to speak to you about my niece, Hallie."
"(Sebastian) Hey, she told me she was 18, man! I swear!"

"(Professor Stokes) No, you misunderstand me. Permit me to introduce myself. I'm Timothy Eliot Stokes."
"(Sebastian) Oh, yes! Professor! I'm Sebastian Shaw! Please come in!"
"(Professor Stokes) An honor, Mr. Shaw."
"(Sebastian) The honor is mine, Professor. Your reputation precedes you."
"(Professor Stokes) Does it now?"
"(Sebastian) Expert on the occult. Specialist in Coptic Crosses. Doctor of Anagrams. Connoisseur of fine cheeses. Discoverer of Time Travel Herbs."
"(Professor Stokes) You flatter me."
"(Sebastian) Why, your knowledge of Star Trek Trivia alone is legendary!"


"(Professor Stokes) Do you know anything of my work on the occult, Mr. Shaw?"
"(Sebastian) Indeed I do. I took the trouble to do some research on you when I came to town. And I find your background very impressive. And your interest in the occult most fascinating." * What services do you perform?"
"(Professor Stokes) Well, for the time bing, I've gone into academia. I teach a course in the occult at Rockport University."
"(Sebastian) It sounds fascinating. Really fascinating!"
"(Professor Stokes) It's an elective course. We get a lot of the overflow students after the Underwater Basketweave course fills up."
* In the last few days, Sebastian has become a dilettante too!

"(Sebastian) Now, what can I do you for, Professor?"
"(Professor Stokes) Well, I'd like to discuss Mrs. Stoddard's horoscope. I understand you prepared it in great detail for the remainder of 1970."
"(Sebastian) That's correct."
"(Professor Stokes) Can I assume from that that she'll be alive for the rest of 1970?"
"(Sebastian) Of course."
"(Professor Stokes) And you saw no disasters, catastrophes or calamities on the horizon?"
"(Sebastian) Not for Mrs. Stoddard, no."
"(Professor Stokes) Are you aware that there are those who disagree with you?"
"(Sebastian) Who?"
"(Professor Stokes) Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman."
"(Sebastian) What are their psychic qualifications?"
"(Professor Stokes) Well, Barnabas.... Um... and Julia... Er... Well, they both live at Collinwood, doesn't that qualify them for some kind of Honorary Status right there?"

"(Sebastian) Professor, I am aware that Mrs. Stoddard harbored certain fears when she first came to see me. But they had nothing to do with Barnabas or Julia. I believe they centered around the two children at Collinwood."
"(Professor Stokes) That's correct. But you managed to convince her that those fears were groundless. Mr. Shaw."
"(Sebastian) Only after the stars first convinced me."
"(Professor Stokes) Are you absolutely certain that your projections are correct?"
"(Sebastian) What!? Are you implying that Astrology isn't an exact science!???"
"(Professor Stokes) Forgive me, I lost my head."


"(Sebastian) I admit I'm not perfect, Professor. But I think I made the best interpretations of the signs that I could. Of course, you must remember that Mrs. Stoddard is under no obligation to live her life according to my projections. If you believe you see a danger that I've missed, by all means protect yourself."
"(Professor Stokes) How much did you charge her for her horoscope?"
"(Sebastian) There was no charge, professor."
"(Professor Stokes) Oh, you are independently wealthy, Mr. Shaw."
"(Sebastian) Oh no, no. Certainly not. My clients are told to give me whatever they feel my services are worth."
"(Professor Stokes) But before they've actually used the horoscope, they won't have any idea how valuable it is or isn't."
"(Sebastian) Yeah, you wouldn't believe how convenient that's been. (Did I say that out loud??)"

"(Professor Stokes) She paid you on delivery of the horoscope?"
"(Sebastian) She did. By check."
"(Professor Stokes) And what did Mrs. Stodda"(Roxanne) feel your services were worth?"
"(Sebastian) You would have to ask her that yourself, Professor. I've never been one to Cash and Tell."


"(Professor Stokes) May I ask just one more question, Mr. Shaw? How and when did you acquire this, uh… ability of yours?"
"(Sebastian) Are you suggesting that I am a charlatan, Professor?"
"(Professor Stokes) I have no idea whether you are or aren't... Although if Collinwood should be wiped out in the next few months, I should have a pretty good idea."
"(Sebastian) Professor, I assure you I am quite legitimate. I happen to hold a B.S. from The University of Astrology and Elvis Impersonation. Surely you don't question their credentials."
"(Professor Stokes) I shouldn't dare. Not considering that I founded that school myself."

