Sebastian Cuts Himself Shaving!


Dark Shadows is Now Sponsored By Some Baking Soda Company!


The Collinsport Players Do Wonder Woman!
"Are you sure these bracers can stop a bullet, Barnabas?"
"Well, if they don't, I'm going to look pretty silly. Hold still."

Today on Dark Shadows...


Daphne Auditions For a New Role!
"My name is Victoria Winters..."


Sebastian Auditions For a New Role!
"Zoinks! Run, Scoob!!!"


Barnabas Does His Own Stunts!


Episode 1107

Starring Grayson Hall, Jonathan Frid, David Selby, James Storm, Kate Jackson, Christopher Pennock, and Jerry Mathers as The Beaver
Original Script By Sam Hall
Directed By Henry Kaplan
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Julia Hoffman. A night of torment for Barnabas Collins. For, after boasting for three weeks about how he was going to destroy The Other Vampire who has been threatening Maggie Evans, The Other Vampire has turned out to be Barnabas' own would-be girlfriend, Roxanne. Willie and I have been doing our best to keep a straight face, with little success."


"(Julia) In other news, Roxanne has changed her name to Alice." *
* Think about it.


Blank:
-


"(Bob Lloyd) At the Old House, the house is entered by a mysterious figure in leather pants."
"(Ken McEwen) Okay, so first clue: The intruder is someone sweaty."


Blank:
-


"(Bob Lloyd) The guy in leather pants enters the secret room and begins smashing the padlocks keeping Roxanne's coffin chained."
"(Leather Pants) Yow! My thumb!"
"(Dan Curtis) Second Clue: The intruder is someone clumsy."


(The camera man slips up and shows the Intruder's face)
"(Bob Lloyd) Third clue: The Intruder is Sebastian."
(Leather Pants Sebastian opens the coffin and whips a pistol out of his pants)
"(Ken McEwen) Ah, so he did have one! I knew he wasn't just glad to see us."


(Sebastian points the pistol into Roxanne's coffin)
"(Bob Lloyd) A stick-up in a place like this!?"


(Before Sebastian can fire, Gerard appears at the other end of the room)
"(Sebastian) Who... Who are you??"
(Gerard doesn't answer, but just advances menacingly)
"(Sebastian) Stop or I'll shoot!"
BLAM! BLAM! BLAM!
(Gerard keeps advancing)
"(Sebastian) Hey, no fair! These are silver bullets! They're supposed to work on anything!"
(fade to black)


Blank:
-


Blank:
-


(Gerard disappears as Barnabas enters)
"(Barnabas) Who's shooting their mouth off in here?... Sebastian!"
"(Sebastian) He... He’s gone!"
"(Barnabas) Who's gone?"
"(Sebastian) I shot him… and he kept on walking towards me. Then he just disappeared! How can that be??"
"(Barnabas) Well, I don't know who you're talking about, but either he was a ghost, or you used to be an Imperial Storm Trooper."


"(Sebastian) I didn't miss him! I'm telling you, I made him eat lead... er, silver twice, but the bullets just went through him!"
"(Barnabas) Was he wearing black, had hair like yours, and a sneer from here to here?"
"(Sebastian) Yeah, that's him. And I plugged him, I tell you! I plugged him!"
"(Barnabas) I'm sure you did."
"(Sebastian) I wonder why they call it "plugging" someone when you open a hole instead of closing one?"
"(Barnabas) Well, I'm sure the answer to that and many other fascinating questions can be found in a book I have upstairs: The Junior Color Encyclopedia of Anal Retentiveness."


"(Barnabas) Gerard!"
"(Sebastian) I wanted it over! I wanted to snuff her here and now, but he wouldn't let me!"
"(Barnabas) Well, it's a good thing he did, or you'd have had to answer to me!"
"(Sebastian) You know, those silver bullets aren't cheap.... I wonder if I could scrape them out of the far wall?"


"(Barnabas) What I want to know is why you're here in my house, with a gun! I could have you arrested as a burglar, you know.",BR> "(Sebastian) I told you. To wax Roxanne!"
"(Barnabas) First you wanted to snuff her, then you wanted to plug her, now you want to wax her. Was shooting her ever a part of your plans? And how did you know she was here?"
"(Sebastian) I saw Willie in the crypt."
"(Barnabas) I should have known he was behind it. What exactly do you know about Roxanne?"
(Sebastian whips the scarf off his neck, revealing two puncture wounds)
"(Sebastian) Does this answer your question??"
"(Barnabas) Er... What of it? As I understand it, you hippies have needle marks everywhere."


