David and Hallie star in Honey, I Shrunk the Devil Tots



Quentin Does Some Research!
"This is the real Daphne!?? A centerfold in some antebellum tabloid rag??"


Julia and Hallie Have a Heart to Heart!
"It's a very simple procedure, Hallie It can be done as outpatient surgery, and you even get a day off from school."
"But Doctor Hoffman, why do I need a lobotomy?"


Daphne Burns the Midnight Oil!
"Ooooh, I can't take much more of this. Being a ghost is a real drain on a Natural Day Person like me."

Today on Dark Shadows...


Quentin Gets Bummed Out!
"Everyone wears miniskirts, so how come nobody wears low cut blouses? I've been standing on this landing for two hours now!"


The Collinsport Players Do Rowan and Martin's Laugh-In!
"Veeeeeeery interestink!"
"But shtupid!"


Julia Foils Hallie's Getaway Attempt!
"Why do you think I let you wear high heels?"


Gerard's War of 1812 Stories Don't Go Over Very Well!


Daphne Gets Tough on the Kids!
"You two are going to sit down and you are not going to get up until that homework is finished, young man."


Quentin Still Can't Get a Date!
"You're not 18 yet, are you Hallie? No, never mind. What am I thinking??"


Episode 1096

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, James Storm, Grayson Hall, Kate Jackson, David Selby
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"I am The Original Quentin Collins."
"(Bob Lloyd) The Original, as in the one from 1840?"
"(Quentin) No, the Original as in the first one to appear on this show!"


Blank:
-


"(Quentin) The Great House at Collinwood as it looks in the present time. By way of a strange experience in the year 1995..."
"(Bob Lloyd) Whish is the future..."
"(Quentin) ...Obviously. Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman learned that a terrible catastrophe occurred at Collinwood in this year of 1970. They have tried desperately to find a way to avert that tragedy, and the best that can be said of their efforts is that the tragedy hasn't happened yet. Barnabas and Julia know that the people in the two greatest dangers are the children, Hallie and David. However, their attempts to protect them have so far been derailed by the lack of forthrightness in one that they thought they could trust... Hmm, I wonder who that is?"
"(Bob Lloyd) That's you."
"(Quentin) oh, I see."


Blank:
-


(In the Woods)
"(David) But I don't want to go with you, Gerard! I want to go back to Collinwood. They'll see that I'm gone from my room and come looking for me. Please… please let me go back!"
(Gerard touches David's forehead, to give him the Vulcan Mindlock
"(David) (blankly) Gamera is friend of children!"
(Gerard smiles and nods)


"(Bob Lloyd) Vote now in the exciting online Dark Shadows polling game. Why is Gerard taking David out in the woods? Text 1 to vote "To help him get in some field work for his Demonic Possession Merit Badge". Text 2 to vote "To get him lost". Text 3 to vote "For something they could never do on Television, so this choice is pretty much automatically wrong". And Text 4 to vote "Because it's there." $4.95 per Text, kids ask your parent's permission before entering."


Blank:
-


"(David) But Gerard, we don't even have a woodshed! We burn coal... I usually get enough from Santa to last all year."
"(Bob Lloyd) I'm sorry, all the choices were wrong. Thanks for playing, kids."


"(David) Can we go home now?"
(Gerard beckons him onwards with a sneer)
"(David) All right. I'll follow you. Can't you tell me where you're going? Why isn't Hallie here? Where is Hallie? Why can't you tell me anything?"
(Gerard dons a pair of ear plugs)


Blank:
-


(Meanwhile, in the Drawing Room)
"(Julia) Hallie, you don't seem to realize how urgent this is. You must tell me where David is."
"(Hallie) But I've told you a dozen of times! I don't know! Why won't you believe me??"
"(Julia) Because I know you're frightened, and afraid to talk."
"(Hallie) But I'm always frightened! If being frightened made me afraid to talk, I'd be a mime!"


"(Julia) I wish I could impress on you how important this is."
"(Hallie) Oh, please! I know nothing! I see nothing! Please let me go back to my room."
"(Julia) Ha! Her room, she says?! You'd be at their mercy in your room!"
"(Hallie) No! I'll leave the lights on!"
"(Julia) Hallie, that only works for Monsters under the bed!"


