The Collinsport Players Do Rapunzel!

Liz Bug Bombs Collinwood!

David and Hallie Go Water Ballooning!
"I got Willie Loomis, he's 25 points. So there's no way you can catch me with your last three balloons unless Barnabas walks by."

Today on Dark Shadows...

Liz Reads Her Horoscope Again!
"People born under Taurus share a sign with real life psychos Adolph Hitler and Ho Chi Minh, pseudo-psycho Dennis Hopper and psycho-analyzer Sigmund Freud."

Liz Gets Annoyed!
"Will you hurry up in there? Other people have to go too!"

Collinwood Holds a Chili Cook-Off!

Episode 1086

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, David Selby, Joan Bennett, James Storm
Original Script By Joe Caldwell
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Elizabeth Stoddard. Collinwood in 1970, where the spectral forces that have invaded the Great House continue their slow but certain conquest of David Collins and Hallie Stokes."
"(Ken McEwen) Spoiler Alert!!"
"(Quentin) Last time on Dark Shadows, 1840-Quentin's Secret War Diaries were discovered inside Al Capone's Vault."

"(Liz) On this night, the children have heard Julia Hoffman speak of a mysterious staircase that supposedly leads to a different time. Later, they found that same Staircase behind the door leading to the Playroom..."
(Hallie and David spot the ghosts of Tad and Carrie on the Stairway in Time)
"(David) I think they want us to follow them up the stairs!"
"(Hallie) How can you tell?"
"(David) They've left a little trail of firecrackers for us to pick up." *
* With most kids, it would be chocolates.



"(Ghost of Tad) Come to us!"
"(Ghost of Carrie) Step into the light!"
"(Ghost of Tad) Hurry, please!"
"(Ghost of Carrie) Don't keep us waiting!"
(David starts to go)
"(Hallie) David, no! Are you crazi??"
"(David) But they're calling us!"
"(Hallie) I don't care if they're whistling Dixie! It's too dangerous! Besides, that girl looks shifty to me!"
"(David) But she looks just like you!"
"(Hallie) Oh... Well, maybe it's the boy."

"(David) They look so insistent!"
"(Hallie) Forget it, if we go up those stairs we'll be lost in another time! Just like that show. What's it called?"
"(David) Land of the Lost?"
"(Hallie) That's it!"
"(David) I think you're right. Look, they're fading away."
"(Hallie) Uh huh! I thought they were a little too, uh... transparent."


(Hallie shuts the door)
"(David) Where did they go?"
"(Hallie) I don't know. Wherever ghosts go when they're not ghosting, I guess."
"(David) Were we really going to follow them up there?"
"(Hallie) Were "we" going to follow? No, but you almost did."
"(David) And if you hadn't stopped me, I'd have been lost in time forever?"
"(Hallie) Probably so!"
"(David) Oh, well thanks Hallie. You know, this gives me a great idea!"
"(Hallie) What?"
"(David) How about if we tell Maggie we left our homework on those stairs?"

(they open the door again)
"(David) Look. The Playroom's gone!"
"(Hallie) And so are Carrie and Tad!"
"(David) There's nothing here but the linens closet!"
(Hallie goes to the shelves)
"(David) What are you doing?"
"(Hallie) Getting some fresh towels. There's no telling when this room will be here again."

(Downstairs, Quentin pours himself a You-Know-What)
"(Liz) Oh, Quentin. What are you up to?"
"(Quentin) Oh, just poring over a few books."
"(Liz) So, I see. Let me get a paper towel and wipe that up."

"(Liz) Have you seen Julia and Barnabas?"
"(Quentin) Oh, they're down at the Old House looking for books about 1840 over there, I think. Do you need them?"
"(Liz) No, I need for them NOT to be here. This is a bit disquieting, and if they heard it, it would just fuel the flames of their ridiculous prophecies."
"(Quentin) What's happened?"
"(Liz) Nothing concrete, I've just had this odd feeling like there's a presence in the house. A strange chill in the air. Do you feel it?"
"(Quentin) No, but don't go by that. With what I drink, I wouldn't feel a chill if it were 10 below."


