New DS Game:  How many times can Quentin almost get killed without even realizing it?

Hallie Gives Some Sage Advice!
"David, forget about your baseball. We're not going to find it until they mow this place."

Dark Shadows Theater Presents Attack of the Earth Tones!

Liz Passes the Weekly Vampire Detector Spot Check!

Today on Dark Shadows...

David Finds One of Gerard's Old Laundry Lists!
"With this much starch, no wonder he's always sneering."

Julia Keeps Looking For Information About 1840!
"It's so hard to find actual reference books in this house. Half of them are just hollowed out shells with Quentin's bottles hidden inside of them."

Dark Shadows Theater Presents The Young Tammy Faye Bakker Chronicles!

Episode 1089

Starring Kathy Cody, Joan Bennett, James Storm, Grayson Hall, David Henesy Original Script By Gordon Russell Directed By Henry Kaplan Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Julia Hoffman. The Great House at Collinwood as it looks in Present Time. But Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman know that that one day soon the interior of the house will be in ruins... Wait a minute, since when do I narrate in the Third Person??"

"(Julia) Because of a mysterious experience in the year 1995, we have learned that the catastrophe will strike Collinwood before 1970 is out. The exact date and method remain unknown. Unbeknownst to us, Mrs. Stoddard, who so far as resisted believing our tale just came to believe that there was a malevolent spirit in the house... just before she got possessed by him. Oh well, easy come, easy go."


(Downstairs, Liz rushes into the Drawing Room)
"(Liz) Julia! Julia, I believe it now! There is an Evil Spirit in this house!"
(Liz opens the Drawing Room doors to find Gerard waiting in the dark for her)
"(Liz) Uh oh... Oh, I HOPE you're a living burglar... Wait a minute, that doesn't work either."

(slowly fade to black, until nothing is left but the sneer, as with the Cheshire Cat)



"(Liz) Who are you? What are you doing in this house?"
(Gerard keeps fixing Liz with the Mesmer Sneer)
"(Liz) Tell me who you are!"
(Gerard advances on Liz)
"(Liz) Er, but only if you really want to!"

"(Liz) Keep away from me! Please! Keep away from me!"
(Gerard closes the Drawing Room Door on Liz, who forgot to make a run for it, incidentally)
"(Liz) I know this won't do any good, but I'd hate myself if I didn't at least try it.... AIEEEEEEEE!!!!!"

"(Hallie) David, will you stop pacing? You've already worn a hole in that carpet."
"(David) I know. Now I'm pacing a semi-circle around the hole I wore in the carpet."
"(Hallie) What for?"
"(David) To wear a letter "D" into the rug. If there has to be a hole in it, at least it will be my monogram."


"(David) I don't know how you can be so calm about this."
"(Hallie) I'm not the least bit calm. I'm tired! Watching you has worn me out."
"(David) It's this eerie silence that's got me spooked. After all that's happened to us, suddenly nothing at all has happened for the last two days. Why not??"
"(Hallie) Maybe because it was the weekend, and we don't have a show on Saturday or Sunday?"
"(David) Um yeah, I guess that could be it."

"(David) What about now? It's Monday afternoon, and we still haven't seen any sign of Daphne or Gerard, or even Carrie or Tad."
"(Hallie) If you want to see Carrie that badly, how about if I put on the dress and pretend for you?"
"(David) Come on, I'm serious. Wednesday we saw them reading our notebook. Thursday we saw them on the stairway. Friday we saw them dead. And now today, nothing."
"(Hallie) Why are you so anxious to see Carrie and Tad, anyway?"
"(David) Not for me, for Maggie."
"(Hallie) Maggie?"
"(David) I was counting on them to be my excuse for not getting my homework done this weekend."

"(Hallie) Maybe Daphne and Gerard have forgotten about us. I mean when you're dead, don't you have other things to worry about, like trying to roll a boulder up a hill for all eternity, and stuff like that?"
"(David) That's only if you're Greek."
"(Hallie) Oh. Well what's Hell like if you're an American?"
"(David) I think this is it."