"(Julia) They've communicated with you, haven't they?"
"(Hallie) Gasp! Of course they haven't!... Er, who do you mean?"
"(Julia) Gerard and Daphne."
"(Hallie) No, it's as I thought. Of course they haven't."
"(Julia) Are you sure?"
"(Hallie) Positive! I don't know anyone by those names!"
"(Julia) You were talking to somebody just as I came to your door! Now, who was it?"
"(Hallie) Ernest."
"(Julia) Who?"
"(Hallie) Ernest Baxter, the Stage Manager... He was telling me to manage the stage a little better."


Blank:
-


"(Julia) What do Gerard and Daphne want you and David to do?"
"(Hallie) Oh, leave me alone! Please me alone!"
"(Julia) You are not going to leave this room until you tell me everything!"
"(Hallie) All right! All right, I was the one who put the Nair in your shampoo!"
"(Julia) I don't mean everything you've ever done, I mean everything about Gerard and... Wait a minute, what was that???"


"(Julia) Look, forget that for now! You're going to tell me everything you know and you're going to do it now!"
"(Hallie) I can't tell you anything! I don't KNOW anything!"
"(Julia) I don't believe that for a second, Hallie!"
"(Hallie) Why don't you talk to Maggie, then? She sure believed it after she graded my last History test!"


"(Hallie) I don't know much about History and I know even less about ghosts! Can't you understand that?? I haven't seen any ghosts!"
"(Julia) Ghosts? Who said anything about ghosts, Hallie? I never said Gerard and Daphne were ghosts. What made you say that?"
"(Hallie) Uhhhhh... Maybe you told me in an earlier episode!"
"(Julia) I most certainly did not."
"(Hallie) Maybe you told somebody else and they told me?"
(pause)
"(Hallie) I didn't think so."


"(Julia) Hallie, I've got to find some way to make you understand. You don't want David to come to any harm, do you?"
"(Hallie) Of course not!"
"(Julia) Well, then you must tell me where he is, because he is in danger. His life is in danger, and yours may be too! Now, where is he?"
"(Hallie) All right, you win! He..."
(Hallie spots Daphne in the Seaward Window, and stiffens)
"(Hallie) Name: Hallie Stokes! Rank: I don't know! Serial Number: Don't know that either! (I told you I didn't know anything!)"


Blank:
-


"(Julia) You just saw one of them, didn't you??"
"(Hallie) No!"
(Julia takes a look at the window, just in time to see Daphne disappear in a blinding cascading flash of iridescent light)
"(Julia) That is the most expensive effect we have ever done!... Pity it was all off camera..."


(As Julia turns to look at the expensive special effect, Hallie makes a run for the front door, only to be brought down at the 5 yard line)
"(Julia) Oh, no you don't, young lady!"
"(Hallie) Let me go! Oh, please let me go!"
"(Julia) No! They want you to go where David as disappeared to, and I can't let that happen. Where did they tell you to go?"
"(Hallie) I don't know what you're talking about! Just let me go!"
(Hallie thrashes wildly for freedom)
"(Julia) Hallie, if you don't calm down, someone is going to burst a blood vessel! Now, you're coming back inside, and I'm giving you a sedative!"
"(Hallie) But I don't need a sedative!"
"(Julia) But I need you to have one!!"


(Up on the Landing, Quentin has heard everything!)
"(Quentin) Huh? What did I just hear?"


(In the West Wing, Daphne Materializes in Her Own Room)
"(Daphne) (to herself) This place is a DUMP!... We need to possess Mrs. Johnson and get her to pick up in here once in a while."


Blank:
-


(Daphne goes to her desk and starts memorizing a blank piece of paper * that she pulls out)
* It's all her lines for this episode.


(Daphne puts down the "script", and pulls some kind of diagram out of the drawer)
"(Daphne) (to herself) As if anyone ever got Legos to look like that outside the factory!"


Blank:
-


(Quentin bursts in angrily)
"(Quentin) All right, Daphne, we've got to talk!"
(long silence)
"(Quentin) Actually, it might be better if I talk and you listen."


"(Quentin) Daphne. I just heard that David has gone missing. I want to know if you know anything about it."
(pause)
"(Quentin) If you do, you've got to tell me."
(pause)
"(Quentin) Or write it down..."
(pause)
"(Quentin) Maybe a game of Charades?"
(pause)
"(Quentin) Actually, if you'd just point in the right direction, I'd settle for that..."


Blank:
-


"(Quentin) Daphne, look! I've covered for you so far, but I've got to know if David is in any real danger!"
(silence)
"(Quentin) Look, if David is in any real danger, I have to know!"
(silence)
"(Quentin) Come on, I don't mind you possessing him or dressing him up in dorky clothes... Come to think of it, I did the same thing to him when I was dead... Ahem, but I digress."