"(Quentin) What's this presence like? A chill could just mean an open flue."
"(Liz) It's not just a chill. It's hard to explain."
"(Quentin) Have you seen or heard anything?"
"(Liz) Save the ghost stories for Julia and Barnabas. I think I'm just bothered by an entry I read in my horoscope. It said "A Loved One Will Meet a Stranger"."
"(Quentin) And did you ask Mr. Shaw what that meant?"
"(Liz) Yes, he said it meant somebody that they didn't know."
"(Quentin) Um, well, that's a start..."

"(Quentin) Did it say what kind of stranger?"
"(Liz) No, just a stranger."
"(Quentin) A good stranger or a bad one?"
"(Liz) It didn't say, but around here, I assume a bad one. Have you seen a stranger today?"
"(Quentin) On my honor, Elizabeth. I haven't seen anyone today that I haven't seen before." *
"(Liz) The problem is the Horoscope is so vague. A Loved One could mean almost anybody."
"(Quentin) If it had said A Barely Tolerated One, you'd know it meant Roger."
"(Liz) You said it."
* Amphiboly Alert!


(Up in David's Room)
"(David) Calm down, Hallie. The important thing is we didn't follow them."
"(Hallie) But we almost did! If we had, do you realize what would have happened?"
"(David) We'd have been in some other time where the ghosts couldn't get at us?"
"(Hallie) Exactly... Hey, wait a minute..."

"(Hallie) Oh David, now what are we going to do?"
"(David) Beats the heck out of me."
"(Hallie) Quiet! Don't give them ideas!"
"(David) Well, I don't know what we can do, then. Except maybe run away and join the circus. Can you walk a tightrope?"
"(Hallie) I'm afraid of heights!"
"(David) You're afraid of ghosts, too! Which one are you more afraid of!"
"(Hallie) All right, so maybe I could learn to walk a tightrope. What can you do?"
"(David) Juggling."
"(Hallie) You know how to juggle?"
"(David) No, but I've seen father do it with the family books, and it looks easy."


"(Hallie) David, circus juggling is throwing things up in the air and catching them! Not hiding expenses in a falsified business ledger."
"(David) Oh. Well, forget the circus idea, then."
"(Hallie) Maybe we could get kicked out, then! Didn't you say your father threatened to send you to Military School?"
"(David) Only once, and I don't have any nitro-glycerin left to do what I did that time."


"(Hallie) How about if we just run away now and worry about what we're going to do later."
"(David) The ghosts will follow us."
"(Hallie) No! No, they won't. Not as long as we're away from this house and the Playroom!"
"(David) You're right, what have we got to lose?"
(As David goes to the door, he hears it click shut, locking them in)
"(David) Well, that was easy."


"(Hallie) Are you saying we're locked in here??"
"(David) I'm trying not to say it..."
"(Hallie) But we are!"
"(David) Now, don't panic. Maybe if I bang on the door."
"(Hallie) But how would we explain our being in here together? What would happen to my reputation?? We'd have to get married! I'm too young!"
"(David) Hey, calm down. This is still 1970, not 1840!"

"(David) Let me see if the door is still locked."
(Rattle, Rattle, Rattle)
"(David) I didn't think that would work. And you don't want me banging on the door for fear we'd have to get married."
"(Hallie) There's also the fact that we couldn't explain who locked us in here. How about tying bedsheets together? Doesn't that always work in prison movies?"
"(David) Unfortunately, we've only got one bedsheet. I knew we should have picked up some more while the linen closet was around."

"(David) Well, there's nothing else for it. I'll have to go out the window."
"(David) You watch prison movies??"
"(Hallie) Only for Steve McQueen!"

(David opens the window)
"(David) Well, I think I can crawl down this ivy to ground level, then I'll come back inside the house and let you out."
"(Hallie) I've got a bad feeling about this."
"(David) You want to stay locked up in here?"
"(Hallie) No, I've got a bad feeling about that, too. It's just so dangerous! You might fall!"
"(David) You're right... Okay, you go."
"(Hallie) On second thought, bon voyage."

(David stops)
"(Hallie) Having second thoughts?"
"(David) No, I've just got an incredible urge to spit down."


