GET SMART

Episode 1 - Mr. Big

Written by Mel Brooks and Buck Henry

Directed by Howard Morris

Caption Version choreographed by Graeme Cree


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Narrator) This is Washington, DC. Somewhere in this city is the headquarters of a top secret organization known as Control. Its business is counter-espionage..."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Narrator) ...This is Symphony Hall, in Washington. Somewhere in this audience is one of Control's top employees. A man who lives a life of danger and intrigue..."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Narrator) ...A man who's been carefully trained never to disclose the fact that he is a secret agent."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(In Symphony Hall, a man is listening to Beethoven's 7th Symphony...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...when his shoe begins ringing; the nearby attendees all turn to look at him.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(He excuses himself, and gets up...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...leaves the concert hall...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and heads down the corridor...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...until he finds a nearby broom closet, which he enters.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(In the Broom Closet, he turns on the lights...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...removes his shoe...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and begins talking into it.)
"(Max) This is Smart. Maxwell Smart, Agent 86. Hello, Chief? Max. What's up?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) KAOS, eh? Yes, sir. I'll be right over."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max tries the door and finds it locked.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Uh..."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) I may be a few minutes late, Chief."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max hangs up, puts his shoe back on, and tries to break down the door.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Unsuccessful at this, he removes his gun and shoots the lock off...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Then emerges...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Makes his way to a dark Ferrari,...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...drives away...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Makes an immediate U-Turn,...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and pulls up at the building across the street,...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Which he enters.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Downstairs, an elevator...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...opens to reveal a hidden staircase inside.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max emerges from it...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and begins walking towards a closed metal door.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...which opens at his approach.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Behind it is another door which opens upwards...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Behind that is a set of jail cell bars, which turns out to be another door in disguise.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Behind the final door is a phone booth, which Max enters.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(He dials 3 digits...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and falls through a trapdoor in its floor. His Symphony Date is never seen again.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Below, Max enters the Chief's Office)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Hello, Max."
"(Max) Hi, Chief."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max gets his time-card, and punches in)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Good to see you again."
"(Max) Good to see you, Chief."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Well Chief, what's all the excitement about?"
"(Chief) Max, this is a big one. The fate of our entire nation may depend on it."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) You know here at Control, it's policy to assign cases in rotation. Well, it's your turn at bat."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Right."
(Max pounds his fist on the table for emphasis, and sprays the Chief with ashes.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) I'm terribly sorry, sir, it's just that I'm raring to go."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max dusts the Chief and table off, and puts the ashes in his pocket)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Max, let me give you a quick briefing. First of all, do you know what this is?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) I believe it's a photograph."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) It's a machine called the Inthermo, and it's capable of converting heat waves into immense destructive power. Now Max, it's been stolen, and its inventor, Professor Hugo Dante kidnapped from his Long Island laboratory."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Sounds like the KAOS operation is back in action, Chief."
"(Chief) Right. And their Mr. Big, whoever he is, has broadcast a demand for $100,000,000 ransom, or he'll use the Inthermo against our cities. Mr. Big must be stopped before he goes any further. Max, it seems to me..."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Just a minute, Chief. Isn't this top security?"
"(Chief) Yes."
"(Max) Well, shouldn't we activate the Cone of Silence?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) The Cone of Silence?"
"(Max) Yes."
"(Chief) All right, Max."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief, on the intercom) Hodgkins."
"(Hodgkins) Yes, sir?"
"(Chief) Activate the Cone of Silence."
"(Hodgkins, hesitantly) The Cone of Silence?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The Cone of Silence begins lowering)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) First of all, how much..."
(Max gestures him to wait until the Cone is completely lowered)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The Cone finishes lowering; Max gestures for the Chief to continue.)
"(Chief) How much do you know about KAOS?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) What did you say, sir?"
"(Chief) KAOS."
"(Max) What?"
"(Chief) KAOS!!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Oh, KAOS. Yes, of course. That's an international criminal organization that was founded... Oh, I think in 1957."
"(Chief) What was that?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) 1957."
"(Chief) What?"
"(Max) 57!"
"(Chief) Agent 57 is in Hong Kong."
"(Max) What?"
"(Chief) Hong Kong!"
"(Max) What about Hong Kong?"
"(Chief) What?"
"(Max) Hong Kong!!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Why are we talking about Hong Kong??"
"(Max) What?"
"(Chief) Huh?"
(The Chief activates the Intercom)
"(Chief) Hodgkins! Raise the Cone of Silence!"
"(Hodgkins) What???"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) RAISE THE CONE OF SILENCE!"
(The Cone raises)
"(Max) Perhaps we could just talk softly, sir."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Later...)
"(Chief) Max, let's get you set up with some special equipment. Would you please?"
