Julia Becomes a Pirate!
"Arrrrrrrgh!"


Barnabas and Maggie Go on a Date!
"Uh oh, your mom caught us in the act."
"I thought she was your mom."


The Collinsport Players Do The Woman in Red!

Today on Dark Shadows...


Collinwood Holds a Square Dance!


The House Mother Catches Maggie With a Man on the Floor After Hours!


Maggie Reads Captions!


Episode 1090

Starring David Henesy, Grayson Hall, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Jonathan Frid, Christopher Pennock, Donna Wandrey
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"(Bob Lloyd) Which one do we click?"
"(Dan Curtis) Erm, 1091, I think. No, 1090."
"(Bob Lloyd) There."
"(Dan Curtis) No, no, that's the Bonus Interview."


"My name is Maggie Evans. The Great House at Collinwood as it looks in the Present Time."
"(Dan Curtis) Whisper, whisper, whisper?"
"(Maggie) All right, the Great House of Collinwood as it looked when this establishing shot was taken in 1967."


"(Maggie) But it still looks pretty much the same way today. But it may not for long, for Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman have learned that a catastrophe will destroy the house and its occupants before the year is out. Nobody is quite sure how, but in our last episode, David Collins was in the Tower Room about to wave a green flag that would summon a band of bloodthirsty cutthroats and brigands from their graves. It's possible that this might have something to do with it."


(David abandons all hope and enters the Tower Room, just like the sign says to do)


(Looking around for the Green Flag of Death, David opens a mysterious wardrobe, and takes a snowball in the face)
SPLAT!
"(David) Stupid Narnians!"


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(David spots a Green Flag which has been above the window sill since 1840, and takes it down)
"(David) You know, Hallie was right. This outfit is geeky looking. I wouldn't want to be caught dead raising the dead in this."


(David opens the Tower Room window, and starts to wave the Green Flag to raise the dead pirates)
"(David) One for the money..."
WAVE!
"(David) Two for the Yo-ho-ho..."


(Out in Eagle Hill Cemetery, the ground over four graves begin to do The Mash)


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(David stops waving)
"(David) I lost count during the commercial."
"(Bob Lloyd) You were at two."
"(David) Oh yeah. What comes next?" *
* After all this years, will David's poor marks in school finally save everyone?


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(David hears those ghostly Theremin sounds again, and drops the flag)
"(David) Gerard? Is that you? Gerard, are you angry with me?"
(the Theremin sounds get louder)
"(David) I wish I knew if that was good or bad."


"(David) I was just doing… what I thought you wanted me to do!"
(Theremin noise)
"(David) I was just doing what the note said!"
(Theremin noise)
"(David) What do you mean it wasn't time yet? What could have bunch of zombies possibly have to do to get themselves ready?"
(Theremin noise)
"(David) Pull themselves together. Ha, ha, that's very funny."


(Julia bursts in)
"(Julia) All right, David! Who were you talking to?"
"(David) What?"
"(Julia) Right now! I heard you talking to someone!"
"(David) Where?"
"(Julia) In this room! Don't deny it! I heard you mention Gerard."
"(David) No, that was garde. I was saying that these clothes are avant-garde."
(pause)
"(David) I think that's your flimsiest excuse yet!"


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"(Julia) I heard you calling to someone!"
"(David) You can see for yourself that nobody is here."
"(Julia) But there was, wasn't there? Maybe somebody who disappeared just as I entered?"
"(David) What do you mean? How could anybody just disappear into thin air?"
"(Julia) They could if they were dead!"
"(David) Oh, is that how the trick is done?"


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"(Julia) Don't lie to me. I know who you were talking to, and why you came here."
"(David) You're off your rocker... depending on what you say next..."
"(Julia) You stole a piece of paper out of a book in the Drawing Room."
"(David) I did not!"
"(Julia) Don't lie to me, I saw you do it. You didn't think I did, but I did."
"(David) I did not!"
"(Julia) Oh no? Then what's this, then?"
(plucks it out of his hand)
"(David) Sonofagun, how did that get there?"


