For those of you wondering where Roger is during this story...

"Richard Dawson:   And it's time... to play... DA FEUD!"

"Dawson:   Fifty people surveyed, top 6 answers on the board. Name something found in the attic of a typical home."

"Dawson:   Yes! Roger Collins from Collinsport, Maine!"
"Roger:   Uh, the ghost of a dead governess?"
"Dawson:   Is it the ghost of a dead governess?"

"Other Guy:   How about Old Clothes?"
"Dawson:   Is it the dreaded 'Old Clothes'?"
"Roger:   What kind of screwy answers are these?"

The Collinsport Players Do The NBC Mystery Movie!

Hallie and David Play Dungeons & Dragons!
"Okay, as you scoop the Gold Pieces into your pouch, a ghost appears. What do you do?"
"I scream."
"Okay, roll a Saving Throw on two d12's to see if your eardrums give out."

Barnabas Gets All Burned Up About Something!

Today on Dark Shadows...

Today's Episode Gets an X Rating in 1840!

See Previous!

The Collinsport Players Do Laurel and Hardy!
"Well, this is another fine mess you've gotten me into!"

Episode 1097

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, Jonathan Frid, Grayson Hall, David Selby, Nancy Barrett
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Carolyn Hawkes. Last time on Dark Shadows, for David and Hallie, being possessed became a full time job."

"(Carolyn) In the Collinwood of 1970, only Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman believe that a disaster will wipe out the Collins family before the end of the year. An important clue centers around a place called Rose Cottage, which, unbeknownst to Barnabas and Julia, is a dollhouse. However, also unbeknownst to them, the dollhouse is modeled after an actual abandoned mansion nearby. So, in short, not only do Barnabas and Julia not know that Rose Cottage is a dollhouse, they also don't know... that it isn't... which doesn't really make sense, does it?"

(At the full size Rose Cottage, David and Hallie are sitting in chairs staring at each other)
"(Hallie) Oh, David. I'm so scared."
"(David) Of what?"
"(Hallie) Did I say scared? I meant bored."


(The ghosts of Tad and Carrie appear on either side of them)
"(Ghost of Tad) Are these seats taken?"
"(David) Yes, as a matter of fact."
"(Ghost of Carrie) That's okay. Don't get up."
(Tad and Carrie sit down in the same seats as David and Hallie)
"(Hallie) You know, there were two empties over there!"

(David and Hallie morph into Tad and Carrie)
"(Ghost of Tad) Goodbye, David."
"(Ghost of Carrie) Goodbye, Hallie."
"(Hallie) Get up, you're hurting us!"

"(Bob Lloyd) You know, I think I've figured out this opening sequence."
"(Dan Curtis) How do you mean?"
"(Bob Lloyd) The fact that the moon is ALWAYS full in Collinsport explains why the tide is always coming in in the credits."


"(Bob Lloyd) As Tad and Carrie sit, their clothes somehow morph back into those of David and Hallie."
"(Dan Curtis) No, no. I think we stopped seeing Tad and Carrie's clothes because they entered David and Hallie."
"(Ken McEwen) No, I think that David and Hallie never looked like Tad and Carrie at all, and they were only shown that way for a moment as a tipoff to the audience that David and Hallie had been possessed." *
* Do you think you know what's happening in this scene? If so, please write in and explain it to us.


"(David) We’re alive! Carrie, we’re alive again!"
"(Hallie) Yes! Daphne kept her promise! I can’t believe it’s true!"
"(David) Neither can I! I thought that bringing us back from the dead was just one of those things adults say to get you to do your homework!"
"(Hallie) We don't have any homework. We're dead."
"(David) Yeah, I thought it was kind of strange too."

"(Hallie) Where did Daphne and Gerard go?"
"(David) I don’t know! They were here at the end of the last episode."
"(Hallie) You… you don’t suppose they’ve deserted us, do you??"
"(David) Oh Carrie, you spook so easily."
"(Hallie) I do not!"
"(David) Yes you do! When you were dead, you were even afraid of yourself!"
"(Hallie) Only when I looked in the mirror!"

