Barnabas Gets Roxanne in Chains!
"I must say this is the nicest birthday present I've ever received! I was only expecting a tie."


Willie Pitches a Tent


The Fuzz Find Sebastian's Secret Stash!

Today on Dark Shadows...


The Collinsport Players Do Vaudeville!
"How do you like your stakes, Barnabas?"
"Er, RARE."
(Rimshot)


Barnabas Has To Deal With Those Pesky Jehovah's Witnesses!


Julia Opens a Kissing Booth!


Episode 1106

Starring Grayson Hall, Jonathan Frid, Christopher Pennock, John Karlen, Donna Wandrey
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Sebastian Shaw. A day of great importance on the estate of Collinwood. The night before, Barnabas Collins discovered the vampire's secret resting place: a crypt in a deserted cemetery."
"(Willie) WHO discovered it?"
"(Sebastian) All right, you did. But Barnabas discovered it from you, so what I said was true! Nyah!"


"(Sebastian) The coffin was empty when it was found at night, so Barnabas sent Julia and Willie to dispose of the vampire during the day. Now, before we do the Big Reveal, you've got one last chance to figure out who The Vampire is. Consider that there are only two new living characters, who weren't known to be non-vampires before this story began. One of them, me, has been seen in the day many times. Have you figured out who The Vampire is yet? If not: Tough."


(Julia and Willie enter the Abandoned Mausoleum)
"(Willie) Phew! What died in here? Heh, heh, I never get tired of that one."
"(Julia) I get tired of it..."


"(Willie) You know, Julia, it’s weird. There being no guard on this thing during the day. I don’t understand that."
"(Julia) I guess they're relying on secrecy. After all, this is a mausoleum. It's not like people are just going to walk in here and open all the coffins out of idle curiosity."
"(Willie) I guess. Still, I don't like this one bit."
"(Julia) Well, never mind that. Do you remember all your rationalizations?"
"(Willie) Yeah, yeah, I know. We're doing it a favor, and a vampire ain't really a person, except for Barnabas."
"(Julia) Right."


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"(Willie) What I don't understand is why we're here at all. When Maggie was attacked, didn't Barnabas swear "with all solemnity", on the graves of all his ancestors, that he was going to stake The Other Vampire himself?"
"(Julia) Yes, but you see, he forgot that when The Other Vampire was asleep, that he would be too. Of course, that's Barnabas for you."
"(Willie) Whaddya mean?"
"(Julia) He tosses out "solemn oaths" like Pop Rocks, breaks them, and then wonders why he spends half his life cursed."
"(Willie) Yeah."


"(Willie) Who do ya suppose is in there?"
"(Julia) Beats me. It could be anybody. Well, except Maggie, of course. It's obviously not her. Come on, stop stalling. Let's get ready."
(Willie reaches into his bag)
"(Willie) Whaddya think I should use? An Iron or a Wood."
"(Willie) I think a 3 Wood should do the job."
(pulls a wooden stake out of the bag)
"(Julia) Wait a minute. What's this notch in your stake."
"(Willie) Oh, I put that there when I staked Megan Todd. * This baby's going to get another notch tonight."
"(Julia) Willie. You're weird."
* Episode 971.


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(Julia opens the coffin lid with a squeak, gazes inside, and gasps in abject horror)
"(Julia) Billions of bilious blue blistering barnacles in a thundering typhoon!!!"
"(Willie) Whatsa matter? Does the Vampire sleep in the buff or something?"


"(Willie) C'mon, Julia. No foolin'. Who is it?"
"(Julia) See for yourself!"
(Willie peers inside the coffin)
"(Willie) Too bad. I had it worked out to Professor Plum in the Conservatory."
(Julia slaps a Cluedo card out of Willie's hands)
(fade to black)


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"(Bob Lloyd) Well, I guess that old saying is wrong, then."
"(Dan Curtis) What old saying?"
"(Bob Lloyd) Sometimes it's the FIRST one you suspect."


