Hallie Sits in The Comfy Chair!


David and Hallie Star in The Incredible Shrinking Man!
"And Woman!"


Hallie Wears Her Best Outfit of the Story!
"Today only."
"D'oh!"

Today on Dark Shadows...


Sebastian and Carolyn Play Games!
"Scissors beat anything, don't they?"
"Not Rock."
"They're very good scissors!"


Carolyn Plays That Hilarious Brain-Sucking Spider joke on Maggie!


Gerry Anderson Takes Over Production on Dark Shadows!


Episode 1093

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, Nancy Barrett, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Christopher Pennock
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Maggie Evans. Collinwood in the present time. Yesterday on Dark Shadows, a new line of David and Hallie action figures was launched..."
"(David) Let's hope the Hallie doll doesn't shout in my ear too..."


"(Maggie) Meanwhile, at an abandoned mansion on the edge of..."
"(Hallie) That's a doll house!"
"(Maggie) Oh! No wonder it looked better than most of our establishing shots."


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(As Hallie and David the Playroom...)
"(Hallie) David, LOOK!"
(no answer)
"(Hallie) David, can you hear me?"
(David is wearing a set of ear plugs)
"(David) I learned my lesson yesterday."


"(Hallie) Will you take those things out?"
POP!
"(Hallie) I'm trying to tell you that the dolls are gone from Rose Cottage!"
"(David) How can they be? We haven't left the room."
"(Hallie) I guess the spirits ghosted them away."
"(David) You mean the ghosts spirited them away."
"(Hallie) That's it. I haven't been in the Spook Game as long as you have."


(As Hallie and David turn to leave, they hear a ghostly voice)
"(Ghostly Voice) Hallie. Don't go."
"(David) Started talking to yourself, have you?"
"(Hallie) I didn't say anything."
"(David) It sounded just like you."
"(Ghostly Voice) You too, David. Stay and see what will happen to you."
"(David) I didn't see your lips move."
"(Hallie) That's because it wasn't me."
"(David) Do it again while drinking this glass of water."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


"(Voice of Carrie) When you two are finished arguing, will you look through the window of Rose Cottage to see what's going to happen to you??"
"(David) I guess we'd better..."
"(Hallie) David, LOOK!"
"(David) Will you PLEASE stop doing that??"


(Hallie and David look into Rose Cottage, and see, not dolls, but themselves)
"(David) Those aren't dolls! They're us! They're alive!"
"(Hallie) But they're tiny!"
"(David) Size isn't everything, Hallie."
"(Hallie) What does... that mean?"
"(David) Well, I don't know, but Mr. Loomis says it all the time." *
(fade to black)
* Yes, Willie is in this story, we just haven't seen him yet."


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(One commercial later, they've gone to the reverse angle view to save on split screen)
"(David) Are you sure that's really us?"
"(Hallie) Did you ever see clothes pin dolls that realistic looking before?"
"(David) No, but there's always a first time!"
"(Hallie) Say what?"
"(David) I never saw an "animal attack in the woods" before that was really an animal attack either, but that doesn't mean it couldn't happen."


"(Hallie) David, come away from there! Don't look in there again!"
"(David) All right, for all the good that it will do."
"(Hallie) How did we get in there? First there were the dolls. Then it was empty. Then it was us."
"(David) I don't know."
"(Hallie) What does it all mean?"
"(David) That we're screwed."
"(Hallie) Whatever screwed means, exactly."
"(David) Well, obviously."


"(Hallie) What does it mean that we're inside the dollhouse?"
"(David) Maybe it doesn't mean anything in particular. Maybe it's just supposed to be cool looking and scary, and Escher-esque."
"(Hallie) Or maybe it means we're going to be trapped in there forever!"
"(David) Now, don't panic just yet. It could just be symbolic, you know. There are lots of things it could mean."
"(Hallie) Like what?"
"(David) Well, it could mean that a) Gerard is going to shrink us. b) We're destined to set a new phone booth stuffing record in college. Or c), we're going to move to a $2000 a month apartment in Manhattan."
"(Hallie) Okay, but it probably means Gerard is going to shrink us!"
"(David) Yeah, probably. Do you have to be such a downer about it? Besides, I thought you girls were always dieting anyway!"


