Daphne Tries On Her First 20th Century Dress!
"Okay, where's the rest of it??"

Daphne Suddenly Realizes She Hasn't Eaten Since 1840!

The Collinsport Quartet Does Can't You Hear Me Callin', Caroline?!

Today on Dark Shadows...

Maggie Has to Deal With Wolves as Well as Bats!
"Hey, how 'bout a little sugar for Old Willie Loomis, huh?"

Barnabas and Julia Try to Guard Maggie!
"Suppose the vampire comes down the chimney and attacks her again? How will we explain it?"
"We'll just say that she came down with the flue."

The Collinsport Players Do Bride of Frankenstein!

Episode 1100

Starring Kathy Cody, David Henesy, James Storm, Kate Jackson, Kathryn Leigh Scott, John Karlen
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Maggie Haskell..."
"(Dan Curtis) Um no, Maggie Evans. You never did marry Joe, remember?"
"(Maggie) Oh, that's right. I was confusing us with Carolyn and Jeb."

"My name is Maggie Evans. Another night of terror on the great estate of Collinwood. For two possessed children, at the bidding of an evil ghost, have performed a ceremony that has brought their dead governess back to life..."
(long pause)
"(Maggie) Yep. That's what it says. I didn't imagine it."


(In David's Room, David, Hallie and Daphne are standing in the middle of a pentagram, engaged in a weird ceremony)
"(Daphne) Feel the earth turning through eternal space..."
"(David) Let it turn itself now toward the stars that guide the destinies of us all..."
"(Hallie) Let the light… Uh... From the star… Uh..."
"(David) Hurry it up, willya."
"(Hallie) Sorry, I can't make up rubbish as quickly as you two can!"

"(Daphne) The star that guides the destiny of Gerard Stiles must touch the flame we have lighted in his name. The light of the star must touch the light of the candle."
"(Hallie) But the curtains are drawn!"
"(David) Shh! It's magic, it doesn't have to make sense!"

"(Daphne) Light touch flame. Flame touch light. Only then may Gerard's spirit live and breathe again!"
(As the electronic music whips up, Hallie, David and Daphne are bathed in special effects)
"(David) Something weird is happening."
"(Daphne) I think it's working."
"(Hallie) It feels like we're beaming up!"

"(Dan Curtis) I'm going to have a talk with that bookkeeper."
"(Bob Lloyd) What about?"
"(Dan Curtis) Did we actually pay David Henesy to cuddle up with Kate Jackson and Kathy Cody for a scene?? He should have paid us!"


(One commercial later)
"(David) Where is Gerard? Should we go down and meet him?"
"(Hallie) He’ll be angry if we don’t!"
"(Daphne) It didn't work. We have to do the ceremony again."
"(Hallie) Again?"
"(Daphne) It might take a couple of tries to get it right. Coming back from the dead isn't like going to the market. It might take a lot of work to help Gerard get all the way up here."
"(David) Up here?"
"(Daphne) I meant down here, of course."

"(Daphne) One more time. We must help Gerard cross that barrier that is higher than any mountain and wider than any ocean. The way is not as easy for him as it was for me."
"(Hallie) Why not?"
"(Daphne) My path was paved with Love. Your love."
"(Hallie) Awwwww..."
"(David) That is just so... sickening!"
"(Hallie) TAD!!"

"(Daphne) Oh well, let's start again. Oh, light of the flame, that flamiest flame that reaches down from the heavens."
"(David) Psst. I don't remember the words I used before!"
"(Hallie) Make up anything, just make sure it rhymes!"
"(Daphne) Let the light of the flame that guides the destiny of Gerard Stiles..."
"(Hallie) The star, not the flame."
"(Daphne) Oh, like it matters."

"(Daphne) Those stars that have twinkled bright since the Dawn of Man. Star light, star bright, first..."
(knock, knock, knock)
"(Willie's Voice) Hey, what's goin' on in there?? You're making enough noise in there to wake the dead!"
"(David) That's the idea."
"(Hallie) TAD!!"