"(Willie) Who is it, Julia??"
"(Julia) Roxanne Drew."
"(Willie) That girl!?"
"(Julia) No, not Marlo Thomas. Roxanne Drew."
"(Willie) D'oh!"


"(Julia) No, no. You know! It's the girl who looks like the girl that Barnabas met in Parallel Time that he thought he loved in the two days they knew each other."
"(Willie) That one!?"
"(Julia) And Barnabas has been trying to get a date with her all this time."
(pause)
"(Willie) Wow, they got more in common with each other than he thought!"


"(Julia) This is so obvious in hindsight! I should have known! I should have known!"
"(Willie) What? How could you have known?"
"(Julia) Well, think about it. Who else could the vampire have been??"
"(Willie) I dunno. Mrs. Stoddard, mebbe?"
"(Julia) Willie, Mrs. Stoddard has never been a vampire!!"
"(Willie) That's just it! She was tryin' to get everybody off their guard!"
"(Julia) I wish I had an excuse to drive a stake into your heart."


"(Julia) The other day Elizabeth was asking me why it was so hard to make an appointment with Sebastian during the day. now we know."
"(Willie) And speakin' of that, it's about time we do what we came here to do."
(Willie positions the stake over Roxanne's heart)
"(Julia) No, wait..."
"(Willie) We've gotta hurry, Julia! Shaw could be here at any moment to stop us."
"(Julia) Wait, we've got to figure out what the repercussions might be of staking Barnabas' would-be girlfriend."
"(Willie) What's to figure out?? It's time for a little "Wham-Bam-Thank-You-Ma'am."


(Willie twirls the stake over Roxanne's heart in an Ed Norton-esque manner)
"(Julia) Gimme that!!"


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(Julia grabs the stake and hammer)
"(Willie) What'sa big idea, Julia? This is what we came here for!"
"(Julia) Willie, we can't stake Roxanne! Barnabas will have a conniption."
"(Willie) But he TOLD us to, he told us to, he told us to!! He told us to no matter who it was."
"(Julia) Yes, but he told you to stake "The Vampire". He didn't tell you to stake his date."
"(Willie) But they're the same person!"
"(Julia) Didn't I already warn you that Barnabas says things without thinking out the consequences? Listen to me, if you stake her now, and he doesn't like it, you are cruising for the biggest wedgie you've ever gotten!"


"(Willie) Julia, come on! The Roxanne Barnabas loved was in another time. She wasn't no vampire, this one is! Barnabas don't even know who this one is!"
"(Julia) He didn't know who the other one was either. I'm telling you, we can't take the responsibility for this without telling him. All these years, Barnabas has wanted a vampire bride to share an eternal orgy with. This way he wouldn't have to go out and make one. He's finally found a pre-fab."
"(Willie) And you really want Barnabas to have that?"
"(Julia) No, I just don't want him to kill me if he finds out I spoiled it."


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"(Willie) Aww Julia, come on, let’s make it easy for once. This isn't just about Barnabas. Maggie'll die if we don't do it! You said so yourself!"
"(Julia) I know."
"(Willie) We can't wait until we can talk to Barnabas. First thing this evening, this Roxanne here will be with Maggie. Barnabas would be even more angry if Maggie died."
"(Julia) It's just so hard to know what to do."
"(Willie) Let me stake her. If there's a problem, I'll take the blame."
"(Julia) You didn't even want to come here."
"(Willie) Well, I'm here now. If Barnabas gets mad, I'll say that you were against it, but I outsmarted you somehow and did it anyway."
"(Julia) YOU outsmarted ME???... Hmph! I'd rather take the blame myself!"


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"(Willie) How about we'll say I overpowered you? That's it, I threw you out the door, locked it behind you, and staked her while you wuz bangin' on the door for me to open it."
"(Julia) We've got to be sure we're doing the right thing. There's too much at stake here."
"(Willie) That's my point! Let 'er rip!"
"(Julia) There's too much at stake for US, if we do the wrong thing. No, Barnabas is going to have to approve this."
"(Willie) Look, how about this? How about if just tell Barnabas that the vampire was somebody he hates. You know, like Trask or somebody. He wouldn't get mad about that. Then we can just play dumb when he wonders why Roxanne suddenly disappeared too."
"(Julia) If I could play dumb as well as you can, I'd consider it."