"(David) Daphne hasn't left us. Don't you remember? She promised us she never would."
"(Hallie) But then, where is she? She is our governess, after all?"
"(David) Shh, Carrie! You’ve got to be more careful than that."
"(Hallie) Whatever do you mean?"
"(David) People must think we're David and Hallie. Maggie is their governess, not Daphne."
"(Hallie) I suppose you're right."
"(David) Besides, do we even need a governess any more? We must be pushing 140 years old by now."

"(David) The important thing is that people must believe that we're David and Hallie."
"(Hallie) Would anyone believe we were really Tad and Carrie?"
"(David) No, but they might think David and Hallie had suffered a mental breakdown if they heard us talking about our real lives."
"(Hallie) There's just so much to get used to. Our names. The language. I heard Hallie call something "Groovy" once, and I don't even know what that means!"
"(David) Well, you must learn what it means and learn to speak that way. You must also continue to wear those indecently short skirts that Hallie always wears."
"(Hallie) Yes, and you must learn to put your eyes back in your head when I do!"


"(Hallie) I shall never get used to these clothes. What there is of them, that is."
"(David) You think you've got it bad? Look at me! I'm stuck wearing an olive green cardigan with a plunging neckline! It makes me look like a... a poltroon!"
"(Hallie) Now Tad, didn't you just finish lecturing me about the correct use of 1970 English?"
"(David) What do you mean?"
"(Hallie) The correct term for what you look like is dork... Or geek... Or dweeb... Or Goofball... Or Jerk..."
"(David) Carrie!!"
"(Hallie) I'm just trying to give you a choice!"

"(David) We can work on the other stuff as we go along, but our names are the most important. You must always answer to the name of Hallie. And I to David."
"(Hallie) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
"(David) What's so funny?"
"(Hallie) The idea of calling you "David" all of the time. It doesn't fit you. You shall always be Tad to me."
"(David) Well, I never admitted this before, but I was never all that wild about the name "Tad". Whenever Pater got cross with me, he called me Thaddeus. Now, THAT really made me sound like a poltroon."
"(Hallie) Dweeb."
"(David) Whatever!"

"(David) Just remember to always use the correct names. And by that, I mean the incorrect names. Think of it as a secret game."
"(Hallie) If I must. But can't we call ourselves Tad and Carrie when we're alone?"
"(David) Perhaps, but we'd have to be REALLY careful not to be overheard. One mistake like that and it could be draperies."
"(Hallie) You mean curtains?"
"(David) That's it. Oh, this slang will be as difficult for me to master as it will for you."
"(Hallie) Well, perhaps you shant need to do as good a job mastering the slang as I shall. From what I hear, David isn't nearly as cool a kid as Hallie is."
"(David) Who told you that?"
"(Hallie) Hallie."

"(David) Well, never mind that. The important thing is we're both alive again, and we've got bodies exactly like our first ones!"
"(Hallie) You're right, of course! As long as I remember that, I don't think I shall ever be unhappy again!"
"(David) Nor I!"
"(Hallie) Oh, Tad! Auntie Em! Uncle Henry! It's great to be alive!!"
"(David) Um, no. Auntie Em and Uncle Henry didn't make it back. They're still dead."
"(Hallie) Oh, bugger!"


(Back at Collinwood)
"(Barnabas) It's no use, Julia. I searched the entire grounds, and there wasn't a trace of either one of them."
"(Julia) That doesn't mean they're not here, Barnabas. One man might not be able to find them if they're on the move."
"(Barnabas) You don't understand. Not only didn't I find them, I didn't find any signs of them, either. No graffiti, no mustaches on billboards, no TP'ed trees, nothing!"