"(Willie) I'm waiting! Open up in there!"
"(David) Quick, Daphne. You hide. Carrie, help me rub out this pentagram."
"(Willie) Open this door and let me in!"
"(David) Not by the hair of my chinny chin chin!... (Hurry up, and erase that pentagram!)"
"(Hallie) Well, what was the big deal, drawing it in permanent marker!!"
"(David) D'oh!"

"(Willie) Open that door, or I'm gonna call your Aunt Elizabeth right now!"
"(Hallie) Big deal, she's on our side!"
"(David) Carrie, shh!"
(As Daphne hides, David opens the door)
"(Willie) All right, what's this?"
"(David) What's what?"
"(Willie) That thingy on the floor."
"(David) Well... Hallie's birthday is coming up. We're having a Sweet 16 party for her."
"(Willie) Yeah? Looks more like a Sweet 666 party to me!"


"(Willie) What'd I tell ya about no more Black Magic ceremonies in this house??"
"(David) Black Magic? That's ridiculous. Would you ever participate in a thing like that, Hallie?"
"(Hallie) Goodness no, David. I collect Care Bears! Does that sound like someone who'd engage in Black Magic?"
"(Willie) And ya can knock off the act. Quentin already told me you wuz possessed."
"(David) Quentin is drunk!"
"(Willie) That's irrelevant!"
"(Hallie) You're crazi!"
"(Willie) That's irrelevant too!"

"(David) And this isn't Black Magic!... Medium Grey Magic, maybe, but..."
"(Willie) Don't gimme that, that's a Pente Gram. I seen them before."
"(David) And it's not a Pente Gram, it's a pentagram."
"(Willie) I said I know what they are, I didn't say I know how to spell it!"


"(Willie) You two got Diabolos *in ya, that's for sure. Now you tell me what you two are up to, ya hear??"
"(David) I'm afraid he's got us, Carrie. He knows who we are."
"(Hallie) Yes, I'm afraid he does, Tad."
"(Willie) Ah ha! So ya admit it! Old Willie Loomis ain't as dumb as he looks, then!"
"(Hallie) That's right. You win."
"(David) You know who we are."
"(Willie) I win! Ha ha! Old Willie Loomis never won before!"
"(Hallie) Now, what are you going to do about it?"
"(Willie) D'oh!"
* Dark Shadows' cut-rate generic version of The Devil.

"(David) The man is quite mad. Wouldn’t you say so… Carrie?"
"(Hallie) Indubitably, Tad. He's likely to be carted off to The Daisy Hill Funny Farm if he continues this way."
"(David) Now you cut this stuff, ya hear, and you level with me about what's goin' on here!"
"(Hallie) What curious expressions he uses. Honestly, Tad. Could you ever level with anyone?"
"(David) I don’t believe I’d know how to level with anyone."
"(Willie) Ya can say that again!"
"(Hallie) Um Tad, I think you just zinged us!"

"(Willie) Well, if you won’t tell me, I know who you will tell!"
"(David) Where are you taking us?"
"(Willie) To Barnabas!"
"(David) And what if we don’t decide to go with you?"
"(Willie) I ain't givin' ya a choice!"
"(David) What makes you think that you have the right?"
"(Willie) You two are possessed, ain't ya?"
"(David) So?"
"(Willie) Well, possession is 9/10 of the law! Now, git!"
"(David) D'oh!"

(After they leave, Daphne comes out of hiding)
"(Daphne) Oh no, we didn't have time to repeat the ceremony! Where is Gerard now? Is he alive, or is he dead? Or is he in some halfway state, like Zsa Zsa Gabor?"


(Downstairs, Willie is giving the kids the Third Degree)
"(Willie) All right, if you kids ain't possessed, who's the President of the United States?"
"(David and Hallie) Johnson!"
"(Willie) Johnson?"
"(David) Lyndon."
"(Hallie) (simultaneously) Andrew!"
"(David) Well? Did we get it right, Mr. Loomis?"
"(Willie) I dunno. Let me see if there's a newspaper or somethin' lyin' around here."

