The Collinsport Players do Goldilocks and the Three Bears!
"I locked the door! You check the porridge, I'll try the beds!"


Franz Joseph Designs Releases The Dark Shadows Technical Manual!


Daphne and Hallie Have a Liberation March!

Today on Dark Shadows...


Julia Throws in the Towel!


Hallie and David Play Pat-a-Cake!


David and Hallie Attend Ash Wednesday Services!


Episode 1085

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, Grayson Hall, David Selby, Kate Jackson
Original Script By Joe Caldwell
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Quentin Collins. It is Collinwood in 1970, and Barnabas and Julia have still failed to turn up any clues as to the impending disaster. Last time on Dark Shadows, Hallie and David wrote a novelization of the current storyline, which is currently being fact-checked by Tad and Carrie. Lawyer Tony Peterson has not appeared in this show for some time, but odds are his services will soon be required..."


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(Outside the Playroom)
"(Hallie) Now, David! We don't know that Daphne took the notebook."
"(David) Who else would have? We were only gone two minutes."
"(Hallie) Okay, it was probably her, but just in case it wasn't, we'd better be careful what we say in there. Look for the book, but don't mention it out loud."
"(David) Gotcha. If I have to mention the book, I'll call it a Zamboni."
"(Hallie) Zamboni!?"
"(David) Right. If I say Zamboni, you'll know that that means book."
"(Hallie) David, that is completely macrosmatic."
"(David) What does that mean?"
"(Hallie) You don't want to know."


(David and Hallie enter the Playroom only to find Tad and Carrie reading their notebook!)
"(Hallie) Gasp!! They look exactly like us!!"
"(David) Yeah, I'd recognize the back of that head anywhere!"


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"(David) Will you get a load of those two! They're reading our private notes!"
"(Hallie) At least it's not Daphne reading them. Oh, David! DO something!"
"(David) Don't worry, this split screen effect is too expensive to maintain for very long."


(Sure enough, Tad and Carrie begin fading away)
"(David) Look at that! They're leaving! With the book! Hallie, do something!"
"(Hallie) Aieeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!"
"(David) Not THAT!"


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"(Hallie) They're gone!"
"(David) Right into the ether!"
"(Hallie) David, what are we going to do??"
"(David) Wait a minute. We've got to calm down and think about this..."
"(Hallie) David, they're nowhere in the room! They're dead people! They're ghosts! And they look just like us!!"
"(David) ...Especially you."


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"(Hallie) All right, why did they disappear like that?"
"(David) I told you. The shot was too expensive to maintain."
"(Hallie) What are we doing here? We said we were never coming back here and we seem to come every day!"
"(David) Well, this time, we had to come back to look for our Zamboni. And here it is on this table."
(picks it up)
"(David) You see how clever we were? By calling it a Zamboni, no ghosts eavesdropping on us will know what we're talking about."
"(Hallie) Oh, brother..."


"(David) I don't know how, but when Tad and Carrie disappeared, the notebook remained behind on this table. Maybe their powers aren't strong enough to actually dematerialize a solid object. That could be useful to us... The problem is, where did Tad and Carrie go?"
"(Hallie) Verily, I know not!"
"(David) ...But I think I'm starting to get a good idea."


"(David) I wonder if I have time to make it to the door before..."
"(Hallie) Beforeth whateth, Tad?"
"(David) Why, odds my bodkins! What am I doing in these clothes?"
"(Hallie) You look quite absurd, Tad."
"(David) I remember now. We were reading these rather curious chronicles of David and Hallie's adventures."
"(Hallie) Oh, rather! Keep reading. I dearly love to hear tell of that David chap."
"(David) No, I disagree. I would rather hear tell of Hallie. She's a jolly one."
"(Hallie) Well, I hateth to be a wet blanket, but if my eyes do not deceive me, neither David nor Hallie appear too enamoured of our Miss Daphne."
"(David) I'd noticed that too. They seem almost afraid of her. Why should anyone be afraid of Good Miss Daphne?"
"(Hallie) Perhaps they ran afoul of her might Spanker."