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"(Hallie) Oh David, what are we going to do?"
"(David) What We're going to figure out what to do, because I can't think of anything."
"(Hallie) Don't be funny!"
"(David) I'm not. We tried burning the dolls, running away, telling the others, and writing a tell-all book about Gerard. But there's still Barnabas and Doctor Hoffman. Maybe they'll find some way to fight Gerard even without our help."
"(Hallie) Are they very good at that kind of thing?"
"(David) Let's put it this way. When Barnabas tried to save Amy and me from Quentin, his idea of helping was to sit down and stare at a pile of painter's sticks on a table."*
"(Hallie) I'd better go get measured for a dollhouse..."
* They called them "I-Ching wands", but nobody was fooled.


"(Hallie) You're starting to act like you don't care what happens."
"(David) No, I do. I'm just not expecting much."
"(Hallie) Well, when you start talking all defeatist like that, it makes me start to panic! Don't you care about that?? (hyperventilates)"
"(David) I'm not expecting much success preventing that either."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


(the Carousel starts playing the Playroom Theme again)
"(David) The music, Hallie. Listen to the music."
"(Hallie) What, the Playroom Theme? That won't make me feel any better."
"(David) No, but it'll annoy you so much you'll forget about whatever else you're upset about."
(the Carousel continues cranking out that blankety-blank Playroom Theme)


(Outside, Carolyn passes by the Playroom)
"(Carolyn) What is that blankety-blank theme?"


B
(Carolyn opens the Playroom door, but only finds the Linen Closet inside) *
* If the Linen Closet is here while David and Hallie are in the Playroom, then where are David and Hallie now? If you think you know, let us know so we can write it into the show.


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(Carolyn comes out of the closet...)
"(Carolyn) Hey!"
(...and goes into Daphne's Room in search of that music)
"(Carolyn) Hello? Anybody alive in here?"


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(Back in the Playroom)
"(Hallie) David, we've heard that song 16,000 times now! Are you sure it won't play something else if we turn it upside down."
"(David) I'm sure it won't."
"(Hallie) How about if we throw it out the window?"


"(David) You should listen to the music, Hallie."
"(Hallie) I'm going to be hearing it in my dreams now!"
"(David) I mean really listen to it. It'got a soothing effect. It'll make you understand. (It'll also keep you from freaking out)."
"(Hallie) Understand about what? Rose Cottage?"
"(David) Yeah, that. For instance I know now that we won't be alone in Rose Cottage."
"(Hallie) Who will be with us? Gerard? Or Daphne?"
"(David) Uh uh."
"(Hallie) Tad and Carrie?"
"(David) Nope."
"(Hallie) Ken and Barbie?"
"(David) D'oh!"


"(David) Just listen to the music, and it will make you all calm and mellow like I am."
"(Hallie) Well... I'll try."
(the carousel plays)
"(David) Are you mellow yet?"
"(Hallie) It must be working. I only hate it 90% as much as I did a minute ago."


(As David leaves the Playroom, he bumps into Carolyn)
"(Carolyn) Where is that furshlugginer music coming from??"
(David realizes that if he doesn't do something, he'll not only be listening to the music, he'll be facing it)


(David quietly shuts the Playroom door)
"(Carolyn) David! What are you doing here?"
"(David) Just... hanging around."
"(Carolyn) Do you know where that music is coming from?"
"(David) No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it."


"(Carolyn) Answer me, David. What are you doing here in the West Wing?"
"(David) I was looking for Hallie."
"(Carolyn) Hallie never comes here. Why would you be looking for her here?"
"(David) I didn't really want to find her."