"(Hallie) Maybe we haven't seen Daphne and Gerard because we haven't gone to the Playroom recently."
"(David) Nah. I don't think so."
"(Hallie) Why not?"
"(David) If they wanted us to go there, we would have. We're putty in their hands. Especially Daphne's. (Did I say that out loud!?)"

"(Hallie) All right, what do you think it is?"
"(David) I think they've got something really big in store for us."
"(Hallie) Like what?"
"(David) I dunno. Something big. And this lull is just for them to prepare and get us off our guard."
"(Hallie) You mean you think this is the calm before the James Storm?"
"(David) D'oh! Something like that."

"(Hallie) There's another possibility, you know. Maybe we really are free. Maybe the spirits have been put to rest."
"(David) How could we have done that?"
"(Hallie) I don't know. Maybe we did it by not going up the stairs. Or by force of will. Or maybe Barnabas and Julia did it. They ought to have done SOMETHING good after all this time."
"(David) I know a way we can find out if Gerard is at rest."
"(Hallie) How?"
"(David) There's an old legend that says if you stand on somebody's grave at midnight, you can tell whether their spirit is at rest or not."
"(Hallie) How does it work?"
"(David) Basically, if they reach up out of the grave and grab your leg, they're not at rest."
"(David) Nobody ever gets my jokes!"

(Back downstairs, Gerard is reciting the Gettysburg Address to Liz) *
* This non-verbal communication is quite a time saver."

(Gerard waves a hand in front of Liz's face and fixes her with the Mesmer Sneer again)
"(Liz) (blankly) I understand everything now. The children will not leave this house." *
* Don't even bother asking why being possessed makes Liz super-mellow and makes Hallie super-antsy. We don't know either.


(Outside, Julia hears voices from the Drawing Room)
"(Liz) I know what must be done. And I will see that it is done."
(Julia opens the doors)
"(Julia) Um, Elizabeth? Who were you just talking to?"
"(Liz) Er... My Lawyer, Richard Garner. On the telephone."
"(Julia) You're in here with the lights out. And what were you saying about doing what must be done?"
"(Liz) Well... that's what I was on the phone about. He was telling me to put a penny in the fuse box."
"(Julia) You called your lawyer about the lights being out?"
"(Liz) Yes, I was thinking of suing the power company."

(Liz seems a bit odd)
"(Liz) You startled me, Julia."
"(Julia) I'm sorry, I just didn't know who you were talking to in here."
(Julia doesn't notice it)
"(Liz) I told you, it was Garner."
"(Julia) You called him about the lights?"
"(Liz) Well no, that's just the problem he was able to help with.'
"(Julia) What was the one he couldn't help with?"
"(Liz) It looks like my contract with Dan is ironclad."
"(Dan Curtis) D'oh!"


"(Liz) You act like you don't believe me, Julia."
"(Julia) Well no, of course not. I just thought someone else was in the room with you."
"(Liz) Don't tell me. You thought I was talking to some ghostie or ghoulie or long-legged beastie. You're a little too obsessed with that subject lately, for my money."
"(Julia) Well, if I am, I don't think you're in any position to complain, Elizabeth. I seem to remember two years ago, you drove us all crazy for six months about how you were going to be buried alive. Remember?"
"(Liz) And if you'll remember, that actually happened!"
"(Julia) Oh well, that was just luck!"


"(Julia) I'm sorry. I've just got that strange feeling again. A feeling of Evil."
"(Liz) Well, I don't. My Horoscope has convinced me more than ever that we are not on the brink of a catastrophe."
"(Julia) Oh yes? Well, what about that message that was in your horoscope for yesterday? You know, the one that said a dead enemy will become a friend. Who was that?"
"(Liz) That was the chicken I bought down at the supermarket. He and I became quite good friends at dinner tonight."

"(Julia) I still think we should take the precaution of getting the children out of the house just in case something happens."
"(Liz) I have already told you that I am certain the children are perfectly safe here. I am not certain they would be safe elsewhere."
"(Julia) Beautiful! Just beautiful! The way you're going, you won't listen to Barnabas or me until after something dreadful has happened to David, Hallie AND Collinwood!"
"(Liz) Well, in that case, you can have the biggest I-Told-You-So in history."
"(Julia) (musing) You know, that would almost make it worth it... What am I SAYING??"