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"(David) Could that be it, do you think? Could David and Hallie have performed some kind of wickedness, and received some form of comeuppance from jolly Miss Daphne?"
"(Hallie) This chronicle mentions none."
"(David) Well, they could hardly be expected to come bearing tales against themselves. But I have, on occasion, observed David "Short Sheeting" his cousin Carolyn's bed."
"(Hallie) Pray, what is that?"
"(David) It is a stratagem wherein the prankster places the victim's top sheet at a 90 degree angle to that which is proper or decent, so that when the victim or "rube" pulls the coverlets up to her face, she exposes her feet to the open air."
"(Hallie) Why should he do that?"
"(David) For humorous effect, I believe."
"(Hallie) Sometimes I just don't understand kids today!"


"(Hallie) Strange. It seemeth from these minutes that David and Hallie's grievance lyeth less with Miss Daphne, than against us!"
"(David) With us? I find it disconcerting that David and Hallie could have anything against two such fine youths as ourselves."
"(Hallie) Perhaps we frighten them."
"(David) How could we frighten them?... I mean, all we're planning to do is to hijack their bodies. It's not as though we're going to make them eat broccoli, or something."


(they leave to go to Daphne's Room)
"(David) Let us go ask Miss Daphne, the meaning of this epistle."
"(Hallie) Oh, yes. Miss Daphne knows everything!"
"(David) You know. I seem to remember that David and Hallie were here. I wonder where they could have gone?"
"(Hallie) I knoweth not, but we seem to be wearing their clothing."
"(David) Their pranks never cease, do they?"


(After David and Hallie enter Miss Daphne's Room, Quentin comes around the corner with a handful of books)
"(Quentin) If I'm going to ever land a date with that librarian, I'd better learn to pretend to like these things."


(In the Drawing Room, Julia is flipping through old books)
"(Julia) "...and we firmly believe that manned, heavier-than-air flight will be achieved by the turn of century'. Ha! The malarkey they published in those days!"


(Quentin enters with the books)
"(Quentin) Where do you want these?"
"(Julia) Oh, just dump 'em on the table."
DUMP!
"(Quentin) I think these are the last ones from the West Wing study. But most of them are after the time period you're looking for."
"(Julia) What do you mean?"
"(Quentin) Well, half of these are Tom Swift Senior books."
"(Julia) What are they?"
"(Quentin) High tech kids books from the very old days. See?"
"(Julia) Oh yes, let me see. (reads titles) Tom Swift Senior and His Cotton Gin. Tom Swift Senior and His Telegraph Key. Oh, here's one I hadn't seen before. Tom Swift Senior And His Horseless Carriage."


"(Quentin) Still looking for Rose Cottage, are you?"
"(Julia) No, I've hit a brick wall on that."
"(Quentin) Maybe that's part of Rose Cottage!"
"(Julia) Not a literal brick wall, Quentin, a metaphorical one."
"(Quentin) What's a... metaphorical brick wall?"
"(Julia) Well, for example, talking to you."
"(Quentin) Ah!"


"(Quentin) Why did you want all these books if you're not still looking for Rose Cottage?"
"(Julia) I'm trying to find a staircase."
"(Quentin) There's one right out in the Foyer."
"(Julia) I'm looking for a very particular staircase. The one in the Playroom that brought Barnabas and me back from 1995."
"(Quentin) Julia, there is no Playroom, ergo there is no staircase either."
"(Julia) Of course there is! How do you think Barnabas and I got back from 1995, anyway? Hitchhiking??"