Blank:
-


"(Quentin) I've had enough of this, Daphne! Now, I'm going to count to three! One... Two..."
(With a start, Quentin notices that Daphne has disappeared)
"(Quentin) Hmm, maybe I should have just counted to One."


(Quentin picks up the drawing)
"(Quentin) Hmmm, why is this place familiar to me? Why?"
(studies it some more)
"(Quentin) If I could figure out where it is, it might make a nifty hideout until Julia has forgiven me."


Blank:
-


(Meanwhile, in the woods)
"(David) Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?"
(Gerard mimes a d'oh)
"(David) By the way, where are we going?"
(Gerard mimes another)


"(Bob Lloyd) Meanwhile, in a dollhouse in the attic... Hey, wait a minute! That's a real place!"


(Gerard points through the trees)
"(David) Hey! It's Rose Cottage! It's a real place! It really exists!"
(Gerard smiles evilly)
"(David) So, how come Dr. Hoffman didn't find it when she searched the Tax Records?"
(Gerard mimes another D'oh)


(Back at Collinwood, Julia is on the phone)
"(Julia) Eliot! Oh, you're finally there! I've been trying to get you all day! What's that? How are things going? Well... ha, ha. You're going to laugh.... It seems Gerard has lured David out of the house for some unspeakable purpose... Yes, that's right, but we managed to save Hallie for you... Yes, don't thank me... What's that?... You weren't going to?"


Blank:
-


"(Julia) Yes, and as long as tragedy hasn't befallen Hallie yet, I wanted to get her over to your place where she'll be safe... What's that?... About an hour. what are you doing right now?... I see... You're storing a cursed Egyptian ankh for the museum? Doesn't anybody have any normal hobbies around here???"


"(Julia) I'll go upstairs and get Hallie's bag. You stay here and keep a watch on her. And if Barnabas comes by, tell him I'll be down soon."
"(Quentin) Will do."
(Julia goes upstairs)
"(Quentin) Well, Hallie. How'd you like to play a game to pass the time?"
"(Hallie) How about Hide and Seek? You close your eyes and count to a hundred."
"(Quentin) okay, and... Wait a minute, you're not going to catch me with that!... Save that stuff for Willie Loomis!"


"(Hallie) Quentin, please! Don't let her take me to my Uncle's house. I want to stay here in Collinwood!"
"(Quentin) What Dr. Hoffman says is for your own good, Hallie. You don't realize the danger you're in. Besides, I don't think Julia quite trusts me."
"(Hallie) What do you mean?"
"(Quentin) Well, when she called me down, she told me to keep an eye on you, and not to "screw it up". What's with her? Does she think I'm completely incompetent?"
"(Hallie) She said that!? I think you should go up there and give her a piece of your mind!"
"(Quentin) Well, you're right, I will, and... Hey! Nice try, kid!"


"(Quentin) Sniff, sniff. What's that?"
"(Hallie) What's what?"
"(Quentin) The scent of lilacs! She's here!"
"(Hallie) Who is?"
(Daphne appears)
"(Quentin) Daphne! I knew you'd come!"
"(Hallie) You mean you two know each other?? You knew about her and didn't tell anyone about it??"
"(Quentin) You're shameless, you know that, Kid?"


Blank:
-


"(Quentin) Daphne! I knew that you wouldn't let anything happen to the children. You're going to tell me where David is, aren't you?"
(Daphne smiles flirtatiously) *
* As flirtatious as a ghost can be. We couldn't quite picture it either, so we've turned her the other way to let you imagine it for yourself.


(Behind his back, Hallie runs off)
"(Quentin) Hey!"
(too late, Quentin notices, but Hallie is out the door and gone!)
"(Quentin) You tricked me, Daphne! You tricked me!"
(Quentin goes back into the Drawing Room, but Daphne is gone too)
"(Quentin) Erm... It looks like you tricked me again!"


"(Quentin) Hoo boy, Julia isn't going to like this... Maybe if I whack myself over the head with this lead pipe and claim Hallie did it... No, I'd better not. I don't trust what Julia might do to me if she got me unconscious."


(In the woods, Daphne is leading Hallie along)
"(Hallie) (babbling) ...And I'm so relieved to find out that Rose Cottage is a real place! Would you believe that David and I actually thought you were going to make us live in a dollhouse? I've been dieting for a week now..."