(Max pushes a button and the city skyline slides aside, revealing it to be, not a really cheap set, as it first appeared, but really just a picture of the city skyline, meant to fool goodness-knows-who.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) What do you think you'll need?"
"(Max) Well Chief, this looks like a heavy case, but I think I'll just take the bare necessities. My bino-specs. My locker key. And my Baretta."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Max, take the Inflato-Coat with you."
"(Max) Oh Chief, it's the middle of summer. Besides, that's not even my size."
"(Chief) Hodgkins will issue one in your size. I want you to have one with you."
"(Max) Well okay Chief, if you say so."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Anything else?"
"(Max) Well, I think I'd like to take K-13 with me on this one. He's worked with me before, and he's proved useful."
(The Chief nods.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief, on the intercom) Hodgkins. Send in K-13."
"(Hodgkins) Yes, sir."
(A dog enters the Chief's office through a doggy door)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) How are you, boy? Well, are you ready for another one? Ah, this may be a tough one, fella. Think we can handle it? Remember, we're dealing with KAOS. If we fall into their hands, they'll show us no mercy. Think we can face excruciating torture?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Fang) Woof!"
(Fang runs back into his kennel)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Later)
(Max holsters his gun)
"(Chief) Agent 99 will meet you at the airport."
"(Max) Good. Uh, how will I know 99, Chief?"
"(Chief) 99 will find you. And use the following phrase: New York Mets Win Doubleheader."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Hey, I like that. New York Mets Win Doubleheader. That's very good."
"(Chief) 86, your mission is simple. Find KAOS and destroy it. Get Mr. Big. Rescue Professor Dante, and bring back the Inthermo."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) This may run into a little overtime, Chief."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Max, you realize that you'll be facing every kind of danger imaginable."
"(Max) And... LOVING it!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Yes."
(Max punches Fang and himself in)
"(Chief) Max. We're trained not to have any personal feelings. But I think you know that if I had any children, I'd like them to be like you and Fang."
"(Max) Thank you, Chief."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Chief) Good hunting, Max. And remember the code. New York Mets Win Doubleheader."
"(Max) That I'd like to see."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(In the airport...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(PA System) Flight 92, Transcontinental Airlines, now departing Gate 7."
(Max enters with Fang)
"(Max) Sit, boy. Come on. Sit. Sit. Good boy. Stay here."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max looks around)
"(Voice) New York Mets win doubleheader."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mother) You wait here. Mother will go check on our tickets."
"(Kid) Okay."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(After mom leaves, Max approaches the kid.)
"(Max) New York Mets Win Doubleheader."
"(Kid) That's right."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Any new developments from KAOS?"
(The kid looks at him like he's crazy.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) What about Dante and the Inthermo?"
(The kid still looks at him like he's crazy.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Are you 99?"
"(Kid) No, I'm 6½."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max walks away, disgusted.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max sits down on a bench, sees a newspaper, picks it up, reads the headline, and looks disgusted again.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Voice) New York Mets Win Double-Header."
"(Max) I know, I know!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Voice) But you don't understand. The score was 99 to 86."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Are you 99?"
"(99) Uh huh. 86?"
"(Max) Yes."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) I uh, thought you'd want to get right out to Professor Dante's laboratory at the Cravehaven."
"(Max) Good."
"(99) I spoke to Zelinka. That's his assistant. She's expecting us."
"(Max) Excellent."
"(99) I have a car outside. Follow me."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Hold it. I think I'm being followed. There's a man right behind you."
"(99) Where?"
"(Max) Don't turn around, but you can see him through my mirrored cufflinks."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) Who's he?"
"(Max) Probably a reception committee from KAOS. You wait here."
"(99) What are you going to do?"
"(Max) I'm going to use my locker key."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max goes to the row of lockers, and opens one to show the head of a man inside)
"(Max) 34?"
"(34) Yes, 86."
"(Max) Man behind me."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max glances back at the man who glances at him.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Gun under his raincoat. Probably KAOS agent. Put Plan Y-14 into effect. 99 and I will act as decoys. All right?"
"(34, smoothely) All right."
(Max closes the locker, goes back to 99 and takes his coat.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) The plan is Y-14. Let's go."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max and 99 start to leave, walking past the row of lockers.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The KAOS agent follows them, and gets a locker door in the face.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(A lower locker opens, and the KAOS agent is dragged inside.)
(Fade to Commercial)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Outside Cravehaven Laboratories...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Max's limo pulls up, and is admitted.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Inside)
"(Zelinka) This is one of the best experimental laboratories in the world. We have all the finest equipment."
(A lab tech shows her a clipboard)
"(Zelinka) Oh, try it again at 700 c.c.m.'s."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Say, isn't this the Inthermo?"
"(Zelinka) Oh no, that's only a dummy model of the stolen Inthermo."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Zelinka) But it can be used to demonstrate how the basic principle of thermal concentricity holds true. Actually, the dynamics of the catalytic phenomena is expressed in direct ratio to its original molecular conclusion."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Yes. Well, perhaps we should get on to something else."
"(99) I'd like to know exactly where you were when Professor Dante was abducted."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) If you don't mind, 99, I'd like to handle this myself."
"(99) Right."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) I'd like to know exactly where you were when Professor Dante was abducted."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Outside)
"(Max) You came outside and you saw them struggling with Professor Dante. Exactly where did that take place?"
"(Zelinka) The car was over there by the bushes."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Fang pulls something out of the bushes.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) Look, he's found something."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) Come here, Fang. Here, boy. What have you got, boy? Come here?"
