Today on Dark Shadows, Julia wears her first See-Through Blouse...

The Collinsport Players Do Fifty Shades of Gray!

Julia Practices Self-Chiropractic!

Gerard Becomes a Wallflower!

Today on Dark Shadows...

Daphne Says Her Prayers!
"And Quentin grants them!"

Quentin is Troubled by Door to Door Salesmen!
"We have easy payment plans, sir!"
"Will you go AWAY???"

Julia Schmoozes With Sebastian!
"I realize I was wrong about you now. I heard you even appeared on Peter Venkman's World of the Psychic, right between the story about the possessed toaster that burned bread with the devil's mark, and the one about the three-headed chicken."

Quentin and Julia Have a Drinking Contest!
"This is an 8 glass head start you've given me. We're only going to 10."
"Don't worry, I'll still win."

Gerard Makes an Amazing Find!
"130 years old, and this licorice whip is still edible!"

Gerard and Daphne Have a Lover's Quarrel!
"Ever since we died, you never take me anywhere any more! We just sit here staring at these same four walls, rattling chains every night!"

Episode 1087

Starring James Storm, David Henesy, Grayson Hall, David Selby, Kate Jackson
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Quentin Collins..."
(Squeal of nearby groupies)

"(Quentin) The great house of Collinwood in 1970. On this night, David and Hallie have both dreamed of seeing Tad and Carrie dead in 1840. In the dream they met a sneering ghost whom David has just met for real upon awakening. Desperately, he tries to bluff his way out of it."
"(David) Uh... I suppose you're wondering why I asked you here."

(Gerard advances menacingly)
"(David) Who are you? Keep away from me? Don't sneer at me that way!"
(Gerard smiles evilly)
"(David) On second thought, go ahead and sneer."

(Gerard approaches David)
"(David) You're the same man who was in my dream! How could you be in my dream and be here? Who are you? What do you want from me? Do you hear me?"
(Gerard holds up a sign reading "Ghosts don't speak in this story, remember?")



(Outside, Julia hears David's screams)
"(David) No, no! Noooo!!!!"
"(Julia) (Bursting in) Who? What? Where? Why? When?"
"(David) You forgot How."
"(Julia) How??"

"(David) Any reason you've come barging into my bedroom, Doctor Hoffman?"
"(Julia) Well, yes. I heard you scream!"
"(David) And do you just come running every time somebody screams in this house?"
"(Julia) Well, no, but you aren't normally given to screaming in the middle of the night for no reason at all."
"(David) I just wanted to see what Hallie got out of it."
"(Julia) Hallie?"
"(David) Yeah, she panics all the time and I wanted to see if I was missing anything."
"(Julia) Were you?"
"(David) No, I didn't like it, so just forget it."


"(Julia) Well, I don't believe anyone would scream just for the fun of it."
"(David) Why else?"
"(Julia) He's been here, hasn't he? I can feel his presence."
"(David) He Who? Nobody's been here."
"(Julia) David, I don't believe you screamed just for the fun of it!"
"(David) All right, so I had a bad dream."
"(Julia) A dream?"
"(David) A nightmare."
"(Julia) What kind? Tell it to me."
"(David) It was… it was about a war."
"(Julia) Don't lie to me, David."
"(David) What makes you say that I'm lying? What right have you got to call me a liar?"
(Julia holds out a certificate)
"(Julia) Remember? Your father made you sign this after the Electric Eel Incident."

"(David) Okay, I may have lied about that, but I'm telling the truth about this. I do tell the truth sometimes. I just had a nightmare."
"(Julia) Was there a man in your dream, David?"
"(David) There were lots of men in my dream."
"(Julia) I mean a particular man."
"(David) What particular man?"
"(Julia) Dark hair, cold evil eyes, black coat, ruffled shirt, and looked exactly like Dr. Larry Wolek from One Life to Live?"
"(David) Beats me, I wouldn't be caught dead near soap operas."


