Roxanne Coulda Hadda V-8!

Maggie Becomes a Gothic Fashion Model!

Barnabas and Julia Have a Bad Case of Deja Vu!
"Isn't this the way the story started?"

Today on Dark Shadows...

Mrs. Johnson Tastes Her Own Cooking!

Barnabas Does a Web Search!

Maggie Sleeps Her Way to the Top!
"This is over-rated, if you ask me."

Episode 1104

Starring Grayson Hall, Jonathan Frid, James Storm, Kathryn Leigh Scott, Donna Wandrey, Clarice Blackburn
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom

"My name is Mrs. Sarah Johnson. The Great House at Collinwood in the present time. But in this time, the fate of all who live here hinges on certain events that occurred in the past, in the year 1840. Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman have been trying to avert the tragedy they know is destined to befall Collinwood, but they have made little progress, and they have been hampered by the unexpected events occurring in the present. Next slide, please."
"(2nd Voice) Girls, I'd like to vote Sarah Johnson as the most interesting story teller at our Bridge Club."
"(Chorus of Voices) Hear, hear!"

"(Mrs. J) This is Julia Hoffman, who lives at Collinwood. Would you believe that the other day she had the nerve to call me a snoop??"
"(Chorus of Voices) Booo, hiss!!"

"(Mrs. J) Next slide, please."
"(Mrs. J) Currently, the main concern at Collinwood revolves around Maggie Evans, who has become the victim of a vampire, and whose life is now in constant danger!"
"(2nd Voice) Ooooh!"
"(3rd Voice) Aaaah!"
"(4th Voice) I wish that Barnabas would bite me!"


(In Maggie's Room, Barnabas checks on Maggie)
"(Barnabas) Is there anything I can get you, Maggie? Coffee? Tea? More Plasma?"
"(Maggie) Barnabas, how come the blood bottles you bring me are always half empty?"
"(Barnabas) Er... some of the contents may have settled during shipping."

"(Julia) Barnabas, we've got to talk right now!"
"(Barnabas) What's happened?"
"(Julia) I hypnotized Daphne to find out when the final two events will happen!"
"(Barnabas) How would Daphne know what's going to happen in the future?"
"(Julia) I don't know! The writers screwed up. Just be glad they screwed up in our favor for once!"

"(Barnabas) All right, when is The Murder?"
"(Julia) Uh... well, I didn't find that out. But I did find out Who: Daphne herself! And I also found out that The Destruction of Rose Cottage happens tonight!"
"(Barnabas) You say you hypnotized Daphne?"
"(Julia) A few minutes ago."
"(Barnabas) Could you put her under again?"
"(Julia) If I had to. Why?"
"(Barnabas) Any possibility that you could give her a teensy weensy post-hypnotic suggestion to make her think that she's Josette Collins?"
"(Julia) Don't you ever give it a rest, Barnabas??"



"(Barnabas) Was Daphne sure it will be tonight?"
"(Julia) She seemed sure."
"(Barnabas) Are you sure the hypnosis worked?"
"(Julia) Pretty sure. She was still quacking like a duck when I left her."

"(Barnabas) So, Gerard will destroy Rose Cottage tonight?"
"(Julia) She didn't mention his name, but who else could it be?"
"(Barnabas) The problem is nobody has seen Gerard! Or have they? Wait right here."
"(Julia) What are you going to do?"
"(Barnabas) Remember that VHS Tape we brought back from 1995, in which we caught Gerard on camera? I'm going to show it to people and see if anybody recognizes him."
"(Julia) What are you going to play it on?"
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"



(Barnabas leaves)
"(Maggie) Julia? Julia? How long have you been here? Where’s Barnabas?"
"(Julia) He uh, had to go. How are you feeling?"
"(Maggie) A little better, I guess. I had a dream about the children, those two lovable scamps."
"(Julia) Is this the Devil Tots we're discussing??"
"(Maggie) I woke up feeling that something terrible had happened to them, and couldn't get back to sleep. The sheer uncertainty of not knowing if it was True or not was driving me mad."
"(Julia) It is true. They've both been possessed."
"(Maggie) What a relief! Wait a minute..."