"(Julia) Close the coffin, Willie."
"(Willie) But..."
"(Julia) Do it. He's sure to find out the truth if we don't."
"(Willie) But we'll never get this chance again! You know that as well as I do."
"(Julia) Yes we will. Close it."
"(Willie) But Maggie!"
"(Julia) We'll have to take our chances. Close it."
"(Willie) Boy, this really sucks!"
"(Julia) So does the vampire."
"(Willie) D'oh!"


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(At the Old House, Sebastian is meditating on the Basement door)
"(Sebastian) You get tired of your navel after a while."


(Julia enters)
"(Julia) Anything I can help you with, Mr. Shaw?"
"(Sebastian) (innocently) What? What?? Have I committed a crime here?"
"(Julia) Well, technically yes. Breaking and entering."
"(Sebastian) I didn't break anything! The door was unlocked. All I'm guilty of is entering. Is that a crime?"
"(Julia) Actually, it is."
"(Sebastian) Well, you just entered! I'm making a Citizen's Arrest!"
"(Julia) Working on that Insanity Defense already, are you?"


"(Julia) How long have you been here?"
"(Sebastian) Five or ten minutes."
"(Julia) Where did you come from?"
"(Sebastian) New York. I had a little flat on the East Side, and..."
"(Julia) I mean where did you come from just now??"
"(Sebastian) Collinwood. I couldn't find you there, so I came here. Why? Is there some deep dark secret here that I shouldn't be left alone with?"
"(Julia) Of course there is! How long have you been hanging around Collinwood, anyway?"
"(Sebastian) Don't get uptight, man. Just say you'd have to kill me if I knew it, and have done with it."


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"(Julia) Look, if you came here to find me, what is it you want?"
"(Sebastian) I feel like I’m on the witness stand."
"(Julia) You won't be if you answer my questions."
"(Sebastian) All right, doctor. The subject is Maggie Evans."
"(Julia) What about her?"
"(Sebastian) You've been treating her for what? 14 episodes now? If she's that ill, why not move her somewhere else?"
"(Julia) Like where?"
"(Sebastian) Like my place... Around 8 o'clock."


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"(Sebastian) Look, you've got a sanitarium of your own, haven't you? Heathcliff, or something?"
"(Julia) Wyndcliffe. If I'd known Maggie would be sick this long, I would have moved her there."
"(Sebastian) But there's been more than one attack, hasn't there? Isn't it incredibly risky, keeping Maggie here in the Danger Zone, as it were?"
"(Julia) Maggie has lived in the "Danger Zone" for several years, Mr. Shaw. It's not as dangerous for the regular characters. You'll learn about that if you last long enough."
"(Sebastian) I resemble that remark."


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"(Julia) what do you know about what's happened to Maggie, Mr. Shaw?"
"(Sebastian) Me? I just know what I read in the funny papers."
"(Julia) I see."
"(Sebastian) But I dropped by to see her this morning and they told me how weak she was."
"(Julia) You're in love with her, aren't you? Or whatever passes for love in the hippie community."
"(Sebastian) Well, I... I... I mean... I'm digging the Chick's scene, yeah. I wouldn't mind doing the hibbety-dibbety with her. She and I could take the Magic Bus to Manchester, if you know what I mean."
"(Julia) I'll take that as a Yes."