"(Barnabas) I don't understand. How is it possible for two children to disappear so completely?"
"(Julia) You say you only searched the Collinwood grounds. Maybe they've been taken somewhere off the grounds."
"(Barnabas) Oh, but that doesn't make sense, Julia. Daphne and Gerard were a part of the life of Collinwood when they were alive. That means they have to stay here after they're dead."
"(Julia) Says who?"
"(Barnabas) Says... I don't know who, it's just one of those rules! Like rattling chains and saying "Boo"."
"(Julia) But I still think..."
"(Barnabas) Look, do you think there would be any ghosts at Collinwood at all if they could just as easily go to Tahiti?"
"(Julia) Well, I've got to admit, that does sound logical."

"(Barnabas) If we only knew what Gerard's exact function at Collinwood was, we might have some idea where he might have taken then."
"(Julia) I think I know exactly where he's taken them."
"(Barnabas) Really? Where?"
"(Julia) Rose Cottage."
"(Barnabas) Of course! Brilliant! But where is Rose Cottage?"
"(Julia) Well... I haven't figured that part out yet."
"(Barnabas) Julia, don't do this to me. I have Willie for this kind of thing."


(Meanwhile, Quentin searches The Old McGruder Place)
"(Quentin) David? Hallie?"
(no answer)
"(Quentin) There's no sign of them, but this must be Rose Cottage... No wonder Julia couldn't find this place. What kind of cottage has two stories and 40 rooms, fercryinoutloud?"
"(Bob Lloyd) The model was built before we had the name."
"(Quentin) Oh, is that it?"

(Quentin takes out Daphne's diagram again)
"(Quentin) This is definitely the same place. But does it have anything to do with David and Hallie?"
(looks around)
"(Quentin) It's a good place to know about either way. If this place isn't Spook Central, it might make a good place to sneak dates."

(Quentin blows out the candle and blows)

(Back at Collinwood, Julia is reading)
"(Julia) Hmm, I haven't heard of this sign before: "Capritarius:  You are genetically unique. Your body produces an enzyme that causes the flu virus to disintegrate on contact. That means at least six pharmaceutical companies are trying to capture you and boil you down to extract your enzymatic essence. So sorry."
(tosses it aside)
"(Julia) Sheesh, I don't know how anybody believes this junk!"


"(Barnabas) Never mind that. Have you learned anything about Rose Cottage?"
"(Julia) Not as such, no."
"(Barnabas) Perhaps you’re placing too much importance on it."
"(Julia) The destruction of a building doesn't happen every day, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) Perhaps you're right... Say, I have an idea. Suppose we sent a letter to Hallie and David in care of General Delivery? They could forward it to Rose Cottage, wherever that is, and we could follow them."
"(Julia) You expect the Post Office to know where Rose Cottage is?? They deliver half of our mail to The Addams Family as it is!"


(Carolyn enters)
"(Julia) Carolyn, how are you feeling?"
"(Carolyn) Quote well, thanky luv."
"(Barnabas) Are you sure? I mean, you don't usually have an accent."
"(Carolyn) I ain't got no accent! Crikey, luvs, it's you two what's suddenly got an accent!"

"(Barnabas) I'm sorry, we're just under stress."
"(Julia) You see, David and Hallie are missing."
"(Carolyn) Oh yes, I know."
(starts sniffing the flowers)
"(Barnabas) So, if you know where they are, you must tell us."
"(Carolyn) Oh, I don't want to think about them now. I'd rather.."
"(Julia) Rather what?"
"(Carolyn) I'd rather... just... SING! I wanna dance wif yooooooooooooooo..."
"(Barnabas) Hold it, hold it! You're not going into a song while I'm around!"


"(Julia) Carolyn, aren't you at all concerned about the children?"
"(Carolyn) Of course not! They'll be back. Wagging their tails behind them. Just like Little Bo Peep's sheep."
"(Barnabas) Oh, is that where that's from?"
"(Julia) Carolyn, do you know something about the children that you’re not telling us?"
"(Carolyn) Enjoy the respite. The children will be back soon enough."
"(Barnabas) But where are David and Hallie right now?"
"(Carolyn) They're gone. Gone forever."
"(Julia) But you just said the children will be back soon."
"(Carolyn) That's roight, oi did."
"(Barnabas) Oh dear, it sounds like another one of her riddles."
"(Julia) If she doesn't give us some straight answers, then who gave her a fat lip won't be a mystery at all."