"(Carolyn) What about that music? Don't tell me you don't hear it."
"(David) Er... I think it's a radio."
"(Carolyn) A what?"
"(David) Yeah. And probably coming from the East Wing."
"(Carolyn) Nobody lives in the East Wing."
"(David) Nobody lives in the West Wing either, except Quentin, and he doesn't play stuff like that. He only plays Quentin's Theme."
(listens to the carousel some more)
"(David) ...Which is starting to sound good right about now."


(In the Playroom, the Carousel Theme has started to make Hallie lose her grip on reality)
"(Hallie) I see it all now! Gallagher IS funny!"


(David and Carolyn go downstairs)
"(Carolyn) Well, I give up. Where could Hallie be?"
"(David) Oh, she'll turn up some place."
"(Carolyn) You're not holding her prisoner, are you?"
"(David) Of course not.. I mean, I don't think so..."
"(Carolyn) Well, good. Because with Maggie sick, you two need to keep out of trouble more than ever."
"(David) It's no fair. The minute we're good, Maggie goes and gets in trouble on her own."
"(Carolyn) What? Did you think you had it patented?"


(As Carolyn starts to leave, Hallie enters)
"(Carolyn) Hallie! Hallie, where have you been?"
"(Hallie) Uh... in the kitchen."
"(Carolyn) I didn't see you when I looked."
"(Hallie) I didn't want you to... I was cheating on my diet."
"(Carolyn) I see. Did you happen to hear strange music in the West Wing?"
"(Hallie) Uh, yes. I think it was a... a radio."
"(Carolyn) The day THAT song is on the Top 40, I'll eat my hat."


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(Carolyn leaves)
"(Hallie) You were right... About the music, I mean. I do feel different. Calmer. Mellower."
"(David) Yeah, you do seem different. The music had that much effect so fast?"
"(Hallie) Those pills I found in Dr. Hoffman's bag might have had something to do with it too."


"(Hallie) I saw Gerard and Daphne after you left. And I know now what we must do tomorrow."
"(David) What?"
"(Hallie) Something very important. And very special. You'll find out."
"(David) Tell me now. I don't want to wait that long."
"(Hallie) That's what you get for missing staff meetings."


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(The next day) *
"(Hallie) You'll have to do the actual work."
"(David) Why?"
"(Hallie) Because my wrist still hurts from that accident a while back (rubs it)."
"(David) It was the other wrist."
"(Hallie) Oh, yeah. That's right."
* You can tell, because they're wearing different clothes.


"(Hallie) You get started while I go get some more supplies we need."
"(David) Roger."
(Hallie leaves) *
* Sonofagun if they didn't go and tell David what the plan is without telling us!


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(David picks up a clothes pin, and secures a piece of cloth to it with a rubber band) *
* Arts and Crafts Projects... Of the UNDEAD!


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(Hallie returns with a swatch of green felt, which she starts marking with a piece of chalk)
"(Hallie) You said your father was in Europe, right?"
"(David) Yeah. Why?"
"(Hallie) Good, nobody will notice this missing from his pool table for a while."
"(David) Oh boy, if I don't get killed, I'm gonna be blamed for this..."


"(Hallie) Okay, now take the scissors and cut around this outline I drew."
"(David) Can you give me one good reason why we're doing this?"
"(Hallie) Because we'll be killed if we don't."
"(David) That's a good reason!"
SNIP! SNIP! SNIP!


(Meanwhile in Maggie's Room)
"(Carolyn) Does it bother you when I do this?"
"(Maggie) For the last time, YES!"


"(Maggie) Could you do me a favor and draw the drapes?"
"(Carolyn) Are you sure? It's so bright... Wait a minute. I just thought of a great answer. Throw me that line again, Maggie."
"(Maggie) Could you do me a favor and sketch the drapes?"
"(Carolyn) Hmph! Spoilsport!"


