Groucho Marx
Groucho Marx


Star Trek

by Graeme Cree

Many years ago I acquired a phonograph album containing two episodes of Groucho Marx's legendary comedy quiz show, You Bet Your Life. Two of the contestants on one of the shows were two twin brothers from Australia, named Tom & Ted LeGarde. They were very young, inexperienced, and didn't do very well on the quiz, but made great guests anyway. End of story. Or so I thought.

Many years later but still long ago, I happened to be glancing through a Trek book (probably Bjo Trimble's Star Trek Concordance), when my eyes came to rest on the credits for the episode I, Mudd (an episode involving lovable rogue Harry Mudd stranded on a planet containing thousands of identical androids) and what should I see but a note saying that the "Herman" series of androids was played by none other than... Ted and Tom LeGarde! Well, I hadn't even realized there was a Herman series. None had been listed in the onscreen credits. Yes, I knew one had been mentioned, but thought that was just a throwaway line. Hadn't Kirk even made some comment about Harry's lack of interest in male androids? I checked a tape though, and sonofagun, they were there.

I basically sat on my keister with this interesting factoid for several more years. But in that time, with the public hunger for more Trek going largely unsatisfied by the plethora of low-grade Paramount clones, knockoffs, spinoffs, and the like, and with even the janitors and cleaning ladies from the original being approached for their memories of working on that legendary series, the thought has slowly dawned that here I have, in effect, a never before published interview by two never-before-interviewed Star Trek extras. Not just an interview, but an interview Groucho style. This was simply too good not to share. Action was called for. And if you define "action" as buying a copy of the I, Mudd DVD, making a few appropriate screengrabs, transcribing a copy of the LeGarde appearance on You Bet Your Life, and pouring the whole thing into an el quickie webpage, then "action" has now been taken.

Tom (or Ted) LeGarde?
I, Mudd

Ted (or Tom) LeGarde?

Ted, Tom and two unidentified friends

"(Spock) If I recall, Doctor, they were named Groucho,
Harpo, Chico, Zeppo, and... Dumbo."
"(McCoy) Gummo!! Ha, ha, pay up, Spock!"

Tom & Ted in leotards
Imagine if the boys in the Outback could see this!

Herman 23
"You are Number 23."
"I am not a number, I am a free... uh, robot!"

Herman 81
(Considering these guys are from Australia,
shouldn't this really be the Bruce series?)

You Bet Your Life logo
Excerpt from You Bet Your Life,
broadcast December 16, 1957

GROUCHO:   George, what have you got now? Baffle me.

GEORGE FENNEMAN:   I think this will, too. We have a couple of brothers on deck now, they're Ted and Tom LeGarde, so boys, will you please come in and meet... Groucho Marx.

GROUCHO:   Welcome to You Bet Your Life. Say the secret woid and divide an extra hundred dollars. It's a common woid, something you see every day. Ted and Tom LeGarde. Quadruplets, eh?

BOTH:   (laugh)

TOM:   Twins.

GROUCHO:   I thought so because you're both wearing the same kind of necktie.

BOTH:   (laugh)

GROUCHO:   Where are you boys from?

TOM:   Well, we're from Mackay, North Queensland, Australia.

GROUCHO:   Is that the real McCoy?

BOTH:   (laugh)

TOM:   A lot of people call it "McKay", and a lot of people call it "McKai", it's...

(secret word trumpet blares, and the Secret Word duck lowers)

GROUCHO:   Well, you said the secret word, people... (rest drowned out in music)

GROUCHO:   You said the secret word, "people", so you and your father each get $50.

BOTH:   (laugh)

GROUCHO:   Here's fifty for you and fifty for you, dad. Are you married, Tom?

TOM:   No, we're single.

GROUCHO:   No, this is Tom, isn't it?

TOM:   I'm Tom.

GROUCHO:   Oh, you're Tom. Well, are you married?

TED:   No, we're not married.

GROUCHO:   You're not married, either?

TOM:   No, we're both single.


TED:   Well, if we meet....

TOM:   ...a couple of twins... girls we like....

GROUCHO:   A couple of twins? You mean you want four?

BOTH:   (laugh)

TOM:   Twin girls. If we meet twin girls, we'll get married.

GROUCHO:   You would? Well, wouldn't it be confusing for twins to marry twins? You'd never know whether you were kissing your wife or squeezing your sister-in-law.