"(David) Why don't you go find your friend, Barnabas?"
"(Willie) You just sit there and look cute!"
"(David) Look cute?"
"(Hallie) I think he means me. Mr. Loomis, can't we go to bed and talk about this tomorrow?"
"(Willie) Ho ho! You'd like that, wouldn't you? You'd really, really like that, wouldn't you?"
"(Hallie) Well... Yeah! We would."
"(Willie) Wait a minute. Fer a second I thought I had ya there."

"(Dogs) Woof, woof, woof, wooooooowwww!"
"(Willie) Hang on a minute. I gotta check on somethin'."
"(David) Say hi to your relatives for us."
"(Willie) D'oh!"

(Out in the Foyer, Maggie is on the stairs, in full Vampire-Slave Mode)
"(Maggie) Coming, Mastah!"

(Willie comes out rushing to her aid)
"(Willie) Maggie!"
"(Maggie) I must go! They're calling me!"
(Maggie tries to leave the house)
"(Willie) Hey, what are ya doin'? You're not supposed to be outta bed! Now, you just come and let Old Willie Loomis get ya back upstairs, ya hear?"
"(Maggie) Willie, I may be in a trance, but if that hand moves up even an inch, you're a dead man."


(In the Drawing Room)
"(Hallie) What's happening?"
"(David) Sounds like he's taking her back upstairs."
"(Hallie) Tad? Does that man look a lot like Desmond Collins, from our time, to you?"
"(David) Who? You mean Old Willie Loomis?"
"(Hallie) Now, don't you start!"

"(Dogs) Woof, woof, woof, wooooooowwww!"
"(Hallie) What do you suppose is wrong with Miss Evans? Who is "calling" her?"
"(David) I'm not sure. But I think I remember dogs calling like that in our time."
"(Hallie) The dogs are calling her?"
"(David) No, but the dogs are upset by whatever it is that is calling her. Listen! Don't you remember people in our time hunched over like Miss Evans was, and wandering around in a daze?"
"(Hallie) Yes, but it was the 19th century. I just assumed it was due to scurvy and rickets."

"(Hallie) So you don't think that Gerard is responsible for Miss Evans?"
"(David) No. No, I don't think so. He's got you and me and Daphne to kick around. Why would he pick on Miss Evans, one of the few people here who doesn't look like anybody from our time?"
"(Hallie) But if Gerard didn't do it, who did?"
"(David) Who knows? This place has ALWAYS been a hotbed of supernatural activity. One thing's for sure. Gerard is going to be mad somebody else is working his side of the street."

"(David) When Mr. Loomis comes back, not a word about Gerard."
"(Hallie) Cross my heart, and hope to... drink castor oil."
"(David) Do you suppose Daphne is still in my room?"
"(Hallie) Where else could she be?"
"(David) We've also got to do the ceremony again."
"(Hallie) And bring Gerard back?"
"(David) Of course."
"(Hallie) What would happen if we didn't?"
"(David) Oh, that's simple. See that bug on the floor?"
"(Hallie) Yes."
"(David) That!"

"(Hallie) Tad! I feel a presence in the room!"
"(David) Gerard!"
"(Hallie) He's going to be angry at us!!"
"(David) Gerard? Gerard, if that's you, it wasn't our fault! We performed the ceremony! We tried to bring you back. It was that Mr. Loomis who screwed it up, not us!"
"(Hallie) Wait a minute. What if it's not Gerard? What if it's somebody else in the Spirit Realm?"
"(David) Um, whoever you are, could you deliver a message for us?"

(Gerard appears on the far end of the room)
"(David) Heh, heh. Hi, Gerard!... Are you still dead?... I guess that's a stupid question."
(Gerard advances on them menacingly)
"(David) Are you going to hurt us?"
"(Hallie) Um Tad, that's another stupid question."


(Daphne enters)
"(David) Ah! Saved by the belle!"
"(Hallie) Oh Tad, that was horrible!"

(the kids run to Daphne for protection)
"(Daphne) What were you going to do, Gerard?"
"(David) He wants us to perform the ceremony again tonight!"
"(Daphne) Now you know we can't do that, Gerard. The stars are out of position now."
"(Hallie) And I suppose he's going to blame us for that, too! What does he want us to do? Whack the galaxy up the side??"