"(Julia) Don't you remember? David and Hallie are at Wyndcliffe for their... 40,000 mile check."
"(Maggie) Oh, that's right. But what was that you and Barnabas were talking about earlier?"
"(Julia) When?"
"(Maggie) You know, all that bit about Gerard and Daphne and Tad and Carrie. Who are all those people?"
"(Julia) Oh dear, I was afraid of this. Watch the swinging medallion, Maggie. Try to find the center of the light..."

(Meanwhile at Sebastian's Pad)
"(Roxanne) Hello, Hexworld. What? Yes, of course we're an occult shop! What did you think we were? A wargaming club?"

"(Roxanne) Hello, Hexworld. Do we do readings over the phone? Certainly, sir."
(picks up a book and starts flipping pages)
"(Roxanne) Let's see, Scorpio: A powerful spiritual epiphany is about to carry you into the realms of ecstasy that only the prophets and shamans have previously known. You will be carried into the third, fourth, seventh and 228th heavens, witnessing marvels that Daniel and Isaiah only hinted at. When you finally regain consciousness of your surroundings, you will be lying naked on the grass next to the Gateway Arch in St. Louis. You will be promptly arrested and nobody in the "Show Me" state will believe your story. That'll be $50, please."

"(Roxanne) Have we got bees in here, or something?"
"(Roxanne) Oh, the door. What I wouldn't give for a regular doorbell."

(Roxanne answers the door buzzer)
"(Roxanne) Mr. Collins!"
"(Barnabas) Good evening, Roxanne."
"(Roxanne) Mr. Collins, what do you want?"
(long pause)
"(Barnabas) Well, never mind that now, but let's just say I'll settle for Sebastian."

"(Roxanne) Sebastian? Well, he's not in."
"(Barnabas) Are you sure? He's always assured me that he was extremely "In"."
"(Roxanne) No, no, when I say he's not In, I don't mean that he's not with it. I mean that he's not in... Even though he's In.... Do you understand?"
"(Barnabas) Hold on just a moment."
(Barnabas consults a Hipster to English Dictionary)


"(Barnabas) Oh! When you say he's not "in", you mean he's not at home!"
"(Roxanne) Yes!..."
(consults a Hipster to Foppish Dictionary)
"(Roxanne) Precisely, old Bean? Eh wot? Pip, Pip, Tallyho, and all that sort of rot!"


"(Barnabas) Do you know when he’ll be back?"
"(Roxanne) Who?"
"(Barnabas) Sebastian."
"(Roxanne) Oh, yes. Him. * I'm afraid not. I don't even know where he is now. Can I, um, take a message?"
"(Barnabas) Well, I'm not, um sure. I have a little problem over at Rose Cottage. I wonder if Sebastian could make a House Call to help me check it out... Erm, that is what you call them in the Psychic Biz, right? House Calls?"
* All of the sudden, **there seems to be a little more hidden tension in this relationship than there used to be.
** Actually, it's all of "a" sudden, not all of "the" sudden.


"(Barnabas) You seem disturbed about something, Roxanne. May I call you Roxanne?"
"(Roxanne) I'd prefer that to "Betty"."
"(Barnabas) If you’d care to talk about it, perhaps I can be of help."
"(Roxanne) I'm afraid this is something I need to deal with on my own. Er, where have you been all my life... I mean lately!
"(Barnabas) Wondering where on earth my priorities have been this entire storyline, spending all my time trying to save the family instead of hitting on you before you meet the grisly end so typical of all my other would-be lovers. (to himself) D'oh! What a jerky pick-up line that was!"