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"(Carolyn) Why do you want it so dark in here? It's nice and sunny today."
"(Maggie) Blech! It hurts my eyes and gives me a headache."
"(Carolyn) Are you feeling worse?"
"(Maggie) No, I'll be fine if people will just leave me alone, pull the drapes, take the crosses out of the room, and leave me alone around midnight."
"(Carolyn) You know, it's funny, Maggie. Didn't you have these exact same symptoms right around the time Barnabas first arrived?"
"(Maggie) Coincidence."


"(David) Here you go."
"(Hallie) Thanks."
"(David) Why did you need a Sharpie pen, anyway?"
"(Hallie) It draws on cloth."
"(David) Oh."
"(Hallie) It also draws on glass, leather, styrofoam, CD's, DVD's, ceramics, is permanent, waterproof, and reasonably priced at under a dollar."
"(David) Why do I think we just got a new sponsor today?"


"(Hallie) How did you have time to go out to the store for it?"
"(David) I didn't. I borrowed it from Quentin when he wasn't looking."
"(Hallie) Quentin has a Sharpie?"
"(David) Yeah, I guess those who can't do... own."


"(David) Why do we have to make this doll anyway?"
"(Hallie) Will you lower your voice?"
"(David) Why do we have to make this doll anyway?"
"(Hallie) Yeah, yeah, that's better (Sheesh)..."


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(Their conversation is interrupted as David answers a knock at the front door)
"(Sebastian) Hey, cats!"
"(David) Sorry, I have a dog."
"(Sebastian) That's hip talk. It means Hello."
"(David) Oh, I see. Hey, cats."
"(Sebastian) Far out. I'm here to see Maggie. Is she here?"
"(David) Yes, but she's sick."
"(Sebastian) Is she sick to everybody or just me?"
"(David) As far as I know, to everybody."
"(Sebastian) Oh, that's good. I mean that's terrible!"


"(Sebastian) What's wrong with Maggie, anyway?"
"(David) I don't know, nobody ever tells us kids anything."
"(Sebastian) Tell me about it. That happened to me when I was your age, and I've been rebelling ever since."
(As Sebastian is occupied with David, Hallie slips up behind and sticks an "I Love Classical Music" sign on his back)


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"(Hallie) I'll go upstairs and see if Maggie will see you."
(Hallie makes her getaway)
"(Sebastian) Oh, David. I wanted to see you too. Now, I don't know if you're going to understand this, but I really can't do your horoscope."
"(David) That's fine."
"(Sebastian) If you're still alive at the end of the year, ask me again, because... What did you say?"
"(David) I said that's fine. If you've lost your powers, it happens."
"(Sebastian) No, no. I don't mean I CAN'T do it. I mean I can't do it."
"(David) Oh, you mean an italic "can't", instead of all caps."
"(Sebastian) Right, I mean I DO want to do it, but I just can't.... Even though I can... Er, do you understand?"
"(David) Yes."
"(Sebastian) Thank goodness!"


"(Sebastian) You're taking this well. Yesterday you really wanted your horoscope."
"(David) I've decided that since the Future is unpreventable, I might as well be surprised by it."
(Carolyn enters)
"(David) Besides, I have Carolyn for that."
"(Sebastian) Carolyn can tell the Future?"
"(Carolyn) I told him earlier what would happen if he didn't get to bed."


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(David skedaddles)
"(Carolyn) We can talk in the Drawing Room if you like."
"(Sebastian) Mrs. Hawkes, did Hallie tell you I'd come to see Maggie?"
"(Carolyn) Yes, but I'm afraid she's really not up for visitors at the moment. You see, she was attacked by an animal in the woods."
"(Sebastian) I see... Would she happen to have two bite marks on the neck, have lost a lot of blood, even though there was no blood on her clothes, and be suffering now from an abnormal fear of the daylight?"
"(Carolyn) How did you know all that?"
"(Sebastian) Er... Lucky Guess."


(Later in Hallie's Room)
"(Hallie) What took you so long?"
"(David) I had to come up the back stairs to avoid being seen."
"(Hallie) And that took an hour?"
"(David) It took that long for them to build a Back Stairs set."