"(Daphne) We can always do the ceremony again tomorrow! Maybe once you're alive, Gerard, you’ll forget how important punishing people has become to you."
"(Hallie) I wouldn't count on it."
"(David) And we can't use my room again. They'll be watching us too carefully."
"(Daphne) I mean it, Gerard! Having to wait one more night isn't going to kill you!"
"(Hallie) Um, poor choice of words there, Daphne."


(Gerard disappears)
"(Daphne) Well, thank goodness for that."
"(Hallie) We've got to get you out of here too, before Mr. Loomis comes back."
"(David) The Playroom."
"(Hallie) No, not the Playroom. If Barnabas and Julia keep watch on it, she wouldn't be able to get out and we wouldn't be able to get in unseen."
"(Daphne) All right, but we'll find a time and place to bring Gerard back. You'll see."
"(Hallie and David) Yippee."
"(Daphne) That's the spirit!" *
* Pun intended.


"(Daphne) Rose Cottage. That's where I'll hide. I can get in and out unseen. Meet me there tonight."
"(Hallie) Oh what fun! Your own place! We can throw you a little housewarming party."
"(Daphne) Fine, just don't invite Quentin."
"(Hallie) Quentin?"
"(Daphne) Yes, I don't want him knowing where I am."
"(David) But if we don't invite Quentin to your party, who will jump out of the cake?"

(Meanwhile upstairs, Maggie has that "Oh no, there's a Charlie's Angel in the house, and here I am looking like I've been lying in bed for the last two weeks" look on her face)


"(Dogs) Woof, woof, woof, wooooooowwww!"
"(Maggie) But they're calling me! I've got to go!"
"(Willie) You don't gotta go just cause a couple of dumb dogs are callin' ya!"
"(Maggie) Yes I do. You don't understand. I can think of nothing else!"
"(Willie) Look, I'll tell ya what to do. Any time you feel afraid of 'em, just imagine those dogs in their underwear."
"(Maggie) Willie, that's not for dogs. That's what you do when you're afraid of making a speech."
"(Willie) Oh yeah."


"(Maggie) Why are you trying to stop me, Willie? I thought we were friends."
"(Willie) We are, and I know what'll happen to you if you go out there."
"(Maggie) You couldn't possibly know."
"(Willie) It'll be dawn soon. Everything'll be okay then."
"(Maggie) I am not waiting for dawn, Willie. I'm leaving this room and this house, and there's only one way you can stop me."
(Willie grabs Maggie and pins her arms behind her)
"(Maggie) That's the way."


(Next morning, Maggie is in bed)
"(Maggie) I should have known it was bad news when I took a job that only had 4 Sick Days a year, but 54 Blood Loss Days."

(David and Hallie burst in)
"(David) Maggie, we've got to talk to... Eeew, you look terrible."
"(Hallie) David! Don't say that to her!"
"(David) I'm sorry... I just mean... er, that you don't feel as bad you look. I mean..."
"(Maggie) Never mind, I'll take that one. It sounds like the next try will be even worse."

"(Maggie) You look like something is wrong."
"(David) Maggie, You’ve got to help us!"
"(Hallie) You’re the only one who can!"
"(David) They're coming to take us away!"
"(Hallie) Ha, ha!"
"(David) D'oh!"

"(Maggie) Kids, what are you talking about?"
"(David) Dr. Hoffman and Barnabas want to take us away from Collinwood."
"(Hallie) To a place called Windcliff."
"(David) No, no. It's Wyndcliffe."
"(Hallie) You're right. Windcyliffe."
"(David) No, not Windclyffe! Wyndcliffe!"
"(Hallie) What kind of place is Windcliffe, anyway?"
"(Maggie) It's a mental institution."
"(Hallie) Hmph. I wonder how many people got sent there after trying to pronounce the name?"

"(Maggie) You should know about Wyndclyffe, David. You visited me when I was there a few years back."
"(David) Oh yeah."
"(Hallie) Well, I've never heard of it... have I?"
"(Maggie) Windclyff is a M*A*P*S unit."
"(Hallie) M*A*P*S?"
"(Maggie) A Mobile Army Psychiatric Hospital. It moves around the state of Maine, but is currently located between Millinocket and Danforth. Julia Hoffman is its director, but has been on Sabbatical since 1967."
"(David) You sure know a lot about it."
"(Maggie) Yeah, well remember I was a patient there once, and still get their brochures in the mail. It seems they depend heavily on repeat business."