"(Julia) Quentin, there has to be a staircase. The corridor that it dumped us into is there, so the staircase is too... Somewhere. Somehow. So, maybe if I can find a mention of the staircase in one of these books, I could find it again."
"(Quentin) A mention of a magic staircase."
"(Julia) I'm getting desperate."
"(Quentin) What will you do if you find it? Go Back to the Future? Or the Past? Or where?"
"(Julia) The past, I think. It would be great to be able to go back to Episode 1071 and start the story over."
"(Quentin) Ha! I'd go back to Episode 749 and make sure I didn't drink the Werewolf Juice."
"(Julia) Oh yeah, well I'd go back to Episode ONE and keep Victoria Winters from getting off the train at Collinsport!"
"(Quentin) Oh, yes, the infamous Victoria Winters... Was she cute?"
"(Julia) D'oh! Yes, yes, Vicki was gorgeous! All three of her, but especially Alexandra!"
"(Quentin) I just figured out what I'd do with a Stairway in Time."
"(Julia) Oh, give me strength..."


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"(Julia) The Stairway might gives us some clue that would stop the disaster that's going to happen.
"(Quentin) You and Barnabas don't give up easily, do you?"
"(Julia) We don't dare, for the sake of the children and everyone else."
"(Quentin) I'm sorry, then. Here. I'll help you."
(Quentin picks up a book and starts reading)
"(Julia) Allow me."
(Julia takes the book out of his hands, turns it right side up, and gives it back)


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"(Julia) Quentin, I think I've found it."
"(Quentin) What?"
"(Julia) This set of blueprints."
"(Quentin) They look like whiteprints to me."
"(Julia) They're marked "Proposed Stairway into Time", and signed by Quentin Collins in 1840."
"(Quentin) I wasn't even born until 1870!"
"(Julia) Not YOU, he's your great Grand Uncle, Quentin. And it looks like he planned to build a secret stairway in the West Wing, that would carry someone off into time and space!"
"(Quentin) Well, that's one way of getting rid of your mother-in-law."


"(Quentin) Wait a minute, let me get this straight. Okay, we know there was another Quentin Collins who lived in 1840."
"(Julia) Right."
"(Quentin) And he built a time machine in the form of a stairway?"
"(Julia) Is that really any sillier than a time machine shaped like a police box?"
"(Quentin) And that it's somewhere around here, but nobody knows where. What does it mean??"
"(Julia) There's only one thing it could mean. This story is eventually going to move to 1840."


(In Daphne's Room)
"(David) I wonder where Daphne is?"
"(Hallie) I don't know, but she's going to be awfully annoyed when she discovers that you short-sheeted her bed."
"(David) Technically, David did it."


(Daphne enters)
"(Hallie) Miss Daphne! We were looking for you."
"(David) I'm sorry if we disturbed you. You see, we've found something that puzzles us."
"(Hallie) It's something that David and Hallie have written. They say all manner of strange and curious things that we don't understand."
"(David) Like, what's a Zamboni?"


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(Daphne looks at the notebook, and scowls)
"(David) You're not going to explain it to us?"
(Daphne shakes her head)
"(Hallie) Is this one of those things we're not allowed to know until we're older?"
(Daphne nods)
"(David) I don't know, it seems like we've been this same age for an AWFULLY long time."
"(Hallie) I know! We've been kids longer than Nancy and Sluggo!"


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"(David) What should we do with this Zamboni, then?"
"(Hallie) Should we give it back to Hallie and David?"
(Daphne shakes her head)
"(David) Then what do we do with it?"
(Daphne picks up the candle and hands it to them)
"(David) You mean you want us to burn it?"
"(Hallie) It doesn't have any naughty words!"


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(David takes the candle and sets fire to the Zamboni, which bursts into flame)
"(Hallie) Now it looks like Quentin's diary! Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"


(The Zamboni makes a Fireball that would put XL5 to shame)
"(David) Now we'll never understand what Hallie and David were writing about."
"(Hallie) I certainly hope they won't be cross at us for doing this."
"(David) Tough Toenails if they are! They set fire to our dolls the other day."


"(David) Maybe some day we'll be able to ask David and Hallie what it meant."
"(Hallie) Oh, that would be grand! Do you think we shall?
(Daphne nods)
"(David) When? When, can you tell us exactly when?"
(Daphne whispers something in his ear)
"(David) I say, Carrie. Exactly when do donkeys fly?"