"(David) What makes you think that you can describe a man from my dream? That's a little presumptuous, isn't it?"
"(Julia) Okay, you tell me what the dream was about."
"(David) Well... It was about a war."
"(Julia) A war?"
"(David) Collinwood was surrounded, by infantry, and tanks and planes. King Kong had climbed the Tower, with Carolyn in his hands, and they were bombing Collinwood to get rid of him, but I was inside!"
"(Julia) What is there for a kid to dislike about that?"
"(David) Um... The soldiers were all broccoli farmers, and I was afraid of becoming a P.O.W."


"(Julia) David, if you're keeping something from me, you shouldn't."
"(David) Who says I am?"
"(Julia) All right, let's say you're not... But if you are, it's very important that I know if something unusual is going on."
"(David) Well, something unusual IS going on, if you must know!"
"(Julia) Yes?"
"(David) I'm trying to get some sleep and some nutty doctor is making a Federal case out of some kid's pepperoni-induced nightmare!"


"(David) Everybody's been so weird around here lately. I can't do anything here without one of you jumping down my back! Trying to scare me! Asking me if anything unusual is happening!"
"(Julia) Is that so bad?"
"(David) Well, the only unusual things around here are you! And Barnabas! And Quentin!"
"(Julia) David, calm down."
"(David) Pretty soon Aunt Elizabeth or Mrs. Johnson is going to come in there wanting to chew me out for being awake!"
"(Julia) I'll vouch for you..."
"(David) How am I supposed to get any sleep with you people crawling the halls?"
"(Julia) All right, David. I'll go. But before I do, would you mind just looking at this swinging medallion for a moment, and... (Uh oh! I haven't got it! I must have left the Hypno-disc at McDonald's today when I used it to wangle an extra order of fries out of that clerk.)"

"(Julia) All right, David, I'll let you go to sleep. Don't let the bedbugs bits... Or anything else."
"(David) Dr. Hoffman, can I ask you something? Aunt Elizabeth said that you visited the year 1995."
"(Julia) That's right."
"(David) Well, what am I like 25 years from now?"
"(Julia) Well, let's just say you'd gotten back to the soil."
"(David) You mean I became a farmer?"
"(Julia) Take it any way you want it."


(As Julia leaves, David calls out to Gerard)
"(David) I didn't tell her anything!... Nothing at all... Because… because I knew you wouldn't want me to!... Unless of course, she's listening outside the door, in which case, Uh Oh."

(Meanwhile, Quentin and Daphne have gone back to her place)
"(Quentin) All right Daphne, I've put up with this as long as I'm going to! I want some answers. What's going on in this house??"
(Daphne holds up a sign reading "Ghosts don't speak in this story, remember?")
"(Quentin) Don't give me that!!"


"(Quentin) Where have you been all my life? I've lived in this house for years, and never saw you before. What made you decide to appear now? And why do I act this way around you? Give me one good reason I shouldn't go and tell Barnabas and Julia all about you!"
(Daphne liplocks Quentin)
"(Quentin) All right, that's one good reason. Now, give me two."

(Daphne spots Gerard behind Quentin's back)
"(Quentin) Oh, Daphne! You and I could make beautiful music together."
(Daphne looks like she's more afraid of FACING the music than making it)


(As Gerard sneers at Daphne, she pulls away)
"(Quentin) What's wrong? Is it something I said?..."
(Daphne doesn't answer) *
"(Quentin) It's not my... my breath, is it? What would the undead care about bad breath?... Why am I even asking that??"
* Obviously.

(Daphne starts to show Quentin the door)
"(Quentin) You expect me to come running every time you lift your skirt an inch off the floor, but you just toss me aside whenever you get tired of me. Well, I'm not putting up with it any more! I shouldn't have to! I've got other dead girlfriends, you know!" *
* Speaking of which, since we've now established that Quentin's taste in women extends to the dead, how come Beth and Amanda have never come back for more?