"(Julia) You took this note and came here, but what did you expect to find?"
"(David) Nothing! I just wanted to see the spot where Will Loomis jumped to his death!"
"(Julia) That was in Parallel Time! You came here to summon the Dead, didn't you?"
"(David) No!"
"(Julia) You know what your Aunt Elizabeth said would happen to you the next time you did that!"


"(Julia) Why did you come up to this Tower?"
"(David) I had a bet with Hallie! She bet me I couldn't go to the Tower Room and sit in the corner."
"(Julia) You came here looking for this, didn't you?"
(picks up the Green Flag)
"(Julia) Do you know what this is used for?"
"(David) Starting an auto race?"
"(Julia) No, it's for summoning the dead from their graves!"
"(David) I thought that was Black Flag."
"(Julia) No, that's for killing roaches."


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"(Julia) All right, let's hear your story! What does this flag mean, and who does it belong to?"
"(David) I dunno! Geez, you go into a spooky tower at midnight, wave a green flag at a cemetery, and people act like you're some kind of a nut!"


"(Julia) Now David, listen to me. Every day you let go by without telling me or somebody else what's happening, you are in more danger. Now, don't you understand that? You must tell me everything that's been happening right now!"
"(David) There's nothing to tell."
"(Julia) What do you know about the Java Queen?"
"(David) It's just a model that I found in the attic. That's all!"
"(Julia) It's a model of a pirate ship! And Gerard, the captain of the ship wrote this note!"
"(David) The captain of that ship, was a pirate?"
"(Julia) Yes!"
"(David) Did he have a hook?"
"(Julia) How do I know if he had a hook??"


"(David) I don't know any Captain Gerard!... I saw a Lt. Gerard on TV once."
"(Julia) You have seen his spirit in this house. Big guy in a black coat with ruffled sleeves, and a sneer from here to here?"
"(David) I haven't seen anybody like that!"
"(Julia) Be sensible. David, the man whose spirit you have seen is Evil! He is using you and Hallie! He's a pirate! A Buccaneer! A Freebooter! A Swashbuckler! A... uh... uh..."
"(David) A Corsair?"
"(Julia) You have met him!"
"(David) No, I was just helping you find synonyms!"


"(Julia) Very well, David. If you won't talk to me, I'll have to go talk to your Aunt Elizabeth."
"(David) See if I care!"
(David starts to stomp out)
"(David) Are you still going to do it even though I said I didn't care?"
"(Julia) Yes."
"(David) D'oh! That trick never works!"


(Down in the Drawing Room)
"(Maggie) Barnabas! You're back! How was your vacation?"
"(Barnabas) Wonderful. The house wasn't destroyed while I was gone, was it?"
"(Maggie) Of course not."
"(Barnabas) (Hmm, perhaps I'd better take another week.)"


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"(Barnabas) What are you up to at this hour?"
"(Maggie) I couldn't get to sleep."
"(Barnabas) Did you try counting sheep?"
"(Maggie) Yes, but they were all drained of blood. You remember when that happened around here a few years ago?"
"(Barnabas) Er, yes of course. Well, if you're troubled, perhaps it would help to talk."
"(Maggie) Well, it's the children."
"(Barnabas) Are they still alive?... Er, I mean what's wrong with the children!?"


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"(Maggie) Of course they're alive!"
"(Barnabas) Of course. What was I thinking?"
"(Maggie) But they're acting very strangely."
"(Barnabas) Strangely? How?"
"(Maggie) Well, David is cold and distant, and Hallie is frantic."
"(Barnabas) About what?"
"(Maggie) There's no telling with her. You know how she is. The other day she almost needed CPR when her Rice Krispies crackled at her."


"(Barnabas) Is there anything else?"
"(Maggie) Hallie and David have both been model students. They're getting their lessons in on time, their pranking is down to a minimum."
"(Barnabas) That is suspicious."
"(Maggie) I've also felt a kind of presence in the house. It's frightened me. I feel as though we're all being watched."
"(Barnabas) Do you get this feeling all the time?"
"(Maggie) No, only from 3:00 to 3:30, Monday through Friday."