"(Zelinka) Oh, it's only an old banana peel. Why don't you give it to me, I'll throw it away."
(The peel snaps as Zelinka tries to take it)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) Wait... a minute."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(99 examines it)
"(99) That's funny. It's made of rubber."
"(Max, taking it) Here, let me see that. A rubber banana peel!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Hmm. A rubber banana. That's strange. Wait a minute. There's something written on this. (reads it) Sou Stre Nov."
"(99) What could that mean?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max pulls it to read it better)
"(Max) South... Street... Novelty... Inc."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) South Street. That's down by the waterfront."
"(Max) You know something? They could very easily have dropped this when they abducted the Professor. 99, you'd better get the car. I think we should follow this up."
"(99) Right."
(99 leaves.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) You know, this may be our first real lead. But why a rubber banana? Thank you, Zelinka."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max leaves, Zelinka smiles evilly.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(By the Limo)
"(Max) But why a rubber banana peel?"
(Max pulls it, and accidentally lets go of one end, sending it flying) "
"(Fang) Yip!"
"(Max) Sorry, Fang."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) 86, quick! KAOS is broadcasting."
"(Mr. Big, on the car radio) ...we will offer a practical demonstration of the Inthermo's enormous power. At 4 o'clock this afternoon, in full view of downtown Manhattan, we will destroy a great public figure. This is K.A.O.S., signing off."
"(99) A great public figure at 4 o'clock this afternoon. What time is it now?"
"(Max) 2:20! That gives us exactly one hour and 40 minutes, and nothing to go on but a rubber banana peel."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Step on it! Here, boy."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max gets in the car, Fang gets in after him and jumps on his lap, keeping him from closing the door.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The car leaves the lab, with Max still trying to close the door,...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...quite unsuccessfully.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The car drives through city streets, with the door still open.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max manages to close the door just as the car pulls up to the South Street Novelty Company)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(No Caption necessary)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Upstairs, a man is on the phone)
"(Garth) It's all set. Smart's on his way up. Move into position."
(hangs up)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Garth goes to the window, and takes sightings with a sextant...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...then draws foot marks on the floor in chalk.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max, 99 and Fang enter.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Garth) Yes?"
"(Max) I believe this is one of your rubber banana peels. I'd like to know when it was purchased, and by whom. I'd appreciate it if you'd make it snappy, we're in kind of a hurry."
(Garth takes the peel and goes to the filing cabinet.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max goes to the window)
"(Garth) Ah, this looks like it."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Garth brings a folder to Max, puts it down on the window sill, then walks away.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Garth) You'll probably find what you're looking for on Page 8."
(Max takes the folder, and looks through it.)
"(Max) I don't see anything here."
"(Garth) Here."
(Garth positions Max on the chalk marks.)
"(Max) Where?"
"(Garth) Here."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(As Garth begins signaling out the window, a whirring sound begins.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Fang perks up at the noise.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Fang knocks Max out of the way...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Leaving Garth in the path of the beam...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Where he is immediately Inthermoed.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Fang) Woof!"
"(Max) Are you all right, 99?"
"(99) Uh huh. How about you?"
"(Max) Yes, fortunately, Fang knocked me out of the way just in time."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) That was a close one."
(99 removes her chauffeur's cap.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Yes, now we've got exactly... 10..."
(Max looks at her)
"(Max) Why, you're a girl!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) Yes."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(They move closer as if to kiss.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Fang) Woof! Woof!"
"(99) He's right."
"(Max) Yes, I suppose so."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) We've got exactly 10 minutes to stop them from using that Inthermo again."
"(99) Well, the beam must have come from somewhere out in the harbor."
(Max walks back to the window)
"(99) Be careful!"
"(Max) Yes, well I don't seem to see anything down there. There's nothing out there but that old garbage scow."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) But there's something funny about that old scow... I've got it! Seagulls!"
"(99) Oh!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) But there are no seagulls."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Exactly. Did you ever see an old garbage scow without seagulls hovering over it? Let me take a closer look."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(gets out his bino-specs and examines the scow)
"(Max) Of course, that's it! Rubber trash! They're using it for camouflage."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Professor Dante and the Inthermo are on that boat, or I'm not Smart."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) 99?"
(Looks at her, still wearing the bino-specs, she looks at him, surprised)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Oh. We've got to get down there, grab one of those dinghies, and get on that boat before they use that darn thing again."
"(99) Right!"
"(Max) Come on."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Minutes later, on The Scow)
"(Max) Good. They're below deck. Keep low, and keep quiet."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Four armed KAOS hoods in wetsuits pop up out of the garbage.)
"(Thug) Toss the gun overboard."
(Max complies)
"(Gun) Splash!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) The Old Garbage Trick, eh? That's the second time it's been pulled on me this year."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Thug) Mr. Big wants to see you."
(The thugs usher them below decks)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Below Decks, Mr. Big Awaits.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) So, you're Mr. Big."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) So, you're Maxwell Smart."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) At last we meet face to face."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) Make yourselves comfortable."