"(Carolyn) Now, if you two ain't got no more questions, Oi'm knackered from this cross examination of yours. I'm going to the kitchen to rustle up some bangers and mash."
"(Barnabas) Very well, but I resent this, Carolyn! Remember that!"
"(Julia) Right, Barnabas is the last person who'd ever "cross" examine anyone!"

(Carolyn leaves)
"(Barnabas) Remind me a little, Julia. Is Carolyn a friend of ours or an enemy?"
"(Julia) What day is it?"
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"


(Julia takes Liz's Horoscope out of a drawer)
"(Barnabas) What are you doing?"
"(Julia) As long as Elizabeth has an overpriced horoscope, we might as well make some use of it."
"(Barnabas) How? It's her horoscope, not the children's."
"(Julia) Ah, listen to this. It says "The Night Will End in Peace"."
"(Barnabas) It sounds as though they aren't coming back tonight then. How peaceful would things be if they did?"
"(Julia) If we take advantage of their absence to go bust those Rock and Roll albums of theirs, Very!"


"(Barnabas) I'd be more convinced if it said something like "The Night Will End With David and Hallie Returning"."
"(Julia) Don't be silly, Barnabas. Horoscopes can never say anything that precisely. If they didn't talk in riddles, where would be the challenge in interpreting them?"
"(Barnabas) Well, there is that."
"(Julia) I still think that's what it must mean. What else could The Night Will End in Peace mean?"
"(Barnabas) Perhaps it means that the Disaster will actually happen tonight."
"(Julia) How do you figure that?"
. "(Barnabas) Well, perhaps it means The Night Will End in Pieces, and Sebastian is just a really poor speller."
"(Julia) Oh, be quiet!"

"(Barnabas) If you must rely on a horoscope, does it have to be one written by a man who we already know has lied to us? Why not a reputable astrologer, at least?"
"(Julia) I couldn't find one in the book."
"(Barnabas) Say! Do you suppose the children have found the Playroom?"
"(Julia) Why do you think that?"
"(Barnabas) Well, we've been unable to find it again ourselves. That could explain why they've disappeared so completely. If only we could figure why we can't find it even where we know it is."
"(Julia) With the supernatural, it could be anything. It could be something as simple as our not being dressed correctly."
"(Barnabas) Julia, even in my coffin, I wear a suit and tie 24/7! If the Playroom is one of those "No Shirt No Shoes No Service" places, I should have it made!"


"(Barnabas) The curious thing is that we were able to find the Playroom in 1999."
"(Julia) 1995."
"(Barnabas) Well, whatever. We found it in the future, but not now. That's my point. I'm going up there to check it again."
"(Julia) Barnabas, you've checked it a dozen times since we returned, and it's never been there for us."
"(Barnabas) Well, who knows? Perhaps #13 will turn out to be lucky."
"(Julia) Have it your own way. But you're the only man I know who could make a dozen trips to the Linen Closet without throwing in the towel."


(Later, hearing a noise, Julia goes out front to find that Quentin has returned)
"(Julia) Any luck?"
"(Quentin) Yes, but all bad. I even stood out front in a top hat, trying to draw their fire, but to no avail."
"(Julia) Quentin, a top hat only works when there's snow on the ground to make snowballs with."
"(Quentin) Not with David. The last time I wore a top hat, he shot it off with a rubber chicken."

"(Quentin) What's wrong? You're giving me a strange look."
"(Julia) You sure there isn't anything you'd like to confess?"
"(Quentin) Confess? Um, no. I don't think so."
"(Julia) Nothing about what really happened when Hallie got away from you?"
"(Quentin) I told you what really happened."
"(Julia) And you don't want to change that story?"
"(Quentin) Change it? Are you kidding? After all the time I spent thinking it up??"