"(Maggie) I feel that whatever is happening is all my fault."
"(Barnabas) I don't know how you can possibly feel that way."
"(Maggie) My mother taught me how to operate on a Guilt Now Figure it Out Later basis."
(Barnabas suddenly becomes interested in the sight of Maggie's bare neck)
"(Barnabas) You've been working too hard, Maggie. You need something to take your mind off your troubles."
"(Maggie) Do you think you can help with that?"
"(Barnabas) (baring his fangs) In all modesty, I think I can guarantee it." *
* With vampires, as with Secret Agents, the proper banter is critical.


(As Barnabas goes for the throat, Julia appears in the doorway...)
"(Julia) Drop that girl!"
KLUNK!
(...And Barnabas suffers yet another case of chompus interruptus)


"(Julia) I'm sorry, Maggie, I didn't realize it was you."
"(Maggie) (dusting herself off) I was just telling Barnabas about the children."
"(Barnabas) Yes, she says she's noticed a change in them."
"(Julia) Well, I just had a very unpleasant altercation with David in the Tower Room."
"(Maggie) The Tower Room? What was he doing there?"
"(Julia) He wouldn't tell me. Why don't you go ask him?"
"(Maggie) But..."
"(Julia) You heard me. Go powder your nose!"
"(Maggie) Sigh, there's no talking to you after you've been watching those gangster movies."


(Maggie leaves)
"(Julia) I have a feeling that I arrived in the doorway just in time."
"(Barnabas) I have no idea what you're talking about. I was just trying to find out what was eating Maggie."
"(Julia) It was nearly YOU, Sport!"


"(Barnabas) Julia, what are you saying?"
"(Julia) I saw you going for Maggie's neck. You made her your victim once before, and only barely escaped detection! You'd never get away with it a second time."
"(Barnabas) I was only looking! There's no harm in looking, is there?"
"(Julia) That was the whole reason you went to Parallel Time! To avoid making a meal of your friends."
"(Barnabas) That was only a risk for a short time. And thanks, I might add, to the bloodlust brought on by your so-called anti-vampire elixir! But that's long since worn off, and I'm completely in control of myself around women now."
"(Julia) I certainly hope so. Because there's nothing worse than a man who can't keep it in his mouth."


(Julia leaves Barnabas pondering)
"(Barnabas) (to himself) Wait a minute, that last joke was very nearly off-colour, wasn't it? No, surely the censors wouldn't have allowed it if it were... But still..."


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(Next morning)
"(Maggie) Oh, good morning, Julia."
"(Julia) Good morning, Maggie. Did you get to talk to David?"
"(Maggie) No, he was already asleep when I got to his room... At least I think he was. Those snores sounded a bit phony, come to think of it."
"(Julia) Phony?"
"(Maggie) You know. Haw-Shew, Haw-Shew, Haw-Shew!"
"(Julia) Are you sure he doesn't snore like that?"
"(Maggie) He gave himself away when he started going "Bee-bee-bee-bee-bee!" I saw that in a Three Stooges short last week."


"(Julia) We've got to get him to admit what he knows about Gerard. Maybe you can get through to him."
"(Maggie) Well, I don't know how I could succeed where you and Barnabas have failed."
"(Julia) Let's just say that for his age, you have assets that Barnabas and I don't."
"(Maggie) Oh, you mean turn on the charm? It wouldn't work. Kids never see their teachers as beautiful women."
"(Julia) I guess you're right."
"(Maggie) Even when we so obviously are."
"(Julia) Sigh, I've warned you before about reading your fan mail right before a show."


"(Julia) Well, I'll check on him. Say, what are you doing hanging around Barnabas? What happened to you and Quentin?"
"(Maggie) What do you mean?"
"(Julia) Well, before we went to Parallel Time, Angelique had put a spell on you two that had you all over each other any time those pitchforks appeared on your hands."
"(Maggie) Oh. Yeah, I remember. I was Quentin's One True Love for a whole week while you and Barnabas were away."
"(Julia) But the spell was supposed to be permanent."
"(Maggie) For Quentin, a week is permanent."