(Meanwhile, back at Collinwood)
"(Julia) How could you do it, Quentin? How could you, of all people, let a woman get away from you???"
"(Quentin) Well, I didn't mean to! I felt a... a presence. I turned to look and when I turned back, Hallie was gone."
"(Julia) Did you see a ghost?"
"(Quentin) Oh no! No, no, no! I didn't see nothing. I mean I DID see nothing. I just had that kind of feeling. You know, the kind you have like someone is looking over your shoulder. So, I turned to look."
"(Julia) Quentin, looking over your shoulder just takes a second. You're saying Hallie got away from you in that time? What, are you just stupid or something?"
"(Quentin) Er yes, that's it! I've got witnesses!"


Blank:
-


"(Quentin) It all just happened very quickly, that's all? Maybe I... thought I saw something in the window... like a reflection. Yes, it's all coming back to me now! I saw a reflection in the window, which I thought was a ghost, but actually wasn't. And by the time I'd stared long enough to figure that it wasn't, Hallie was gone."
"(Julia) Well, that's just ducky. Thanks to you, David is still missing. We have no leads for finding him. And now Hallie has disappeared too! Eliot Stokes is expecting us to drop her off, I've got to call back, and say not only haven't we got her, but she fell into some kind of deadly danger behind our backs! And I was only gone for three minutes!"
"(Quentin) What can I say, but "Whoops!"?"


"(Quentin) Don't worry, Julia. I'll make it good. I'll go out there and find Hallie if I have to search every inch of this estate to do it."
"(Julia) Yeah, right."
(As Quentin leaves, Julia finds a lilac scented note on the floor)
"(Quentin's Voice) You're laughing, but I'm REALLY going to bring her back!"
"(Julia) Break a leg."
"(Quentin's Voice) Thanks, Julia."
"(Julia) No, I mean REALLY break a leg."


(At Rose Cottage, Gerard is communicating telepathically with David)
"(David) Uh huh... That one over there is my room... And this one is yours... But if I ever come in and see a black handkerchief tied to the doorknob, it means you've got a hot date and I should get lost for the evening."


"(David) Gerard. Can't you tell me why… why we've come here? What's going to happen to u s? Is Hallie going to come? How long do we have to wait?"
(David sits down in a chair)
FART!
"(David) Okay, okay, I guess we're even now!"


(In the Woods, Daphne parts the bushes)
"(Hallie) It's true! Rose Cottage really is a real place!"
(Daphne smiles)
"(Hallie) So how come Doctor Hoffman couldn't find it in the Tax Records?"
(Daphne frowns)


(At Rose Cottage, visions of sugarplums begin to dance in David's head)
"(David) Zzzzzzz.... What the heck is a sugar plum?"


Blank:
-


(At Rose Cottage, David dreams he's with Hallie in Rose Cottage) *
"(Hallie) David, we've been in this room before."
"(David) I know. But it was only in a dream."
"(Hallie) What's this? Chopped liver?"
"(David) This room is exactly like the one we saw in our dream!"
"(Hallie) Well, not exactly. There's a back wall instead of being open to the outside... And that door isn't just painted on any more."
* Kind of monotonous, isn't it?


(Ken and Barbie are in the chairs, just like in their dream in Episode 1082!)
"(Hallie) Hey David, get a load of this! Ken has two noses!"
"(David) I guess he's not anatomically correct after all."


"(Hallie) And look at this! They're crying. They're both crying!"
"(David) So?"
"(Hallie) But dolls don't cry."
"(David) Are you sure? Before Betsy Wetsy came out, I didn't think they soiled themselves either."


Blank:
-


(David and Hallie hear voices coming from the dolls)
"(Hallie) David, I hear voices coming from the..."
"(David) Yeah, I heard, I heard!"
"(Voice of Carrie) Are we going to die?"
"(Voice of Tad) Yes. We are."
"(Voice of Carrie) But I don't want to die!"
"(David) Boy, talk about if it ain't broke, don't fix it!"


(Daphne appears in the doorway)
"(Hallie) David, I don't understand what they were talking about! How can anybody die and then live again?"
"(David) Well, obviously you can't live "again" until you've died. That part was fairly obvious."