"(Sebastian) They're not needle marks, they're fang marks! Roxanne is a vampire!"
"(Barnabas) (mock surprise) She is??"
"(Sebastian) And you know it!"
"(Barnabas) Very well, perhaps I do... But that doesn't mean I'm one!" *
* Smooth, Barnabas. Real smooth.


"(Sebastian) Not YOU, man! Her! You're the last one I'd suspect of being a vampire! * And she's not going to be a vampire any more either, after I waste her!"
"(Barnabas) Over my dead body!"
(Barnabas wrestles Sebastian for the gun, and succeeds in wresting it from him)
"(Sebastian) All right, you win. What are you going to do now? Kill me?"
"(Barnabas) Ha! Fat chance! Last time I killed you, you got a two month paid vacation before being assigned a new character! ** I've got a better idea, why don't you kill me?"
"(Sebastian) Why should I? What did you ever do for me?"
* Yes, ladies and gents, this man is our resident psychic.
** Episode 1035.


"(Barnabas) What I don't understand is how you could possibly have come here to try to kill her if you're in her power?"
"(Sebastian) Cause I'm not in her power any more, man! I was until I met Maggie!"
"(Barnabas) Met Maggie!? What does that have to do with..."
"(Sebastian) After I met her, I was freed from Roxanne's control by the Power of Pure Love!"
"(Barnabas) I think I'm going to be sick!"


"(Sebastian) Are you going to let me toast Roxanne, or aren't you??"
"(Barnabas) I'm not!"
"(Sebastian) But she'll kill Maggie!"
"(Barnabas) No, she won't. I will not let that happen."
"(Sebastian) But why bring her here at all? Why??"
"(Barnabas) That's no concern of yours. If you're free of her now, then take your freedom and be happy with that. Leave Roxanne to me."
"(Sebastian) All right. All right, as long as you make sure Maggie is safe!"
"(Barnabas) By the way, did Roxanne ever mention a Gerard Stiles?"
"(Sebastian) Yeah. Come to think of it, she did."
"(Barnabas) What did she say about him?"
"(Sebastian) I'm not sure. He's just somebody she said she knew a long time ago."
"(Barnabas) I see. And just one other question. If you were freed from Roxanne's power when you fell in love with Maggie, then why did you never try to kill Roxanne before tonight?"
"(Sebastian) (holding up his gun) Hey man, there's a 14 day waiting period on these things, you know!"


Blank:
-


(Later in Josette's Room, Barnabas grills Daphne)
"(Daphne) Nancy Drew?"
"(Barnabas) Roxanne Drew!"
"(Daphne) Roxanne... Oh, yes. There was a girl in Collinsport by that name in 1840. She lived near here with her father. Was engaged to a man named Lamar Trask."
"(Barnabas) What happened to her?"
"(Daphne) I don't know. She disappeared, and there was some mystery about her disappearance. I think some other people knew what happened. I never heard what it was, but they made it sound like something unspeakably horrible had happened to her."
"(Barnabas) Sounds like she went ahead and married Trask."


"(Daphne) How could you possibly know Lamar Trask?"
"(Barnabas) Well, I don't. But I know other Trasks, and they're all alike, believe me. Did she ever suffer from a mysterious illness that you know of?"
"(Daphne) A mysterious illness? Like what?"
"(Barnabas) Er, I don't know. Like... anything!"
(the Playroom Theme begins playing)
"(Barnabas) Well?"
"(Daphne) He’s here! He's here!"
"(Barnabas) Gerard?"
"(Daphne) Don’t ask me any more questions!! Don’t!"
"(Barnabas) Why not?"
"(Daphne) That's a question!!"
"(Barnabas) D'oh!"


(Later, downstairs)
"(Barnabas) Daphne, you need to leave Collinwood tonight."
"(Daphne) No!"
"(Barnabas) Only temporarily, until we've dealt with Gerard. He's tried to kill you already."
"(Daphne) I can't leave here while the children are missing!"
"(Quentin) There, there. The children will still be missing when you get back."
(pause)
"(Quentin) That didn't come out right."