"(Roxanne) Why do you need to see Sebastian anyway? And where's Rose Cottage?"
"(Barnabas) It's the Old McGruder Place, near Cumberland Road."
"(Roxanne) That place is a cottage!?"
"(Barnabas) It's hard to explain. If he could only meet me there, he could be a big help."
"(Roxanne) I’ll deliver your message, Mr. Collins. But I think it’s only fair to warn you. Sebastian will never be able to help you. Never!"
"(Barnabas) Why not? He's a real clairvoyant, isn't he?"
"(Roxanne) Yes, but he's afraid of his powers."
"(Barnabas) What a wuss."
"(Roxanne) I, on the other hand, have got some talents that would amaze you! (Wink, Wink)"

"(Roxanne) Sebastian is so frightened of his powers, he's threatened to never use them again. Not even to make money."
"(Barnabas) Has Sebastian done anything to... hurt you?"
"(Roxanne) What a strange man you are. You barely know me, and yet you have this compulsion to help me. Why?"
"(Barnabas) I don’t know. Perhaps… perhaps it’s because of the other Roxanne I’ve told you about. The one you resemble so."
"(Roxanne) How well did you know her, exactly?"
"(Barnabas) Just barely... Oh, wait. I think I see your point."


"(Roxanne) That Roxanne and I are obviously different people. And yet from the very first time I met you, I had the strange feeling that there was a bond between us."
"(Barnabas) So did I!"
"(Roxanne) I feel it now. I can’t define it. I don’t even understand it."
"(Barnabas) Perhaps in time we will both know what it is. At least I hope we will get to know each other well enough to know."
"(Roxanne) So do I... Er, what were you saying back there about your potential lovers meeting grisly ends?"
"(Barnabas) Oh, it's nothing important. Besides, I'm sure they wouldn't rehash that plot angle again!"

Replaces 031.jpg
"(Roxanne) Mr. Collins... I'm sorry if I've been less... receptive to you in the past that I should have been. I hope that after you do whatever it is you need to do, that we'll have a chance to get better acquainted."
"(Barnabas) So do I. Well, farewell for now. But I shall return for you as soon as I have scaled the highest mountain, swam... (swum?) the longest river, and eaten the largest pizza for you, my dear. Farewell."
(Roxanne get stars in her eyes)

(In Maggie's Room)
"(Maggie) Lie back and rest, Maggie."
"(Julia) You're delirious. You're starting to read my lines."
"(Maggie) I'm sorry, I just keep worrying about David and Hallie. I don't quite like the idea of them cooped up in that hospital of yours."
"(Julia) Oh, well then I have good news for you. They escaped into the Wilderness."
"(Maggie) What a relief... What???"

(Barnabas enters)
"(Julia) Any luck?"
"(Barnabas) I went to enlist Sebastian's help, but he wasn't there. I left word for him."
"(Julia) Oh Barnabas, that won't do any good! Sebastian is a hippie!"
"(Barnabas) So?"
"(Julia) So he won't be of any help with anything that has to do with enlisting."

"(Barnabas) Any news on your end?"
"(Julia) Bad news. While you were gone, I got a phone call from Wyndcliffe. The children escaped at 4 o’clock this afternoon!"
"(Barnabas) Again??"
"(Julia) What do you mean "again"? They never escaped before."
"(Barnabas) No, but Maggie did when you had her locked up there... Come to think of it, so did I."
"(Julia) A few minor incidents and you make a Federal case out of it. We've still got Joe Haskell locked away. He's never escaped."
"(Barnabas) Yes, well if Joel Crothers ever returns to the show, you can bet he will."

"(Barnabas) Have you notified Police Squad?"
"(Julia) I called Sheriff Patterson. But, since Wyndcliffe is currently in Washington County, and we're in Hancock, he claimed it was outside of his jurisdiction. Technically he's right. They're just kids. How are they going to get all the way here on their own?"
"(Barnabas) Of all the luck."
"(Julia) Well, I suppose it's for the best, really. I received word from Miss Jackson that in only two days at Wyndcliffe, the children had built a complete system of tunnels under the building, hidden a radio transmitter in a coffee pot, bribed Nurse Schultz to help them, and had started smuggling out secret patient dossiers to the underground."
"(Barnabas) Well, that would explain that script I saw in Dan Curtis' office. I suspect that if the children stayed there, they would have appeared in a Dark Shadows spinoff series."
"(Julia) Spinoff series?"
"(Barnabas) Yes, it was going to be called Hallie's Heroes."