"(Julia) By the way, I found something very interesting in one of these books."
"(Liz) Interesting to you or interesting to me?"
"(Julia) It's about that ghost ship..."
"(Liz) Interesting to you, then."
"(Julia) No, it seems there really was a Java Queen."
"(Liz) Java Queen!?"
"(Julia) Does that mean anything to you?"
"(Liz) Isn't he a transvestite down at the local Starbucks?"

"(Julia) The Java Queen is a ship! Or was."
"(Liz) Who cares?"
"(Julia) Don't you remember? It's the name of that model ship David found in the attic, but it's also the name of a real ship."
"(Liz) Fascinating. David told me that that model Apollo 11 in his room is of a real ship too, and I didn't believe him."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Julia) What's really interesting is that the real Java Queen was shipwrecked quite near here."
"(Liz) That's the interesting part?"
"(Julia) Well, also that it happened on this very day in 1841! What do you think of that?"
"(Liz) I think I'm going to go lie down. This excitement has been too much for me."
(Liz leaves)
"(Julia) It was a pirate ship too!"
"(Liz's Voice) Whoopee!"


"(Julia) It was more than a coincidence! I'm sure of that."
(Behind her back, David and Hallie sneak downstairs)
"(Julia) How much more I don't know. But I will... Hopefully before it's too late."
(David and Hallie open the door and sneak outside)
"(Julia) Maybe I have overdone it with the ghost talk. Elizabeth doesn't find me sincere."
(David and Hallie shut the door behind them)
"(Julia) We'll see about that. She'll find me sincere if I have to fake it!"

(Julia sits down on the couch for a good read)
"(Julia) (to herself) On Thursday, the 27th day of August in the year 1841 *, the Java Queen, notorious scavenger of the seas, was caught in a storm off the rockbound coast of Maine, near the fishing village of Collinsport. Her crew of 23 brigands and cutthroats perished at sea." **
* Actually, August 27, 1841 was a Friday. I guess they didn't have the internet when this script was written.

** To be precise, 12 brigands and 11 cutthroats, but who's counting?

"(Julia) (reading) The identity of her infamous captain was never known. Long believed to be the notorious pirate Guybrush Threepwood, this theory was debunked by the noted historian Beatrice Hotchkiss, who demonstrated that Threepwood was in the Caribbean fighting the dread pirate Le Chuck for the umpteenth time in 1841. According to Hotchkiss, the Java Queen's unknown captain survived the wreckage, and vowed to one day summon his evil followers from their graves to kill and plunder once more. Hotchkiss could not be reached for comment, as she was sent on an enforced Sabbatical the following week."

(Meanwhile at Eagle Hill)
The Spectre is


"(David) In darkness he did live and die. I wonder what that means?"
"(Hallie) I don't know. I guess he didn't pay his electric bill." *
* It's the new Dark Shadows Drinking Game. Take a sip every time you hear this joke.

"(Hallie) Let's just get this over with and go home!"
"(David) We can't. It only works if you stand on the grave at exactly midnight. 11:59? No good. 12:01? Uh uh."
"(Hallie) Are you sure this works, David?"
"(David) If it doesn't, then my faith in comic books is going to be destroyed forever."

"(Hallie) Look at that."
"(David) At what?"
"(Hallie) That fenced in area over there. What's that?"
"(David) Oh, you want to know about that, do you? (spooky voice) Sit right down, and you'll hear a tale!"
"(Hallie) If this is a ghost story, I'm going to slug you!"


"(David) That gate has been locked for more than a hundred years."
"(Hallie) Why? Did they lose the key?"
"(David) During the 18th and 19th centuries, they used to bury criminals and misfits there. Pickpockets and cutthroats. Brigands and thieves."
"(Hallie) Did a town this small really have that many misfits?"
"(David) We had Off Track Betting then."
"(Hallie) Oh!"

