David and Hallie Take Dance Lessons!


Dan Hires a Midget Camera Man!


Quentin is Rescued From the Coffin!
"What took you so long?"
"Sorry, we went to your other grave."

Today on Dark Shadows...


Collinwood is Invaded by a Gang of Men!
"Pinch me!"


Barnabas Gets an Itch!


David and Hallie are Pretty Bummed That the Story is Over Today!


Episode 1109

Starring Grayson Hall, Jonathan Frid, David Henesy, Kathy Cody, David Selby, James Storm, Kate Jackson
Original Script By Gordon Russell
Directed By Lela Swift
Caption Version by Graeme Cree

Read left to right, top to bottom


"My name is Gerard Stiles. The Great House at Collinwood in the final episode of Present Time. Barnabas Collins and Julia Hoffman have learned that something terrible has happened to Quentin Collins. But they don't know what or where to find him. They are confident that once they can locate him, they will be able to prevent the upcoming Destruction of Collinwood. But, confidentially, folks. It's in the agbay."


Blank:
-


(In the Old House Attic, Barnabas and Julia check out Quentin's Dorian Gray portrait, and find it as ghoulish looking as ever)
"(Barnabas) Well, at least this shows that Quentin is still alive."
"(Julia) Are you sure? What would it look like if he were dead?"
"(Barnabas) Well, the portrait would be dead too."
"(Julia) No, but wait a minute. The way this works, if the portrait died for him, wouldn't Quentin still be alive?"
"(Barnabas) I'm not really sure. The actual show never explains these things that deeply. To understand that, somebody needs to write a fanfic."


"(Barnabas) In any case, the ghostly heartbeats that led us here would seem to indicate that Quentin is still alive. Somewhere."
"(Julia) But where?"
"(Barnabas) I don't know, but the portrait must have some power to lead us to him, if we could figure it out."
"(Julia) Maybe we just need to say "Quentin, Quentin, wherefore "art" thou, Quentin."
"(Barnabas) Oh Julia, that was bad! I wouldn't blame them if they didn't come back from commercial after that!"


Blank:
-


Blank:
-


"(Julia) Do you suppose Quentin has been taken prisoner somewhere?"
"(Barnabas) Either that or he's been buried alive!"
"(Julia) How do you work that out?"
"(Barnabas) You and Willie heard the heartbeats when I was chained in the coffin, didn't you? Well, doesn't our hearing them suggest that Quentin is in the same predicament: also trapped in a coffin?"
"(Julia) No."
"(Barnabas) Well, what does it suggest to you, then?"
"(Julia) That our writers have very little imagination."


"(Hallie) Oh no!!"
"(Barnabas) Julia? Did your voice just change!?"
"(Julia) Don't be ridiculous, Barnabas. David and Hallie are here"
"(Hallie) It's all happening the way it did before! That means we're next!"
"(Barnabas) What happened before?"
"(David) Just what she said. Gerard killed Quentin, and then us!"
"(Julia) Wait a minute, I thought Gerard was mad because he DIDN'T kill Quentin! When is this backstory going to start making sense??"


Blank:
-


"(David) No, that's what happened! Gerard killed Quentin and buried him in the cemetery. Then he came and killed us too!"
"(Hallie) That's right! We were there!"
"(Barnabas) Now, wait a minute! Wait just a confounded minute!"
"(Julia) Yes, what about that dream David had back in Episode 1086?? You know, the one where Quentin and somebody named Flora saw Tad and Carrie dead in the Drawing Room!"
"(David) I dunno, I guess that was just an ordinary dream."
"(Hallie) Not EVERY dream around here is some kind of psychic vision, you know!"
"(Julia) D'oh!"


"(Barnabas) All right, never mind that now. The important thing we need to know is WHERE did Gerard bury Quentin in 1840?"
"(David) We can't tell!"
"(Hallie) Gerard will punish us!"
"(Barnabas) You already think he's going to kill you! What are you afraid of that's worse??"
"(David) He's right."
"(Hallie) Quentin was buried in an unmarked grave in the Lovable Rogues section of the Pauper's Wing of Eagle Hill Cemetery."
"(Barnabas) Which grave??"
"(David) It's the only blank headstone there."
"(Hallie) If you get lost, anybody will be able to give directions."