Blank:
-


"(Daphne) Don't you see? The children will come to me."
"(Barnabas) I hope so. If they come to you where we're taking you, that means they'll return to Wyndcliffe."
"(Daphne) You're sending me to Wyndcliffe? Is that place a sanitarium or a hotel?"
"(Barnabas) There's no point arguing. We held a vote and it's been decided. Quentin will take you upstairs to pack."
"(Daphne) A vote? Nobody told me about that."
"(Quentin) Of course not. Women didn't have the vote in 1840."


(Later, up in Josette's Room)
"(Daphne) Well anyway, Quentin, I do appreciate your helping me pack."
"(Quentin) Think nothing of it."
"(Daphne) It would have been nicer if you'd been interested in packing more than just my unmentionables."
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


"(Daphne) I still don’t feel that I should go."
"(Quentin) You don't have a choice. Nobody at Collinwood knows you now. Besides, do you think I'm going to let him take you from me? Now, come on. I want to see a smile on your face, huh?"
(Daphne manages a weak one)
"(Quentin) Now, that’s better. You certainly don’t look like a girl who’s about to go into a whole new world. You are, you know. We both are."
"(Daphne) You're a girl?"
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


"(Quentin) I mean we're both going to start a whole new life together! In fact, I think that calls for a toast."
"(Daphne) You think everything calls for a toast, Quentin."
(Quentin starts to pour drinks)
"(Quentin) when this is over, I think we should both leave here."
"(Daphne) Leave Collinwood?"
"(Quentin) Not just Collinwood, leave the whole show! Too many tragedies here."
"(Daphne) But where would we go?"
"(Quentin) I was thinking we could go to Nanny and the Professor. Nice and safe. Nothing worse than a lost teddy bear ever happens on that show."
"(Daphne) Oh, not Nanny and the Professor, Quentin. I've heard Disney is already threatening to sue them over similarity to Mary Poppins. Maybe we could go to Gilligan's Island. There are no ghosts there."
"(Quentin) Forget it. There's no brandy there, either."


"(Daphne) Besides, you wouldn't be able to do half the things you've hinted about wanting to do with me on a show like Nanny and the Professor."
"(Quentin) We couldn't do al the things I plan to do with you on Peyton Place!"
(clinks her glass)
"(Quentin) Cheers."
"(Daphne) Oh, not Cheers. Then we'd have to work with Ted Danson."


(Daphne takes one sip and collapses to the floor)
"(Quentin) Heh, heh. Girls. Can't hold their moonshine."


(Quentin collapses to the floor too, holding his stomach)
"(Quentin) Strange. It usually doesn't hit me this way until the 4th or 5th bottle. What strange supernatural force is Gerard using on us??"
"(Daphne) Not supernatural! Look!"
(Daphne points to an empty bottle of prune juice next to the brandy decanter)


(As Gerard smiles at their discomfort, voices can be heard downstairs)
"(Barnabas) What's taking so long with that packing? I'd better check on them."
"(Julia) Here, take this with you?"
"(Barnabas) A garden hose? Why?"
"(Julia) Knowing Quentin, you'll need this to separate them."


(Barnabas and Julia enter and find Daphne on the floor)
"(Barnabas) Well, there's something you don't see every day. A woman who lost a drinking contest to Quentin and didn't have to take anything off."


"(Julia) Don't be ridiculous, Barnabas. She's been attacked somehow."
(takes her pulse)
"(Julia) Yes, she's alive. I'd better get her a sedative."
"(Barnabas) Julia, she's half unconscious. Does she really need a sedative now??"
"(Julia) Barnabas, for the last time, who's the doctor here??"
"(Barnabas) Daphne! Daphne, can you hear me? Where's Quentin?"
"(Daphne) The last I saw him, making a mad dash for the loo."


Blank:
-


(Barnabas returns to Collinwood to find Carolyn in a black dress and veil)
"(Barnabas) Carolyn, have you seen Quentin?"
"(Carolyn) Leticia."
"(Barnabas) No, not have you seen Leticia. Have you seen Quentin? And... say, why are you dressed like that?"
"(Carolyn) Like what?"
"(Barnabas) I mean, are all your other clothes in the wash, or is it the latest fad among kids to wear mourning clothes in the evening?"