"(David) Most of the graves are unmarked. And there are lots of legends about them."
"(Hallie) What sort of l-l-l-legends?"
"(David) Oh, you know. About how… how cruel and mean they must have been to be buried there. The story says that their souls had no place to go. Heaven didn't want them, and Hell was afraid they'd take over."
"(Hallie) Gulp!"
"(David) So they were just left here to molder in their graves and try to come back from the dead."
"(Hallie) Boy, it gets dark this time of n-n-night..."
"(David) If it's any consolation, they haven't managed it yet."
"(Hallie) That's not any consolation!!"

"(Hallie) Come on, let's get out of here!"
"(David) We can't, it's not midnight yet!"
"(Hallie) Yes, it is! My watch says 12:00."
"(David) Mine says 11:59. Why didn't we synchronize our watches before we left?"
"(Hallie) Maybe you didn't synchronize yours, but I synchronized mine!"
"(David) Yeah, but... Huh??"

"(Hallie) I still say it's midnight now!"
"(David) And I say it's a minute early!"
"(Hallie) Well, I don't care..."
(lightning flashes)
"(Hallie and David) NOW it's midnight!"

(David stands on Gerard's grave) *
"(David) Gerard! Gerard, we need to know if you're at rest! Gerard! Is your spirit at rest?"
"(Hallie) David, LOOK!!"
(Gerard is sneering at them from the bushes)
"(David) Well? Are you or aren't you?"
* A gesture not unlike tugging on his cape, if he had one.

"(Hallie) Don't be ridiculous, David! If he were at rest, he'd be down there, not over there."
"(David) I know, I was just trying to stall for time!"
(Gerard makes some really menacing Nicholas-Blair style hand gestures at them)
"(Hallie and David) RUN, SCOOB!!"
(they beat a hasty retreat)
"(Ghost of Gerard) Well, THAT was less effective than I expected..."

(Outside Collinwood)
"(Hallie) Pant, pant, pant, are you convinced now?"
"(David) Pant, pant, pant, yeah, I'm convinced..."
"(Hallie) Pant, gasp, pant, Gerard's not at rest, is he?"
"(David) Gasp, pant, gasp, no, but if we have to run another foot (Gasp, pant), I'm going to be!"

(Inside, Julia sees David and Hallie start to come in, and tries to camouflage herself)
"(Julia) Luckily I'm wearing brown! I'll blend in with the rest of the house!"

(Hallie and David enter the house)
"(Julia) Ah ha!"
(jumps out)
"(Hallie) Who said that??"
"(Julia) Er, me."
"(Hallie) Dr. Hoffman?"
"(David) It sounded like her."
"(Hallie) Move away from that brown door so we can see you better."
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Julia) What were you two doing outside just now?"
"(David) Nothing."
"(Hallie) We were just..."
"(David) ...walking."
"(Julia) Do you know that it's almost 1 o'clock in the morning?"
"(Hallie and David) No, but if you hum a few bars, we could fake it!"
"(Julia) Now, look you two! I'm a doctor, not a straight man!"

"(Julia) Are you going to give me the truth?"
"(Hallie) We have!"
"(David) Honest."
"(Julia) Nobody goes for a walk at 1 o'clock in the morning."
"(Hallie) We do."
"(David) We wanted to see the stars."
"(Julia) And that's exactly what you're going to be seeing if you don't give me some straight answers!"


"(Julia) All right, if you won't talk to me, I'm sure you'll talk to Mrs. Stoddard."
"(David) Oh, please don't tell Aunt Elizabeth!"
"(Julia) Maybe I won't tell her if you two will play ball with me."
"(David) We told you, we went for a walk."
"(Hallie) David wanted to show me the constellation of Kasterborous."
"(David) Only you can't see it from my room."
"(Julia) And did you see it on your walk?"
"(David) I'm afraid not. I forgot it only exists in Dr. Who."


"(Julia) So you went outside to see a fictional constellation, and came right back."
"(David) Right."
"(Hallie) Now, are you going to tell Aunt Elizabeth?"
"(David) That's my line! She's my Aunt."
"(Hallie) Oh. Sorry."