(Outside Daphne's Room, Quentin and Julia approach)
"(Julia) This is it. We came up the Stairway in Time to this very corridor."
"(Quentin) Up the stairs?"
"(Julia) That's right, why?"
"(Quentin) Isn't it upstairs to go forward in time, and downstairs to go back."
"(Julia) Oh, Quentin..."


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"(Hallie) Someone's coming!"
"(David) Are they coming in here?"
(David falls asleep as Hallie touches him on the nose)
"(Hallie) How did you do that? Will you teach me?"
(Hallie doesn't fall asleep when Daphne touches her on the nose, forcing her to resort to the Vulcan Neck Pinch)


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(David and Hallie come to)
"(Hallie) David? What are we doing here? What are we doing in this room?"
"(David) I don't know, Hallie. (sniff, sniff) But something smells good in here."


(David and Hallie hear voices outside)
"(Julia) Of course when Barnabas and I used the stairway, I was almost unconscious..."
"(Quentin) But according to the plans, this has to be the place..."
"(David) It's Quentin and Dr. Hoffman!"
"(Hallie) What if they come in here? What possible excuse could there be for us to be alone in the West Wing together!"
"(David) I'm not sure... But I've got a strange feeling that if I were a year or two older, there's something that would be obvious."


(Outside)
"(Julia) There. That's the door."
"(Quentin) That's the same door Barnabas showed me when he came looking for the Playroom. There's nothing there but a linen closet."
"(Julia) A closet? With that elaborate door frame? That's ridiculous."
"(Quentin) I'm going to tell Sy Tomashoff you said that."


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(Julia and Quentin walk in to find)
"(Quentin) Well? It doesn't look much like a Playroom, does it?"
"(Julia) Well, maybe it used to be one... Or it will be one in the future."
"(Quentin) I don't see how it could. That's an exterior wall. There's open air behind it."
"(Julia) I could have sworn..."
"(Quentin) Now, are you ready to come out of the closet, Julia?"
"(Julia) I BEG your pardon!"
"(Quentin) I meant literally."
"(Julia) Oh!"


(Julia comes out of the closet and spots Daphne's Room)
"(Julia) …I wonder where this door leads to?"
"(Quentin) It's, uh… that's just another room."
"(Julia) I know it's another room! The question is which room? Maybe I read the plans wrong and this is the right door."
"(Quentin) Julia, we haven't got time to search every room in the house!"
"(Julia) Actually, if this is the Stairway in Time, we probably do."


(In the room)
"(Hallie) She's coming in here! What'll we do?"
"(David) Duck behind the door!"
"(Hallie) Right!"
"(David) And into my arms!"
"(Hallie) Okay, but I'm warning you. This doesn't count as a date!"


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(Julia and Quentin enter)
"(Quentin) There, see? No stairway. Just a room."
"(Julia) I wonder whose room it was?"
"(Quentin) Who knows? Now, can we please get back downstairs?"
"(Julia) You seem oddly anxious to get me out of this area, Quentin. There wouldn't be any special reason for that, would there?"
"(Quentin) Of course not, I'm just in a hurry to get back down to the brandy."
"(Julia) Okay, I'll buy that."


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"(Hallie) Whew! They're gone. That was close! I was never so scared in my whole life!"
(David chokes back a reply)


"(Hallie) David, we can't get caught up here again! Your Aunt has already warned us both against playing in the West Wing!"
"(David) Yeah, we'd better think up an explanation for if we ever do get caught."
"(Hallie) Why can't we just tell them the truth, and say that there's a Playroom across the Hall??"
"(David) You know we can't do that! For one thing, the ghosts won't let us, and for another thing there ISN'T a Playroom when they open the door. They'd just think we were a couple of liars."
"(Hallie) What have you got to lose? They already think that about you, don't they?"
"(David) That's not the point!"