(Mr. Big snaps his fingers, and the hoods force Max and 99 into chairs.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) What an unexpected and delightful pleasure to have the illustrious Maxwell Smart as my guest. Will you have a drink?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) Oh... Uh, no."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) Well, perhaps a cigarette."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max takes one and sees that its stature matches that of Mr. Big.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big, lighting it) It's a truly magnificent blend. Specially imported for me from Heidelberg."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max takes one puff, and extinguishes the now-consumed butt in the ashtray.)
"(Max) Very good."
"(Mr. Big) I see that what your organization lacks in strategy, it more than makes up in loveliness."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max, embarrassed) Thank you."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) Take them below and make them as uncomfortable as possible."
"(Max) Now, wait a minute. I have an alternate plan."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Zelinka enters)
"(Max) Zelinka!"
"(99) Of course! That explains why it was so easy for them to kidnap the Professor."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) Is there anything else you wish to say?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) You're very clever, my charming little friend. But not clever enough."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) You see, the moment I suspected there was something wrong with this old scow, I immediately telephoned headquarters. And I happen to know that at this very minute, seven Coast Guard cutters are converging on this boat. Would you believe it? Seven!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) I find that pretty hard to believe."
"(Max) Would you believe six?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) I don't think so."
"(Max) How about two cops in a rowboat?"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) You're stalling, Mr. Smart. Take them below."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Down below, 99 is chained to the bulkhead by two hoods.)
"(99) No!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Thug) All right, Smart. Get your hands up. Up!"
(Max raises his hands, and is chained to the bulkhead also.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Thug) That'll hold you."
(They leave)
"(Max) Are they gone?"
"(99) Right."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max's real hands unbutton his raincoat.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Well, the Chief was right about the Inflato-Coat. Now, they've got Professor Dante tied up in the other room, so here's what we'll do."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Whirring sound)
"(99) Wait a minute. What's that?"
"(Max) They must be warming up the Inthermo."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max looks out a porthole and sees the Statue of Liberty.)
"(Max) So, that's their target."
"(99) What?"
"(Max) Miss Liberty herself."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Okay 99, here's the plan. I'll untie Fang and release the Professor. You knock over the guard and take his gun."
"(99, starting to leave) Right!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(double take)
"(99) Max!!"
"(Max) Well, it's just that I'm so good at knots."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max leaves, and 99 begins untying Fang.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(On the bridge, Mr. Big looks through the scow's periscope.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) Excellent, we're right on target."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Above deck, a hatch cover opens...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max and 99 exit with a rifle...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...followed by 99, Fang and Professor Dante.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(On the bridge)
"(Thug) Smart's escaped!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Above deck, Max lets out a stream of automatic weapons fire at the bridge.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The thugs duck and cover.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max's gun stops firing.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) It's jammed."
(tosses the gun aside)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Okay, Professor. Now, let's deactivate that Inthermo."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Mr. Big) Get Smart, you fools!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The wetsuited thugs come out on deck.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max Field-Goals one of them...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Then dives down on the deck to attack all three,...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...While 99 and Zelinka square off amongst the phony trash astern.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Insert Batman-style Biff! and Pow! logos here)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max pushes one unconscious thug into a window, then helps another woozy one to the side...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...where he pushes him into the water.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Equally matched amid the trash on the stern, 99 and Zelinka are having a rubber match.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Gaining the upper hand, 99 hip-tosses Zelinka.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Meanwhile, a thug tries to clobber Max with a club.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Catching it, Max and the Thug both flash back to their childhoods, and, mistaking the club for a baseball bat, begin choosing up sides.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Remembering first that this is actually a fight, Max knocks the thug into the water...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...with a splash.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Zelinka gets the upper hand on 99...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and begins choking her out.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99's Voice) Help! Maxwell, help!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Before Max can get there, 99 helps herself, pushing Zelinka into the harbor.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max observes this, unaware that the thug he knocked into the window is coming up behind him.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(99) Max, look out!"
(Max breaks off a nearby pole...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and uses it to knock the final thug into the harbor.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
KER-SPLASH!
(With apologies to Batman)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Did you deactivate the Inthermo?"
"(Professor Dante) Well, I couldn't do it. You see, the nuclear pile was frozen."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) I've got to stop that madman!"
"(Professor Dante) No, no, no, no, no. When I could not deactivate it, I reversed it to self-destruction. So, when the man will press the button, the ship will become one big blazing inferno."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Dante) Ah! That's what I meant to call it! Dante's Inferno!"