"(Professor Stokes) I don't mean to challenge you, Mr. Shaw, but I'm understandably concerned about the well being of those at Collinwood."
"(Sebastian) Well, rest easy. Not only am I an Astrologer. I am also a clairvoyant."
"(Professor Stokes) A clairvoyant!?"
"(Sebastian) It means I can see into the future."
"(Professor Stokes) Yes, I know what it means. I was just giving you a chance to walk it back if you wanted to. To claim that you meant to say "Clarinet", or something like that."
"(Sebastian) Now, how could I be a clarinet?"
"(Professor Stokes) It was just a thought."
"(Sebastian) And I used my clairvoyancy powers to look into the future, and confirm that nothing bad will happen at Collinwood for the rest of the year."
"(Professor Stokes) That's a bit hard to believe, Mr. Shaw."
"(Sebastian) Well, tough. That's what I saw... Or rather, what I didn't see.... Bad things!... Not a one!"

"(Professor Stokes) Clairvoyance is a rare talent, Mr. Shaw."
"(Sebastian) Au contraire, Professor. We all have it. It's simply a rarely developed talent."
"(Professor Stokes) Well, now you have piqued my interest. Would it be too much to ask for a small demonstration?"
"(Sebastian) Of course. Nothing gives me greater pleasure than converting a skeptic, Professor."
"(Professor Stokes) I'm hardly a skeptic. I believe in it, I just want to see if you have it. Tell me. What am I thinking about right now?"
"(Sebastian) Hamhocks, of course. Give me a harder test. I could tell that one from your breath!"

"(Professor Stokes) Something harder? Very well. Er, vaguely describe for me something that the two children are doing at some unspecified time in the future."
"(Sebastian) That's harder? Okay, they're... going to the bathroom!"
"(Professor Stokes) I don't mean tell me something that they obviously MUST be doing at some time in the future. I mean use your clairvoyance to actually SEE them doing something in the future."
"(Sebastian) Oh, okay... In that case we'll skip going to the bathroom, then."
"(Professor Stokes) Please do!"

"(Sebastian) How about if I tune in to them at some time in the future, doing something that could be shown on television?"
"(Professor Stokes) Good, that sounds safe enough."
Nothing simpler. Tell me. Who are the two children at Collinwood?"
"(Professor Stokes) If you're a clairvoyant, shouldn't you know?"
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"

"(Sebastian) I can see many things, Professor, most of which would be useless to us. It would help to have something to focus in on, in order to get the images we want."
"(Professor Stokes) Very well. The boy is David Collins, and the girl is my niece, Hallie."
"(Sebastian) Are you prepared to believe that I have never laid eyes on either "David" or "Hallie" in my life?"
"(Professor Stokes) That would be too easy to disprove, so I'll take your word for it."
"(Sebastian) Very good."
"(Professor Stokes) Although if you're looking for something to "focus in on", tomorrow's racing form would do even better."

(Sebastian goes to his candles and meditates)
"(Sebastian) I see… I see a room… at Collinwood. It's not clear, it's... the Drawing Room, I think. There's a piano at one side of the room and a portrait of Isaac Collins beside it."
"(Professor Stokes) I know you've seen Collinwood. You don't have to tell me about that."
"(Sebastian) All right, all right. It is... sometime in the future. I see the two children. I can see the girl. Her hair is long and fair. She's wearing a golden crown of curls on her head. And she's wearing a bright pink party dress. With long puffed sleeves. And a wide collar. And white buttons down the front."
"(Professor Stokes) Hallie doesn't have any dress like that."
"(Sebastian) Well, that proves it's the future, doesn't it?"
"(Professor Stokes) I suppose..."

"(Professor Stokes) What are they doing?"
"(Sebastian) They seem to have just returned from a party... They are lying on the floor of the Drawing Room. They appear to be unconscious."
"(Professor Stokes) Yes, that sounds like a modern teen party, all right."

"(Professor Stokes) Impressive, Mr. Shaw. Most impressive."
"(Sebastian) But not convincing?"
"(Professor Stokes) Well, you haven't exactly told me anything I could confirm or deny."
"(Sebastian) I told you your... niece had gold curls. That should count for something."
"(Professor Stokes) All right, and what TV character does she strongly resemble?"
"(Sebastian) Marcia Brady."
"(Professor Stokes) That's close enough that I'm going to give it to you."