"(Barnabas) Well, I'd better get back to Rose Cottage."
"(Julia) I'll go with you."
"(Barnabas) No, you stay and guard Maggie. With luck, Sebastian will be waiting for me there. You know, the frightening thing is that Hallie and David should disappear on tonight of all nights."
"(Julia) Well, if the kids do go there, at least that solves the mystery."
"(Barnabas) What mystery?"
"(Julia) The mystery of how Rose Cottage is going to be destroyed."

(Barnabas has left the building)
"(Maggie) Julia? What was that all about? About the children, why would they go to Rose Cottage?"
"(Julia) I can’t explain now, Maggie, but don't worry. Everything will be all right."
"(Julia) So, what's with the scarf? Is the Dr. Who look in this year, or did the vampire get you too?"
"(Julia) D'oh!"

(the dogs howl)
"(Maggie) (blankly) I've got the strangest urge to go running out into the woods in my nightie."
"(Julia) Maggie! Now, Maggie, you've got to resist that! It's the vampire that's urging you to do that! The vampire!"
"(Maggie) (looking into the camera at the audience) He's not the only one."


(Barnabas searches Rose Cottage)
"(Barnabas) David? Hallie? Are you here?"
(no answer)
"(Barnabas) Sorry, mean Tad? Carrie? Are you here?"
(a stagehand wanders into shot)
"(Barnabas) You're not supposed to be here!"


(Hearing the Playroom Theme, Barnabas enters the dining room, and looks aghast)
"(Barnabas) I wish Julia here. She does that contorted look of horror far better than I do."

(Barnabas looks inside and finds the carousel playing on the dining room table)
"(Barnabas) THIS is what I was gasping at?? Granted, it's a little spooky, but not all that bad... Stupid script!"


"(Barnabas) Tad? Carrie? Are you here? If you are, answer me!"
(as the carousel stops playing, Barnabas unthinkingly puts another nickel in it)

"(Barnabas) Gerard? Gerard, where you are?? Show your big ugly face this instant!"
(Gerard appears, sneering in the corner)
"(Barnabas) All right! All right, already! Hide it again!"


"(Barnabas) So! Gerard Stiles! At least we meet, face to... mug. I know you want to do harm to me, but I won’t let you!"
(Gerard sneers)
"(Barnabas) I’ve come here to get the children! I take it that you don’t know where they are either. So much the better. I’ve come to drive you out of Collinwood, Gerard. I know that you intend to destroy this house tonight and then murder Daphne Harridge, and then destroy Collinwood, but I am here to stop you!"
(Gerard smiles as a light bulb goes on over his head)
"(Barnabas) I have the sickening feeling that you'd never thought of all that until I gave you the idea..."

(At Collinwood, the Foyer clock strikes 1:46) *
* What? Have they got it striking every minute now??

(Mrs. Johnson rushes in)
"(Mrs. Johnson) I heard that!!... Oh!"
(Devoted housekeeper that she is, Mrs. Johnson is ready and willing to defend the house from danger at any hour of the day or night.)
"(Mrs. Johnson) Somebody's laying it on pretty thick in here!"


(Hearing a mysterious noise coming from the Study, Mrs. Johnson instead searches the Drawing Room)
"(Mrs. Johnson) I'm no fool!"

(In the Drawing Room, Mrs. Johnson comes face to face with Gerard!)
"(Mrs. Johnson) On second thought, maybe I am!"


(Mrs. Johnson is aghast)
"(Mrs. Johnson) I don't know who you are... (Gulp!) or what you want... But you'd better know right here and now that I am prepared to do... absolutely ANYTHING that you say!"
"(Mrs. Johnson) Except of course that I don't do windows, don't work past 6, and don't supply my own cleaning equipment." *
* Even with Mind Control, there's a limit to how much you can get out of Mrs. J.