"(Quentin) Now, you hear this. Unless you tell me why... ALL the whys, I'm going to Barnabas and Julia and do the right thing! And it'll hurt me more than it hurts you!"
(Daphne turns away in anguish)
"(Quentin) There, there, don't cry. Why do I always give you another chance? All right, I will give you another chance. ONE more."
(Quentin heads for the door)
"(Quentin) Just remember. This is the LAST Final Chance you're getting!"

(Quentin storms out, loosening the plaster overhead, which breaks loose and falls through Daphne's body)

(After Quentin leaves, Gerard re-appears in the room. Since neither he nor Daphne have speaking roles, the scene starts to drag a bit)

(After 5 minutes of mutual silence, Gerard picks up a quill pin, writes a note, and holds it up to the camera)
"(Gerard's Note) You know what you must do."
(Gerard hands the quill to Daphne, who writes her own note)
"(Daphne's Note) Never, you fiend!"
(Gerard grabs the Quill, and writes)
"(Gerard's Note) You know what happens to those who defy me."
Coming up Tomorrow, Dark Shadows: The Silent Movie


(Downstairs, Sebastian is studying Liz's Horoscope)
"(Sebastian) This is the most convoluted piece of pseudo-scientific nincompoopery I have ever... Oh, wait a minute. I wrote this."

(Julia enters)
"(Julia) Mr. Shaw, what are you doing here? Oh, my stars!"
"(Sebastian) Cute. Real cute."


"(Julia) Proofreading Mrs. Stoddard's horoscope for spelling errors?"
"(Sebastian) No, Mrs. Stoddard was puzzled by a phrase I'd used."
"(Julia) Oh yes, she mentioned it to me: "A loved one will meet a stranger". Have you figured out who the loved one is?"
"(Sebastian) Not exactly. But I have made some progress."
"(Julia) Really? What?"
"(Sebastian) I've figured out who the stranger in this room is that I'm not discussing a paying client's private file with!"
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Julia) I… seem to be intruding. You want to be left alone to work, don't you?"
"(Sebastian) Well, what do you know? You're psychic now too!"
"(Julia) Now, Mr. Shaw. You're not still annoyed, are you that, purely in a fit of pique, I implied you were a two-bit dime store phony, are you?"
"(Sebastian) As a matter of fact, I am, doctor... I mean you may be used to hearing that kind of thing, but I am not!"

"(Julia) I was rash. I spoke out of turn. I've learned a lot about you since then."
"(Julia) Yes, it's a whole series of clippings about cases you've worked on. It looks like a lot of your predictions have come true."
"(Sebastian) Well, what do you know."
"(Julia) These were sent to me by some friends in New York: The McClellans. Do you know them?"
"(Sebastian) No, I can't say that I do."
"(Julia) Are you sure? They know you."
"(Sebastian) Dr. Hoffman, there are eight MILLION people in New York. I don't know them."
"(Julia) Are you sure? Mr. McClellan wears glasses."
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"


"(Julia) The McClellans are just fascinated by the occult."
"(Sebastian) Oh, dilettantes, eh?"
"(Julia) These articles tell me that you're the real McCoy. Why would someone with your talents have settled in Collinsport?"
"(Sebastian) Dr. Hoffman, do you consider yourself a friend of mine?"
"(Julia) Well, of course. We... talked about the future, we had some laughs, I made you some tea. Why wouldn't we be?"
"(Sebastian) Maybe because we barely know each other?"
"(Julia) Would you like to get to know me better?"
"(Sebastian) Let's put it this way. I'd like that almost as much as joining the Army, listening to Lawrence Welk, and wearing a three-piece suit."
"(Julia) Is that a Yes or a No?"
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"

"(Sebastian) The answer is no, and why you suddenly my biggest fan?"
"(Julia) Because I feel you could use your talent to help us."
"(Sebastian) What makes you think I haven't already?"
"(Julia) Because the other day you were playing the piano, and you played a tune that you said you made up in your head, but which is actually the Theme Song of Spook Central."
"(Sebastian) Blast it Jim, I'm a Psychic, not a Musicologist!"

