Maggie Evans

Josette Collins

Maggie Collins




Rachel Drummond

Kathryn Lee Scott's Last Day on the Job!



Lady Kitty Hampshire



Barnabas Takes a Risk!
"I'd be careful about lighting those things, Barnabas. Willie went to the big Chili Cook-off yesterday."


Maggie Gets a Scare!
"I know it's probably not my place to mention this Maggie, but when you got up earlier, I noticed that that hospital gown Dr. Hoffman gave you doesn't exactly close all the way in back."


It's Christmas at Collinwood!
"Oh Barnabas, you got ME a nightie? How sweet of you!..."
"Er... Yes! Yes indeed. I wonder..."
"You wonder what?"
"What Maggie is going to do with a pair of support hose. (I'm going to KILL the delivery boy who mixed those packages up!"

Today on Dark Shadows...


The Collinsport Players Do Speed Racer!
"Speed, if you see a nice clean gas station, please pull over."
"Oh Trixie, didn't you go before the race??"


Keith Richards Has His Portrait Done!


Roxanne Gets a New Coffin!
"That's a blooper!"


Episode 1108

Starring Grayson Hall, Jonathan Frid, Christopher Pennock, Kathryn Leigh Scott
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Maggie Evans. My journey is ending. Collinwood in the present time, on a night that threatens to end in tragedy for all who live here. Collinwood is in danger of destruction from the evil Gerard. Barnabas and Julia saw the after-effects of this destruction in the year 1995, and since returning to 1970 have worked tirelessly to try to change the history that they saw in the future, and at long last, they may have succeeded. Quentin Collins, who was alive in 1995, is now lost and presumed dead. Somehow, they still aren't happy."


"(Maggie) Meanwhile at Eagle Hill Cemetery, that same Quentin Collins has become the new World's Hide and Seek Champion..."


(At the Old House, Julia is reading)
"(Julia) People born under the sign of Libra include Famous Writer Oscar Wilde, Famous Slugger Mickey Mantle, and Famous Nobody Kim Kardashian."


Blank:
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(Barnabas comes downstairs)
"(Julia) Barnabas, did you learn any thing from the children?"
"(Barnabas) Nothing whatsoever. If they do have any information, they’re concealing it well."
"(Julia) Well, what did they say?"
"(Barnabas) Not much. They've locked themselves in their room, refuse to speak to anyone, and will only communicate with the outside world by passing notes under the door."
"(Julia) Let me guess. They're not in this episode."
"(Barnabas) How did you guess?"


"(Julia) It’s amazing that they came back to the house of their own free will at all."
"(Barnabas) Well, what choice did they have? They were out in the woods almost two days, and were tired and hungry."
"(Julia) Well, David was in the Boy Scouts once, wasn't he? Doesn't he have any wilderness survival skills?"
"(Barnabas) No, he wasn't a member long enough to develop any. David's interest in the scouts ended when he found out that they had to do a good deed every day."


"(Barnabas) What about Daphne and Carolyn?"
"(Julia) Well, I gave Daphne a sedative, but Carolyn was gone before I could give her one."
"(Barnabas) Why would you want to give Carolyn a sedative? She wasn't ill."
"(Julia) Because she's been possessed, of course."
"(Barnabas) Of course. Well, our top priority is to find out what happened to Quentin."
"(Julia) Do you have any idea yet what that might be?"
"(Barnabas) No, but we must expect the worst. He could be trapped or injured or lost or dying somewhere. If we find him alive at all, he may need immediate treatment."
"(Julia) Roger."
"(Barnabas) So, you'd better have a sedative prepared."
"(Julia) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


