The Collinsport Players Do Star Trek: Borg!


Mattell Markets a Quentin Collins Doll!
"Pull his string, and he orders 9 different drinks."


Special Guest Star: The Wicked Witch of the West's Brother!

Today on Dark Shadows...


Julia Tries Isometric Exercises!


Liz Shatters a Glass Over the Telephone!


Mr. Osmund Finds a Painting of Daphne's Room Underneath a Portrait of Sebastian!


Episode 1088

Starring David Selby, James Storm, Grayson Hall, Joan Bennett, Christopher Pennock, Donna Wandrey
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Elizabeth Stoddard. It's wash day at the Great Estate of Collinwood in 1970, and the line outside will soon be strung with drying knickers..."


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"(Liz) Julia and Barnabas wait for the first signs of the catastrophe they know is to happen. In actual fact, they've already missed the first three or four of them, as the problem unfolds behind their backs. Speaking of things happening behind their backs, Quentin was about to get a lesson in that himself from this man. Let's watch..."


(Quentin optimistically enters Daphne's Room)
"(Quentin) Daphne? Daphne? I got your note saying to meet you here at midnight, and come alone and unarmed."


(As Gerard hides behind the drapes to strangle him, at the Old House, the hair stands up on the back of Quentin's portrait's neck)


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(As Gerard sneaks up behind Quentin, he stops to pose dramatically)
"(Ghost of Gerard) (to himself) Will someone please come and rescue him? I can't hold this forever."


(Outside Daphne's Room, Julia walks by)
"(Julia) Hello?"
(Hearing no sound or anything unusual, Julia nevertheless walks into Daphne's Room anyway) *
* Sorry, we thought about this cliffhanger overnight, and simply couldn't come up with any legitimate way to save Quentin.


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(Julia enters Daphne's Room)
"(Quentin) Quentin? Quentin, what are you doing here?"
(at the sight of a frumpy doctor, Gerard vanishes into the ether) *
* Sorry, we couldn't make this work either.


"(Quentin) Never mind what I'm doing here, what are YOU doing here! Following me around, you're as bad as my mother!"
"(Julia) I'm sorry, I just had a strange sudden feeling that you were about to be strangled by some malevolent spirit."
"(Quentin) Boy, of all the cheap, phony justifications I've ever heard, that one HAS to take the biscuit!"


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"(Quentin) Your feelings were wrong. As you can see, no one else is here."
"(Julia) That still doesn't explain what you're doing here again."
"(Quentin) And you expect an explanation, of course. All right. Let's see, now. (sarcastically) The truth is rather boring. I should expect you to want to hear a more lively story. One filled with intrigue and romance."
"(Julia) And gypsies!"
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


"(Quentin) Well, I'm not going to make up a yarn at all if you're going to laugh at it in advance!"
"(Julia) Oh, Quentin..."
"(Quentin) The fact is that I was going to my bedroom, as I told you downstairs, when I passed by this room and thought I heard a noise inside."
"(Julia) What kind of noise?"
"(Quentin) Something that went Bump in the night. I had the feeling it might be a ghost, or spirit."
"(Julia) Really?? (slightly spooked)"
"(Quentin) Or some malevolent presence, so I came to check it out."
"(Julia) (to herself) If that's not my hand, I'm going to scream!"


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"(Quentin) So, I checked this room. Didn't see anyone. Didn't hear anyone."
"(Julia) Nothing bumping either?"
"(Quentin) No, uh, I thought I might have heard somebody walking. But I didn't see or hear anyone until I heard your voice."
"(Julia) No one that we can see, maybe. But don't you feel the Evil in this room? His Evil?"
"(Quentin) His?? (to himself) Don't tell me Daphne had a boyfriend! Nobody mentioned that part! I'm a Lover, not a Fighter!"


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"(Julia) Do you know whose room is this, Quentin?"
"(Quentin) I have no more idea than I did the last time you asked me."
"(Julia) Was it His?"
"(Quentin) Without knowing who He was, it's hard to say. Was he a servant?"
"(Julia) How do you know this is a servant's room?"
"(Quentin) Elementary, my dear Julia. The Collins' are noted for their lavish tastes. And the furnishings in this room are rather Trojan."
"(Julia) Why, Quentin! You're using the old noggin for a change. I had no idea you had any real detective skills."
"(Quentin) Why, thank you."
"(Julia) Of course, the term is "Spartan", not "Trojan", but we can work on English grammar some other day."
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


"(Quentin) Why don't we leave?"
"(Julia) I'm not sure if we should, if you heard a noise."
"(Quentin) I'm not sure I did. My imagination may be working overtime. You and Barnabas have created such an air of tension around here that we're all on edge."
"(Julia) Oh, Quentin..."
"(Quentin) Then when I get jittery, you accuse me of some sinister motive."
"(Julia) Now, that is unfair, Quentin. Barnabas and I would never suspect you of being disloyal to us."
"(Quentin) Really?"
"(Julia) Stupid, yes. Disloyal, no."