"(Professor Stokes) Well, allow me to reserve judgment for the time being."
"(Sebastian) Certainly."
"(Professor Stokes) Oh, by the way. Do your powers enable you to find lost items?"
"(Sebastian) Sometimes. What did you lose, Professor."
"(Professor Stokes) My cookies."
"(Sebastian) When did you lose them?"
"(Professor Stokes) During the last Presidential debate."
"(Sebastian) Well, I'd suggest searching near your television set."


(After Stokes leaves, Roxanne emerges from The Little Astrologer's Room)
"(Sebastian) Oh, there you are. You were in for such a long time, I thought you'd fallen in."
"(Roxanne) Keep joking, Sebastian. You're going to need another career once your Astrology business goes down the very same place."
"(Sebastian) What are you talking about?"
"(Roxanne) Was it really necessary to reveal your powers to someone like him?"
"(Sebastian) What do you mean "someone like him"?? I'll have you know that man is the world's foremost authority on Etruscan Snoods!"


"(Roxanne) 'Nothing gives me greater pleasure than converting a skeptic, Professor.' Pardon me while I upchuck."
"(Sebastian) If you've got it, flaunt it, I say. I've got powers, baby. I'm tired of hiding my light under a bushel. The world thinks of me as a quack. A charlatan. A poseur. Well, I'm not what the world thinks I am!"
"(Roxanne) You're what I think you are, Sebastian."
"(Sebastian) Well, thanks... Hey, wait a minute. Was that a compliment?"
"(Roxanne) Take it any way you want it."


"(Sebastian) The Professor was worried about Mrs. Stoddard's interests. And with us around, he's got reason to worry, brother! I merely sought to reassure him of the validity of my horoscope with a second opinion."
"(Roxanne) A second opinion isn't much good when they both come from the same source, Sebastian!"
"(Sebastian) Well, maybe. But I had to do something to allay his concerns, otherwise he might have gone back to Mrs. Stoddard to complain about me."
"(Roxanne) Well, all right this time. Just remember, your psychic powers are too valuable for us to reveal them to people with deep minds and shallow wallets."


"(Roxanne) Just remember. Elizabeth Stoddard is the richest woman we've ever had as a client. She's willing to pay very well for your services."
"(Sebastian) Yeah, but she's already paid! How are we supposed to get any more out of her?"
"(Roxanne) There's always next year's horoscope."
"(Sebastian) Oh, right. Absolutely. And kindly tell me why she's going to buy another horoscope from us when this one failed to predict the disaster that wiped out her family?"
"(Roxanne) Blame it on her own lack of faith. The marks usually eat that stuff up, don't they?"

"(Sebastian) I don't want to discuss this any further!"
"(Roxanne) All right, we won't. As long as you don't do anything to lose Mrs. Stoddard as a client."
"(Sebastian) Yeah, all right."
"(Roxanne) By the way, did you really see the children passed out in the Drawing Room?"
"(Sebastian) Well... it was like that."
"(Roxanne) What do you mean "like that"? Were they asleep?"
"(Sebastian) No."
"(Roxanne) Comatose?"
"(Sebastian) No."
"(Roxanne) Sebastian... they weren't dead, were they?"
"(Sebastian) Yeah, a little bit."


(At Collinwood, David and Hallie return to the Playroom)
"(Hallie) I've got a bad feeling about this. I don't think we should have come back here."
"(David) Don't worry, if one of us turns into Tad or Carrie again, the other one can shake us back to our senses."
"(Hallie) Oh, I hope it's you this time. You shook me so much yesterday, my teeth started to rattle."
"(David) Well, if it happens again, I want you to hold on to this bowl of pudding."
"(Hallie) What for?"
"(David) Mrs. Johnson said the blender in the kitchen was broken."

(As Hallie sits on a chair to think, David sits on the rocking horse)
"(Hallie) Oh no, don't tell me you've turned into Tad again."
"(David) Of course I haven't turned into Tad, I just like rocking horses! David can sit on a rocking horse too, can't he?"
"(Hallie) I suppose. But what can we do about what's going on?"
"(David) I don't know, but we have to find out before the worst happens."
"(Hallie) You mean they kill us?"
"(David) No."
"(Hallie) We turn into Tad and Carrie forever?"
"(David) No."
"(Hallie) Then what's the worst?"
"(David) You turn into Tad and I turn into Carrie."


"(Hallie) If something terrible is going to happen, shouldn't we do something to try to prevent it?"
"(David) Sure, but what?"
"(Hallie) Hmm... Okay, you remember the mannequins in the dream?"
"(David) Ken and Barbie?"
"(Hallie) They must have been the same two dolls in the dollhouse now."
"(David) Okay."
"(Hallie) So, what would happen if we destroyed the dolls?"
"(David) We'd... have to play with G.I. Joes?"
"(Hallie) D'oh!"