(Meanwhile in the Lovable Rogues Section)
"(Quentin's voice) 10,999,624,268 bottles of beer on the wall. 10,999,624,268 bottles of beer..."


(In the grave)
"(Quentin) If not for these coffin night lights, I'd have gone mad two days ago!"


(Daphne stops by in her old dress to put flowers on Quentin's grave)
"(Daphne) I got spoiled by all those miniskirts. I'm sweating like a bear in this thing!"


(Daphne hides in the trees as Barnabas and Julia approach)
"(Barnabas) There's The Gray Mouser. There's Han Solo. This must be the Lovable Rogues section."
"(Julia) And here's an unmarked grave."
"(Barnabas) Freshly dug!"
"(Julia) And look! There are flowers on it. Lilacs! That means Daphne was just here!"
"(Barnabas) How do you know?"
"(Julia) Well, because Lilacs are her signature scent."
"(Barnabas) Julia, they haven't even kept their story straight on whether or not 1840 Quentin lived or died! Do you expect a rigid consistency on what people's favorite flowers are?"


"(Julia) You think it's the wrong place then?"
"(Barnabas) Well, this is an unmarked grave, and it has just been freshly dug. As long as we're here anyway, it wouldn't hurt to dig it up and see what's there."
"(Julia) Sometimes I really love the way we think around here."
(Barnabas gets on his knees and starts digging with his hands like a dog)
"(Julia) Er, Barnabas? There's a shovel right here? Wouldn't that be easier?"
"(Barnabas) Of course it would! Let me have it!"
"(Julia) Good, I was afraid it might violate some kind of Undead Union Rules to use tools."
(Barnabas digs while Julia supervises)


(Back in the Old House Attic)
"(David) They shouldn’t have left us here alone."
"(Hallie) We’re not alone. Willie’s downstairs."
"(David) Willie? I wouldn't trust him to open a can of beans that was already open!"
"(Hallie) We don't have to trust him, the important thing is we can run faster than him!"
"(David) Gotcha."
"(Hallie) Oh, what do you think Gerard will do to us for telling them where Quentin's grave is?"
"(David) The same thing he'd have done if we didn't."
"(Hallie) That bad, huh?"


Blank:
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(Gerard appears in full sneer mode, beckoning them to follow)
"(Hallie) Oh Tad, he's here! What's he going to do to us??"
"(David) Now Carrie, don't panic. It'll be okay."
(Hallie rushes into his arms and holds him tightly)
"(David) Erm... On second thought, go ahead and panic a little..."


(Back in the Lovable Rogues Section, the grave has now been dug up)
"(Julia) Phew! Luckily we had a winch to help lift the coffin out of the hole."
"(Barnabas) Yes... She was rather attractive, wasn't she?"
(Rimshot)


(Barnabas and Julia open the coffin and find a living Quentin inside)
"(Barnabas) Quentin! Thank God!"
"(Quentin) Pant, pant, pant..."
"(Julia) So, what is this? Like your 4th time to be buried alive now?" *
"(Quentin) No, only the 3rd!.. And to think Elizabeth was the one who used to be afraid of this!" **
* Episodes 720, 964 and 1107.

** Episodes 513-673.


(In the Tower Room, Daphne paces)
"(Daphne) Ghosts! Vampires! Time Travellers! Occult Ceremonies! If I ever get just ONE quiet day to myself, I'm going to spend the whole day shopping for shoes!"


(David and Hallie enter)
"(Daphne) Tad!"
"(David) Daphne!"
"(Daphne) Carrie!"
"(Hallie) Daphne!"
"(Daphne) Tad!"
(pause)
"(David) Oh, I guess it's my turn again."


(Gerard sneers his way in)
"(Hallie) Uh oh."
"(David) That was quick."
"(Hallie) The party's over."
"(David) This probably wouldn't do any good, but feel free to hug me real tight again if you think it would help."