"(Julia) I don't mean to give you a hard time, Quentin. You just don't realize how insidious Gerard is."
"(Quentin) Um, yeah. This Gerard. Is he supposed to be in love with the other ghost? The sexy governess?"
"(Julia) I don't know if Gerard is capable of love as we understand it. And why do you care?"
"(Quentin) Um, well, because you said that in 1995 I was madly in love with her. I was just wondering what kind of a thrill I could have with a ghost. If she and I do end up taking a roll in the old hay sometime, I don't want her boyfriend spoiling it."
"(Julia) (disdainfully) I take it back. Maybe Gerard is capable of love as YOU understand it."


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(Later downstairs, Liz is studying her horoscope)
"(Liz) I'm getting to be like one of those silly women that read their horoscope every morning."
"(Julia) Sillier. They didn't pay hundreds of dollars for theirs."
"(Liz) D'oh!"


"(Liz) This is odd. I've got to call up Mr. Shaw about this."
"(Julia) About what?"
"(Liz) This note in my horoscope. It says that an enemy will become a friend."
"(Julia) Is that bad?"
"(Liz) Julia, I don't want any of my enemies for friends! If I wanted their friendship, I'd have bought it in the first place."


(Liz dials the phone)
"(Phone) Welcome to the Ghostbusters hotline. To serve you better, please make the following selections from your touch tone phone. If you have a full torsal, free-floating phantasm, press 1. If you have..."
"(Liz) D'oh!"


(Liz navigates the phone tree)
"(Liz) (muttering to herself) An enemy will become a friend. A loved one will meet a stranger. I ask you... (phone answers) Hello, Mr. Shaw?"
"(Sebastian) Rapping."
"(Liz) Rapping?"
"(Sebastian) Sorry, I meant speaking. (Square!)"


"(Liz) Mr. Shaw? This is Mrs. Stoddard."
"(Sebastian) Oh, good morning, Mrs. Stoddard. How do you do?"
"(Liz) I don't know, I just do. But there is something in my chart today that puzzles me."
"(Sebastian) Oh? "(Liz) I wondered if you could come over this afternoon and clarify it."
(Sebastian looks at his absolutely empty appointment book)
"(Sebastian) Oh gee, I'm pretty booked up today."
"(Liz) Are you telling me you can't make it?"
"(Sebastian) Oh no. No, if it's important, I can make some time this evening. Say at 8?"
"(Liz) Good, I'd have hated to have to tell you your future."


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"(Liz) How do you like that? He can't see me until 8 tonight. I can't believe his waiting room is jammed with people all day."
"(Julia) Neither can I, but when a hippie says he's indisposed, I'd suggest going along with him. Depending on what state he's in, I'd hate to have him come over here and hallucinate us both as Ice Skating Mongooses or something."


(At Sebastian's Pad)
"(Sebastian) What do I do?? I don't want to go back to that nuthouse! That hand in the box, that butler who always says "You Rang?". That Morticia person who's always cutting the blooms off of flowers. No, wait. That's the Addam's Family. Maybe if I fake a headache. Better yet, my death!"


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(Quentin returns to the West Wing)
"(Quentin) You know, this has got to be the most times I've ever been in the room of a lady I haven't done it with."


"(Quentin) Daphne, are you here?"
(no answer)
"(Quentin) (to himself) What am I doing back here? How will I explain it if Julia catches me again?"
(Quentin spots Gerard's garrote on the floor)
"(Quentin) What's this? This wasn't here before. Who could have left it?... Not Daphne... Her M.O. is a stiletto in the back, as I recall."


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"(Quentin) Daphne? Daphne, I must see you! Please, we don't have much time left! They're going to find out soon! You don't have to explain anything! Just let me see you!"
(pause)
"(Quentin) And wear something slinky."


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(At Sebastian's Pad)
"(Roxanne) You'd better leave if you're going to make it to Collinwood by 8."
"(Sebastian) (sarcastically) Psychics don't drive cars. They fly on magic carpets!"
"(Roxanne) You're going to need one, Sebastian. Because if you don't get to Collinwood, Sebastian, I'm going to send you to the moon!"