"(Carolyn) Thank you for your concern, but my attire is completely appropriate, Mr. Collins. I am indeed attending a funeral tonight."
"(Barnabas) Whose funeral?"
"(Carolyn) What do you care? You're not invited."
"(Barnabas) Well, is it a Collins family member?"
(Carolyn whistles tunelessly)
"(Barnabas) Well, nobody in the family has died lately... Heh, heh. In fact, do you know that old joke? What's the difference between a Collins wedding and a Collins funeral? One less drunk."
"(Carolyn) (cryptically) In this case, that's not exactly true."


Blank:
-


"(Barnabas) Quentin? You mean Quentin?"
"(Carolyn) I mentioned no names."
"(Barnabas) You didn't have to. With Roger out of town, all drunk jokes automatically go to Quentin."


"(Barnabas) Why don't you help me? I know you have second sight somehow. Could you use it to locate Quentin?"
"(Carolyn) You really think I can? Thanks for the compliment."
"(Barnabas) Yes, could you use your powers to tell me if Quentin is alive, and if so, where?"
(Carolyn gets a glassy, faraway look in her eyes)
"(Carolyn) He is dying... But he does not know it."
"(Barnabas) Where is he?"
"(Carolyn) I… see… a wooded area."
"(Barnabas) Well, which wooded area? Can you be more specific? There are a lot of woods around here? There are woods outside Collinwood, outside the Old House, near Eagle Hill cemetery, and even in the park downtown. Could you be more specific?"
"(Carolyn) It's hard to tell. We use the same set for all of those locations."


Blank:
-


(Meanwhile, out in the woods, Quentin is under some kind of spell)
"(Quentin) (in a trance) How could I ever have thought of YOU as my enemy? Maybe it was your sneer. Maybe it was your murderous ways. I don't know, but it all seems so silly now."


(Back at Collinwood)
"(Barnabas) Have you located him yet?"
"(Carolyn) I'm trying, I just need silence so I can concentrate."
(pause)
"(Barnabas) Very well."
"(Carolyn) I said I need silence!"
"(Barnabas) And I said okay."
"(Carolyn) Then don't say anything else!"
"(Barnabas) Whatever you say."
"(Carolyn) D'oh!"


"(Carolyn) Are you trying to help Quentin, or aren't you?"
"(Barnabas) I'm sorry, I'm just so eager to help."
"(Carolyn) Well, it's no good. The vision is gone now."
"(Barnabas) Well, please try to get it back! If you don't, Quentin could become the Ghost of Honor at his own funeral!"
"(Carolyn) Ooooh, brother."
"(Barnabas) What? What's wrong? That wasn't a line flub, you know! That was an intentional pun!"


"(Carolyn) I'm sorry, I'm not getting anything now."
"(Barnabas) I don't understand! How can you have Second Sight and not be able to locate Quentin?"
"(Carolyn) I did the best I could. This isn't an Exact Pseudo-Science, you know."


(Back in Josette's Room, somebody is sleeping in Josette's Bed) *
* With apologies to Goldilocks.


(Julia is keeping watch over Daphne, looking oddly disturbed)
"(Julia) Brrr! Why can't Barnabas get central heating installed in this barn?"


"(Daphne) (moaning) Quentin... Quentin..."
"(Julia) Daphne? Daphne, where is Quentin? Where is he?"
"(Daphne) He's not in this time any more!"
"(Julia) What do you mean he's not in "this time"? Has he been taken back to 1840?"
"(Daphne) No."
"(Julia) Well, what time is he in, then??"
"(Daphne) Yesterday!... He's in that time."
"(Julia) I know he's Yesterday! He was Yesterday yesterday!"


(Meanwhile, Quentin and Gerard are in Eagle Hill Cemetery)
"(Quentin) may I just take this opportunity to say that this is the LEAST romantic Romantic Walk I've ever been on?"


(Gerard leads Quentin to an Unmarked Grave)
"(Quentin) So, why is this headstone blank?"
(pause)
"(Quentin) Uh huh. Real funny." *
* You'll just have to imagine what Gerard thought at him, but it was quite good, we assure you."