Blank:
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"(Hallie) Miss Daphne, what are you doing in that dress again?"
(Gerard sneers over to the armoire, and takes out two Macy's boxes)
"(Daphne) Children. You must put these on."
"(David) Is this our punishment? He's going to dress us up like dweebs?"


"(Daphne) Of course not. These are clothes from your own time. You'd like to wear some sensible clothes again, instead of those bell bottoms and wide collar shirts and yarn vests and things."
(Gerard leaves the room, so as not to peek) *
"(David) Gosh yes! I'd take almost anything over 1970's clothes!"
(opens the boxes)
"(David) Er, except I don't think this pink dress goes with my eyes."
"(Hallie) Er, Tad? I think the dress is for me."
* He's Evil, but he's not a perv!


(Back in the Cemetery, Quentin is telling his story)
"(Quentin) It was weird! It was as though I… I became… the Quentin Collins of 1840."
"(Julia) You were possessed by him?"
"(Quentin) No, but I had all his memories and for a while I thought I was him. And one thing I distinctly remember was Gerard standing at the Tower Room window waving a Green Flag that signalled the Destruction of Collinwood!"
"(Barnabas) You remembered that? What, was Collinwood destroyed in 1840 too?"
"(Julia) Don't ask me. I've given up trying to understand this back story."


"(Barnabas) All right, you say Collinwood was destroyed after Gerard waved the Green Flag. How was it destroyed?"
"(Quentin) I don't know. The other Quentin was dead, or buried alive, or something like that while it was going on. But I think it summoned something which destroyed the house."
"(Julia) So in other words, waving the Green Flag was just like waving a Red Flag at a bull."
"(Quentin) That's what I think."
"(Julia) I wonder why he didn't just wave a Red Flag."
"(Barnabas) He was probably trying to confuse us."
"(Julia) It worked."


"(Julia) You know, this would be pathetic if it weren't so serious. Gerard has had 130 years to think this over, and all he could come up with was to re-enact the exact same things that happened in 1840. And to think we used to accuse Angelique of lacking imagination."
"(Quentin) Speaking of that, where are the children?"
"(Barnabas) We left them at the Old House."
"(Quentin) I can guarantee you they're not there now! Come on!"
"(Julia) No Quentin, it's okay. Willie is guarding them."
"(Quentin) Come on!"
(pause)
"(Julia) I see your point! Let's go!"


(In the Playroom, Rose Cottage is now a pile of ashes) *
* But the End Table it's sitting on is completely unsinged! TV Magic at work!


(Surveying his handiwork, Gerard permits himself a very faint smile)
"(Gerard) (to himself) Today Carrie's doll house, tomorrow her Easy-Bake Oven!"


(Outside the Playroom)
"(Barnabas) Well, you were right. The children weren't there."
"(Julia) I just hope you remember to let Willie out of that closet, Barnabas."
(Julia reaches for the door knob)
"(Quentin) No, no! You'd better let me do it, Julia."
"(Julia) Why?"
"(Quentin) If you open the door, the Playroom won't be there. It has to be opened by someone from 1840, or with the memories of someone from 1840, or something like that."
"(Barnabas) Weren't you alive in 1840, Julia?"
"(Julia) No, but YOU were! How come you've never been able to find the Playroom, Smart Guy??"


(Gerard disappears just before Quentin, Julia and Barnabas burst into the Playroom)
"(Barnabas) Great Kathryn Leigh Scott! It really is here! Just as it was in 1995!"
"(Julia) But the children aren't here."
"(Barnabas) Also just as it was in 1995!"
"(Quentin) Okay, quick! Look around for some Magic Doohickey that's the source of all Gerard's power that we can destroy to defeat him! In the movies there's always something like that in the main room."
"(Julia) Quentin, don't be absurd. This is a children's Playroom! If there were something like that here, the children would have accidentally destroyed it already!"


(Back in the Tower Room, the Fashions of 1840 rule the day once more)
"(David) You look good, Carrie. That dress is really to die for."
"(Hallie) That's what I'm afraid of!"


Blank:
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(Quentin, Julia and Barnabas burst in)
"(Barnabas) Daphne!"
"(Julia) Daphne!"
"(Quentin) What, you ditched the miniskirt??"