"(Hallie) All right, let's get started. Take the Sharpie and draw a face on this doll."
"(David) Whose face?"
"(Hallie) Oh, like it matters! It's a face on a piece of felt with a Sharpie! Two dots and a U-shape, that's all it takes. We're not drawing the Mona Lisa here."
"(David) What, no nose?"
"(Hallie) D'oh!"
"(David) You know, I think I like you better scared than grouchy."


(In the Drawing Room)
"(Sebastian) And Dr. Hoffman doesn't understand what kind of animal it could have been?"
"(Carolyn) No, and neither do I. It's all very familiar, yet very perplexing."
"(Sebastian) And she wasn't bitten anywhere except the neck?"
"(Carolyn) Not that we can tell. It's all very mysterious yet very familiar somehow."
"(Sebastian) And you say she's been given transfusions?"
"(Carolyn) Yes, but it's so odd. When we give her the transfusion, she just says "Easy come, easy go"."


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"(Sebastian) Does Dr. Hoffman say she'll recover?"
"(Carolyn) Well, Julia says that if Maggie remains calm, and if she stays in bed, she'll be all right. But it seems to be affecting her… well, I won't say her mind, but her spirit. Maggie seems so depressed in the daytime, and combative at night."
"(Sebastian) I see! Yes, indeed."
"(Carolyn) What do you see?"
"(Sebastian) Oh, nothing."
"(Carolyn) And this isn't familiar to you at all?"
"(Sebastian) Oh, not at all!"
"(Carolyn) I don't get it. What kind of animal can attack a girl without mussing up her hair?"
"(Sebastian) In New York, we called them Gigolos."


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"(Carolyn) You don't seem terribly surprised."
"(Sebastian) I am, I'm just... shocked. Um, did Maggie ask to see me?"
"(Carolyn) Well, she didn't say she didn't want to see you."
"(Sebastian) So you didn't ask her?"
"(Carolyn) She's just not at her best. No, I didn't ask, but I'm sure she doesn't want you seeing her laid up in bed with a needle in her arm"
"(Sebastian) Hey, it's not like if she keeps dating me, she won't see me with a needle in my arm!"
"(Carolyn) I really didn't need to hear that..."


"(Sebastian) How about if I call again tomorrow?"
"(Carolyn) How about if you telephone first?"
"(Sebastian) All right, I will. But you haven't seen the last of me. You might as well know that I'm not a man who gives up easily. Not on anything!"
(As he turns to go, Carolyn gives Sebastian a funny look)
"(Carolyn) Do you really love Classical Music?"
"(Sebastian) HALLIE!!!"


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(In the Playroom, David has made a little doll out of the clothespin, dressed it in the green felt, drawn a face on it and given it yellow hair)
"(David) I really didn't expect to be doing this kind of thing until I was grown up and trying to quit smoking."


"(David) I'd still like to know why we're sitting around making dolls."
"(Hallie) What's wrong with making dolls? I don't mind."
"(David) Of course you don't mind. You're a girl!"
"(Hallie) You're saying because you're a boy you don't like making dolls?"
"(David) That's right!"
"(Hallie) Are... you saying that you dislike it so much that it might even provide potential blackmail material for future..."
"(David) Suddenly I don't like the way this conversation is going."


"(David) Just tell me why we're making the dolls."
"(Hallie) The doll, silly, is to represent someone who's going to live with us in Rose Cottage. Just as our dolls enable us to live there, this doll will enable her."
"(David) I don't know who you're talking about, but I hope it's a maid."
"(Hallie) Don't be silly, David. The last thing we need in Rose Cottage is a maid."
"(David) What do you mean?"
"(Hallie) Well, when you live in a dollhouse, it's easy to "pick up" the place. Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
"(David) D'oh!"


(David puts the new doll in Rose Cottage alongside the Hallie and David dolls)
"(Hallie) Oh, you did a good job with it, David. It even looks like her!"
(David does a double take at the green doll)
"(David) I don't know who "She" is, but I'm going to tell her you said that!"