(Quentin examines some of the other graves)
"(Quentin) Cyrus Larch! Yes, yes! I know him. He was the ship’s chandler before he went bad... It was right after he met you, wasn't it?"
(Gerard twirls his finger in a "Whoop-de-doo" motion)
"(Quentin) Ensign Jack Sparrow! You gave him his start as our bilge scrubber. Then he went on to do all those Pirates of the Caribbean movies, while you got nothing."
(Gerard mimes a D'oh)


Blank:
-


"(Quentin) Seaman Archibald Haddock! He was our butler... He was supposed to be the bugler, but there was a typo in that classified ad. Remember? The same thing happened with Sailor Moon here. You had to hire him for "Light Housekeeping" instead of what you'd really wanted."


(Quentin spots another stone)
"(Quentin) Miles Pardoe, 1840... Wow, that is a lot of miles to Pardoe."


"(Quentin) I don't understand all this. How can I know all these people who died in 1840, when I myself wasn't born until 1870?"
(Gerard claps a Sinister, Icy, Black Hand of Death on Quentin's shoulder)
"(Quentin) Oh, that's your answer to everything, isn't it??"


Blank:
-


"(Quentin) But this grave over here. The unmarked one. Why does it puzzle me so?"
(Gerard hands Quentin a shovel, and gestures as if to ask Quentin if he knows what to do with it)
"(Quentin) Yeah, yeah, I can dig it."


(Quentin starts digging with gusto) *
"(Quentin) You want to know what's in a grave, you dig it up. Everything's so easy with you."
* Also with the shovel.


Blank:
-


(After much backbreaking labor, Quentin unearths a coffin in the unmarked grave)
"(Quentin) Pant, pant, pant... I don't know about you... Pant, pant... But I'm just about ready for one of these things!"


(Back in Josette's Room)
"(Barnabas) Did Daphne tell you anything that might help us?"
"(Julia) Not a thing."
"(Barnabas) Well, did you try hypnotizing her again?"
"(Julia) Yes, I tried hypnotizing her again!... All I could do was get her to quack like a duck and to stop smoking."


(Answering a knock at the door, Julia lets Carolyn in, holding a large box)
"(Carolyn) I must see Daphne. Alone."
"(Julia) Alone? Do you think we're completely stupid?"
"(Carolyn) That's neither here nor there at the moment."
"(Daphne) What have you got there?"
"(Carolyn) Flowers. For your funeral."
"(Daphne) But I'm not dead yet!"
"(Carolyn) Well, could you hurry it up? These things won't keep in the fridge forever."


"(Daphne) Please. Maybe you'd better let me talk to her alone."
(Barnabas and Julia leave)
"(Julia) Well, so much for the question of whether we're completely stupid."
"(Barnabas) Don't be absurd. If we listen, maybe she'll let something important slip."
CRASH!
"(Julia) You're right again. It sounds like reality isn't the only thing Carolyn didn't have a very good grip on."


(Back in Josette's Room, Daphne opens the box, to find the maroon dress she wore as a ghost)
"(Daphne) Don't tell me. Gerard wants me to put this on."
(Carolyn doesn't answer)
"(Daphne) Well??"
"(Carolyn) You said not to tell you!"


(Daphne stashes the dress in a trunk)
"(Daphne) Well, you can forget it. Tell him to forget it."
"(Carolyn) You know what will happen if you don't."
"(Daphne) Big deal, the same thing will happen if I DO!"
"(Carolyn) You said yourself that you liked that dress!"
"(Daphne) No, I didn't. I just said it was to die for!"


(Julia and Barnabas storm back in)
"(Julia) Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition!"
"(Barnabas) Do you have to do that every time we burst into a room??"


"(Julia) All right, what's going on here?? What did you tell Daphne?"
"(Carolyn) Boy, you two really are a pair. You think you can change everything! Well, you can’t. Gerard will wave his Green Flag and nobody can stop it!"
"(Barnabas) Why do we have to ask?? I thought you were eavesdropping!"
"(Julia) I couldn't hear her, I was busy talking to you!"


(Carolyn storms out)
"(Barnabas) What did she bring you?"
"(Daphne) Oh, it doesn't matter now."
"(Barnabas) Julia, look! A clue!"
"(Julia) What clue?"
"(Barnabas) There's a receipt in the box!"
"(Julia) A receipt for what??"
"(Barnabas) It doesn't exactly say. What cost $23.80 in 1840?"