"(Daphne) Quentin! I’m so glad you’re safe!"
"(Quentin) And I'm so glad you are! Miniskirt or no!"
"(Julia) Hey, six inches, you two! We're not out of the woods yet."
"(Barnabas) Look at the clothes they're wearing, Julia! The same clothes from Maggie's box that you let slip through your fingers!"
"(Julia) That I let slip??? Ooooh, give me strength!"


"(Quentin) Look, no one is safe in this house tonight. Now listen to me, all of you. I’ve got to be alone with the children!"
"(Barnabas) Why, Quentin?"
"(Quentin) There's no time to explain now. Barnabas, you take Daphne and Julia to safety."
"(Barnabas) (grumbling) All right, but I don't like this."
"(Quentin) You’ve got to trust me, all of you! Don't you understand? I know what to do now! I've got the memories of someone from 1840 to guide me!"
"(Julia) (grumbling) Yeah, but the memories you have are from another Quentin Collins! Isn't twice nothing still nothing?"


(Barnabas, Julia, and Daphne leave the room)
(Quentin leads the kids to the window, and strikes a heroic pose)
"(Quentin) All right, Gerard! I’m here!!"
(Dramatic musical stinger)
"(Quentin) Hey! Thanks for the buildup!"


"(Quentin) All right, Gerard! I dare you! Appear to us now, and do whatever it is you're going to do! Go on! Destroy the house! We want you to!"
"(David) Er, Quentin!?"
"(Hallie) Is this really the time for Reverse Psychology?"


"(Quentin) All right, Gerard! If you won’t come out willingly, then I’ll force you out!"
(Quentin begins chanting)
"(Quentin) We seek the guidance of a star! A very special star!"
"(Joan Bennett) Did somebody call me!?"
"(Quentin) Not you, Elizabeth!!"


"(Quentin) We seek the guidance of a star! A star out in the cold of Time and Space!"
"(David) Gee!"
"(Quentin) Far out beyond the farthest star, where no man has gone before!"
"(Hallie) Gosh!"
"(Quentin) A star that is responsible for the guidance not of two, but of four children. For David Collins and Hallie Stokes are the ancestral twins..."
"(Hallie) Astral twins."
"(Quentin) Astral twins, sorry, of Tad and Carrie who stand before me now! Only by the light of the star was their possession possible, and only by the light of the star can it be ended!"
"(David) Uh Quentin, what are you doing?"
"(Hallie) I can feel something happening!"
"(Quentin) Spirits, hear me now! Spirits, depart these bodies which you now inhabit!"
(long pause)
"(Carrie, in David's body) NOW you've done it!"
"(Tad, in Hallie's body) GOOD one, Quentin!"
"(Quentin) D'oh!"


Blank:
-


(Gerard appears)
"(Quentin) So, you've decided to show your ugly mug, have you?"
(Gerard sneers, and stares, puzzled at a coffee cup in his hand)


"(Quentin) You've lost, Gerard! It's all over! Do you understand? There's only one way you can fight me now!"
(Gerard grabs Quentin by the throat)
"(Quentin) That's the way!"
(Gerard chokes Quentin unconscious, deposits him on a nearby cot, and opens up the armoire, revealing an entire row of colored flags)
"(Gerard) (to himself) Let's see. Black Flag, that's for roaches. White Flag for surrender. Red Flag for Communists. Ah, here we are. Green Flag for wiping out the Collins family."
(Gerard picks out the Green Flag, which we now see has a large dollar sign emblazoned on it)


(Gerard takes the Green Flag to the window and waves it three times)
WAVE! WAVE! WAVE!
"(Gerard) (to himself) Too bad for them they never thought of destroying this. It's the one way they could have stopped me!"


Blank:
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(In the Lovable Rogues Section, five zombies rise up from their graves from what looks like about six inches of dirt)
"(Zombie) Hey Charlie? You coming?"
"(Charlie) Yeah, some wise guy buried me in a coffin. I'll catch up with you in a minute."