"(Hallie) Isn't there an even better chance that destroying the dolls would break the spell over us?"
"(David) Would it really be that easy?"
"(Hallie) Why not? Didn't you say that the Leviathans were destroyed as easily as smashing their magic box?"
"(David) That's true."
"(Hallie) And I read a book once where destroying a Dark Lord that ruled over half a continent was as easy as destroying his magic Ring."
"(David) Yeah, I read that, that was really sad. I was rooting for the Dark Lord."

"(David) It's worth a try."
"(Hallie) Here, you take your doll, I'll take mine."
"(David) Got it. But how are we going to destroy them?"
"(Hallie) Are you kidding? We're kids. As rough as we are on toys, we can probably break 'em with 5 minute of normal use."


(At Sebastian's Pad, Sebastian is brooding over his ceramic hand)
"(Sebastian) What the heck is this thing USED for, anyway?? Palm Reading? Ashtray?..."

(Sebastian gets up and starts to leave, only to find Roxanne waiting for him outside)
"(Roxanne) Going somewhere, Sebastian?"
"(Sebastian) Just out for a walk."
"(Roxanne) You hate walks. You consider them to be bourgeois, crypto-fascist claptrap."
"(Sebastian) I said that?"
"(Roxanne) You did."
"(Sebastian) Am I really that big a yutz?"
"(Roxanne) Oh no, it sounds better the way you say it."


"(Roxanne) I'll tell you where you're going, Sebastian. Your conscience has been troubling you all day about those meddling kids and their Great Dane."
"(Sebastian) They haven't got a Great Dane!"
"(Roxanne) All right, well the meddling kids, anyway. And you've decided to be a... if you'll pardon the expression, "Boy Scout", and do something about it."
"(Sebastian) Boy Scout!? Talk about hitting below the belt!"

"(Sebastian) I'm no Boy Scout, but something should be done! Someone should be told!"
"(Roxanne) Like Mrs. Stoddard?"
"(Sebastian) Why not? It helps us. If I save her from something like this, she'll be grateful!"
"(Roxanne) Sebastian. Honey. Doll. The point of predicting things is to predict things that come TRUE. Now, if you predict something and they prevent it, then it doesn't come True. Do I really need to be explaining this?"

"(Sebastian) Do we always have to think about ourselves? Those children are in mortal danger!"
"(Sebastian) Sometime in the Future. It may be months from now. Time for us to plan out the best course of action."
"(Roxanne) Yeah, or maybe it could be tomorrow."
"(Sebastian) You know that's not likely. There would have been some sign by now. And anyway, if worse does come to worse, we can always predict it at the last minute, and save the day."
"(Sebastian) All right, I'll buy that."


(In the Drawing Room, the Devil Tots take the dolls to the fireplace, and tosses them in)
"(Hallie) Do you think we've done the right thing, David?"
"(David) It can't miss."
"(Hallie) Good."
"(David) Unless of course, they're voodoo dolls, and we end up giving ourselves double hotfoots."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"

"(Hallie) They're burning!"
"(David) And we're not! Glow, baby, glow!"
"(Hallie) We have done the right thing. I know it."
"(David) Watching this reminds me of what happened to your own Barbie doll last week."
"(Hallie) What??"
"(David) Just kidding... Probably."

(Moments later, outside the Playroom)
"(Hallie) What are we doing back here?"
"(David) We have to find out if it worked. If it did, and the spell is broken, then the Playroom should be gone, and the Linen Closet will be back."
"(Hallie) Oh, I hope it's the Linen Closet! Please, please, please!"
"(David) So do I. Another week with those same sheets, and my bed is going to develop a life of its own."

(they open the door and go in)
"(David) (in Total Denial) Funny, I don't remember the Linen Closet being this big."

(Hallie points to the dollhouse)
"(Hallie) David, look! The dolls! They're back! What do we do now?"
"(David) Well, back to the old Drawing Room."
"(Hallie) Oooh, you're going to end the show with a pun like that?"
"(David) It's all I could think of."
(fade to black)


"(Bob Lloyd) Coming up next, Dark Shadows Stick Figure Theatre."

"(Sebastian) Say Good Night, Roxanne."
"(Roxanne) Good Night, Roxanne."


"(Hallie) How come my doll doesn't comb her hair a little??"

"(Bob Lloyd) Dan Curtis Productions; We'll Leave the Dollhouse On for Ya."

          Episode 1083:   David and Hallie are terrified when the dolls reappear in the dollhouse after they've destroyed them.