Blank:
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"(Barnabas) It's a pity Carolyn ran off. With her second sight, she might have helped us locate Quentin."
"(Julia) She told you that there was going to be a funeral tonight. She must have meant Quentin’s."
"(Barnabas) She could have meant anybody, but I agree Quentin is the most likely suspect. The question is, is Quentin already dead, or was it a prediction?"
"(Julia) What difference does it make?"
"(Barnabas) Well, if it was only a prediction, then we can change it."
"(Julia) Oh, can we? We've been trying to change history for 48 episodes already, and come up completely dry."
"(Barnabas) All right, so we've had some rough going lately. But we've had success changing history before."
"(Julia) Name one."
"(Barnabas) Erm... Vicki Winters! Remember? She was hanged in 1796, but I went back in time and saved her." *
"(Julia) Yes, and then the Leviathans pushed her off Widow's Hill that same night and she died just the same." **
"(Barnabas) Can I help it if she was accident prone?"
* Episode 665.
** Episode 967.


Blank:
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"(Julia) Barnabas, I found something in the original Quentin’s diary."
"(Barnabas) You've been reading his diary??"
"(Julia) Well, this is a matter of Life and Death!"
"(Barnabas) Since when have you ever been reticent about reading other people's diaries?"
"(Julia) Is it my fault if everything around here is a matter of Life and Death?"


"(Barnabas) I don't understand. What's so odd about this diary?"
"(Julia) Look at the last entry. September 23rd. That's the same day as today."
"(Barnabas) It looks ordinary enough to me."
"(Julia) The troubling part isn't the entry, it's the fact that it's the last one. Don't you see? This suggests that the original Quentin died on this night, and that our Quentin might die on this night!"
"(Barnabas) Why is it that whenever we look at a journal entry, it's always from this same day in history?? It makes the show seem like The Bicentennial Minute."


(In Maggie's Room, Sebastian is watching over Maggie)
"(Maggie) (in her sleep) Where?… Yes! Yes, I'll go! But where? Please tell me! Tell me where?? Where??"
"(Sebastian) Maggie! Are you asleep??"
(shakes her)
"(Maggie) Not any more. Sebastian! What are you doing here? I thought Mrs. Johnson was watching me."
"(Sebastian) She asked me to spell her. Julia is still treating her for a concussion, you know."
"(Maggie) Oh yes, that's right."
"(Sebastian) So she had to step out to take her hourly sedative."


Blank:
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"(Sebastian) Have a bad dream?"
"(Maggie) No thanks, I just had one."
"(Sebastian) What was it about?"
"(Maggie) It's the same one I've had the last couple of nights."
"(Sebastian) Was it in color?"
"(Maggie) Oh yes, all my dreams are in color... Oddly enough, they were in color even when the show was still in Black and White."


"(Sebastian) What was this dream about? It sounded positively... funky."
"(Maggie) It's so weird. I dream that there's a woman trapped in a chained coffin in the Old House basement. For some reason, I'm compelled to go there and rescue her. But after I've rescued her, she's not grateful. She actually bites me! What on earth can it mean?"
"(Sebastian) Erm... Well, it means that you feel guilty about eating that last slice of cake at your 3rd Grade picnic."
"(Maggie) Are you sure? It sounds more like..."
"(Sebastian) Look, who's the psychic here? You or me?? I think I have a better idea of what your dreams mean than YOU do, young lady!"


Blank:
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"(Sebastian) Can you tell who the woman in your dream is, Maggie?"
"(Maggie) I'm not sure. But I know her voice. If I could only place it."
"(Sebastian) No, no! Don't try to place it! Er, I mean because it's only a dream! There's no point getting bad vibes about a real person over some silly dream is there? Dreams don't come true."
"(Maggie) Last night I dreamed that you and I went out on another date."
"(Sebastian) ...All the time! Dreams don't come true all the time!"
"(Maggie) Good save."
"(Sebastian) Thank you."