(Six Zombies rise from their graves and begin to march on Collinwood)
"(Five Zombies) Brains!... Brains!..."
"(Charlie) Liver!"
(the others stare at him)
"(Charlie) I just felt like something a little different!"


(Meanwhile, Barnabas and Julia rush back to the Tower Room)
"(Barnabas) So, how did it go?"
"(Quentin) Miserably. I failed."
"(Julia) That's all right, our hopes weren't high."
"(Quentin) I failed to restore David and Hallie. Failed to stop Gerard waving the flag. And now the children are gone again too."
"(Barnabas) Well, I'm afraid we didn't do much better. Daphne even slipped through our fingers while my back was turned. She's gone too."
"(Quentin) How about you kick me in the pants, then turn around and I'll kick you."
"(Barnabas) Good idea."


"(Julia) I don't really understand all this. What's the actual significance of Gerard waving a Green Flag?"
"(Quentin) It means that The Destruction of Collinwood is beginning now!"
"(Julia) And we left Quentin alone to prevent that??? Ooooooh, better kick me too!"


(Meanwhile in the Playroom)
"(Carrie, in David's body) My dollhouse!"
"(Tad, in Hallie's body) Well... don't feel too bad. At least it looks like the real Rose Cottage again."


(Daphne rushes in)
"(Daphne) Children! Thank goodness you're all right!"
"(Tad, in Hallie's body) Well, that's a matter of opinion."
"(Daphne) Gasp!"
(Daphne spots Gerard on the far side of the room)
"(Carrie, in David's body) What's happening??"
"(Tad, in Hallie's body) I think he's going to kill us."
"(Carrie, in David's body) Kill us?? But he brought us to life again!"
"(Tad, in Hallie's body) Well, of course he did. He couldn't kill us unless he brought us to life first!"
"(Daphne) Gerard, no!! Please, don't take the children, Gerard! Take me!"
(Gerard advances menacingly)
"(Daphne) No, I meant take me INSTEAD!"


Blank:
-


(Downstairs, the Zombies enter Collinwood)
"(Mrs. Johnson) Wipe your feet before coming in here, you... Waaaah!!!"


(the Zombies fan out and begin smashing furniture, portraits, and bric-a-brac)
"(Bob Lloyd) Aren't those the same zombies who attacked the house during the Leviathan Story? * I'm pretty sure I recognize the bald-headed Tor Johnson lookalike."
"(Ken McEwen) Yeah, I think you're right. How'd you like to be the kind of actor that people naturally thought of whenever there was a casting call for Zombies?"
* Episode 962.


(Quentin rushes back to the Playroom...)
"(Quentin) Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!"


(...where a grisly sight awaits him) *
* Or at least as grisly as Broadcast Standards will allow.


(Quentin finds the children laid out on the floor)
"(Quentin) Tad! Tad, are you all right???"
"(Tad, in Hallie's body) Well, at least I won't get any worse..."
(Dies)
"(Carrie, in David's body) Don't look at me, I'm already dead."
(Dies)


(Quentin finds Daphne on the floor nearby, bleeding profusely) *
"(Quentin) Daphne! Daphne, are you all right??"
GLARE!
"(Daphne) I... (Cough, cough) don't think so..."
"(Quentin) Well, is there anything I can do for you?"
"(Daphne) Yes... (Cough, cough) If I don't make it... (Cough, cough) Please don't let Shelly Hack replace me!"
* Again, Broadcast Standards require that you kind of imagine that part.


"(Quentin) Oh, Daphne! Daphne, I'm so sorry! I've failed you!"
"(Daphne) Well, I'm not too thrilled about it (Cough, cough) either..."
"(Quentin) The children are dead too!"
"(Daphne) Oh no!"
"(Quentin) Why couldn't I have saved you? I'm so sorry... I'm not good for anything... Except my winning smile, baby blue eyes, broad husky shoulders, movie star good looks, and the fact that I'm so good in bed!"
"(Daphne) What the heck kind of apology is this??"
(Dies)


Blank:
-


(Downstairs, the Zombies are still reeking havoc in the Foyer. One is shattering all the porcelain, one is eating the Foyer clock, a third is ripping up Roger's long johns, while a 4th draws a mustache on the Barnabas portrait)


(The Foyer ceiling caves in, just like it was in 1995, bonking Tor Johnson on the head with a beam)
"(Tor) Ouch!"