"(Julia) All right, Quentin. I gave you your chance. I found this handkerchief on the ground in the Drawing Room."
"(Quentin) Well, it's not mine."
"(Julia) I know it's not yours. It belongs to Daphne. See the monogram? D.H. She must have been in the room when Hallie ran away. And you either let Hallie go, or were so busy trying to make time with Daphne that you didn't pay attention."
"(Quentin) That's ridiculous!... I mean, well first of all, D.H. does NOT stand for Daphne Harridge. For your information, it stands for... uh... David Hallie, and it belongs to the kids."
"(Julia) Quentin, are you trying to tell me that David and Hallie share a handkerchief?? That's too disgusting to even think about!"

"(Quentin) Julia, I've never seen this handkerchief before."
"(Julia) But you recognize the scent of lilac on it, don’t you?"
"(Quentin) Well, sort of."
"(Julia) Daphne was in the room and you saw her, didn’t you?"
"(Quentin) No, I did not!"
"(Julia) Uh huh. And what's this lipstick print on your collar? It's Strike-a-Pose Rose, I believe. Are you going to try to tell me that Hallie did that?"
"(Quentin) Well no, of course not. It's just that... well... you see..."
"(Julia) Yes?"
"(Quentin) Well look, I AM Quentin Collins, you know! Do you expect me to remember where every last lipstick stain comes from??"

"(Julia) I don't understand why you won't admit it. Even when caught red-handed... and red-collared, you deny it! Are you really willing to see the children to come to harm just to add another trophy to your long list of One True Loves?"
"(Quentin) Of course not! Julia, are you accusing me of deliberately endangering David and Hallie??"
"(Julia) No, I'm only accusing you of stupidly endangering them, and then rationalizing it after the fact as..."
"(Quentin) Yes? Yes?? Rationalizing it how?? How??"
"(Julia) Forget it. If you don't know, I'm not giving you any ideas!"

(In the Linen Closet, Barnabas finds that the Linen Closet is still a Linen Closet)
"(Barnabas) D'oh! That makes us 0 for 13 now!"
(grabs a Crying Towel)

"(Barnabas) (to himself) What I don't understand is how it's possible for there to have been a Playroom here in 1840... and again in 1995, but not now... Especially when there's no room for one, and the outside air is on the other side of that wall..." *
* Don't bother trying to work that out, we're NEVER going to explain that.


(Barnabas exits the Linen Closet and finds Carolyn out in the hallway)
"(Barnabas) What are you doing up here?"
"(Carolyn) I was just goings to ask you the same question, luv."
"(Barnabas) Well, I simply stopped by to take an inventory of our tea towels. What are you doing here?"
"(Carolyn) Nothing, I'm just on the way to my room."
"(Barnabas) But you don't live in the West Wing, Carolyn. You've always lived in the main section."
"(Carolyn) What are yer talkin' about? I've always lived in the West Wing... Don't you remember? When Horace Greely said "Go West, young man", I didn't want to be left out!"

"(Carolyn) I think the West Wing is the most enchanting part of the house, don't you?"
"(Barnabas) That's one word for it, Carolyn."
"(Carolyn) And why do you keep calling me Carolyn?"
"(Barnabas) Because it’s your name."
"(Carolyn) Of course it isn't. You know perfectly well me name is Leticia."
"(Barnabas) Oh, Leticia! Of course, how stupid of me. Could you tell me your last name? I'm afraid I've forgotten that too."
"(Carolyn) Mind like a sieve, that one! Me last name is Faye, as you know very well."
"(Barnabas) Really?... Say, do you happen to have a descendant named Pansy Faye?"
"(Carolyn) 'Ow do I know who me descendants are gonna be!?"
"(Barnabas) I'm sorry, how stupid of me again."
"(Carolyn) You know, you ain't very bright, luv? Bwa, ha, ha, ha, ha... (cackles insanely)."
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"


"(Barnabas) Erm, Leticia. You have psychic powers, as I recall."
"(Carolyn) That's roight, yer wanna make something out of it?"
"(Barnabas) Why no. I just wondered if you could tell me where the children are."
"(Carolyn) What an odd question. At this hour the children are in bed. Where else would they be?"
"(Barnabas) Indeed. Well, sorry to have troubled you."
"(Carolyn) Say, would yer mind takin' a powder, guvnor? As long as you're standing there, the Playroom ain't there for me neither."