"(Sebastian) I don't want to go back to that place!"
"(Roxanne) When Mrs. Stoddard first called, you were happy about it."
"(Sebastian) Yeah, but I didn't know then that I was going to have to lie to her! I've always told the truth. It's been a fetish with me."
"(Roxanne) Well, don't worry, you've still got a lot of fetishes left. Now, get out that door."
"(Sebastian) I've got a better idea. Why don't we stay here, and unplug the phone?"
"(Roxanne) If we do that, we'd better turn out the lights too, because we're not going to be able to afford them for long."


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"(Sebastian) Why did I have to deliberately lie to her?"
"(Roxanne) You know perfectly well that we thought it best to tell her what she wanted to hear!"
"(Sebastian) Yeah, but really! You could get more truth if you called Jack Benny and asked him his age!"
"(Roxanne) Sebastian, if you don't get out that door and go to Collinwood, you're going to regret it. Maybe not tomorrow, maybe not the day after. But definitely five minutes from now."


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"(Sebastian) Easy to say, you weren't there yesterday. That witch doctor and her clipping collection. Accusing me of helping to destroy the family. Destroy those kids. Knowing she was right but not being able to admit it."
"(Roxanne) What could you do? You can't fight those ghosts even if you want to."
"(Sebastian) I could warn them. Get them out of the house."
"(Roxanne) Oh, great. They leave the house, nothing happens, and they resent you for making them leave."
"(Sebastian) Have you got a better idea?"
"(Roxanne) Sebastian, I'm not saying we can never tell her. She's just not ready for the truth yet."
"(Sebastian) When will she be?"
"(Roxanne) As soon as it's too late."


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"(Roxanne) Barnabas and that doctor will eventually make the family leave the house, and take the blame for it."
"(Sebastian) Unless the disaster happens first."
"(Roxanne) Look, how about if I come with you for moral support?"
"(Sebastian) Yeah, and to keep an eye on me."
"(Roxanne) I'd just like a chance to get out. You know, it gets boring around here sometimes, having to stare at these same three walls * all the time."
* A little television joke there.


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(At Collinwood)
"(Liz) You seem depressed tonight, Quentin."
"(Quentin) Oh, you know why."
"(Liz) Honestly Quentin, do you have to get this way EVERY time they pre-empt Love, American Style??"


(In the Foyer)
(knock, knock, knock)
"(Julia) Oh, Mr. Shaw. Mrs. Stoddard's expecting you."
"(Sebastian) Far out."
"(Julia) Oh no, no, she's right in there."
"(Sebastian) (under his breath) Square!"


(Roxanne follows)
"(Julia) Gasp!"
"(Roxanne) Gasp?"
"(Julia) I'm sorry, you must be Roxanne Drew. You just look so much like the one we used to know."
"(Roxanne) Don't apologize. You look just like my cleaning lady back in New York."


"(Sebastian) This is Mrs. Stoddard, Roxanne. This is my assistant. Miss Drew."
"(Liz) Good evening, Miss Drew. Did you have anything to do with my horoscope?"
"(Roxanne) Oh no, Mrs. Stoddard."
"(Liz) Well then, please bugger off so that Mr. Shaw and I can talk alone."
"(Julia) Elizabeth, that's no way to speak to a guest!"
"(Liz) I'm sorry, but until I find out who this enemy that will become a friend is, I can't take any chances. I don't want any new friends right now, is that clear? I can barely afford the ones I have."


(Liz and Sebastian secrete themselves in the Drawing Room)
"(Julia) I'm sorry to react that way. Barnabas told me how much you looked like the other Roxanne Drew."
"(Roxanne) Yes, and I'm very much afraid he expects me to become that Roxanne."
"(Julia) Asked you to wear the lavender teddy already, did he?"
"(Roxanne) What the... HUH??"
"(Julia) Sorry. Nothing."


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(In the Drawing Room)
"(Sebastian) Mrs. Stoddard, it's good of you to have me here smiles and bows."
"(Liz) Those are stage directions, and will you put that script down and come look at my horoscope??"


"(Sebastian) Okay, so as I understand it, you want to know the name of the enemy who will become a friend."
"(Liz) That's right."
"(Sebastian) Well, I don't think Astrology can be that precise about such things."
"(Liz) What a pity. And I was starting to be interested in Astrology."
"(Sebastian) On the other hand, I do have some small psychic powers that may be able to provide the answer, if you'll give me a moment to concentrate. (to himself) And if I'm such a great psychic, how come I didn't know to give Collinwood a wide berth??"