"(Julia) Don't give me that, you know there's only one place you could have learned that tune."
"(Sebastian) You know, Dr. Hoffman, I heard somewhere that there are probably only 12 basic tunes."
"(Julia) I thought it was only 12 faces."
"(Sebastian) That too. So, isn't it possible that I hit upon one that you had heard before?"
"(Julia) If I say yes, will you help us?"
"(Sebastian) Maybe."
"(Julia) Yes."
"(Sebastian) No."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Julia) Mr. Shaw, you have got to help us!"
"(Sebastian) Ooooh, I HATE being told I have to do something!"
"(Julia) There are spirits in this house! And every time those spirits appear, that music is heard! They are very vengeful spirits, and they want to destroy this place!"
"(Sebastian) What could I do?"
"(Julia) One word from you, and Mrs. Stoddard would move the children out of the house."
"(Sebastian) And that's my responsibility? Me? A stranger? You know, I think you're just a hysteric! A hysteric who sees ghosts and goblins behind every drapery!"
"(Julia) That's beside the point!"


(Sebastian storms out and meets David in the Foyer)
"(David) Mr. Shaw?"
"(Sebastian) Huh?"
"(David) You are Mr. Shaw, aren't you? The one who did my aunt Elizabeth's horoscope?"
"(Sebastian) Guilty... Well, not guilty, exactly. Sorry, poor choice of words."

(Minutes later, in David's Room)
"(Sebastian) Now, what can I do for you, David?"
"(David) Can I talk to you about my Aunt Elizabeth's horoscope?"
"(Sebastian) Well, certainly. What is it, young shaver-me-lad?"
"(David) First of all, will you please NEVER call me that again?"

"(Sebastian) Of course. I'm sorry, I'm not very good at Square talk. isn't that how the Squares talk?"
"(David) Maybe in the gay 90's. But I heard there was something in my Aunt's horoscope saying that a loved one would meet a stranger."
"(Sebastian) That's right."
"(David) I was wondering if that might refer to me."
"(Sebastian) I was just working on that problem downstairs, and I'm not sure yet. There are a couple of people it might be... (Um, you ARE a loved one, aren't you?)"

"(Sebastian) Is it really important to you?"
"(David) Yeah, everybody seemed really worried about who the stranger might be, so I thought I should be too. I don't know what it is in this house lately with horoscopes."
"(Sebastian) Well, don't you believe in horoscopes, David?"
"(David) I'm not sure... I think I DID before the adults got all gung ho on them. They kind of lost their Rebellion Value after that."


"(Sebastian) I think you do believe in them, David. I think you believe in them even more than the adults."
"(David) Well, if the loved one isn't me, it doesn't matter if I believe in them or not."
"(Sebastian) Well, who knows? Maybe you're the loved one and I'm the stranger."
"(David) No, we met the other day, remember?"
"(Sebastian) When?"
"(David) Three episodes ago. You stormed out of the house just as the Professor was taking Hallie and I to meet you."
"(Sebastian) Ah, but we weren't formally introduced, were we?"
"(David) Does that count?"
"(Sebastian) Are you saying Astrology isn't an Exact Science?"
"(David) Is it?"
"(Sebastian) Of course not. Just don't SAY it!"

"(Sebastian) Now, is there anything else I can reassure you about?"
"(David) Yeah. My Aunt says her horoscope says everything is peaceful, and nothing bad will happen the rest of the year. Is that true?"
"(Sebastian) Well..."
"(David) I mean you really meant all those good things you said, didn't you? Nothing bad is going to happen to us, is there?"
"(Sebastian) Um... sure, kid, sure. I meant it all."
"(David) Seriously?"
"(Sebastian) I'm so sure that if anything happens to you, your Aunt will get double her money back."
"(David) Don't spread that around! She might kill me herself for that."