(David heads out the window)
"(David) Oh, good. There's a trellis here. I can climb down that."
"(Hallie) Be careful, David!!"
"(David) I will."
"(Hallie) And try not to fall!"
"(David) Thanks for reminding me."
"(Hallie) And don't look down!"
"(David) Look, will ya shaddap??? How am I supposed to concentrate with all this... WAHHHH!!"
"(Hallie) David?? David, are you all right?"
"(David's Voice) Well, that was the most well-placed hedge in history."


"(Bob Lloyd) To pass the time, Hallie sings show tunes. Unfortunately, the only ones she can remember all the words to are If I Were a Rich Man, and Send in the Clowns."

"(Bob Lloyd) And thus, David Collins became the first teenager to prefer escape to being locked up with a beautiful blonde. There was no joy in Teendom that night."

"(Liz) Hallie? Hallie, was that you singing in there?"
"(Hallie) Mrs. Stoddard, yes! Do you think you could maybe unlock the door?"
"(Liz) Unlock it? I was thinking of having it soundproofed!"


"(Liz) Can't you unlock the door?"
"(Hallie) No, it's locked from the outside!"
"(Liz) If David is in there, you two have to get married, you know."
"(Hallie) (to herself) So much for this not being 1840."


"(Liz) You still haven't answered me, Hallie. Who locked you in here?"
"(Hallie) No one."
"(Liz) That's ridiculous. You weren't locked in here by a ghost. Now, was it David who did it?"
"(Hallie) Um, that's it. It was David."
"(Liz) Sigh. Hallie, the first skill for any woman living under the same roof with David is know how to pick a lock. Give me one of your hairpins, and I'll show you how it works."
"(Hallie) But..."
"(Liz) It's clichéd, but believe me, it works."

(Downstairs, David enters the house and triggers the bucket of water he himself had left propped over the doorway)
"(David) D'oh!"


(In the next room, Quentin is in one of his maudlin moods)
"(Quentin) A Stranger. I wish you were a stranger, Daphne. I wish I'd never seen you! Or maybe the horoscope is talking about me. Maybe I'm the stranger. The real Quentin Collins wouldn't betray his friends like this... Actually, he probably would. Okay, scratch that theory."


(David is standing in the doorway)
"(David) Who were you talking to just now?"
"(Quentin) Er... myself. I enjoy talking to myself, I'm one of the few people who doesn't go over my head."
"(David) You said something about betraying your friends. What did that mean?"
"(Quentin) My brain cells, David. The few that I haven't anesthetized yet. In fact, let's take care of that right now. Uh, never stand between me and the decanter, David. Important safety tip."

"(Quentin) How are things going for you, David? You haven't been menaced by any Evil Spirits lately, have you?"
"(David) Not since it was you, no."
"(Quentin) Good, keep it up... Doing nothing that is."
"(David) All right. Good night."
"(Quentin) Yes, indeed. Good night, Mrs. Calabash, wherever you are."
"(David) Huh?"
"(Quentin) You'd probably have to be drunk for that to be funny."
"(David) Hey, I'm ready any time you are."
"(Quentin) Forget it, Elizabeth would bust me."


(Upstairs, Liz is still trying to calm Hallie)
"(Liz) There, there, Hallie. It's not that bad. You know, I got scared when I was your age, too."
"(Hallie) Really? What did you do about it?"
"(Liz) I dried my eyes and stopped acting like a ninny."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


(David enters)
"(Liz) Well, well. The villain returns to the scene of the crime."
"(David) Uh oh."
"(Liz) David, did you lock Hallie in here?"
"(David) Did she say I did?"
"(Liz) Yes."
"(David) Then I guess I did."
"(Liz) I can't believe what I'm hearing! You know Hallie is our guest. I told you to treat her like a member of the family."
"(David) That's what I was doing!"
"(Liz) D'oh!"

"(Liz) David, why would you do such a cruel and insensitive thing?"
"(David) We were playing a game."
"(Liz) A game?"
"(David) Yeah, it's called Kidnap. I was kidnapping Hallie, and going to hold her for ransom."
"(Liz) But her parents are dead. There's no one to pay it."
"(David) Yeah, it was kind of a dumb game."