"(Julia) The bottom line is you're worried about Maggie's safety. Good. At least we share common cause there."
"(Sebastian) Yeah, well don't tell anyone. My image is built around bucking the squares. I'm taking a big risk. If we were even seen together, I'd be kicked out of the Rolling Stones fan club."
"(Julia) What exactly is a square? And what are the Rolling Stones?"
"(Sebastian) A square is somebody who has to ask who the Rolling Stones are!"
"(Julia) Come now, I may not be well acquainted with them, but I've heard of the Rolling Stoned."
"(Sebastian) Rolling Stones."
"(Julia) Stones? Not Stoned?"
"(Sebastian) Well, let's say that they're both!"


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"(Julia) Look, I appreciate your concern, but I'm the doctor, you're not. Why not let me decide how to treat Maggie?"
"(Sebastian) But this is a condition you've never seen before!"
"(Julia) How do you know that? Did I say that?"
"(Sebastian) Well anyway, I don't think she should be left alone. She should have somebody sitting with her at all times."
"(Julia) Yes, I'd already come to that conclusion. In fact, I was thinking of asking Roxanne Drew to sit up with her tonight."
"(Sebastian) What?? No, no! You can't do that!!"
"(Julia) Oh, really? Why not? (to herself) Sometimes it's just FUN being Evil."


"(Julia) Anything... wrong with Roxanne? After all, she's your friend, isn't she?"
"(Sebastian) She's my... ah, bookkeeper, that's it. And if she sits up with Maggie, she'll have no time to keep my books. What's suspicious about that? I mean not suspicious, I mean..."
"(Julia) Mr. Shaw, I've seen your place of business. And judging from the amount of business you do, you don't need a bookkeeper, you need a pamphlet keeper."
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"


"(Julia) Well, if that’s all you came here for, I’ve got work to do."
"(Sebastian) Yes, well I wonder if I might have your permission to go up and… and sit with Maggie tonight."
"(Julia) I’m afraid that won’t be possible."
"(Sebastian) Why not?"
"(Julia) Because Carolyn is sitting up with her tonight."
"(Sebastian) Well, I'll help Carolyn watch Maggie, then."
"(Julia) Are you sure you want to? Doesn't she still think you're her late husband?"
"(Sebastian) Oh no, ever since Carolyn got possessed by that Leticia person, she doesn't think I'm Jeb Hawkes any more."
"(Julia) I knew that would come in useful to somebody."


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(After Sebastian leaves, Willie enters)
"(Julia) Have we got the coffin stowed yet?"
"(Willie) Yeah, "we" did. I could never have done it without your moral support."
"(Julia) How'd you do that job by yourself?"
"(Willie) I didn't, I hired a couple of movers to help lift it."
"(Julia) Oh, you shouldn't have hired movers, Willie! They're likely to tell somebody they moved a coffin here."
"(Willie) No, they won't. I told 'em you'd tip 'em a hundred bucks each if they kept their mouths shut."
"(Julia) Thanks a LOT, Willie!"


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"(Bob Lloyd) Later at Eagle Hill, an unidentified guy in leather pants enters the Abandoned Mausoleum."
"(Dan Curtis) Nope. No idea who that could be."


(Leather Pants stops short and stares at a big empty spot where Roxanne's coffin had been)
"(Unidentified Guy) The coffin! It’s gone!"
"(Dan Curtis) The voice sounds familiar, but... Nope. Still can't place it."


(Back in the Secret Bookcase Room, the coffin is safely stashed)
"(Julia) There. Now Barnabas can decide what to do with her. You know, I've certainly got to hand it to him."
"(Willie) Who? Barnabas?"
"(Julia) No, the prop master was told to go out and find a feminine looking coffin. I wouldn't have known where to start."
"(Willie) Betcha you'd like to have one of these for yourself, huh?"
"(Julia) Not for a long time!"


"(Willie) Ya know, I just remembered. I left my stake and hammer at the mausoleum."
"(Julia) Well, go back and get them! Honestly, sometimes I think you'd forget your head if it wasn't bolted on."
"(Willie) All right, all right. Ya know, do you think this is really the right place for the coffin?"
"(Julia) Well, where else?"
"(Willie) It's just that this coffin don't go with those candles. I was thinkin' we could move it over by that wall, right next to the cargo nets, and..."
"(Julia) Willie, she's our prisoner! Let her do her own interior decorating."