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Can you swim, Professor?"
"(Professor Dante) No. But I am familiar with Archimede's principle of displacement of water..."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Max pushes him into the harbor before he can explain further.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(99 jumps in too)
"(Max) Come on, Fang!"
(Max and Fang follow the others)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(On the bridge, Mr. Big gets Lady Liberty in his sights...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Presses the Fire Button...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...And sends the scow up in a blazing inthermo... er, inferno.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(In the dinghy, the others are showered with water, debris, and rubber garbage.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Well. That's the end of Mr. Big."
(99 nods)
"(Max) If only he could have turned his evil genius into... niceness."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(99 finds this comment to be more than a bit odd.)
(fade to black)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(TAG Scene)
"(Max) Well, I'd better let the Chief know."
(Takes off his shoe phone, and dials.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) Smart here. Maxwell Smart. Mission accomplished. Professor Dante rescued. KAOS destroyed."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
"(Max) ...And I take great pride in saying that the forces of evil have once again been foiled in their attempt to extinguish the torch of liberty..."
(99 strikes a heroic pose)
"(Max) What? Sorry."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(99 looks quizzically)
"(Max) Wrong number."


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Theme music)
(Beneath Control Headquarters...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...Max re-emerges from the phone booth,...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...exits...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and begins the walk....)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...back up...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...the long...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...corridor.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(Reaching the end, he turns...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...and watches the doors close, one by one.)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(The final door fails to close. As Max approaches it to see what's wrong, it begins to close belatedly,...)


Mel Brooks & Buck Henry:
(...delivering unto him a nasty bop on the proboscis. Max turns away, wincing.)


Graeme Cree:
EPILOGUE: As punishment for his vile deeds, Mr. Big was sentenced to appear in one of the worst Star Trek episodes of all time.