(The Zombies continue ransacking the Foyer, presumably in search of Brains. One rips the Drawing Room doors off their hinges. One stomps on the statue of the man with the hoe. Tor picks up a gold cigarette case, and furtively puts it in his pocket for later)


(Barnabas and Julia appear on the landing in time to witness the sacking of Collinwood)
"(Barnabas) Good Lord!"
"(Julia) That's not good!"
(the Zombies spot them)
"(Fred) Brains!"
"(Charlie) Woman!"
"(Barnabas) It looks like they're after both of us, Julia!"
"(Julia) Thanks a LOT!"


(Barnabas and Julia hastily Exit Stage Left)
"(Julia) Woob-woob-woob-woob-woob!"


(Four zombies take off after Barnabas and Julia while two remain behind to continue pillaging)
"(Tor) This getting boring, Miles. From now on, ME loot, you pillage."


(In the Playroom, Quentin is still grieving over Daphne's body)
"(Quentin) This would have to happen on a Thursday! Where am I going to get a date for Friday now??"


Blank:
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(Quentin leaves out, nearly tripping over Hallie's body)
"(Quentin) Oops. Sorry about that, Hallie."
"(Kathleen Cody) I'm dead, remember?"


(Outside the Playroom, Quentin runs into Barnabas and Julia, fleeing from the Zombies)
"(Julia) Quentin, what's wrong?? Apart from the obvious?"
(Barnabas holds the door shut as the Zombies try to break through)
"(Quentin) (shellshocked) They're dead. They're all dead. Daphne, the children, Gerard... Well, he was already..."
"(Julia) Oh no! No!"
"(Quentin) This house belongs to the dead now! Get out while you still can! I'm going to go off and get drunk... Drunker!"


(As Quentin ambles away in a daze in order to be found aimlessly wandering the woods tomorrow, *, the Zombies make match sticks of the door Barnabas was barricading)
SMASH!
"(Barnabas) Er, now look here. I'm Undead too. Can't we sit down and talk this over?"
"(Julia) Barnabas! You can't talk to these people! If they had any brains, would they be looking for them??"
* Just as you were told in 1995 that they found him! Ha! Continuity!


"(Barnabas) Stand back, Julia! I'll try to hold them off!"
(Barnabas winds up and wallops the nearest zombie)
KAPOW!
"(Barnabas) Are we in a Batman episode all of a sudden??"


(Barnabas continues trying to hold off his attackers)
"(Barnabas) Take that, you, you... Zombie!!" *
(Barnabas bites one of the Zombies in the neck, but gets no blood from it)
"(Barnabas) I suppose I should have seen that coming."
* His repartee isn't very good."


(Barnabas gets Ready to Rumble)
"(Barnabas) Hi-keeba!"
(Barnabas gets Down and Dirty)
"(Barnabas) It's clobbering time!"
(Barnabas fights with Might and Main)
"(Barnabas) You no mess with Lo Wang!"
(Barnabas Cleans House)
"(Barnabas) You fight like a Dairy Farmer!"
"(Zombie) How appropriate. You fight like cow."
"(Barnabas) D'oh! He knows that one!"


"(Barnabas) Zlopp?????"


(Four Zombies grab Barnabas)
"(Barnabas) It's no use, Julia! There are too many of them! Quick! Throw the Holy Water! It will destroy them!"
"(Julia) But I haven't got it! I thought you had it!"
"(Barnabas) You thought I was carrying the Holy Water??? I suppose you thought maybe I drank it by mistake!!"


(Julia opens the Playroom Door, but the Playroom isn't there)
"(Julia) Barnabas, look! The Stairway in Time has returned!"
"(Barnabas) There's no choice, Julia! You take it! I'll follow you as soon as I can!"
"(Julia) Whatever you say!"
(Julia beats a hasty retreat)
"(Barnabas) Hmm, I was rather hoping you'd fight me on that, at least a little."