(In Eagle Hill, the coffin has been brought above ground)
"(Quentin) It's Quentin Coffins' collin, isn't it? Er, I mean Quentin Collins' coffin. D'oh! You know, on a real show, they'd reshoot that line!"


"(Quentin) But it is Quentin's coffin, isn't it?"
(Gerard smiles and nods)
(Quentin starts to open it, then stops)
"(Quentin) No, I'd better not. I just might be in there!"


Blank:
-


(Quentin opens the coffin, and finds it empty)
"(Quentin) That's right. It was never used. I wonder why not?"
(Gerard shrugs his shoulders)
"(Quentin) I wonder why he didn't get his money back? Or sub-let it. Those things costed $23.80 back then, you know."


(In Josette's Room)
"(Daphne) He knows! He knows now!"
"(Julia) Listen! Take me to him! Let me just get my purse, and..."
(as Julia turns her back, Daphne dashes out the door and is gone)
"(Julia) Oh boy. Barnabas is going to kill me for losing sight of her. Well, there's only one thing to do now. I'll just have to tell Barnabas that Daphne did this to me."
(Julia picks up a candlestick, whacks herself over the head with it, and collapses on the bed)


(Back at the cemetery, Gerard motions towards the coffin)
"(Quentin) You want me to get IN? Oh no, no, no. I never get into a grave. Call me Mr. Superstitious, but I consider it bad luck."


Blank:
-


(Carolyn approaches)
"(Quentin) Leticia!"
"(Carolyn) I remember the night we danced and sang together. Do you?"
"(Quentin) Oh yes."
"(Carolyn) We were so happy. For that one moment."
"(Quentin) Well, I don't know about you, but I wasn't happy until we went to my bedroom later."
"(Carolyn) D'oh!"


"(Quentin) Why are you dressed like that, Leticia? Nobody's died, have they?"
"(Carolyn) Not yet, but why wait until the last minute?"
"(Quentin) Whatever happened to that mourning miniskirt you wore when Paul Stoddard died? I sort of liked that one."
"(Carolyn) I promise, I'll wear it for your next funeral."


"(Carolyn) Remember Quentin, when life gives you lemons, try to remember all the good times we had in 1840. And in 1839. And 1838..."
"(Quentin) Yes. Yes, I remember them all now. I remember you. And Gabriel. And Desmond. And Flora, and Samantha, and Laura..."
"(Carolyn) Er, ixnay. We couldn't get Diana Millay back for the next story."
"(Quentin) Oh. Well, scratch that, then. I don't remember Laura."


(As Gerard gestures towards the coffin, Quentin starts to climb in)
"(Quentin) Goodbye, Leticia!"
"(Carolyn) Well, goodbye, Quentin... Or should I say "till we meet again"? no, I think "Goodbye" covers it."


(Back in Josette's Room, Daphne is in tears)
"(Daphne) It's happening! It's happening now!"
"(Barnabas) What's happening??"
"(Daphne) They're burying Quentin! It's happening just as it was supposed to in 1840!"
"(Barnabas) Oh, bother. What's the point of doing a story in 1840 now? They've already given away the ending!"


Blank:
-


(Back at graveside, Gerard has just finished re-burying the coffin. Quentin is nowhere in sight, but you get the feeling we might be able to change his name to "Fill Collins", if you know what I mean and I think you do)


"(Quentin's Voice) All right, this isn't funny any more!!"
(fade to black)


"(Bob Lloyd) Oh, boy. Quentin's really going to have to think outside the box to get out of this one."


"(Ken McEwen) What I don't understand is why did Roxanne sleep in a mausoleum instead of at Hexworld with Sebastian?"
"(Bob Lloyd) Are you kidding? That music Sebastian plays would wake the undead."



Blank:
-


"(Ken McEwen) Maybe this guy can rescue Quentin."
"(Dan Curtis) No, he can only dig up guys named Peter."


"(Bob Lloyd) The way I see it, there's only one chance. They forgot to Dial Before They Dig. Maybe the power company will come rescue Quentin."


          Episode 1107:   After deciding to chain Roxanne in her coffin, Barnabas stops Sebastian from destroying her with silver bullets.