Blank:
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"(Maggie) I just keep worrying that someone is really being held prisoner, and that only I can release her."
"(Sebastian) Now, really. Do you really want to embarrass yourself by storming over to Barnabas'house and asking him if he's holding a lady prisoner in his basement?"
"(Maggie) It would sound silly?"
"(Sebastian) Of course it would sound silly! Barnabas is respected. He's rich! He's a Collins! You go over there and accuse him of something, and you'll be the laughing stock of the community!"
"(Maggie) So you're saying I should sneak over there when he's away?"
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"


Blank:
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"(Sebastian) I'm saying you should forget it. It's just a dream, it doesn't mean anything."
"(Maggie) Well, if it is, it'll be the first dream on this show EVER that didn't mean anything."
"(Sebastian) You know, Maggie. I think you should consider leaving Collinwood."
"(Maggie) I'm planning to get my nails done as soon as I'm up and about."
"(Sebastian) No, I don't mean to go into town. I mean to leave Collinwood semi-permanently."
"(Maggie) Leave Collinwood?? Why??"
"(Sebastian) Well, I mean just look at you. You seem to get kidnapped every other month. Or bitten. Or hypnotized or cursed. (lamely) And now if you're starting to have bad dreams on top of that..."


"(Maggie) Oh, I could never leave Collinwood. My job!"
"(Sebastian) You can't do your job. You've been bedridden for the last 15 episodes. And it's unsafe for you here!"
"(Maggie) No more than for anybody else."
"(Sebastian) Look, you once told me that you told your predecessor that she was a Jerk: J-E-R-K, for even considering taking a job at Collinwood. * Now you've up and done the same!"
"(Maggie) All right, so maybe I'm a jerk too. But even if I am, I can't leave Collinwood now. There are too many ties that bind me here."
"(Sebastian) You mean loyalty to the family?"
"(Maggie) That, and also Julia tied me to the bed to keep me running off again. You don't happen to have a pen knife on you, do you?"
* Episode 1.


"(Sebastian) Yeah, I've got one right here."
"(Maggie) Good. Cut me loose, okay?"
"(Sebastian) I wish you'd reconsider this. The kids are possessed, and the destruction of the house is imminent."
"(Maggie) And you expect me to abandon my friends at a time like this?"
"(Sebastian) No, no, I don't mean abandon them. All I'm saying is that if you have some vacation time saved up, this might be an outstanding time to use it."
"(Maggie) Well, I guess that wouldn't do any harm. Just take a little time off. How much do you think I should take?"
"(Sebastian) Until everybody's dead."


Blank:
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(Downstairs, Barnabas and Julia enter the house, and go to the phone)
"(Barnabas) Let's hope Sebastian is at home. Perhaps he could be useful to us."
"(Julia) I hope so. He's overdue."
(Barnabas dials)
"(Barnabas) Hello, Operator. Get me Hexworld.... No, not the wargaming club, the occult shop... It's ringing."
"(Answering Machine) Hello, this is Sebastian Shaw. I can't come to the phone right now, but if you'll leave your name, number, and a brief message, I'll get back to you as soon as the stuff has worn off."
BEEP!


Blank:
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(As Barnabas hangs up, he notices a strange card by the phone)
"(Barnabas) What's this?"
"(Julia) (reading) Quentin Collins. Born 1808, Died 1840. May he rest in peace."
"(Barnabas) The Death Notice of Quentin Collins!"
"(Julia) And look. There are lottery numbers on the back."


"(Julia) Barnabas! Barnabas, I can feel Gerard's presence in the house now!"
"(Barnabas) Haven't you felt his presence here for some time now?"
"(Julia) Yes, but it's stronger all of a sudden."
"(Barnabas) Well, can you describe it?"
"(Julia) Well... you know that feeling you get on a cold evening when you walk into a room and you realize that someone left the window open?"
"(Barnabas) Certainly."
"(Julia) That's not it."


(Sebastian bee-bops downstairs)
"(Sebastian) Hey, I'm glad you cats are here. I want to talk to you."
"(Barnabas) Really, Mr. Shaw. I assure you I have absolutely no ability to transform into a bat."
"(Julia) No, no Barnabas. He said "cats"."
"(Barnabas) Oh, I see... Er, what does that mean?"
"(Julia) I haven't the slightest idea."