(Back in the Abandoned Mausoleum, Sebastian finds a stake and hammer on the floor)
"(Sebastian) How did these get here??? I wonder if whoever brought them... used them on her?... D'oh! Obviously not, or I wouldn't still be in her power. Man, am I slow before I have my morning cup of coffee."


(Sebastian hides behind a pillar as Willie bumbles in)
"(Sebastian) Loomis? What's he doing here?.... I thought Barnabas made him sleep in that doghouse in his back yard."


(Willie picks up his bag with the stake and hammer, and leaves)
"(Sebastian) So, they belong to him!? But who on earth would trust Willie Loomis to go stake a vampire? I once heard Barnabas say he wouldn't trust him to open a can of beans that was already open!"


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(Back in the Bookcase Room, Willie and Julia have now chained Roxanne's coffin to prevent her escape)
"(Willie) Now, which one of us is gonna tell Barnabas about this?"
"(Julia) Pick a number from 1 to 10."
"(Willie) Oh no! I'm not fallin' for that one again!"
"(Julia) All right, all right, I'll do it. The important thing is that she can't get away. Lucky thing you had those chains."
"(Willie) Yeah, well just remember! I need to put 'em back on my car the first time it snows!"


"(Julia) Barnabas will be up soon. Let me do the talking. I'll know how to break it to him gentle, like."
"(Willie) Hey Julia, I was just thinkin'. Do you think maybe we should submerge the coffin in a vat of water, just to be extra safe?"
"(Julia) A vat of water!? Willie, that's Roxanne we've got in there, not Harry Houdini."


(Barnabas comes up from the basement)
"(Barnabas) Well? How did it go?"
"(Julia) Um... Well..."
"(Barnabas) Willie! How did you screw it up???"


"(Julia) It wasn't Willie this time, it was me."
"(Barnabas) You screwed it up?"
"(Julia) Why? Are you going to wedgie me?"
"(Barnabas) Well, is the job done or isn't it?"
"(Julia) Well... partially."
"(Barnabas) What do you mean "partially? Did you get the stake halfway in and not know what to do next?"
"(Julia) No, but..."
"(Barnabas) Maybe I owe Willie an apology. He'd wanted to write "This End Up" on the end of his stake, and I told him it was silly!"


"(Julia) Barnabas, calm down. We didn't drive the stake at all, but we did bring the coffin here. Safely sealed in the Secret Room."
"(Barnabas) What made you do a silly thing like that?"
"(Julia) We didn't know what else to do with it."
"(Barnabas) Have you ever heard of burying it?? That is what they're made for, you know!"


"(Julia) Barnabas, it wasn't that simple! A situation arose that required your personal involvement."
"(Barnabas) Julia? Who's the Vampire? That's what you're trying to tell me, isn't it?"
"(Julia) That's what I'm trying NOT to tell you."
"(Barnabas) Who is it??"
"(Julia) Um... Roxanne."
"(Barnabas) Roxanne!?? No! No, I can't believe it! Roxanne?? It can't be true! Why... Wait a minute, she's rather the only suspect, isn't she? Funny I didn't see that until now."


(Barnabas rushes into the Secret Room)
"(Barnabas) You chained the coffin!?"
"(Julia) Only to keep Maggie safe!"
"(Barnabas) You put MY would-be girlfriend into bondage?? I was planning to do that myself! (Did I say that out loud?)"


"(Barnabas) Unchain the coffin in two minutes, Willie, or you'll get..."
"(Willie) I know, I know."
(Barnabas goes back out front)
"(Julia) Were we wrong to do what we did? Or should we have just staked her and saved you the choice?"
"(Barnabas) I... don't know."
"(Julia) You did say to stake him no matter who it was."
"(Barnabas) But then you said stake "him", which left some ambiguity over whether or not we had permission to stake a woman."
"(Barnabas) If YOU of all people couldn't have weaseled an authorization out of something like that, then you're slipping, Julia!"