"My name is Victoria Winters. If I'd known the show would still be around two years later, I might never have left..."

(Downstairs, Quentin is examining a note ostensibly from Daphne)
"(Quentin) (reading) I will tell you all tonight. Midnight. My room. Daphne."
"(Quentin) Why do I suddenly have the feeling that someone is reading over my shoulder?"


(Julia enters, shivering)
"(Julia) It's so cold in here. Don't… don't you feel the chill?"
"(Quentin) Ha! Hardly. What I've got in me works better than antifreeze."

"(Quentin) Why don't you have a brandy with me, Julia?"
"(Julia) Is there any left??"
"(Quentin) If you ask me in 30 seconds, there won't be."
"(Julia) I'll take it."
(Quentin hands her a glass)
"(Julia) Thank you. I just came here to find Elizabeth's horoscope. I was going to study it, and... and..."
"(Julia) Aren't you going to drink yours?"
"(Quentin) (wistfully) I was hoping you'd describe yours first."


"(Julia) I'm afraid I made quite a fool of myself this afternoon with Sebastian Shaw. I'm afraid I don't understand him at all. "
"(Quentin) Why do we need to?"
"(Julia) If his powers are genuine, he could be of real help to us."
"(Quentin) I see. (painfully generously) Uh, can I get you another brandy?"
"(Julia) Why, Quentin! Are you trying to get me tipsy?"
(Quentin shudders and downs two more of his own)

"(Julia) Shaw could be a boon if we could get on his good side."
"(Quentin) Well, he seems like a pretty affable, flower-power type love child. How hard could it be to get on his good side? Put on a little Bob Dylan and a few black light posters, and you should have him eating out of your hand."
"(Julia) Yeah, but it's not that easy. You see, I made the mistake the other day of insulting his character. I don't think we could count on his help now if we offered to pay him in hash."

"(Julia) Well, I've got to go check on David. At least Barnabas and I know we can count on you, Quentin."
"(Quentin) Um... Yeah. Well, I, uh, really haven't been very much help during this story."
"(Julia) No, but you're on our side, and that means a lot to us."
"(Quentin) Barnabas should know that, uh, I'm not very dependable. In fact, dependability has never been one of my signature traits."
"(Julia) Oh, Quentin! Ha, ha, ha...."
"(Quentin) You don't think so?"
"(Julia) No, I do, I just didn't know you knew that about yourself."
"(Quentin) D'oh!"

(In David's Room, Julia spots the Jolly Roger on the Java Queen, and gasps in horror, just in case it should mean something horrible)

(David enters
"(David) What are you doing in my room?"
"(Julia) David, where did this flag come from? It wasn't on the ship before."
"(David) I don't think that's any of your business!"
"(Quentin) I'm just curious. Where did you get this flag? It's not home made."
"(David) I cut it off an iodine bottle, okay? That doesn't give you any right to poking and prying and snooping in my private things! I didn't expect a kind of Spanish Inquisition!" *
"(Julia) (to herself) Now I wish I'd saved that "Gasp" from the last picture to use right now..."
* If you're expecting the Spanish Inquisition to burst in now, guess again.

"(Julia) David, don't get so upset!"
"(David) If I am, it's your fault! Do I have to put Keep Out signs up to get some privacy around here??"
"(Julia) Now David, don't go all teenage on me. Honestly, I think I liked you better when you were putting Nair in my shampoo."
"(David) I'm getting tired of all the questions, and snooping, and prying, and... (perk) Oh, really?"


(In Daphne's Room, Gerard winds a rope into a garrote, as Daphne looks quite... ahem... dispirited)

(Downstairs, Julia is reading)
"(Julia) Famous people born under the sign of Capricorn include Boxing King Muhammad Ali, Future Queen Kate Middleton, and Royal Pain, Jim Carrey."