Blank:
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"(Barnabas) Actually, Mr. Shaw, we wished to speak to you as well."
"(Sebastian) Far out."
"(Barnabas) No, no, in here is fine."
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"
"(Barnabas) But you were just sitting up with Maggie. How is she?"
"(Sebastian) Great! (Nudge, nudge!)"


Blank:
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"(Barnabas) No, no. I mean how is she physically?"
"(Sebastian) Once again, great!"
"(Barnabas) No, no, I mean... oh, skip it."
"(Julia) What Barnabas means is what's Maggie's medical condition."
"(Sebastian) Oh! Alive."
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Sebastian) Now that that's cleared up, I have something to say."
"(Barnabas) I hope you brought a translator."
"(Sebastian) I think we need to get Maggie out of Collinwood immediately!"
"(Barnabas) Remarkable! I understood that!"
"(Julia) Shh! Quiet, Barnabas."


"(Julia) Why should we get her out? Has something happened to her?"
"(Sebastian) She's started having dreams about going to the Old House basement and setting Roxanne free from the coffin. So, permission to take her away from here and help her forget?"
"(Julia) How will your taking her away help her forget Roxanne?"
"(Sebastian) Are you kidding? A few tokes of my private stash, and she won't remember her own name for two days!"


"(Barnabas) I was afraid that something like this might happen. Maggie is in Roxanne's power. If she somehow knows where the coffin is, she'll make an attempt to free her. Maggie is still in danger."
"(Sebastian) Then you agree that Maggie should be taken out of Collinwood immediately?"
"(Barnabas) Well, yes. But there's one more favor we must ask of you first."
"(Sebastian) Maggie is the most important thing, Barnabas!"
"(Barnabas) Well, Quentin Collins is the second most important."
"(Sebastian) Quentin? What's happened to Quentin?"
"(Barnabas) We don't know. He's disappeared."
"(Sebastian) It's Saturday night. Have you looked under the nearest table?"


"(Julia) Please, Mr. Shaw, we're afraid Quentin might be dead. If he's not, your powers could locate him."
"(Sebastian) If I agree, will you agree to get Maggie away from here?"
"(Barnabas) Sebastian, the moment we know where Quentin is, you may take Maggie away from here yourself, and make her your chick, or whatever you kids say these days."
"(Sebastian) Agreed."
"(Barnabas) But if going to change her name to Hashberry, or Moonflower Childe, or something, I don't want to know about it!"


(Sebastian begins concentrating, and begins seeing visions)
"(Sebastian) I'm starting to get something! On Channel 2!"
"(Julia) Channel 2???"
"(Sebastian) I see a room at Collinwood. Someone is waving a green flag out of a window. I can't see who... Or what room."
"(Barnabas) Gerard!"
"(Julia) In the Tower Room."
"(Sebastian) Are you two psychic too?"
"(Julia) No."
"(Sebastian) Then shut up!"


Blank:
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"(Sebastian) Now I'm getting a cemetery over on Channel 27. Which cemetery is it, Doctor?"
"(Julia) I don't know."
"(Sebastian) Really? Somehow I thought you would."
"(Barnabas) What's happening?"
"(Sebastian) The ground is rumbling. It looks like a couple of them are about to rise from the dead."
"(Barnabas) Anybody I know?"
"(Julia) Shh! Barnabas!"


"(Sebastian) Boy, are you jaded. People hardly ever rise from the dead in New York."
"(Barnabas) Sebastian, does anything you've seen so far have to do with Quentin?"
"(Sebastian) Not that I could tell, no."
"(Julia) Well, keep trying. There must be an All-Quentin Channel out there somewhere."