(As Barnabas rushes back inside, Willie is undoing the final chain)
"(Barnabas) Take it away! I must see her!"
"(Willie) Barnabas, I don't think..."
"(Barnabas) I know you don't! Now, get out so I can see her alone!"
"(Willie) Julia?"
"(Julia) Better do it, Willie. You know what he's like when he gets like this."
"(Barnabas) Are you saying True Love has never compelled you to behave in a similar way, Julia?"
"(Julia) Ask me again after I check my mail on match.com."


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(Ushering Willie and Julia out, Barnabas flips Roxanne's lid)
"(Barnabas) (straightening his tie) Hi there!"
(Roxanne rises up as if to embrace him, but instead fangs him in the neck, and comes up dry)
"(Roxanne) I've heard of anemic, but this is ridiculous!"


(Hearing Barnabas cry, Julia rushes in with a cross)
"(Julia) Barnabas, here! Use this on her!"
"(Barnabas) Are you joking?? You use it on her! I'm too busy hiding from it myself!"


(As Barnabas dives behind the credenza, Julia forces Roxanne down with the cross)
"(Julia) Back! Back, creature most vile!"
"(Barnabas' Voice) In a sexy way, of course!"
(As Roxanne lies back in her coffin, Julia puts the cross on her chest, * giving her her biggest case of heartburn ever)
* Can you imagine trusting that job to Willie??


(Julia closes the lid)
"(Julia) Re-chain the coffin, Willie!"
"(Willie) Right."
(Willie wraps the coffin up good)
"(Willie) Won't she get awful bored in there?"
"(Julia) Don't worry. The cross will put her into a state of hibernation."
BAM! BAM! BAM!
"(Roxanne's Voice) All right, who's the wise guy??"
"(Julia) Er, of course it takes a few minutes to work."


(Barnabas goes back out front to think)
"(Julia) There, you see, Barnabas? You see?? She's not right for you! She's an animal! A vicious, wild, tigress of an animal!"
"(Barnabas) (with a light in his eyes) Yeah!"
(Julia starts hunting around for that stake)


"(Barnabas) Julia, you cannot judge her by the way she just reacted. I mean, if I were to suddenly wake up in a strange place with my coffin open and a person I barely knew standing over me, I might not be the most pleasant person in the world either!"
"(Willie) (rubbing his neck) He's got a point, Julia. Believe me, I oughta know." *
* Episode 210.


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"(Julia) You're right about one thing, Barnabas. Roxanne is someone you hardly know."
"(Barnabas) I've got to talk to her."
"(Julia) You just tried that! And you suffered one of the most humiliatingly ironic comeuppances ever!"
"(Barnabas) That's because there was no time to explain. I need to sit her down and have a talk with her."
"(Julia) Ha! You let her out of that coffin, and she'll dematerialize and be gone before we can say "Sayonara, Maggie". And you can't talk to her in the coffin, because that cross will have put her lights out by now. You know the effect that a cross on the chest has on vampires."
"(Barnabas) Yes, yes, I use them myself sometimes, when I have insomnia."


"(Barnabas) What if I talk to her? Explain we're the same. Then she won't want to hurt Maggie."
"(Julia) Barnabas, are you mad?? Reveal your secret to someone you barely know? With no idea how she'll use it? She could be sending two idiots to your coffin next!... Wait a minute, that didn't come out right."
"(Barnabas) Yes it did!"


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"(Barnabas) Did it occur to you that I might be able to control her?"
"(Julia) More likely she'll control you! I know how you are around women. There's only one way to deal with her! With this!"
(Julia waves the stake in Barnabas' face)
"(Barnabas) That's absurd, and you know it... Technically, silver bullets will work just as well."
"(Julia) Thank you, Mr. Pedantic!"