"(Julia) Hallie, you especially should be on guard against this!"
"(Hallie) What do you mean?"
"(Julia) I mean that... ahem... boys David's age have certain designs on girls your age."
"(Hallie) You're telling me. I've had to dye my hair blonde again three times after he dipped my curls into the inkwell."

"(Hallie) Please, Dr. Hoffman. Are you going to tell Mrs. Stoddard about this?"
"(Julia) I don't know yet."
(Behind Julia's back, David slips a sheet of paper out of one of her books, and puts it into his pocket)
"(Julia) But I think you two kids know more than you're telling."
"(Hallie) Why is this a Federal case? Okay, we we were up past our bedtime, but there's no classes tomorrow. What are you afraid we did, anyway?"
"(Julia) I've got a feeling you were either consorting with ghosts or each other... And I'm not sure which is worse."


"(Julia) Look, suppose I agreed not to tell Mrs. Stoddard about this? Wouldn't that prove that I was on your side? Then maybe you'd confide in me and we could share secrets together."
"(Hallie) We'd love to confide in you, but did you say ghosts? Seriously?"
"(Julia) Are you saying you haven't seen any around this house?"
"(Hallie) If there were any, do you think I, of all people, would be hanging around with them?"
"(David) That's right, Dr. Hoffman. Hallie's even afraid of Spirits of Ammonia."
"(Hallie) Thanks a lot, David..."

"(Julia) All right, you two can go up to your room."
"(David) Are you going to tell?"
"(Julia) No, not now."
"(David) Thanks a lot, Doctor Hoffman, you're a peach!"
"(Hallie) If there's anything we can do for you, let us know!"
(they rush out)
"(Julia) You might tell me where you two hid my car keys!"
"(David's Voice) In the septic tank!"
"(Julia) D'oh!"

(A few minutes later, Julia steps out to find Liz on the Foyer landing)
"(Julia) Oh, Mrs. Stoddard."
"(Liz) What!? Who said that??"
"(Julia) It's me. Julia."
"(Liz) Will you take off that brown dress????"

"(Julia) What are you doing up there, anyway?"
"(Liz) I remembered something I wanted to do earlier in the day."
(As Liz stands aside, Julia notices with horror that Liz has placed on the railing the very same bust that fell and almost killed her in 1995) *
"(Liz) There, that looks nice. What do you think of the bust, Julia? Like it?"
"(Julia) Er... It's to die for."
* Episode 1063, if you're following along.


"(Liz) Julia, is something wrong? You look like someone's been feeding you rock candy with a slingshot."
"(Julia) Elizabeth, where did you find that Roman bust?"
"(Liz) It's been lying around the house for years. Why?"
"(Julia) It's also the same one that almost declined and fell on me in 1995!"
"(Liz) Oh, dear. 1995 again? Julia, don't take this the wrong way, but I've heard about enough of 1995 to last me for... for..."
"(Julia) The next 25 years?"
"(Liz) Exactly."


"(Liz) I don't know how you can be sure it's the same one. They sell these by the dozens at that gardening shop in town. You know, Lawn Order."
"(Julia) 'Lawn Order'? That's that nursery in town owned by an ex cop, isn't it?"
"(Liz) How could you tell?"

"(Julia) I'm serious, Elizabeth. I was nearly killed by a falling bust."
"(Liz) Don't be ridiculous, Julia. A falling bust isn't fatal... Embarrassing maybe, but not fatal."
"(Julia) What made you decide to place it right there on the rail?"
"(Liz) I've tried it all around the house, and thought it might look best there."
"(Julia) Don't you see? It's just another sign of what's going to happen! That bust was there in the future because you placed it there now!"
"(Liz) Now, maybe it's not so bad."
"(Julia) Not so bad? Why not?"
"(Liz) Maybe you'll change history so you'll be dead before then."
"(Julia) D'oh!"