"(Hallie) It's all right, Ms. Stoddard. I played the game too."
"(Liz) Don't make excuses for him, Hallie. David, don't you realize what a stupid and cruel thing you did?"
"(David) Well, no ma'am."
"(Liz) When I came in, she was in tears. You frightened poor Hallie half to death. Didn't you stop to think of that?"
"(David) well, no ma'am. She scared to death all the time anyway."
"(Liz) That's not the point!"


"(Liz) Well, I am shocked and disappointed in your behavior, young man. And I don't want to ever hear of this kind of behavior again."
"(David) I'll make sure you don't hear about it."
"(Liz) It was cruel and mean and heartless. Now, I want you to apologize to Hallie."
"(Hallie) Please, Mrs. Stoddard, it was my fault as much as his. I was playing the game too."
"(Liz) Stop undermining my discipline, young lady, or I'll lock you in a room myself."
"(Hallie) Yes, ma'am."


"(Liz) Now, David. Let's have that apology."
"(David) All right. I'm sorry, Hallie. You don't know how truly sorry I really am."
"(Hallie) Yes I do, David. I know you would never do anything to hurt me."
"(David) Do you forgive me?"
"(Hallie) Of course I do. I love you, David."
"(David) And I love you too, Hallie. Let's never fight again."
"(Liz) Boy, the snow is deep in here today."

"(Liz) Now, off to bed, both of you. And David, I don't want to find you outside this room tonight. Is that clear?"
"(David) Yes, ma'am."
"(Liz) And don't talk to any strangers until after midnight."
"(David) I won't."
(Liz leaves)
"(David) Huh???"


"(David) All right, what's the big idea?"
"(Hallie) She found me in here and wanted to know who locked me in. I couldn't say it was a ghost, so I said that you did it."
"(David) Yeah, yeah, quick thinking!"
"(Hallie) Would you rather I'd told the truth?"
"(David) You could have said that the wind blew the door shut and it locked automatically."
"(Hallie) But that kind of door doesn't lock automatically."
"(David) It doesn't!? Wait'll I have it out with with Mrs. Johnson!!"


"(Hallie) What was that bit about not talking to strangers until after midnight?"
"(David) Yeah, that threw me for a loop too. Quentin was saying something about strangers earlier too."
"(Hallie) We've got to be careful. They must never find out. We wouldn't want them to save us... or something."
"(David) Hey, look at that!"
"(Hallie) What?"
"(David) The model is flying a Jolly Roger now!"
"(Hallie) That wasn't there before!"
"(David) It means that this ship used to be a pirate raider!"
"(Hallie) With a name like Java Queen? What did they steal? Non-dairy creamer?"

"(David) Are you sure there wasn't a Jolly Roger there before, and we missed it?"
"(Hallie) There wasn't any flag there before."
"(David) Then who could have put it there??"
"(Hallie) Hey, I've got it! Your father is named Roger, isn't he?"
"(David) Yeah, but he's not Jolly."

(Downstairs, Quentin is still reading that diary)
"(Liz) What are you looking at, Quentin?"
"(Quentin) Oh nothing, nothing. Just a diary I found for Julia."
"(Liz) Oh? I'd like to see it. I love reading other people's diaries."
"(Quentin) It's just the nonsensical ravings of a mad ancestor. His name was also Quentin Collins... naturally."
"(Liz) Uh huh. Are you sure that's not your diary?"
"(Quentin) Oh! Yeah, I got the two mixed up. This one is Great Uncle Quentin's diary."


"(Quentin) But the mad ancestor Quentin's diary is just as bad as mine, I assure you."
"(Liz) Well, now I am curious. May I?"
"(Quentin) Sigh, by my guest."
(Liz looks at the diary with lines of deep concern etched across her features)
"(Quentin) Are you all right? You have lines of deep concern etched across your features."
"(Liz) Oh, shut up!"

"(Liz) Quentin, what does this mean?"
"(Quentin) What does what mean?"
"(Liz) This entry here. Tomorrow we bury Carrie and Tod."
"(Quentin) Tad."
"(Liz) Whatever! What does it mean?"
"(Quentin) I suppose... just what it sounds like... Um... Obviously they were planning a trip to the beach."