(In Maggie's Room, Maggie is pensive over the loss of her pencil sharpener)

(Mrs. Johnson bursts in)?
"(Mrs. Johnson) Dr. Hoffman! Dr. Hoffman!"
"(Julia) What's wrong? I didn't insult your cooking... Recently."


"(Julia) You're not supposed to be here to watch Maggie for another hour."
"(Mrs. Johnson) I know, but I just had the most awful nightmare!"
"(Julia) Elizabeth asked you to work Thanksgiving?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) No, that one's too ridiculous to be considered!"


"(Julia) What is it, then?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) I had the most frightening dream about Mr. Barnabas! I dreamed that he was in the most frightful danger at some abandoned mansion!"
"(Julia) Was it Rose Cottage??"
"(Mrs. Johnson) Er, yes! That's the place."
"(Julia) How do you know it was Rose Cottage? You've never seen the place."
"(Mrs. Johnson) Er, well, there was a sign outside saying "Rose Cottage: Abandon Hope All ye Who Enter Here"! And Mr. Barnabas, he was in the most terrible... non-specific danger!"

"(Julia) Non-specific danger?"
"(Mrs. Johnson) I couldn't tell exactly what it was, he was out of sight. But he was yelling and screaming, and I don't know what all! And he was calling your name!"
"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson, are you sure you're telling me the truth?""
"(Mrs. Johnson) Oh yes! Yes! Cross my heart and hope to... work overtime!"
"(Julia) Well, I guess you wouldn't kid me about a thing like that..."

(As Julia rushes out the door, Gerard smiles a "Just-For-That-I-Won't-Kill-You-Until-1995" kind of smile)

(Later, Julia rushes into the Rose Cottage Dining Room in hysterics)
"(Julia) Barnabas! Bar-na-BAS!!!!!"
"(Barnabas) Julia, what are you doing here?"
"(Julia) Mrs. Johnson told me you were in the most terrible danger!"
"(Barnabas) But I'm in no danger here."
"(Julia) Why that sly little matchmaker! Say Barnabas, why don't we bed down here for the night and see what develops?"


"(Barnabas) Julia, don't you see?? You've been tricked by Gerard!"
"(Julia) Nonsense, I didn't even see him... Tricked by Mrs. Johnson, maybe..."
"(Barnabas) Gerard must have mind-locked Mrs. Johnson and got her to send you here... If only we could figure out why."
"(Julia) Um... If the house were on fire, and we were trapped in here, would that solve the mystery?"
"(Barnabas) Of course. That would mean that it was a trick to get us here together."
"(Julia) In that case, I've got good news for you."


"(Barnabas) The room is on fire!"
"(Julia) Er, yes. That's the long and short of it. A move out of here might be an outstanding career move about now."
"(Barnabas) It's no good. I'm afraid you'll find the door locked and the windows glued shut."
"(Julia) Glued shut?"
"(Barnabas) It's Gerard's way of keeping us in here. He tried it on Daphne. What he doesn't realize, however is that as a vampire, I can simply teleport out of here at any time I wish!"
"(Julia) Ha, ha, ha! That's a good one on Gerard, isn't it? Just beam on out of here, and there's nothing he can do to... To..."
(looks at herself)
"(Julia) Bar-na-BAS!!!"

"(Barnabas) Oh, of course! You can't teleport, can you, Julia? That must be Gerard's plan. He knows I wouldn't leave you behind... No matter how much you... (suggestively) begged me to."
"(Barnabas) No good, huh?"

"(Barnabas) Don't worry, I'll stay with you then, no matter what the cost!"
"(Julia) Can the fire hurt you, Barnabas?"
"(Barnabas) Well, no... Not exactly... It's certainly not going to do this suit any good, however."
"(Julia) The way I see it, Barnabas, we've only got one chance."
"(Barnabas) What's that?"
"(Julia) (baring her neck) Sob... What are the chances that you can turn me into a vampire in the next 15 seconds??"