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(As Julia goes upstairs, Maggie picks up the morning edition of the Collinsport Star)
"(Maggie) What's this? "Giant Hole Found on Lawn of City Hall, Police are Looking Into it Now"??"


(David enters)
"(David) Hi, Maggie. Have you seen Hallie today?"
"(Maggie) She's right behind me, isn't she? I'm not falling for that one again."
"(David) No, I'm really looking for her. I mean when I say "Where's Hallie?", it's not ALWAYS an excuse to get you off your guard so she can dump Gatorade on you, you know!"


"(Maggie) Well, I haven't seen her today."
"(David) Well, can you tell her I'm looking for her?"
"(Maggie) Where are you going?"
"(David) I've just got to visit a friend in town. Can I borrow your car keys?"
"(Maggie) Sure, they're over there in the des... Wait a minute, Buster!"


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(Later at Sebastian's Pad, Sebastian is reading)
"(Sebastian) People born under the sign of Aquarius include Successful Presidential Candidate Abraham Lincoln, Failed Presidential Candidate Jeb Bush, and Failed Human Being Nicolae Ceausescu."


(Sebastian answers the door)
"(Sebastian) Devil Tot Protection Racket!? I'll pay! I'll pay!"


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"(David) No, no, this isn't about a Protection Racket... this time. I wanted to see you about having my horoscope done."
"(Sebastian) Your horoscope? Why?"
"(David) Well, I… I'd just like to know what's going to happen in the future."
"(Sebastian) Well, I don't know..."
"(David) If it's about money, I have $40 saved up. See?"
"(Sebastian) Put that money away, David!"
"(David) Do you want me to get another ten?"
"(Sebastian) Why another ten?"
"(David) Carolyn said wave a $50 bill in front of your nose, and you'll do anything."


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"(Sebastian) It's not a question of money, David. It's just... Well, has anything happened to make you worried about the future?"
"(David) Not really. I mainly want to know if I'm going to have a future."
"(Sebastian) I see."
"(David) You won't do it?"
"(Sebastian) I didn't say that!"
"(David) You will do it?"
"(Sebastian) I didn't say that either."
"(David) Are you afraid of what it might tell you?"
"(Sebastian) Of course not! I don't know the meaning of the word fear."
"(David) Oh, everybody says that."
"(Sebastian) No, seriously, I don't know what it means. A guy asked me what it meant once; I told him it was a blue and white striped golfing umbrella."


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"(David) Well, if you're not afraid, and I've got the green stuff, why don't we talk turkey?"
"(Sebastian) Look, just give me a little time to think it over."
"(David) A little time?"
"(Sebastian) A couple of days."
"(David) But I need to know if I'm going to die!"
"(Sebastian) That depends how fast you get out of here!"


"(Sebastian) I can't go on like this! That boy is going to die unless I do something! I've lied to Mrs. Stoddard! I lied to Dr. Hoffman! If I were Jeb Hawkes, I'd have lied about that too!"


(At Collinwood, Maggie is reading)
"(Maggie) Things born under the sign of Gemini include the Minnesota Twins franchise, the Project Gemini Space Program, and the Doublemint Twins. However, Gemini Man Ben Murphy was born under the sign of Pisces."


(Maggie answers a knock on the door from Sebastian)
"(Maggie) Oh! May I help you."
"(Sebastian) May I * speak to Mrs. Stoddard, please?"
"(Maggie) I'm sorry, she's out for the day."
"(Sebastian) Good heavens! You look just like my dead fiancee!"
"(Maggie) I do?"
"(Sebastian) Well, not really, but I know people around here really go for that kind of thing."
* Sebastian is the only Hippie in the world who says "May I".