(Barnabas continues trying to hold off the Zombies single-handed)
"(Barnabas) That's it! NOBODY unbuttons MY jacket!"


(Barnabas breaks free, and lunges for the doorway, only to find both the Stairway and the Playroom gone, and the Linen Closet returned)
"(Barnabas) Oh, fudge..."
(the Zombies grab Barnabas, throw him to the ground, and stomp a mud hole in him)
"(Barnabas) You know, it's occurred to me too late that I should have asked for a stuntman for this scene."


(Once again, Julia climbs the mysterious Stairway in Time)
"(Julia) What an invention! It helps you change history and get in shape, all at the same time."


Blank:
-


(Julia exits the Stairway and emerges back in the Playroom Corridor, which is now mysteriously devoid of the Zombies, Barnabas, and electric lighting)
"(Julia) Uh oh. I don't think we're in Kansas any more, Toto!"


Blank:
-


(Hearing a noise, Julia hides back in the Playroom again as a girl walks by)
"(Julia) It's Hallie!... No, it's not. It's Carrie! And look at that dress she's wearing! That settles it! I'm in the 19th Century... Why, this gives us another chance to change what happened in 1995, so we can change what happened in 1970, so we can change..."
(pause)
"(Julia) I wish that Stairway had taken me back to this morning, because I know now I shoulda stood in bed!"


"(Julia) There's no time to do any more today. Nothing to do now but wait for the commercial."
(Julia furtively stares at Carrie, while Carrie stares at the teleprompter, until the inevitable fade to black)


Blank:
-


"(Ken McEwen) We're sending a pretty old Alice to Wonderland this time."
(Julia whacks him with her purse)


(Outside, Quentin is wandering through the woods looking for Daphne)
"(Quentin) Chloe!!!!!"
"(Barnabas) You know, I think I liked him better before he was on our side!"


"(Bob Lloyd) You know, it has to be said: This is the most trouble the family has ever gotten into that wasn't Angelique's fault."


"(Kathleen Cody) And be sure to check out my Facebook Group, "Kathleen Cody Fan Group", for all your "The Making of the Summer 1970 Story" questions."
"(Bob Lloyd) Yes, didn't the story actually stretch into Autumn?"
"(Kathleen Cody) Except that one!"


"(Kate Jackson) With all the Charlie's Angels ribs, I don't remember one single Scarecrow and Mrs. King gag this whole story."
"(Ken McEwen) Dan's still mad at Bruce Boxleitner for turning down the Sebastian Shaw role."


"(Bob Lloyd) So, somebody explain to me why they can't just get out the Pentagram and Candles and bring Daphne back to life again?"
"(Ken McEwen) Shh! You're not supposed to remember that!"


"(Bob Lloyd) Wrecking Crew courtesy of the P.S. 666 3rd Grade Class..."


"His fault! This story is all his fault!"
"Quiet, Quentin!"


Blank:
-


"(Henry Kaplan) Can we avoid Foyer scenes for the next couple of days? It's going to take a little time to put this place back together."


"(Dan Curtis) Remember all that stuff about Tad and Carrie and the Ghost Pirates and the Java Queen? Well, you can forget 'em because it will have next to nothing to do with the upcoming 1840 Story."


"(Bob Lloyd) No animals were harmed in the making of this episode. Only people."


"(Ken McEwen) Do the credits seem a little longer than usual today?"
"(Bob Lloyd) Yes, at the current rate of expansion, astronomers estimate that by the year 2016, the credits will take up 98% of the show."


"(Bob Lloyd) Zombie fashions by Ohr... What's that?... Heh, heh. Sorry, we have no idea where the Zombie clothes came from."


"(Bob Lloyd) Daylight Savings Time Tomorrow. Be sure to set your clocks back to 1840."


THE END
...of Dark Shadows Captions 16, but stay tuned for Dark Shadows Captions 17: The 1840 Story.


          Episode 1109:   Gerard kills the children, and signals an army of undead pirates which rise from their graves and destroy Collinwood. Julia enters the magical staircase through time, travelling back to the year 1840.