(Daphne advances on them with sinister outstretched arms)
"(Hallie) David, what's going on here??"
"(David) I don't know, but let me do the talking."
"(Hallie) Okay."
"(David) Hallie did it!"
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


(David wakes up and finds that Daphne really is in the room with him, waiting with outstretched arms)
"(David) Zoinks!!"
(Daphne grabs David and gives him a big hug)
"(David) Funny, I was expecting something worse than that."


(Hallie enters)
"(Hallie) David! You're here too?"
"(David) We've got to get out of here, Hallie! Something's going to happen! Something terrible!"
(Hallie takes a good look around at themselves trapped in Rose Cottage, Gerard on one side of them and Daphne on the other)
"(Hallie) Are you sure it hasn't already happened?"


"(David) Something worse is going to happen! Something terrible!"
"(Hallie) How do you know?"
"(David) I had a dream. And we went into that room with the dolls. And we heard voices! Talking about death."
"(Hallie) Death?"
"(David) Yes. We have to run as fast as we can back to Collinwood."
(David and Hallie both get extremely mellow all of a sudden)
"(Hallie) (blankly) No, David. It's too late to run. We have to do what they want us to do."
"(David) Yes. Whatever they want us to do... As long as it doesn't involve eating liver."


Blank:
-


(In the woods, Quentin checks his map)
"(Quentin) This doesn't look like the La Brea tar pits to me... You know, I just KNEW I should have turned left at Albuquerque."


(Quentin pulls out Daphne's diagram and looks at it again)
"(Quentin) Wait a minute, I recognize this place now! This is The Old McGruder Place at the far end of the estate... Which, come to think of it, used to be called Rose Cottage! Oh boy, Julia is going to kill me for THIS too!... I wonder why she didn't find it in the Tax Records?"


(Gerard and Daphne usher David and Hallie into the main room)
"(Hallie) Wow! For a house that's been abandoned for over a century, this place is in great shape!"
"(David) Yeah. Daphne's room back at Collinwood is a complete dump."


Blank:
-


"(Hallie) David! This is the room that was in our dream!"
"(David) I know that."
"(Hallie) Everything is exactly the same except Ken and Barbie aren't there."
"(David) The dolls aren't here because we don't need them any more."
"(Hallie) I didn’t know we needed them before!"
"(David) They were needed before so we could find this place to get into the mess we're in now. Now that we're hopelessly trapped here, they aren't needed."
"(Hallie) Oh, that's right... (pause) You know, on the whole, this day has been a bit of a bummer, hasn't it?"


(Gerard and Daphne sit David and Hallie down in chairs)
"(Hallie) David, what's happening!?"
"(David) I think they're going to make us play a rubber of Bridge before they kill us."
"(Hallie) Bridge? That sounds nice. Who's Dummy?"
"(David) You are if you believe that."


Blank:
-


"(Hallie) David, shouldn't we be running, or screaming, or something?"
(Gerard takes David's hand, causing David to go blank)
"(David) (blankly) Gamera is friend of children!"
"(Hallie) (disgusted) I'm getting SICK of that!"


Blank:
-


"(Hallie) If it's up to me to fight off two ghosts, and carry David out of here on my back, I think I'll Pass."
(Gerard takes Hallie's hand and pacifies her too)
"(Hallie) (blankly) Say Good Night, Gracie..."


(Gerard and Daphne leave David and Hallie alone)
"(Hallie) David, I'm bored already."
"(David) My heart bleeds for you."


(the ghosts of Tad and Carrie materialize at the edges of the room)
"(Hallie) David, I'm scared to death."
"(David) Well, I've got good news for you then."
"(Hallie) What?"
"(David) At least this time you have reason to be."
"(Hallie) D'oh!"


(Tad and Carrie move to sit down at the table)
"(Ghost of Tad) I'll enter Carrie's body, you enter David."
"(Ghost of Carrie) How about we do it the other way around?"
"(Ghost of Tad) Better yet."


(As the ghosts sit at the table, David and Hallie morph into Tad and Carrie)
"(David) Goodbye, Hallie."
"(Hallie) Goodbye, David."
"(Ghost of Carrie) Good night, John Boy."
"(Ghost of Tad) Good night, Suckers!"


"(Quentin) Great, and I suppose Julia is going to blame me for this too!"


Blank:
-


"(Hallie) David, if we're dead, I'll never speak to you again!"


Blank:
-


Blank:
-


"(Tom Bodett) With rooms like this, maybe we'd better not leave the light on for ya."


          Episode 1096:   Gerard leads David to the real house of Rose Cottage, known now as the Old McGruder place.