GROUCHO:   Well, what would you expect from your prospective brides?

TOM:   Well, we expect them to be able to cook, wash, clean...

TED:   Knit. Darn socks. Likes to stay home, you know, and...

TOM:   ...Not to be the boss.

GROUCHO:   In other words, what you fellows are looking for are unpaid domestics.

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

TED:   Well, uh...

GROUCHO:   Well kids, you can forget it. You'll never get married. American girls like to cook, wash and clean, but not the way YOU want.

BOTH:   (laugh)

GROUCHO:   What they want to do is cook their husband's goose, wash their hands of the kids, and clean out the joint bank account.

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

GROUCHO:   I want to thank every bachelor in the audience... even a couple of married men are applauding. What did you do over there in "Austrylia" (pronounces it with an accent)?

TED:   Well, we worked on a...

GROUCHO:   Ted? You're Ted?

TED:   I'm Ted, yes.

GROUCHO:   Then you must be Tom.

TOM:   That's right.

TED:   Groucho, aren't you going to ask me the question?

TOM:   Yes.

TED:   I'll answer the question.

GROUCHO:   Yeah, you keep your trap shut, will ya?

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

GROUCHO:   I've changed my mind, I want to ask you the question.

BOTH:   (laugh)

GROUCHO:   What did you do over there?

TOM:   Well...

GROUCHO:   I've skipped again, I want to go back to you.

TED:   Well, we were born on a farm, and we cut cane until we were 13.

GROUCHO:   You cut Cain until you were 13?

TED:   Mmm hmm.

GROUCHO:   Where was Abel while this was going on?

TOM:   Sugar cane.

GROUCHO:   Oh, sugar cane. Well, I cut school until I was 40.

TOM:   Well, we left home when we were 15, and went to work on a cattle station...

GROUCHO:   What's that?

TED:   It's like a ranch.

TOM:   It's like a ranch.

GROUCHO:   Oh, a ranch.

TOM:   We used to, uh... drove cattle, round up cattle, dip and earmark, and brand and innoculate cattle. It was pretty rough...

TED:   Pretty rough... job.

TOM:   They used to wake us up with the kookaburras, that uh...

GROUCHO:   They used to wake you up with the what?

TOM:   Kookaburras. About four o'clock in the...

GROUCHO:   What's a kookaburra? Is that an alarm clock?

TOM:   No, it's a bird.

TED:   It calls out.

TOM:   It's a bird.

GROUCHO:   A bird calls out?

TED:   Yes.

GROUCHO:   Is this trained, or...?

TED:   Tom calls like a kookaburra.

GROUCHO:   Let's hear.

TOM:   (does a very noisy bird call)

AUDIENCE:   (applauds)

GROUCHO:   That wouldn't get me out of bed, that would get me under the bed!

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

GROUCHO:   Why did you do this?

TOM:   Well, we thought it would be like the movies.

GROUCHO:   You thought working on a cattle ranch would be like the movies?

TOM:   We were 10 years old, Groucho, before we saw our first picture. Mom drove us into town, it was a... we used to live way out in the bush, 13 miles. Mom drove us into town in this old Sulky, it's a kind of a buggy. And we saw a picture, it was a cowboy picture. So we thought, well, that's what it would be like. But it was pretty tough...

TED:   It was rough. We used to only get..., three uh...

GROUCHO:   How much did you get?

TED:   Three quid a week.

TOM:   (whispers) Four pounds...

GROUCHO:   How much?

TED:   Three.

TOM:   Four. We used to get four pounds? Uh, four quid a week.

TED:   Three quid a week, we used to get.

TOM:   We got four quid a week.

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

TED:   (loudly) We used to get three quid a week, and our tucker!

GROUCHO:   You got your Tucker?

TED:   Yes.

GROUCHO:   I didn't know Sophie was in Australia at that time.

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

GROUCHO:   What did you do after that, Tom?

TOM:   Tucker is...

GROUCHO:   He got Sophie Tucker. What did... You got four quid and you got Tucker?

TOM:   We went to Bobawaba.

GROUCHO:   You went to where?

TOM:   Bobawaba.

GROUCHO:   Well, cut out the baby talk, you're both grown up men now...