"(Julia) Would you like to wait until morning and let Willie and I do it?"
"(Barnabas) You had your chance!"
(Barnabas tosses the stake in the fireplace)
"(Barnabas) Besides, she did save our lives in Rose Cottage. Or rather, she saved YOUR life. I could have beamed out at any time. Isn't that worth something?"
"(Julia) Not really. I'm one of the regulars. If she hadn't saved me, something else would have."
"(Barnabas) You're getting jaded, Julia! You know that!"


"(Julia) Are you really serious about trusting your secret to her?"
"(Barnabas) Well, why not? We might even be able to help her. After all, I seem to have developed an immunity to that anti-vampire elixir of yours, but it might work on Roxanne."
"(Julia) No, it wouldn't work. the FDA banned my anti-vampire elixir last year."
"(Barnabas) Why? What was in it?"
"(Julia) Golden-cheeked warbler feathers, Bald Eagle eggs, and dolphin fins."


"(Barnabas) Julia, don't you see? She's so much like the Roxanne I knew in Parallel Time. But something changed her. We need to find out who changed her into a vampire."
"(Julia) You may be right there. Whoever got her could be a threat to the rest of us. But you'd better come up with a solution before Sebastian Shaw finds her coffin. I say Sebastian, but we have no idea how many people are in her power."
(Willie enters)
"(Willie) Okay, I got her chained up all good and tight again, Barnabas."
"(Barnabas) Good, now leave me alone for a bit so I can think. Oh, and Willie!"
"(Willie) Yeah?"
"(Barnabas) You'd better not have enjoyed it too much!"


"(Bob Lloyd) Later that evening, a mysterious figure in leather pants sneaks into the Old House)
"(Ken McEwen) Hi, Sebastian!"
"(Sebastian's Voice) D'oh!"


(In the Secret Room, Barnabas soliloquizes besides Roxanne's chained coffin)
"(Barnabas) What is left for me now? For us? For so long I have wanted to meet a cute lady vampire. Someone I'd have something in common with. But something always goes wrong. They always either jump off a cliff, or take poison, or turn out to be monsters who have to be put down with a stake and a hammer... Why does everything always happen to ME??"


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"(Barnabas) I must leave this house and go some place where I can think. The Blue Whale. That's it. A place where everybody knows your name. And they're always glad you came. You wish to be where you can see the troubles are all the same. You wish to be where everybody knows your name." *
* The Collinsport Players do Cheers??


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(Barnabas leaves the secret room, dons his cape and cane, and leaves the house)
"(Bob Lloyd) Fade to black."
"(Dan Curtis) Wait a minute, it's not over yet!"
"(Bob Lloyd) There's more!?"


"(Bob Lloyd) After Barnabas leaves, Leather Pants comes out of hiding."
"(Sebastian's Voice) Will ya stop calling me that??"


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"(Bob Lloyd) Grabbing the mallet, he opens the Bookcase and enters. Leather Britches then smashes the padlocks on the coffin."
"(Sebastian's Voice) I've changed my mind. Let's go back to "Leather Pants"."


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"(Bob Lloyd) After smashing the locks, Leather Pants removes the chains and begins lifting the lid, in complete disregard of the "Do Not Open Until X-mas" sign that willie left on top."


"(Bob Lloyd) Lifting the lid, Leather Pants finds a sleeping Roxanne inside the coffin."
(scary musical stinger)
"(Bob Lloyd) We already knew that!!"


"(Bob Lloyd) Leather pants pulls a pistol out of somewhere, and points it at Roxanne's head."
"(Ken McEwen) Wait a minute, if he's in her power, should he really be able to do this?"
"(Bob Lloyd) I guess the vampire slaves are revolting."


(close-up on Sebastian's face)
"(Ken McEwen) Yep, revolting is the word for it."


"(Bob Lloyd) There's only one thing I didn't get about this episode."
"(Dan Curtis) What's that?"
"(Bob Lloyd) Since when does the secret room have a credenza in it?"


          Episode 1106:   Julia and Willie discover the vampire is Roxanne, but Julia cannot stake her, knowing Barnabas cares for Roxanne.