"(Bob Lloyd) Meanwhile upstairs, David is dead."
"(Dan Curtis) He's just sleeping!"
"(Bob Lloyd) Oh sorry, I jumped the gun there... Slightly..."

(Liz comes in to check on David)
"(Liz) Thank goodness he's asleep."
"(Liz) It seems like I say that every day, whether his life is in danger or not."


(Liz kisses David good night)
"(Liz) No strangers to trouble his day. Today is over and nothing happened. Thank goodness..."
"(Liz) The Nielson people won't be too happy about it, but I am!"

(After Liz leaves, the acid starts to kick in)

(David dreams that he's in bed dreaming that Gerard is standing in the doorway)
"(David) I've got to try to wake up! I've got to try to wake up!... No... No, I'd better not. He might still be there."

(David walks out into the hallway)
"(David) Hallie!?"
"(Hallie) Don't look at me. I told you to close the flue before we went to bed."


(Walking downstairs, David and Hallie see a woman who looks just like Liz, but in 19th century clothing, enter the house)
"(Woman Who Looks Just Like Liz) where are they? Where are they?"
(A man who looks just like Quentin comes out of the Drawing Room)
"(Man Who Looks Just Like Quentin) Flora! Flora, don't go in there!"
"(Woman Who Looks Just Like Liz Flora) Don't try to stop me Quentin! I must see them!"
"(Man Who Looks Just Like Quentin Quentin) You can't!"

"(Flora) Please, Quentin! I've got to see Tad and Carrie!"
"(Quentin) Now, now, you can't do any good in there. Let's go wait in the Study."
"(Flora) At least tell me how they are!"
"(Quentin) Well.... they're not getting any worse, let's put it that way."


"(Flora) You mean they're..."
"(Quentin) I'm afraid so... Assuming you were about to say what I'm thinking."
"(Flora) I was going to say Dead."
"(Quentin) In that case, you're right."
"(Flora) Oh no! What are we going to do? What are we going to do??"
"(Quentin) Now, now, the first thing I'm going to do is take you to the Study, and get you drunk off your keister."
"(Flora) Oh Quentin, that wouldn't help."
"(Quentin) Wouldn't hurt."

(David and Hallie watch Quentin lead a sobbing Flora upstairs)
"(Hallie) Why am I having this dream? I didn't even have any of that leftover pepperoni pizza!"

(Morbidly curious, David and Hallie take a peek inside the Drawing Room, and gasp in horror at the sight of Tad and Carrie's bodies stretched out on two light biers) *
* Insert pun here.

(Hallie is particularly appalled)
"(Hallie) You mean that Carrie DIED in that dress I've been wearing?? Eewwww!!"


(David wakes up and meets Hallie in the hallway, coming to see him)
"(Hallie) You had a dream! I know!"
"(David) Yes! A horrible looking man led us down the stairs!"
"(Hallie) Um, Ixnay."
"(David) A big ugly brute in black clothes, and a sneer from here to here!"
"(Hallie) Shut up, David, shut up..."


"(David) What's the matter with you?"
"(Hallie) Oh, for the love of... LOOK!"
(Gerard is standing being David's back)
"(David) Gulp!"
"(Hallie) Aieeee!!!!"
(Hallie runs off screaming)
"(David) (not noticing) Don't worry, Hallie! We can deal with this guy if we stick together... Um... Hallie? Hallie? Where'd she go?"
(fade to black)

"(Liz) Hey, wait a minute. Just because a loved one will meet a stranger, that's not necessarily a bad thing."
"(Hallie) Waaaaah!...."
"(Liz) On the other hand..."

"(Bob Lloyd) Today on Dark Shadows, we bring you visual proof that Quentin is four sheets to the wind."
"(Quentin) All I ask is a tall ship glass and a star to steer her by."



"(Gerard) ......." *
* Gerard hasn't got a speaking part yet, you know."

"(Bob Lloyd) Just a reminder to AMT, Tamiya, and Aurora, and all the rest of you guys. There's a gold mine waiting for the first one of you that snaps up the rights to this model kit."

          Episode 1086:   After Tad and Carrie beckon David and Hallie to enter the stairway through time, the stairway disappears.