Blank:
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"(Sebastian) Wait a minute! I'm getting something else! Collinwood is in flames! A horde of peasants with torches is storming the ramparts!"
"(Julia) He must be on The History Channel now."
"(Sebastian) Maggie is trapped in the building by the flames! She can't get out!"
"(Barnabas) Oh no!"
"(Sebastian) No, wait. She got out the side door. She's heading towards the Old House! Now she's going into the Secret Room!"
"(Julia) This is the first vision I've ever heard with Play by Play Commentary."


"(Sebastian) Maggie has found Roxanne's coffin! Now she's picking up a mallet! She's got a wild look in her eye! Now she's smashing the padlocks!"
"(Barnabas) Oh no! Julia! Do you realize what this means?"
"(Julia) Yeah. We need to buy bigger padlocks."


"(Sebastian) She's broken the padlocks! Now she's removing the chains... She's opening the lid... Now all the evils of the world are coming out of the coffin!"
"(Barnabas) All the evils of the world!?"
"(Julia) He must have slipped over to The Mythology Channel by mistake."


Blank:
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"(Barnabas) What's she doing now??"
"(Sebastian) I don't know. I've lost sight of Maggie now. I'm starting to see a whirlwind of images!"
"(Barnabas) What are they?"
"(Sebastian) It's all a blur... I'm seeing... the Titanic docking in New York Harbor... Queen Jane's silver jubilee... and the Inaugural Ball of Wendell Wilkie."
"(Julia) I don't know about you, but I'm starting to have my doubts about his powers."


(Sebastian is shaken by his visions)
"(Sebastian) It’s like I told you. Maggie is going to set Roxanne free. I told you!"
"(Julia) Sebastian, I don’t understand all of your vision. Particularly the Green Flag at the window and the disturbance in the cemetery. What do those things mean?"
"(Sebastian) They mean..."
(long pause)
"(Barnabas) Well???"
"(Sebastian) Sorry, I was expecting a musical stinger there or something."


"(Sebastian) What they mean is the beginning of the destruction of Collinwood!"
"(Julia) Gasp!"
"(Barnabas) When will Collinwood be destroyed?"
"(Sebastian) Tonight! It’s going to happen tonight!"
"(Barnabas) Oh, dear."
"(Julia) And what steps would you recommend we take?"
"(Sebastian) Extremely long ones."


"(Julia) There must be something we can do!"
"(Barnabas) Well, we do know the destruction will be preceded by a murder, so our first task is to see that Daphne is kept alive."
"(Julia) If we can't save the whole family, how are we going to save Daphne?"
"(Sebastian) Hey, wait a minute. What about Maggie? You said if I tried to help you..."
"(Barnabas) That Maggie will leave Collinwood. And she will. We must take her to Wyndcliffe immediately."
"(Sebastian) Windclyffe?"
"(Julia) Julia. You explain it to him while I go up and get Maggie."
(Barnabas leaves)
"(Sebastian) Wait a minute, you're not going to throw her off a cliff, are you??"
"(Julia) D'oh!"


(Barnabas goes up to see Maggie)
"(Barnabas) Maggie?"
"(Maggie) Hmm?"
"(Barnabas) Maggie!"
"(Maggie) Wha...? Wha... Five more minutes, mom!"
"(Barnabas) Listen, I must speak with you. What would you say if I said that we're going to have Sebastian take you away to Wyndcliffe for treatment?"
"(Maggie) I'd say "Crazy, man"."


Blank:
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"(Barnabas) Come on. Julia has a nice room picked out for you, right next to Joe Haskell's."
"(Maggie) Why do you want to take me to Wyndcliffe? My problem isn't mental, it's these two big holes in my neck."
"(Barnabas) Maggie, I wish there was time to explain to you, and convince you how important this is, but there isn’t. You must simply go now, whether you like it or not. I promise I'll explain later."
"(Maggie) You're going to explain everything later on?"
"(Barnabas) Promise."
"(Maggie) Hmph, if I believe that, I really am crazi."