"(Sebastian) I'm Sebastian Shaw, Mrs. Stoddard's Psychic. Can you tell me when she'll be back?"
"(Maggie) If you're a psychic, shouldn't you know when she'll be back?"
"(Sebastian) This is my lunch hour, Miss... uh, Miss."
"(Maggie) Maggie Evans. I'm the governess here."
"(Sebastian) Oh. Are you sure you're not a Parking Ticket? Because you've got FINE written all over you!"


"(Maggie) You're very direct, Mr. Shaw."
(they share an awkward moment of sexual tension)
"(Maggie) Is there, um, anything I can do for you... Ahem, about Mrs. Stoddard, I mean!"
"(Sebastian) Yes, you might be able to keep me company until she's available. Say over dinner?"
(Maggie is captivated by the wit and charm of this plucky young flower child...) *
* ...It says here.


"(Maggie) I must say you're very direct."
"(Sebastian) Does it frighten you?"
"(Maggie) No, it's rather disarming."
"(Sebastian) Does that mean you'll do it?"
"(Maggie) You're a psychic, you tell me my answer."
"(Sebastian) Um, yes?"
"(Maggie) Amazing! I don't know how you do it!"

"(Sebastian) Splendid! Then what do you say to dinner at that new restaurant in town? You know, the Grillennium Falcon."
"(Maggie) Oh!"
"(Sebastian) Something wrong?"
"(Maggie) No, it's just that I'm on a diet. Any chance we could go to the Marquis de Salade instead?"


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(At Sebastian's Pad)
"(Roxanne) Why did you go out today, Sebastian?"
"(Sebastian) What!? How did you find I went out today?"
"(Roxanne) You know I have my ways. Now, what happened?"
"(Sebastian) Nothing. I just went out to buy some... er, materials."
"(Roxanne) What kind of materials?"
"(Sebastian) You know... "Materials"!"
"(Roxanne) What do you mean? What kind of materials?"
"(Sebastian) You know, the kind of materials I'm afraid to mention by name ever since that time the Fuzz bugged our flat!"
"(Roxanne) Oh, you mean, uh... Fishing Supplies (wink, wink)
"(Sebastian) Right, Fishin'-able materials."


"(Roxanne) Oh! "Materials". Is that all you did?"
"(Sebastian) That's all."
"(Roxanne) You're being defensive, Sebastian. I think you're keeping something from me."
"(Sebastian) Well, I am, as a matter of fact. For your information, I've got a heavy date tonight."
"(Roxanne) Tell me it's with Rosie O'Donnell, and you win the Pun Award of the Year."


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"(Sebastian) No, it's not with Rosie, and it's none of your business. It's my date, and my business. Do you object?"
"(Roxanne) Of course not. I can't run your life. If you want to go out, go out. It's really none of my business, one way or the other."
(Sebastian goes out)
"(Roxanne) I'm going to kill him for this!"


(At Collinwood)
"(Barnabas) Maggie is having dinner with Sebastian Shaw!? How did that happen??"
"(Julia) Apparently, she was captivated by the wit and charm of that plucky young flower child."
"(Barnabas) She what!?"
"(Julia) That's what Gordon Russell's script says."
"(Barnabas) Then let Gordy go out with him."


"(Maggie) She only met him for the first time today. What does she know about him?"
"(Julia) You know, this shouldn't upset you so much. I'm not sure I like this sudden attention you've been paying to Maggie. You weren't planning to start a relationship with her again yourself, were you?"
"(Barnabas) Well, no... Probably not. I just don't know why she'd want to go out with a man like that."
"(Julia) Well, this is just a guess, but maybe she wanted to date someone born in her own century for a change. You know kids these days."


(Out in the Foyer, Maggie and Sebastian return)
"(Sebastian) That was a great movie, Maggie. (giggle)"
"(Maggie) Yeah, it sure was. (giggle)"
"(Sebastian) What was it about again? I mean in case someone asks? (giggle)"
"(Maggie) I'm not sure. Let's just say it was The Sound of Music."