TOM:   Bobawaba, and we competed in a rodeo. We... it was our first rodeo event. We broke our wrists, busted our knees, we had a real rough time, but at least we got our tucker, and our expenses; buckshee.

GROUCHO:   Buckshee, what's that? Is that anything like a quid?

TED:   (laughs)

TOM:   No, it's free.

TED:   It means Free.

TOM:   Buckshee means free.

GROUCHO:   Oh, gratis. Well, what are your plans now? What would you like to do?

TOM:   We'd like to get into the movies.

TED:   In the movies.

GROUCHO:   In the movies?

TOM:   Mmm hmm.

GROUCHO:   Well, the second show at the Pantagis starts at 9:50.

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

GROUCHO:   Let's see if you're qualified to be movie cowboys. Can you ride?

TED:   Yeah, yeah, we can ride.

GROUCHO:   Good?

TED:   Yes, fairly good.

GROUCHO:   Can you rope?

TED:   Yes.

TOM:   Well, not real good, but we can do a bit.

GROUCHO:   Can you bulldog a steer?

TOM:   Sure.

TED:   Yeah, yeah!

GROUCHO:   Can you steer a bulldog?

BOTH:   (laugh)

GROUCHO:   Well, if you can do all these things, you don't belong in Western movies. You belong on a TV panel show.


GROUCHO:   Well, it was nice having you up here, and you're real talented, and I wish you a lot of success, and I'm sure you're going to have it.

TOM:   Thanks.

TED:   Thanks, Groucho.

GROUCHO:   Now, let's see how well you can do on the quiz, and let's hope you do well. You selected Professions of Famous People. I'll ask you some questions. If you miss two in a row, you're out, if you get four in a row right, you win a thousand dollars. And remember, before you answer, talk it over with your brother.

TOM:   Righty.

GROUCHO:   Give me the profession of Chester W. Nimitz. N-I-M-I-T-Z.

TOM:   (whisper) Nimitz.

TED:   (whisper) You ever heard of Nimitz?

TOM:   (whisper) Never heard of the guy in my life.

TED:   Is he an American, Groucho?


TOM:   He's an American.

GROUCHO:   Such is fame.

TOM:   Well, let's take a guess at it. Nimitz, he's uh... anything to do with science?

GROUCHO:   He was the admiral of the Pacific Fleet, he was the head of the whole Pacific Fleet.

FENNEMAN:   Well, unfortunately you didn't know that, so you have one wrong.

TOM:   Righty.

GROUCHO:   If you don't know Nimitz, I'm afraid to ask you the next one.


GROUCHO:   All right, who was George Arliss?

TED:   George Arliss?

GROUCHO:   What was his profession?

TOM:   He was a, uh...

GROUCHO:   A-R-L-I-Double S.

TED:   George Arliss?

TOM:   Wasn't he in... Show Business! He was in show business!

GROUCHO:   Yes, that's right.

AUDIENCE:   (applauds)

FENNEMAN:   You're on the right track now. You have one right. Get three more right, and you win a thousand dollars.

GROUCHO:   You fellows make me nervous... What was Sir Arthur Sullivan's profession? (silence) Ohhh, why did you pick this??

TOM:   Well, all the categories were so...

TED:   ...Complicated.

GROUCHO:   Well, this is very simple, apparently.

(the wrong answer bell dings)

TED:   Uh...

TOM:   It's too late?

TED:   In Parliament. He's a parliamentarian!

GROUCHO:   Nooooo, Gilbert and Sullivan, the composers!

TED:   Oh!

GROUCHO:   What was Jan Paderewski's profession?

TOM:   Jan Paderewski, he was a great composer!

GROUCHO:   Yeah, well uh... YOU'RE RIGHT!

AUDIENCE:   (applauds)

FENNEMAN:   You have one right now.

GROUCHO:   (muttering) I'll find something on here...

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

GROUCHO:   Who was Les Darcy?

TOM:   Fighter!

TED:   Les Darcy, he's a great fighter!

GROUCHO:   From where?

TED:   From Australia!

GROUCHO:   That's right!

AUDIENCE:   (laughs and applauds)

FENNEMAN:   (laughing) You have two right now. Only two more to go.

GROUCHO:   Name the capital of Australia!


GROUCHO:   Canberra.

AUDIENCE:   (applauds)

FENNEMAN:   You have three right.