(Downstairs, Quentin is still trying to do his part to rid the world of brandy)*
* At times like this, Quentin's portrait simply shows an empty spot, as his painted self is passed out on the floor.

"(Quentin) (to himself) Why can’t I understand my own behavior? What stopped me from telling Julia the truth? Oh, maybe Julia was right from the beginning. Maybe Daphne does have some sort of hold over me that I’m not even aware of."
"(Quentin) (to himself) On the other hand, what exactly am I holding back? What have I learned about Daphne that Barnabas and Julia would even want to know?... I'm sure they don't care about her measurements or her turn-ons."

(Quentin calls out)
"(Quentin) Daphne! Wherever you are, don’t let any harm come to those children! If you do, I’ll never forgive myself!"
"(Quentin) I mean it! I'll take poison!"
"(Quentin) Slow poison, that is."
(refills his glass)

(Upstairs, Barnabas enters David's room to find David asleep in bed)
(Musical Stinger!!)
"(Barnabas) Shh! Not so Loud!!"

(Downstairs, Quentin runs into Julia)
"(Quentin) Waaaah!!!"
"(Julia) Quentin? Quentin, are you still down here?"
"(Quentin) (clutching his heart) Just barely!"

"(Julia) Barnabas found the children."
"(Quentin) Alive?"
"(Julia) Of course alive! Do you think I'd be this calm if they weren't??"
"(Quentin) How calm?"
"(Julia) THIS CALM!!!.... (pause) D'oh!"

"(Quentin) All right, all right. Where did he find them?"
"(Julia) Carolyn said that David was asleep in bed. Barnabas went in there to prove her wrong and ended up proving her right. I checked Hallie's room and she was there too."
"(Quentin) But they both snuck out of the house."
"(Julia) Well, they snuck back in again too!"
"(Quentin) Maybe... Maybe they were never gone at all. Maybe we just imagined it all in some alcoholic stupor."
"(Julia) That would explain you, Quentin, but how about me and Barnabas?"
"(Quentin) Oh, yeah."

"(Quentin) Did you wake them up?"
"(Julia) Yes, Barnabas is questioning them both in David's room right now, to see where they went."
"(Quentin) I'm going up there!"
"(Julia) No, Quentin! No. Barnabas doesn’t want either of us to go up."
"(Quentin) Oh, I see. He thinks the children might get upset if it looks like we're ganging up on them."
"(Julia) Yeah, and also, he doesn't want there to be any witnesses."

(In David's Room)
"(Barnabas) So, tell me again why you two ran out."
"(David) Oh, we admit it was silly."
"(Hallie) We didn't want to leave Collinwood to stay with Uncle Elliot, so we ran away and hid."
"(Barnabas) And where did you hide?"
"(David) At Stokes' House... Oof! (takes an elbow in the ribs)"


"(Barnabas) So, why did we find you back in your beds?"
"(Hallie) We felt silly."
"(David) We knew we'd overreacted and scared people for no reason."
"(Hallie) So, we decided to come back and face the music."
"(Barnabas) So, now you realize it was wrong to run away?"
"(Both, in Unison) Yes, Cousin Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) All right, you two. When you speak in Perfect Harmony, I know you're up to something."

"(Barnabas) Did you two really leave the house of your own volition?"
"(Hallie) That depends."
"(Barnabas) On what?"
"(David) On what volition means."
"(Barnabas) It means of your own free will."
"(Hallie) Well, of course. Who could have made us leave?"
"(Barnabas) Gerard and Daphne, perhaps?"
"(Hallie) Gerard and Daphne? Well, I don’t believe we’ve ever heard those names before. Do you recognize them, Tad?"
"(Barnabas) Ah ha! Why did you call him Tad?"
"(David) She said A tad. Yes, I do recognize them just a tad."
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"


"(Barnabas) Gerard and Daphne are the spirits of two people who lived her at Collinwood a long time ago."
"(Hallie) What did they do here?"
"(Barnabas) Well, we're not entirely sure of that. Daphne was a governess, and Gerard... sneered a lot."
"(David) Oh yes, Dr. Hoffman mentioned them once. But we don't know anything about them."
"(Barnabas) What did you hear about about them?"
"(David) That... they were very bad... and had bad intentions."
"(Hallie) And that they'd destroy Collinwood if we didn't do our homework."
"(Barnabas) Julia said that!?"
"(David) No, Maggie did."