(David enters sheepishly)
"(David) Still looking for Rose Cottage?"
"(Julia) Yep."
"(David) Any luck?"
"(Julia) Nope."
"(David) What are you going to do when you find it?"
"(Julia) Try to keep it from being destroyed."
"(David) What if it's already been destroyed?"
(Julia throws the book at him)


"(David) Julia? I just wanted to say I shouldn't have talked to you the way I did before. I'm sorry."
"(Julia) Oh, that's all right. I guess I shouldn't have gone into your room when you weren't there."
"(David) Well, I'm sorry I yelled at you and told you to get out and called you a snoopy old busybody, and all that."
"(Julia) But you didn't call me a snoopy old busybody."
"(David) I didn't? I guess I just thought that."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(David) You're not mad at me?"
"(Julia) No."
"(David) Good. Because I don't like it when people are mad at me."
"(Julia) Why are you so upset about this now?"
"(David) Oh, I just got to thinking what if something happened and we never had a chance to make up?"
"(Julia) Something happened?"
"(David) You know, like something happened to me... or to you... or to your car, and we never had a chance to..."
"(Julia) David, what did you DO?????"

"(David) I didn't do anything, I was just thinking about it."
"(Julia) Thank goodness. Come on, let me get you back up to bed. I left Elizabeth's horoscope in your room, anyway."
"(David) Okay, and I hope you find out where Rose Cottage is before it's too late."
"(Julia) What does that mean?"
"(David) Oh, I don't know. I don't know why I said that."
"(Julia) All right, let's go... Um, David?"
"(David) Yes?"
"(Julia) Are you sure you didn't do anything to my car?"
(David holds up a potato)
"(David) Naw, this wouldn't even fit in your tailpipe."


(Upstairs, Gerard and Daphne are still trying to carry on a scene without either one of them speaking; Ken McEwen tries to help by loading subtitles, but unfortunately pulls the subtitles from an old Batman episode)
"(Gerard) Both hands on the Bat Rope, Old Chum."
"(Daphne) Holy Priceless Collection of Etruscan Snoods!"

(Downstairs, Quentin is downing another)
"(Quentin) The doctor said to drink three fingers of brandy for my cold. I've just had two bottles and it hasn't gone to my fingers yet."

"(Quentin) Five minutes to midnight."
(Julia enters)
"(Quentin) Oh, fine."
"(Julia) Quentin. Quentin there's a fascinating thing in Elizabeth's horoscope for tomorrow!"
"(Quentin) Dilettante!"
"(Julia) It says an enemy will become a friend."
"(Quentin) What's wrong with that? More friends are good."
"(Julia) But it doesn't make any sense. Elizabeth has no enemies.... No surviving ones, that is."

"(Quentin) Well, I'll think about it on my way to bed."
"(Julia) Oh Quentin, wait! I'll have another brandy with you."
"(Quentin) Uh, thank you, no."
"(Julia) Quentin!? YOU'RE turning down a brandy?"
"(Quentin) Turning down, nothing. It's all gone, I drank the last six bottles while you were upstairs."

"(Bob Lloyd) How come they call midnight the Bewitching Hour, when Bewitched is on at 8:30?"


(Quentin bounds into Daphne's room)
"(Quentin) Daphne, I got your note promising to bare it all! (Okay, maybe that's not exactly what she said...)"


(As Quentin looks around, Gerard comes up behind with his garrote)
"(Quentin) Where are you, Daphne? Is this some kind of choke?"
(fade to black)


"(Quentin) I came here for a date. Why do I feel like I'm about to get voted off the island?"

"(Dan Curtis) Say good night, Gerard."
"(Ghost of Gerard) Dy-no-mite!"
"(Dan Curtis) Haven't they fixed those subtitles yet???..."

"(Ghost of Daphne) Angels, I want you to go undercover at a fashion show..."
"(Dan Curtis) D'oh!"



          Episode 1087:   The ghost of Gerard menaces David. Julia begs Sebastian to use his psychic powers to help the children.