(In Maggie's Room)
"(Carolyn) Sebastian was really disappointed that he couldn't see you, Maggie. Are you sure you don't want to see him?"
"(Maggie) I'm not up for what he wants to see me for. What time is it, Carolyn?"
"(Carolyn) Uh, exactly 7:05:36."
"(Maggie) 7:05:36??"
"(Carolyn) According to the digital watch Barnabas brought me from 1995."


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(Maggie gets up)
"(Carolyn) What are you doing?"
"(Maggie) I've got to go!"
"(Carolyn) No! Julia says you mustn't. Here, let me re-make your bed for you. That'll make you more comfortable."
"(Maggie) Carolyn, I've got to get out of here! You don't understand!"
"(Carolyn) All right. Enlighten me."
(pause) "(Maggie) I didn't way I wanted you to understand, just that you didn't..."


(Meanwhile in the West Wing, the Playroom is dull, lifeless and empty...)


(The Carousel starts playing, but that only makes things worse)


(In Maggie's Room, Carolyn is humming the Playroom Theme as she makes the bed)
"(Carolyn) La-de-da, de-dah, dah-dah-dee-dah. Waits us all in Ger-ard's world..."
"(Maggie) What's that?"
"(Carolyn) What's what?"
"(Maggie) That song you're humming."
"(Carolyn) Oh, I don't know. Just something I heard somewhere. Probably on the radio."
"(Maggie) I don't know. It sure doesn't sound Top 40 material to me."


(Carolyn tosses a quarter on the newly made bed to see if it bounces)
"(Carolyn) There we are. Perfect... If you ever join the Marines..."
"(Maggie) Thank you."
"(Carolyn) Just remember. If you tell anybody I did housework, I'm going to kill you!"


(Back in Hallie's Room, David is having one of his rare attacks of conscience)
"(David) Maybe we shouldn't have done it."
"(Hallie) Do you want to live in Rose Cottage alone?"
"(David) I don't want to live there at all. We'll be two inches tall, living in a dollhouse for the rest of our lives."
"(Hallie) At least you won't have to dress like you're lead drummer in The Partridge Family any more."
"(David) I didn't say it wouldn't have any upside."


"(Hallie) What's your problem? You won't be alone. I'll be with you."
"(David) We can't avoid it. I just don't know if it's right to condemn someone else to live there too."
"(Hallie) What's wrong with you today? Didn't you use to be the one who always said Misery loves Company?"
"(David) You're right!"


(In her room, Maggie is looking wistfully out the window)
"(Carolyn) Are you all right? You almost seem like you're telepathically in contact with some undead creature."
"(Maggie) I'm just trying to get some fresh air!"


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"(Carolyn) Please get back in bed. You shouldn't even be up."
"(Maggie) Carolyn, it's nice of you to worry about me."
"(Carolyn) If you collapse, Barnabas and Julia are going to blame me."
"(Maggie) Well, nice of you to worry about something, anyway. Would you mind humming that tune again?"
"(Carolyn) You mean... La-de-da, de-dah, dah-dah-dee-dah. Waits us all in Ger-ard's world..."
"(Maggie) Thanks, that gives me the incentive to find a way to escape from here."


(Later, in the Playroom, the dolls are burning the midnight oil)


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(Carolyn herself enters)
"(Carolyn) Gasp! This was a Linen Closet two hours ago!... Either something is going on here, or this has turned into an episode of Home Improvement!"


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(Carolyn spots the Carousel playing)
"(Carolyn) (to herself) This room can't be here. Why is it? Why am I?"
"(Carolyn) (out loud) Who is it? Who called me?? who wants me here?"
(fade to black)
"(Carolyn's Voice) And who turned out the lights??"


"(Bob Lloyd) Who has called Carolyn to the Playroom? Tune in tomorrow to find the shocking answer to..."
"(Dan Curtis) As if they didn't know already!"


          Episode 1093:   After seeing themselves inside the Rose Cottage dollhouse, David and Hallie speculate about their future.