(Hearing a rattling noise, the door unlocks and Roxanne walks in)
"(Barnabas) What a stroke of luck!"
(Roxanne is carrying a fire extinguisher)
"(Julia) Now, that's just ridiculous!"

(moments later in the woods)
"(Julia) Boy, it's sure going up like a tinderbox, isn't it? And so is our 5th clue."
"(Roxanne) Barnabas, what happened!? I came here to tell you that Sebastian couldn't make it, and I find you and Dr. Hoffman locked in a burning building! Who started the fire??"
"(Barnabas) No one you'd know."
"(Roxanne) It was the funniest thing! Just as I walked up, I saw the funniest little man in old fashioned clothing and thick glasses. He asked me to give you a message, then he walked off."
"(Barnabas) By any chance, was the message "Laura Murdoch Stockbridge, died by fire"?"
"(Roxanne) Yes! How did you know?"
"(Barnabas) Running joke... Er, I mean Lucky Guess."

"(Barnabas) I see all this has upset you."
"(Roxanne) Not the fire. Something else."
"(Barnabas) If there’s anything I can do for you..."
"(Roxanne) No, no, there's not. I've just got to go take care of someone... someTHING I mean."
"(Barnabas) Roxanne!? Do you happen to have a deep dark secret of some kind?"
"(Roxanne) Doesn't everyone around here?"


"(Julia) Barnabas, we'd better see if Daphne is okay. Gerard may be after her too."
"(Barnabas) You're right. Thank you again for your help, Roxanne. I'll be in touch with you very soon."
"(Roxanne) (suggestively) How I hope you mean that literally!"
(Barnabas and Julia leave)
"(Roxanne) Sigh. I may have tried to put his fire out, but he can light mine any time!"

(Later at Collinwood)
"(Julia) I'll go up and check on Maggie, you check on Daphne."
"(Barnabas) How about if we BOTH go check on Maggie, and then BOTH go check on Daphne?"
"(Julia) Ah, you're one of those cautious types, huh?"
"(Barnabas) Chalk it up to the dull and unadventurous life I lead."


(In Maggie's room, Maggie, in a daze, puts on a flimsy wrap over her flimsy nightie)
"(Maggie) Exactly whose idea was it to dress me like Gypsy Rose Lee even when I'm convalescing? Isn't there one set of girl's flannel pyjamas in this whole house??"

(Outside Maggie's Room)
"(Julia) Come on, Barnabas! There isn't a moment to lose!"
"(Barnabas) Wait a minute, how do you know that? There's been no sign of emergency!"
"(Julia) It's a minute before the end of the show! You know what that means!"

(they burst in)
"(Barnabas) Gasp! Maggie's gone!"
"(Julia) Told you!"

"(Julia) And look! Here's Mrs. Johnson out cold on the floor with a lump on her head the size of a golf ball."
"(Barnabas) I wonder what that could mean?"
"(Julia) Well, either Gerard has been here, or she tried to serve Maggie her famous Tuna Surprise again."
"(Mrs. Johnson) (woozily) I.... heard... that..."

(In the woods, a character who looks like The Lord of the Nazgul, but is probably The Other Vampire, stands around waiting)
"(Voice) I'm looking for Baggins... Have you seen him?" *
* Obviously the Other Vampire is a Tolkien fan.

(Slowly, Maggie approaches The Other Vampire)
"(Other Vampire) Did you bring the blood?"
"(Maggie) Yes. Did you bring the negatives?"
(fade to black)


"(Mrs. Johnson) Did anyone get the license number of that truck!?"


"(Barnabas) Well, that's it. The Other Vampire isn't listed in today's credits."
"(Julia) There goes another fine plan shot to heck."

"(Bob Lloyd) Isn't that The Hand of Count Petofi box on the side table there?"
"(Dan Curtis) That's it."
"(Bob Lloyd) Well, what do keep in there now that the Hand is gone?"
"(Dan Curtis) Lady Fingers."


          Episode 1104:   Barnabas confronts Gerard, declaring that Gerard's reign over Collinwood will be ended.