"(Sebastian) Now, let me just sit in this chair and concentrate very very deeply."
"(Liz) I'd be grateful."
"(Sebastian) Please don't interrupt, speak to me, or distract me in any way."
"(Liz) Okay."
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"


(Outside, Roxanne is listening)
"(Julia) Anything wrong?"
"(Roxanne) No, just fine. It's hard to hear what they're saying, though."
"(Julia) Well, here. (hands her a glass) Hold one of these to your ear, it works wonders."


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(As Sebastian concentrates intensely, he begins to see a vision) *
* Paradoxically, the vision intensifies even as his left eye disappears.


(The vision becomes an image of Daphne's Room)
"(Sebastian) (to himself) I've got to learn something useful here or I'll lose face * with Mrs. Stoddard."
* Also paradoxically, that's exactly what's happening to him in this picture.


"(Sebastian) I see… a room. It is unused. No one has used this room in over a century. No one alive, that is."
"(Liz) (forgetting her promise) What has the room got to do with the enemy?"
"(Sebastian) It has… it has three pale green walls. And a bed. And a table. There's a figurine on the table. It is a… a woman. With a long dress. Bending over a child. Yes, yes, a teacher. And she has little holes in her head... Sorry, that's where the salt comes out."


(As the vision fades, Sebastian falls back breathless from the exciting experience he's just experienced) *
"(Sebastian) Oh boy, I need a cigarette!"
* Bear with us on this.


"(Liz) What happened?"
"(Sebastian) Don't go into that room!! Don't ever go into that room!!"
"(Liz) But you haven't told me anything about the enemy."
"(Sebastian) I'm sorry, I don't know who it is. But I must warn you. The enemy may not be among the living."
"(Liz) Oh brother, that's even worse. A dead friend will probably want me to put them to rest or publish their memoirs or something."

(Later)
"(Liz) I couldn't get him to tell me any more."
"(Quentin) Not even by waving a ten dollar bill past his nose?"
"(Liz) He said he didn't know any more..."
"(Quentin) Couldn't you get him to try again?"
"(Liz) Apparently not. The smell of that tenner seemed to addle his senses."


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"(Julia) Did he at least explain why he thought the enemy might be a ghost?"
"(Liz) No, he just described the room. Pale green walls, a bed, and a ceramic salt shaker on the table."
"(Julia) Quentin, that's the room we were in!"
"(Quentin) Possibly."
"(Liz) What were you doing there?"
"(Quentin) Oh, I thought I heard something go Bump in the night. It was nothing."
"(Liz) I see. And what were you doing there?"
"(Julia) I heard something go Bump in the night, too."
"(Liz) Did you find out what it was?"
"(Julia) Yes, it was Quentin."
"(Liz) D'oh!"


"(Julia) Did Mr. Shaw say anything about this room?"
"(Liz) Not much. Just that we absolutely, positively weren't supposed to go into that room under any circumstances."
"(Julia) And what do you propose to do about it?"
(pause)
"(Liz) Last one up's a rotten egg?"


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"(Liz) Where is this room?"
"(Julia) In the West Wing, near where Barnabas and I were found."
"(Liz) The room by the spiral staircase?"
"(Julia) No, the room by the stained glass window. Come on, I'll show you."
"(Quentin) No!"
"(Julia) Quentin."
"(Quentin) For once, will the two of you be sensible?"
"(Liz) What do you mean?"
"(Quentin) Mr. Shaw said not that room was dangerous. He said NOT to go in there! Now, are you going to do what he says and give that room a wide berth, or are you going to just rush headlong in to where you were told not to go?"
(pause)
"(Julia) Are you sure he's really a Collins?"
"(Liz) I'm starting to have my doubts."


"(Liz) Quentin, this is still my house. I don't like being told I can't enter a room. Not by a psychic, not by ghosts, and not by you."
"(Julia) That's right, Quentin. She's still got Top Billing on this show, you know."
"(Liz) Thank you."
"(Julia) Even though you'd never know it from the amount of screen time she's had the last couple of years."
"(Liz) Don't help me, Julia."