(Downstairs)
"(Sebastian) Wyndcliffe Sanitarium?? Wait a minute, Doctor? Isn’t sanitarium just a polite word for insane asylum??"
"(Julia) To the contrary. "Insane Asylum" is a polite term for Nuthouse."
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"


"(Sebastian) You know as well as I do that Maggie's problem is physical, not mental."
"(Julia) It's both. When she hears the Call of the Wild, she's not responsible for her actions. If we can keep her isolated long enough to clean the vampire cells out of her system, she'll be free of Roxanne, and you can take her away from there."
"(Sebastian) Oh, it's sort of like sending her to detox, you mean!"
"(Julia) Exactly. I knew that metaphor would click with you."


(Barnabas enters with a babushka-wearing Maggie)
"(Barnabas) All right, Maggie’s ready."
"(Julia) And I've got the rubber room on standby. Sebastian, go get the car."
"(Maggie) Wait a minute, I can't leave yet. I have to see Carolyn first."
"(Barnabas) Why?"
(Maggie produces a cardboard Macy's box)
"(Maggie) She asked me to deliver this box to the children."
"(Barnabas) I'll give it to them, you get going."
"(Maggie) Promise you won't forget?"
"(Barnabas) Bisect my heart."
"(Maggie) Don't you mean cross your heart?"
"(Barnabas) Please! We don't use that word."


"(Julia) Now, please go with Sebastian."
"(Maggie) All right, as long as I'll be all right again. I'm getting tired of lying around in bed."
"(Barnabas) You promise you'll take her straight there?"
"(Sebastian) I promise. But I'd just like to state again my objections to taking Maggie to a Nuthouse."
"(Julia) Sebastian, please! We don't use words like "Nuthouse". Especially in front of the patients. If you must use slang, just say Funny Farm."
"(Barnabas) Or Booby Hatch."
"(Julia) Or Giggle Factory."
"(Maggie) Or Loony Bin... Hey, wait a minute!"


"(Barnabas) Bon voyage, Maggie, and write if you get work."
"(Julia) And hang by your thumbs!"
(Sebastian and Maggie leave)
"(Barnabas) Oh dear, I'll miss her. Do you think we'll be seeing her again soon?"
"(Julia) Oh, certainly. She should recover in short order."
"(Barnabas) Thank goodness."
"(Julia) Of course, after a few weeks with Sebastian, she's liable to return with purple hair, and reading Carlos Castaneda."
"(Barnabas) Oh dear, for the first time, I think I need to try Quentin's method of coping."
(heads for the brandy decanter)


(Julia puts the cardboard box down on the piano without peeking inside it or anything)
"(Julia) (dashing back) WHAT AM I DOING???"


"(Julia) Gasp!"
"(Barnabas) What's in there?"
"(Julia) Look! Isn't this the dress that Hallie was wearing in 1995?"
"(Barnabas) You're asking me?? All I know about women's clothing is that it takes about 2 hours less to put on now than it did in 1795."


Blank:
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"(Julia) Well, trust me, it is. Look. There's that brown suit David was wearing right beneath it."
"(Barnabas) Do you know what this means?? Yes. Unless we find a way to prevent it, the children are destined to die in these clothes tonight!"
"(Julia) Yes. You know, in a way it's sort of a pity."
"(Barnabas) What are you talking about?"
"(Julia) Unlike most of my wardrobe, this is something I wouldn't mind being caught dead in."


"(Julia) Barnabas, everything is happening so quickly. Quentin, Maggie, the children! What do we do next?"
"(Barnabas) Well, Maggie is safe, and we have no idea where Quentin is. So the children are top priority. Sebastian said the destruction would be tonight, so we must keep them safe until this night is over."
"(Julia) Yeah. Because if Gerard destroyed Collinwood a day late, it would mean we'd successfully changed history."
"(Barnabas) Must you poo-poo everything I suggest??"
"(Julia) I'm sorry."