"(Julia) Elizabeth, listen!..."
"(Liz) No, you listen. I think you and Barnabas are much too preoccupied with what the future holds. If you take my advice, you'll forget all about 1995. Because I believe that disaster you imagined is never going to happen."
(Liz leaves)
(Julia yawns big and stretches her arms out wide)
"(Julia) (to herself) Heh, heh. Changing history has never been easier."

(In Hallie's Room, David and Hallie look at his Purloined Letter)
"(Hallie) Where did you get that, David?"
"(David) I snuck it out of one of the books Doctor Hoffman had on the table."
"(Hallie) What for?"
"(David) It was signed "G". I thought it might be by Gerard."
"(Hallie) Well, that makes sense."
"(David) Really?"
"(Hallie) No, not really."

"(David) Well, it IS written by Gerard, thank you very much!"
"(Hallie) What a coincidence! So, what does it say?"
"(David) (reading) Know ye who do not rest. In the town of Collinsport, in the dead of night, watch for the signal. Watch for the the Green Flag of the Dead in the window. Three times shall it wave. And when it does, you know what to do."
"(Hallie) What?"
"(David) I don't know, it just says they know what to do. I think it has something to do with waking the dead, but I don't understand how."
"(Hallie) Your Aunt says you can do that just by playing your Rastabilly Skank records too loud."


"(David) Well, I don't know what it means, but I'm going to find out."
"(Hallie) Oh, David. Haven't we done enough for one day?"
"(David) No, technically we went to the graveyard yesterday, so anything we do now will be the first thing we did today. Gerard is angry and we have to do something to please him."
"(Hallie) Look, David. Didn't you tell me once that every time you've ever seen a ghost, they looked exactly the same as when they died, right down to the clothes they were wearing?"
"(David) Yes."
"(Hallie) All right, then if you're going to do something dangerous... do you want to do it dressed like that?"

"(Hallie) What are you going to do up there, anyway?"
"(David) Go up to the Tower Room and look for a green flag."
"(Hallie) The note didn't say the Tower Room."
"(David) Yeah, but it stands to reason. It's the highest spot around. If I find a flag, I'll wave it three times and see what happens."
"(Hallie) All right, if you've got to do it, go ahead. Break a leg."
"(David) Oh, don't worry. Gerard will do that for me."


"(Bob Lloyd) In the Tower Room, not a creature is stirring, not even a mouse."
"(Dan Curtis) On this show, a mouse doesn't qualify as a creature."
"(Bob Lloyd) I meant a were-mouse."
"(Dan Curtis) Oh, that's okay then."

"(Bob Lloyd) David enters the Tower Room trepi... er, trepidatedly... trepidatially... trepi... Er, David enters the Tower Room scared out of his wits."


(David reaches above the window sill, and pulls down a green flag which has miraculously stayed there since 1840, undisturbed all through the 1897 Story and everything else we've ever seen happen in this room)
"(David) What a stroke of luck!"

"(David) This green flag must be the one to wave to wake the dead."
(pulls down another flag)
"(David) And this chequered flag must be the one to wave when the first one reaches Collinwood."

(David opens the Tower Room window and holds the green flag outside)
"(David) If this is the Flag of the Dead, shouldn't it be at half mast?"

(As David waves the Green Flag first once, the twice, the Graves of the Darned begin to rumble in the Cutthroats section of Eagle Hill cemetery)
"Rumble, rumble, rumble, rhubarb, rhubarb, rhubarb..."
"(Bob Lloyd) The Graves of the Darned?"
"(Dan Curtis) Broadcast Standards."
(fade to black)

"(Joan) I was possessed by the Dead, and all I got was this lousy credit."

"(David) Before I went up there, I calculated the odds that I was doing something smart versus the odds that I was doing something incredibly stupid, and I... did it anyway."


"(Hallie) Can somebody get these credits out of my bedroom? I'm trying to get some sleep!"


"(Bob Lloyd) No Collinses were harmed in the making of this episode."
"(Dan Curtis) I don't like the way that sounded..."

          Episode 1089:   After Gerard possesses Liz, he appears to David and Hallie in the cemetery.