"(Sebastian) Can I see you again?"
"(Maggie) I don't see why not. I'll give you a call."
"(Sebastian) I'll answer it on the first ring. Good night."
"(Sebastian) Good night."
(Sebastian leaves)
(Maggie giggles again)
"(Maggie) What a night. Going out with a guy who looks exactly like my best friend's late husband, and who once locked me in a mausoleum with a werewolf! I think I've finally figured out why the rest of the town thinks we're weird."


(Barnabas comes out)
"(Barnabas) Oh, Maggie. Hello. Did you have a chance to talk to David?"
"(Maggie) Yes, he wouldn't tell me anything either."
"(Barnabas) I see. Well... how was your date?"
"(Maggie) Well..."
"(Barnabas) Did you go to the movies? Where did you eat? Did you take his car? He didn't get fresh, did he? Did he try to kiss you?"
"(Maggie) Please "Pop", not now. I'm exhausted."
"(Barnabas) What are you exhausted FROM?????"


(Later at Sebastian's Pad)
"(Roxanne) Well, Sebastian. Did you go to the movies? Where did you eat? Did you take her car? You didn't get fresh, did you? Did you try to kiss you?"
"(Sebastian) Aw, come on, "Mom". Not the Third Degree the moment I walk in."
"(Roxanne) As long as you live in my basement, you'll live by my rules, young man."


"(Sebastian) I don't live in your basement, and you're not really my mother!"
"(Roxanne) Did you enjoy yourself?"
"(Sebastian) Yeah. Yeah, it was so cute. You see, she used to be a waitress at the Collinsport Inn Coffee Shoppe! And when we went in there for a cup of coffee, she forget herself for a minute, and actually tried to wait on me!"
"(Roxanne) That is so adorable, Sebastian. I suggest you send that in to Reader's Digest first thing in the morning... if you're still ALIVE!"


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"(Roxanne) Miss Evans sounds like a really nice girl, Sebastian."
"(Sebastian) So you know. Oh, I should have known you'd find out!"
"(Roxanne) Would You Believe I was on my way to the drugstore for a Henna Rinse, just happened to be going past the Collinsport Inn, and just happened to see the two of you go inside."
"(Sebastian) I find that rather hard to believe."
"(Roxanne) Well, would you believe it if I took out the part about the drugstore? I'm sorry Sebastian, I'm not trying to be difficult."
"(Sebastian) No, it just comes naturally!"


(At Collinwood)
"(Barnabas) We've all got to do everything we can. Maggie, you keep as close a watch on David, as you can. Julia, you keep hitting the books to find out something about Rose Cottage."
"(Julia) And what will you be doing?"
"(Barnabas) I'll be leaning on Quentin to get him to do something."


"(Barnabas) Well, I'll head back to the Old House."
"(Maggie) I'll walk you to the gate, Barnabas. I could use the fresh air."
(As Barnabas and Maggie leave, Julia hits the books)
"(Julia) (calling after them) Six inches, you two!"


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(An hour later, Julia is still reading)
"(Julia) People born under the sign of Sagitarius include Pop Singer Miley Cyrus, Pop Artist Diego Rivera, and Pop-ular Movie Mogul Walt Disney."


(Julia hears someone enter the house)
"(Julia) Oh, Maggie. Do you know you were gone a whole hour??... If I'd known you'd be out that long, I'd have had you bring me back a candy bar and a Coke."


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(Maggie starts up the stairs, then collapses back into Julia's arms, with two bite marks on her neck!!!!)
"(Julia) Boy, the mosquitoes must really be murder tonight!"


"(Julia) J'accuse!"
"(Barnabas) What? What??"


"(Bob Lloyd) And our favorite ingenue in waiting's waiting days are finally over."


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"(Dan Curtis) Captivated by the wit and charm of this plucky young flower child??"
"(Gordon Russell) Geez, you try to do something with a little extra class, and everybody makes fun of it!"


"(Ohrbach's Receptionist) We just got another order from those crazi Dark Shadows people again: 500 more neck scarves."


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          Episode 1090:   When Maggie collapses, Julia discovers fang marks on her neck.