"(Julia) How do we keep the children safe? We don't know where they died or how?"
"(Barnabas) Well, we know that we weren't with them the first time! So, what we've got to do now are a) stay with them all night, and b) burn those clothes before they get into them."
"(Julia) Barnabas! Gasp!!"
"(Barnabas) Don't tell me the clothes are gone!"
"(Julia) The clothes are gone!!"
"(Barnabas) I asked you not to tell me that!"


(Sure enough, the clothes are gone)
"(Julia) Barnabas!?"
"(Barnabas) Quiet, I'm thinking!"
"(Julia) About how to foil Gerard?"
"(Barnabas) No, about how I can blame this on you!"


(Meanwhile, in Sebastian's convertible)
"(Maggie) Are we there yet?"
"(Sebastian) No."
"(Maggie) Are we there yet?"
"(Sebastian) No!"
"(Maggie) Are we there yet?"
"(Sebastian) NO!"


"(Maggie) Sebastian? You've got to turn around!"
"(Sebastian) We've been driving an hour and a half. We can't turn back now. Now, c'mon. We'll have you at Wyndcliffe and into a straitjacket before you know it."
"(Maggie) But I just had the most awful feeling! Like, if I don't go back now, I'll never see my friends at Collinwood again!"
"(Sebastian) Oh, Maggie! Of course you'll see them again!"
"(Maggie) I will?"
"(Sebastian) Sure... At book signings, conventions. Heck, you might even get a cameo in the 2012 Dark Shadows film."
"(Maggie) Big deal!"
"(Sebastian) (muttering) Hey, it's more than I'm gonna get..."


"(Sebastian) This is my last episode too, you know."
"(Maggie) It may be Sebastian's last episode, but surely they'll assign you a new character. You know, like they did after Jeb and Cyrus died."
"(Sebastian) Yeah. Hey, you know, speaking of that, this is going to be my first character who didn't die in the end!"
"(Maggie) Yeah, well the way you're driving, I wouldn't count your chickens just yet."
"(Sebastian) D'oh!"


"(Sebastian) If you're going to miss Collinwood, that much, why not capitalize on it?"
"(Maggie) How do you mean?"
"(Sebastian) Well, you'll need a new job. You could start your own little publishing company. You could publish Dark Shadows books to get started and then branch out into quality non-fiction books on all aspects of the entertainment industry, along with such other non-fiction fare as guidebooks, biographies, textbooks, humor and coffee table art books."
"(Maggie) You know, that's got possibilities."
"(Sebastian) I've got a great name for it, too. You could call it Kumquat Press!"
"(Maggie) Kumquat Press!? Wouldn't it be better to call it something like... Oh, I don't know. Maybe Pomegranate Press?"
"(Sebastian) Pomegranate Press!? No offense, but doesn't that sound a little silly?"


"(Sebastian) We'll have plenty of time to work out the details later. The important thing is that you'll soon be safe. No more Collinwood. No more vampires. No more werewolves. No more Gothic Horror. From now on, you're going to be living an ordinary, everyday life."
"(Maggie) Uh huh. What's that up in the road? A head?"


(At the Old House, Julia and Barnabas come downstairs)
"(Barnabas) The children seem safe enough. They’re fast asleep. So no need to bother sitting up with them or anything."
"(Julia) Oh boy, I've got to sit down for a moment."
"(Barnabas) At a time like this??"
"(Julia) Barnabas, we just lost Kathryn Leigh Scott! Doesn't that mean anything to you??"
"(Barnabas) It's okay. I've got another girl chained up in the Secret Room."
"(Julia) (to herself) Oh boy, some days I really hate men!"


"(Barnabas) I'm sorry, Julia, the shock of Kathryn's departure hasn't hit me yet. But I'm sure it will as soon as Collinwood is out of danger."
"(Julia) At that rate, we're looking at some time after 1995"
"(Barnabas) Look, I have an idea. Why don't we take whatever we've done that HAS worked so far, and start doing more of that?"
"(Julia) Sounds good to me... Er... What have we done so far that's worked?"
"(Barnabas) Look, I came up with the idea, it's your job to come up with the particulars."