"(Quentin) Doesn't it matter that that room is dangerous? Don't go there yourself. Send unmanned probes."
"(Liz) Quentin, we may be on The Sci-Fi Channel now, but that doesn't mean we have any Unmanned Probes to send anywhere."
"(Julia) And besides, we've been in that room and nothing happened."
"(Quentin) Maybe we were wrong, and we're bringing this disaster down on ourselves. Going places we shouldn't go. Stirring up things that shouldn't be stirred up. That might be the very thing that causes the disaster Barnabas and Julia are trying to prevent."
"(Julia) He's got a point."
"(Quentin) Of course I do. If you believe that Sebastian Shaw has real powers, then listen to what he says."
"(Julia) Boy, I really hate it when you're right, Quentin. Don't you?"
"(Liz) I don't know. He's never been right before."


"(Julia) Elizabeth. You've got to promise us not to go into that room."
"(Liz) You're talking to me like I talk to David."
"(Julia) Yes. Promise us you won't go there."
"(Liz) If you both think it's that important, I won't. Excuse me."
"(Quentin) Where are you going?"
"(Liz) Uh... to my room."
"(Julia) You're not going to that room, are you?"
"(Liz) Heavens no. Cross my heart and hope to die."
(Liz leaves)
"(Julia) I wish she hadn't put it quite like that..."


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(Up in the West Wing)
"(Liz) Bite me, I am GOING to that room!"


(Liz enters Daphne's Room, and spots the same ceramic salt shaker from Sebastian's vision!)
"(Liz) Oh, my G... Wait a minute, I forget. Is this a good thing or bad?"


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(Gerard appears behind Liz)
"(Ghost of Gerard) Sheesh, another one?? Looks like the rattling chains weren't a big enough hint. That's it, no more Mr. Nice Guy!"


(At Sebastian's Pad)
"(Sebastian) I know, I shouldn't have told her about that room! It doesn't matter! I'm finished with her! I'm finished with Collinwood! I'm never going there again, and if she ever calls, I'm not available!"
"(Roxanne) Oh, Sebastian! You could have been somebody! You coulda been a contender!"


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"(Sebastian) What are you talking about? What do you mean I could have been a contender?"
"(Roxanne) The way you've been playing Mrs. Stoddard. It was going so well. She might have endowed a foundation for you to conduct a serious study of the occult. And you're going to throw it all away just because you don't like her."
"(Sebastian) I like Mrs. Stoddard just fine! It's that house and those people she lives with that freak me out!"
"(Roxanne) Sebastian, you're a hippie! You're supposed to freak them out, not the other way around!"


"(Sebastian) Can I help it if they out-weirded me?? I mean look! The daughter thinks I'm her long lost boyfriend! The cousin thinks YOU'RE his long lost girlfriend! They've got a live-in doctor who'se been writing a book for 3 years and hasn't gotten past page viii! Now, you're telling me that's not weird?"
"(Roxanne) Of course it isn't."
"(Sebastian) It isn't?"
"(Roxanne) When you've got their kind of money, it's eccentric."


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(Back in Daphne's Room)
"(Liz) Is anyone here? Answer me!"
(Gerard disappears as Quentin enters)
"(Quentin) Elizabeth. I knew you'd come here."
"(Liz) What gave it away?"
"(Quentin) I got suspicious when you said you wouldn't do anything I wouldn't do."


"(Quentin) Come on, let's go."
"(Liz) Quentin, there's a presence in this room."
"(Quentin) No, there's not."
"(Liz) There is. I smelled lilacs, then I felt a chill. Someone's watching us right now."
"(Quentin) Elizabeth, you're letting your imagination run away with you."
"(Liz) Julia and Barnabas are right. Something terrible is going to happen here."
"(Quentin) Even though your horoscope says it won't?"
"(Liz) Quentin. I'm a Pisces, and that horoscope is even fishier than my sign!"


(Liz leaves)
"(Quentin) (to Daphne) I told you we were running out of time. (to himself) Oh well, if things don't work out with Daphne, there's still that computer dating service."


(Downstairs, Liz rushes into the Drawing Room looking for Julia...)
"(Liz) Julia! Julia! We've got to get the children out of here tonight! I strongly suspect there's a ghost in this house!"
(...and right into the waiting arms of Gerard)
"(Liz) Now I'm almost certain."


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"(Joan) Don't tell me I'm going to get possessed in this story too!"
"(Dan, Bob and Ken) You're going to get possessed in this story too."
"(Joan) I ASKED you not to TELL me that!"


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"(Bob Lloyd) Supernatural possession is like a James Storm raging inside you..."


"(Dan Curtis) Invisible Man, by... I can't read that."


"(Bob Lloyd) Uh, Ken? Is there anything you want to tell us?"
"(Ken McEwen) I'm on vacation, fercryinoutloud!"


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          Episode 1088:   Sebastian warns Liz that the stranger in her horoscope may not be among the living.