"(Hallie) Okay, what happened to us just now? How did we get here?"
"(David) I don't know. We were in the Playroom watching Carrie and Tad read our Zamboni, when suddenly the lights went out and the next thing I knew we were here."
"(Hallie) Same here!"
"(David) Only, wait a minute. Just before the lights went out for me, I remember you getting really mellow and talking all flowery, with a lot of thees and thous."
"(Hallie) I did what?"
"(David) I asked you were Tad and Carrie went, and you said "Verily, I know not"."
(pause)
"(Hallie) Did they talk King James English in 1840?"
"(David) I don't know. Our writers THINK they did, that's what matters!"


Hallie spots the Zamboni, which has finally burned itself out)
"(Hallie) David, look!"
"(David) All the notes that were supposed to tell people what had happened to us!"
"(Hallie) They're burned!"
"(David) I wonder how that happened?"
(notices the candle still in his hand and hides it behind his back)


"(Hallie) David! Did you do it?"
"(David) Of course not! Tad did, he just used my body."
"(Hallie) Well, that's it, then! Now, no one will ever know what became of us. We'll be lost forever!"
"(David) No, we won't! We can't be! Listen, I was dead once, and Barnabas and Dr. Hoffman went back in time to 1897, and changed history so that I never died!"
"(Hallie) And do you really think they'll go to that trouble again, when we disappear and are replaced by two polite, well-mannered kids who speak in flowery English and never get into trouble?"
"(David) We're sunk!"


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(Downstairs, pore Julia is still poring over pages)
"(Julia) Are you sure there were no other books in the West Wing study?"
"(Quentin) I don't think so, but I'll check again if you like. Come to think of it, I might have seen one holding up one end of a table. Be back soon."
"(Julia) Break a leg."
"(Quentin) Oh, I won't have to go that far, I'll just lift up one end."


(Quentin goes out front, and is stopped short once again by a familiar scent)
"(Quentin) Lilacs! That means you're near. But where? I must see you!"
(Quentin starts to follow the scent upstairs)
"(Quentin) You know, in all these years, I've never had a live-in girlfriend before... Well, I guess live-in isn't the right word..."


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(Upstairs)
"(David) Doctor Hoffman said something to Quentin about a stairway into another time."
"(Hallie) I don't know. I've heard of a Stairway to Heaven, but that's a new one."
"(David) Maybe they mean the one on the front foyer."
"(Hallie) How is that a Stairway in Time?"
"(David) I don't know it works, but I came up it today and it was 10 seconds later when I got to the top."


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(Quentin arrives in Daphne's room)
"(Quentin) I knew you'd be here."
(Daphne holds out her arms)
"(Quentin) No!" *
* Note to all Dark Shadows Trivia Buffs. This episode, Episode 1085 is the infamous "One Where Quentin Said No to a Woman". Mark it down and stump your friends.


(Daphne stares at Quentin in stunned disbelief. How can a moment like this NOT be the episode's cliffhanger?)


"(Quentin) No, I need to know what kind of power you've got over me! What's happened to my freedom? Oh, I know a relationship is like wearing a Ball and Chain, but this is too much. All you have to do is summon me and I drop everything and come to you!... It was really embarrassing the other day! I was doing the dishes at the time!"


"(Quentin) And you won't let me tell Julia and Barnabas about you. Why? Is it because you're going to be involved in this disaster they're trying to prevent?"
(turns to go)
"(Quentin) Well, this is the end. I can't go on like this any more! I haven't been a Saint, but even I've never betrayed my friends for a woman before..."
(pause)
"(Quentin) At least not one I'd never gotten it on with."
(pause)
"(Quentin) If you want to take that as a hint, feel free."


(As Quentin starts to head out the door, Daphne lifts the hem of her dress two inches off the floor)


(Quentin rushes back into Daphne's arms)
"(Quentin) I should have known I could never get away from you! I'll never be free! What is it about you? What power do you have over me?" *
* We know, don't we, folks?