(Maggie jumps up and throws on a robe)
"(Maggie) I've got to find out about this. There's no reason for you two to go to Wyndclyff."
"(Hallie) Carolyn tried to talk them out of sending us, but they wouldn't listen to her."
"(Maggie) Well, maybe they're just sending you on a field trip."
"(David) But we can't go today, of all days!"
"(Maggie) Why? What's so special about today?"
"(Hallie) We need to bring a man back from the dead later today!"
"(David) Can you help?"
(long pause)
"(Maggie) Certainly. I'll pack you both lunches for the trip to Windclyff."

(Willie enters)
"(Willie) Hey! What're you two kids botherin' Maggie for?"
"(Maggie) It's okay, they’re not bothering me, Willie."
"(Willie) Well, Julia and Quentin want to see 'em down in the Drawing Room! Get going, you two."
"(David) Hey! You have no right to boss us around!"
"(Willie) Get goin' or I'll knock your heads together one by one!"
"(Hallie) Wait a minute, how can you knock heads together one at a time?"
"(David) Careful, Carrie. He just might know a way to do it."


(David and Hallie leave)
"(Maggie) Willie? What is up in this house?"
"(Willie) YOU are! You're supposed to be in bed!"
"(Maggie) I can't be in bed now. Something is wrong with the children, and I don't know what!"
"(Willie) Well, I hate to be the one to tell you this, but I guess you need to know. Maggie, them kids is possessed."
"(Maggie) Oh, is that all? I thought it was something contagious."

(In David's Room)
"(David) Look! David's suitcase is packed."
"(Hallie) And I'll bet if I go to Hallie's room, her suitcase will be packed too."
"(David) We can't go tonight! We have to meet Daphne. We'll have to sneak out of the house."
"(Hallie) How can we get out?"
"(David) We'll sneak out the front door."
"(Hallie) Oh, couldn't we go down a ladder?"
"(David) Why a ladder?"
"(Hallie) I want to pretend like we're eloping."
"(David) D'oh!"


(Back in Maggie's Room)
"(Maggie) Possessed?? Oh, it's my fault! It's all my fault!"
"(Willie) Oh Maggie, that ain't so."
"(Maggie) It is! David has become Tad and Hallie is become Carrie! If only I hadn't been laid up in bed..."
"(Willie) You couldn't have stopped it, Maggie."
"(Maggie) I could!"
"(Willie) When Jamison was possessin' David, you couldn't stop that. When Nora was possessin' Amy, you couldn't stop that either. You just stood by helplessly while it happened."
"(Maggie) Willie, has anyone ever told you that you're a comfort?"
"(Willie) No."
"(Maggie) I didn't think so."

(In the Foyer)
"(David) Well, don't mind us. We're just heading out to the General Store for a bit."
"(Hallie) Psst, Tad! They probably don't still have General Stores in 1970."
"(David) Sorry, I meant Malt Shoppe!"

"(Willie's Voice) Hey, you kids! Where ya goin'??"
"(David) Uh oh, it's that Mr. Loomis! As they say in our time, let's 23-Skiddoo!" *
* B.S. Alert: That phrase doesn't go back NEARLY as far as 1840.

(At Rose Cottage, Daphne wanders around in 20th century Mufti)
"(Daphne) Amazing. I've only been wearing this Victoria Winters person's dress for a half hour, and I've already said "I don't understand" six times." *
* B.S. Alert: Vicki never wore this dress. Too bad, because it's actually quite fetching.

"(Daphne) (to herself) Ah, I'd forgotten what it's like to be alive! A feeling of hope! A feeling of love! A feeling... Ouch! Cramp in my leg! I could have done without that one."

(Daphne spots Quentin's publicity picture)
"(Daphne) (to herself) Oh, Quentin! Can there be any hope for this love of ours? Or must we… be forever apart? What can stop this aching? This aching in my heart?"
"(Daphne) (to herself) All of a sudden I'm writing Country Western music."