"(Hallie) It was all that talk of spirits that encouraged us to leave in the first place."
"(David) Yes, you know how chicken Hallie is."
"(Hallie) And you know how lily-livered David is."
"(David) Everyone else is jaded about ghosts, but they freak us out."
"(Barnabas) I thought that you thought ghosts were "cool", David."
"(David) Oh, that was just when I was a kid."
"(Hallie) Now he's into the Beatles."


"(David) We're sorry we put a fright into everyone."
"(Hallie) But as you can see, we're all right."
"(Barnabas) Perhaps. There's just one other question. Where did you two hide when you left here?"
"(David) In the Conservatory."
"(Barnabas) The Conservatory?"
"(Hallie) Behind the sunlamp."
"(Barnabas) Oh, well no wonder I couldn't find you!"

(Carolyn enters)
"(Carolyn) I thought I heard voices. Didn’t I tell you the children were well? Maybe you'll listen to me next time."
"(Barnabas) Yes, you did say that. I'm relieved, though surprised that you were right."
"(Carolyn) Well, it's time for these two to be back in bed. Time enough for questions in the morning."
"(Barnabas) There are really a few more things I must ask now."
"(Carolyn) All right, but first let me sing my song for David and Hallie. o/I wanna dance wif yooooooo! Wanna dance your cares awayyyyyy/o..."
"(Barnabas) On second thought, let's pick this up tomorrow."


(Barnabas makes his excuses and leaves)
"(Carolyn's Voice) Good night, Tad. Good night, Carrie."
(As Barnabas stops short, the animator superimposes a Goat Head over his own)

(Barnabas rushes back into David's Room)
"(Barnabas) You’re possessed! You’re both possessed!"
"(Hallie) Good one, Leticia."
"(Carolyn) Sorry about that, luvs."
(fade to black)

"(Bob Lloyd) Well, THAT secret certainly didn't last long!"


"(Dan Curtis) Ken's going to come by and tell you a joke I gave him later "(Bob Lloyd) But he mangles every joke!"
"(Dan Curtis) Yeah I know, but this could be a confidence booster for him. So, when he tells it, please try to laugh."
"(Bob Lloyd) What's the joke?"
"(Dan Curtis) Johnny's mother said "Goodness Johnny, if you eat any more pie, you'll explode". So Johnny said "Okay, pass the pie, and stand back"."
"(Bob Lloyd) You want me to laugh at that??"
"(Dan Curtis) That's right."
"(Bob Lloyd) I'd better start practicing now..."


"(Hallie) Hey, that credit's not right! I'm not David, I'm Tad!"
"(Bob Lloyd) Go on! There's no Tad Henesy on this show!"

"(Hallie) Hey, that credit's not right! I'm not Hallie, I'm Carrie!"
"(Dan Curtis) All right, let's make this simple. From now on, Tad in David's body will be referred to as "Tavid", and Carrie in Hallie's body will be referred to as "Callie"."
"(Bob Lloyd) That's making it simple?"
"(Dan Curtis) It's either that or Dad and Harrie."
"(Bob Lloyd) I'll take it."

"Little Buddy!"


"(Ken McEwen) Hey, I've got a joke for you. This'll murder ya."
"(Bob Lloyd) Yeah?"
"(Ken McEwen) What eats pie, says "Stand back", and explodes?"
"(Bob Lloyd) I give up."
"(Ken McEwen) Johnny! Ya get it! Ha, ha, ha, ha!"
"(Bob Lloyd) ????"

          Episode 1097:   At Rose Cottage, David and Hallie have been fully possessed by Tad and Carrie.