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(Daphne picks a book up off of the table, and hands it to Quentin)
"(Quentin) What's this?"
(reads the cover)
"(Quentin) The Thoughts, Words and Deeds of Quentin Collins, Esquire, as Set Down By His Own hand, 1840. Hoo, hoo! "Esquire"! I like that! Sounds racy!"


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(Daphne disappears)
"(Quentin) Daphne? Daphne, why have you given me this? Are you trying to help us? Please, you've got to tell me, where are you? Are you trying to help us by giving us this? Or are you trying to destroy us? Please, I've got to know!"
(A Sepulchral Voice Intones)
"(Sepulchral Voice) Read the frigging manual!"


(Downstairs, Julia flips through the frigging manual)
"(Julia) What a strange man your Grand Uncle Quentin must have been. Wildly fascinated by the occult. Raging against the stars and the universe because… because he knew they were capable of changing his life. And a libido as big as yours. Where did you find this?"
"(Quentin) Er, in the West Wing Study. No mention of the Escalator in time?"
"(Julia) That's Stairway."
"(Quentin) Well, whatever."


"(Julia) Nothing about the Staircase. Oh, but here's a page of Quentin's all-time favorite chat-up lines."
"(Quentin) Anything good?"
"(Julia) Maybe 130 years ago they were good, but I don't think there's anything here you'd be able to use now."
"(Quentin) Why? What are they?"
"(Julia) Well, let's see. "My log cabin or yours?" "Is that a blunderbus in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?" "If I said you had a beautiful babushka, would you hold it against me?" Oh, and here's a good one. "Tippecanoe and Quentin too"."


(Out in the Foyer, David and Hallie come downstairs on another one of their pranks)
"(David) Okay, I've got the live eels. You get Maggie out of the house, while I..."
(the voices of Tad and Carrie echo through the room)
"(Tad and Carrie) Come to us! Come to us! Come to us!"
"(David) D'oh! We'll have to do this prank later, Hallie. Now I know what it's like for people who have beepers."


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(Back in the Drawing Room)
"(Julia) He's put down some of his philosophy here. Apparently he believed time was quite fluid."
"(Quentin) Like a brandy?"
"(Julia) Like a river. And very accessible."
"(Quentin) Like a river?"
"(Julia) No, like a brandy."


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"(Julia) Here, listen to this. "There is no such thing as time."
"(Quentin) He sure got that wrong, didn't he?"
"(Julia) "There is only space, physical space. And it is space that measures the distance between those points which we, in our ignorance and folly insist are points in time. All tie is one point, one moment. It is ever existent. And it is ever accessible. And it is physical space which can be used to make all time immediately accessible." What do you suppose that means?"
"(Quentin) I think it means that Dark Shadows writers aren't science fiction writers."


(David and Hallie approach the Playroom)
"(Voice of Carrie) David! Where are you?"
"(David) Did you say something?"
"(Hallie) Not me."
"(Voice of Tad) Hallie! Come into the light."
"(Hallie) What light?"
"(David) I didn't say anything."
"(Hallie) How about if you and I talk in a French accent, just to keep from getting mixed up with Tad and Carrie."
"(David) Oui, Oui, Ha-Lee!"
"(Hallie) On second thought, let's not."


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(David and Hallie open the door to the Playroom to find Tad and Carrie inside, standing on the Staircase in Time)
"(Ghost of Carrie) David!"
"(Ghost of Tad) Hallie!"
"(Ghost of Carrie) Come to us."
"(Ghost of Tad) Time travelling is really fun! You should try it!"
"(David) I think they're setting us up..."
(fade to black)


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"(Bob Lloyd) Mother of Tom Swift, Senior?"


"(Ken McEwen) I don't know Art, but I know what I like!"


Blank:
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"(Quentin) Hey, Sy. Julia said that your closet set was..."
"(Julia) Oh, shut up!"


"(Dan Curtis) Weren't there any actors in this episode??"


          Episode 1085:   Julia learns the stairway she and Barnabas used to return from 1995 was built by the 1840's Quentin Collins.