(Daphne feels the cold, clammy, sinister, icy hand of death on her shoulder)
"(Daphne) Oh! Hi, Gerard!... Are you still dead?.... I guess that's a stupid question."


"(Daphne) You mustn’t be angry! We did the ceremony to bring you back to life. And we were going to do it again until that Willie Loomis interfered! Don't worry, we'll do it again!"
(Sneeringly, Gerard picks up Quentin's photo)
"(Daphne) No, no! It had nothing to do with him. It was Willie! Willie, I tell you."
(Gerard wipes a red smudge off the photo)
"(Daphne) That's not mine! I promise you! I don't even wear Strike-a-Pose Rose lipstick!" *
* B.S. Alert #3! Since these captions have begun, EVERY woman has worn Strike-a-Pose Rose. It's a rule.

(Gerard smashes the photo, and grabs Daphne by the neck)
"(Daphne) Gerard, no! I loved you when we first met, remember? And you loved me? Remember? In fact, I think it's about time we sat down and had a good, long talk about our relationship and where it's going."
(Gerard disappears)
"(Daphne) Works every time..."


(Daphne starts to have second thoughts)
"(Daphne) I'm starting to have second thoughts. * It's suddenly occurred to me that Gerard isn't really that nice a guy. Maybe bringing him back to life isn't such a shrewd move after all... On the other hand, he might be more dangerous dead than alive. Decisions, Decisions..."
* Redundancy Alert!

(Hallie and David burst in)
"(David) Miss Daphne!"
"(Hallie) Emergency!"
"(David) They're coming to take us away!"
"(Hallie) Ha, ha!"
"(David) Will you QUIT saying that???"

"(Daphne) Kids, calm down. What's going on?"
"(David) Barnabas and Doctor Hoffman want to send us away from Collinwood."
"(Hallie) To a place called Wyndcliff!"
"(David) Before nightfall, before we could do the ceremony to bring Gerard back!"
"(Daphne) Kids, you must go. For now."
"(Hallie) But what about Gerard? He's still dead!"
"(Daphne) Well, so?? It's not like he's getting any worse, you know!"

"(Daphne) Run back to Collinwood. Do whatever the adults tell you to. We'll meet when you get back."
"(David) Gulp. Whatever you say."
"(Hallie) It's your (second) funeral."
"(David) Goodbye, Daphne."
"(Hallie) Shouldn't we say "Till we meet again"?"
"(David) No, I think Goodbye covers it."

(David and Hallie leave)
"(Daphne) Gerard? Gerard, are you here? Gerard? I sent them away because without it'll get Barnabas and Julia off our backs! We can do the ceremony again without them!"
"(Daphne) (to herself) I wonder if he's buying this? I wish I could have practiced this speech in front of a mirror first."


(In the Playroom, Gerard walks over to the model Rose Cottage with a lit candle and sticks it into the room representing the room where Daphne is currently located) *
* Just be thankful he didn't decide to burn the candle at both ends!

(Meanwhile at Rose Cottage, the room Daphne is in suddenly catches ablaze)
"(Daphne) Yaah!!... I know Carrie said she wanted to throw me a housewarming party, but this is ridiculous!"



(To add insult to injury, Gerard gives Daphne the finger!)

(Back at Rose Cottage, Daphne tries to escape the fire, but can't get out)
"(Daphne) If I didn't know better, I'd swear someone was holding this door closed with a finger!"
(fade to black)


"(Bob Lloyd) Shouldn't that say "Old" Willie Loomis?"


"(Carrie) Would you believe when I took this role, my agent told me it was a Steven King movie?"

"(Ken McEwen) You know, it just struck me. This is the first time we've ever had a fire scene without that nutty Caretaker popping out and saying..."
"(Caretaker) Laura Murdoch Stockbridge, died by fire!"
"(Ken McEwen) Never mind."

"(Bob Lloyd) Accept no substitutions. The correct spelling is, and always shall be Wyndcliffe."

          Episode 1100:   Gerard sets fire to Rose Cottage with Daphne inside after she says she won't help bring him back to life.