GROUCHO:   It's not on here, I just made that up. Les Darcy isn't on here either, you know.

BOTH:   (laugh)

GROUCHO:   All right, in what field is the name Frank Lloyd Wright famous?

TOM:   Frank... Lloyd... Wright.

TED:   Uh... Writer?

TOM:   (mutters something incomprehensible) (Wrong answer buzzer dings)

GROUCHO:   Probably the world's most famous architect.

TED:   Awwwwwww.

FENNEMAN:   Well, now we're back to one wrong again.

GROUCHO:   I think I'll go back to what was the capital of Australia.

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

FENNEMAN:   You have one wrong. Don't get this one wrong.

GROUCHO:   What did Vincent Van Gogh do? (silence) Van Gogh. G-O-G-H.

TOM:   In science? (wrong answer buzzer dings)

AUDIENCE:   (amused and surprised)

GROUCHO:   I don't know what he did in science, but that wasn't his profession.

TOM:   What was it?

GROUCHO:   He was a famous painter. Don't you remember, he cut off one of his ears? So he could see better.

FENNEMAN:   (apologetically) You've got two wrong in a row...

GROUCHO:   I'm sorry you missed two in a row, we certainly gave you many opportunities.

TED:   Sure, we appreciate it.

GROUCHO:   We don't want you to go away broke. You've won a hundred dollars, haven't you?

TOM:   Sure.

TED:   Already.

GROUCHO:   Well, here's a chance to win another hundred. Are you ready? (silence) No help from the audience, because this is a tough one:   From what large animal do we get whale bone?

AUDIENCE:   (laughs)

GROUCHO:   Panda Bear is right.

AUDIENCE:   (applauds)

ORCHESTRA:   (plays go-to-commercial music)

FENNEMAN:   We'll find out if our first couple will try for ten thousand dollars in just a moment!

  1. The only listing that The Internet Movie Database has for the LeGardes is as regulars on a 1963 series called Network, some kind of comedy/musical about which I can find no other information.
  2. I wonder whatever happened to these guys? We don't know when they came to America or how old they were, but the You Bet Your Life appearance was in 1957, and the I, Mudd appearance was 10 years later, and they had at least one acting job in between. Apparently they lived in California all that time, though they don't live there any more, at least as far as can determine. I wonder if they're alive or dead, and if so where, and if they ever married those twin girls they wanted to meet, or agreed among themselves about whether they got 3 or 4 quid a week.
  3. "Tucker" means food, of course. Apparently the job at this cattle station came with room and board.
  4. Quid is slang for a pound. The dictionary defines buckshee as "something extra obtained free, especially rations", or as a windfall or gratuity. Apparently the rodeo paid hotel and/or travel expenses to the contestants.
  5. Kookaburras: Some of you may remember an old kid's song that went:
    Kookaburra sits in the old gum tree,
    Eating all the gumdrops he can see.
    Stop Kookaburra, stop!
    Kookaburra, leave some there for me.
    That song and this show are the only times in my life that I ever remember hearing the name, and I'm wondering now why my grammar school would have taught us songs about Australian birds.
  6. I don't know what these two looked like in 1957, but they're really not identical any more by 1967. Makes you wonder how they got the job of twin androids. They probably weren't discovered on a street corner like the Andrece twins, Rhae and Alyce, who appeared in the same episode. Probably they were registered with the Screen Actors Guild as identical twins, and as such, were asked to come in, and the casting director decided that they were close enough, for two people who would just be standing in the background.
  7. Les Darcy, 1896-1917, was Australian Middleweight Champion, and a contender for the World Middleweight Crown. Here are a few links relating to him:

  8. Other famous people mentioned in the interview include:
    Sir Arthur Sullivan    1842-1900
    Vincent Van Gogh       1853-1890
    Jan Paderewski         1860-1941
    Frank Lloyd Wright     1867-1959
    George Arliss          1868-1946
    Chester W. Nimitz      1885-1966
    Julius "Groucho" Marx  1890-1977

  9. The Sulky that Tom mentioned may have been made by these guys:

  10. In light of what these boys went on to do, Groucho's remark about the real "McCoy" was unusually prescient.
  11. For more information about the Marx Brothers, of which Groucho was one, try:

Hear Tom LeGarde do a Kookaburra call!

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