(As Barnabas leaves, Julia sits in the Comfy Chair to relax)
"(Julia) I've got another girl chained up in the Secret Room! I ask you. Boy, if I ever wrote a memoir of my days at Collinwood, even Kumquat Press wouldn't publish it!"


Blank:
-


(Julia suddenly hears a ghostly heartbeat reverberating through the house)
"(Julia) (to herself) Where is that coming from? What's causing it?"
(looks down at her own chest)
"(Julia) Maybe I need to cut back on the coffee a little."


"(Julia) No. It's not me. The Secret Room! Roxanne must be trying to summon one of her victims to release her!"
(Julia opens the Bookcase Room, but the sound is fainter in there)
"(Julia) Nope, that's not it. Well sheesh, where is that sound coming from? And what does it mean?"
"(Bob Lloyd) That Ben Finney is still alive."
"(Julia) Oh, shut up!"


(Barnabas rushes in)
"(Barnabas) Julia! Do you hear that sound! Heartbeats! Just like the sound everyone else hears when I'm chained in my coffin!"
"(Julia) Yes, I hear it too, and... Hey, wait a minute. How do you know what other people hear when you're chained in the coffin?"
"(Barnabas) I do catch the show in re-runs occasionally, you know."


Blank:
-


"(Barnabas) It must be Roxanne this time."
"(Julia) No, I already checked. The sound isn't coming from in there."
"(Barnabas) Upstairs! It's coming from upstairs!"
"(Julia) But you just came from upstairs."
"(Barnabas) Yes, and I just realized that the sound is fainter down here."
"(Julia) But how can there be heartbeats coming from up there? There's no vampire up there! It doesn't make sense!"
"(Barnabas) Oh, like it makes any sense when there IS a vampire!"
"(Julia) Good point."


(Julia and Barnabas rush up to the Old House Attic)
"(Julia) It's coming from in here all right."
"(Barnabas) Better have a look at Quentin's portrait."
"(Julia) Could you do it, Barnabas? I just ate."


(Barnabas uncovers Quentin's Dorian Gray portrait, looking as blechy as ever)
"(Julia) Well, that shows he's still alive, at least."
"(Barnabas) Yes, but this portrait is his only way of communicating with us. It means that Quentin has been taken prisoner and is close to death! It means that Gerard has buried him alive!"
"(Julia) Would you mind telling me how you worked all that out?"
"(Barnabas) Yes. I just realized that the heartbeats are coming in Morse Code."


(fade to blech)


"(Bob Lloyd) That's another one from Episode 1 gone. Burke, Vicki, Joe, Sam and now Maggie. Who's left?"
"(Dan Curtis) Well, let's see. There's Liz, Carolyn, Roger, David and Matthew."
"(Bob Lloyd) Matthew!?"
"(Dan Curtis) Oh, that's right. He's Professor Stokes now, isn't he?"


Blank:
-


"(Ken McEwen) Where did he say they were taking her? Guantanamo?"
"(Dan Curtis) No, no, that's KSM! KLS is going to Wyndcliffe."


"(Bob Lloyd) So, I'm confused now. If Quentin died in 1840, as the Death Notice claimed, then why was his coffin empty?"
"(Dan Curtis) He didn't. Reports of his death were greatly exaggerated."


"(Bob Lloyd) "Maggie went to Wyndcliffe by jet", Lela leered."
"(Ken McEwen) "Maggie just ran out of laundry detergent," said Lela cheerlessly."
"(Dan Curtis) And knock it off with the Lela Swifties!!"


-


          Episode 1108:   Sebastian announces that Gerard will take over Collinwood tonight. Maggie is taken away to Wyndcliffe.