Captions VI

Chapter 92

          The Story So Far:   Orphan Victoria Winters, left on the steps of a Foundling Home at birth (in a basket, undoubtedly), has been mysteriously hired as family governess by the ultra-spooky Collins family of Collinsport, Maine, where she searches for clues to her real identity. While locked in a deserted room, she discovers an old ledger sheet issued by Collins lawyers, Garner & Garner, which contains the name "B. Hanscombe", a name remarkably similar to the name "Betty Hanscombe", whom Vicki already has reason to suspect might possibly maybe kinda-sorta have been her real mother, or at least know something about her, or something like that. Or not. Still, it's worth following up on, especially since there are no other clues anyway, and so Vicki makes the trip to Bangor to see what Garner or Garner may be able to tell her...

          The Cast:  

  • Victoria Winters:  a classically naive ingénue orphan governess.
  • Richard Garner:  Collins family lawyer.
  • Frank Garner:  Richard's youthful ward.
  • Burke Devlin:  One of many people railroaded by the Collins family over the years, but this one actually has the money to try to do something about it.
             For extra confusion, it's also the "screen name" of the person who wrote this chapter (a remnant from the days when these captions were contributed by several people in a public forum), and appears at the head of every non-blank caption.
  • Maitre d':  a real wise guy.
  • Miss Partridge:  Richard Garner's secretary. Dreams about going on a singing tour with her family and getting her own show.

              The Unseen Cast (Mentioned in this episode, but do not appear)  

  • Elizabeth Collins Stoddard:  Vicki's employer, who is definitely not covering up any information about Vicki's past. And if you don't believe it, just ask her.
  • Paul Stoddard:  Liz's husband, who deserted her 18 years ago, after which time, Liz became a kind of high-class hermit.
  • Roger Collins:  Liz's spineless brother,
  • David Collins:  Roger's Devil Tot son.
  • Carolyn Stoddard:  Liz's daughter.
  • Matthew Morgan:  The only servant at Collinwood other than Vicki. Imagine a gorilla that's been shoved into a pair of jeans and a shirt, and strategically shaved. The archetypal big dumb guy who warns newcomers to places like Collinwood that it isn't healthy (sorry, "ain't healthy") to ask too many questions. Dark Shadows' answer to Tor Johnson.
  • Bill Malloy:  The late Bill Malloy was the plant manager of Elizabeth's cannery before his recent mysterious death in an incident that has little to do with this episode. Coincidentally, everyone at the cannery called him "the late" even when he was alive, especially at about 8:15 in the morning.

              Running Jokes:  

  • Vicki is legendary for telling cripplingly boring stories about her search for her real parents, and her days in the Home. Also has the odd habit of narrating in the most unusual places.
  • Garner & Garner, the Collins lawyers, also put out a family newsletter, called The Party Line, aka The Garner Report, (known facetiously by some as The Daily Coverup), in which they provide the "official" version of recent events at Collinwood, in cases when letting the real truth out wouldn't do at all. For example, if a character got pregnant and had to disappear for a while (not that that could have happened on 60's TV, but you get the idea), they might print a story saying that she'd gone on a round-the-world cruise. The joke here, being that people actually on the scene need to be told what's been happening in their own home by people a hundred miles away.

    And now, on with the show...

    BurkeDevlin: (Graeme Cree)
    (In the Law Offices of Garner & Garner...)
    "My name is Victoria Winters. For the first time since I have come to live at Collinwood, I am away from the gloomy mansion I now call home. Waiting to see a man who may be able to help me in my search for my identity..."
    "(Secretary) Miss, could you please stop doing that? You're scaring away our other clients!"

    "(Richard Garner) Miss Partridge, I'll see Miss Winters now."
    "(Secretary) You'll be sorrrrrry!"
    "(Richard) ???"


    "(Richard) Well Miss Winters, welcome to Bangor. This is an unexpected pleasure."
    "(Vicki) You know who I am?"
    "(Richard Garner) Of course."
    "(Vicki) Well, then please tell me who am I."
    "(Richard Garner) You're Victoria Winters, the young lady Elizabeth Stoddard engaged to tutor her nephew, David. She's told me all about you."
    "(Vicki) No, I mean where did I come from before I ended up in that Foundling Home?"
    "(Richard Garner) Well, you know, we're working on coming up with a story about that for the newsletter. Some of us want to say that you're the last survivor of the Russian Royal Family, others think we should say that you're The Lindbergh Baby."
    "(Vicki) But who am I REALLY? In Real Life?"
    "(Richard Garner) Real Life? What's that mean?"

    "(Bob Lloyod) Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello in..."

    "(Bob Lloyd) Dark 5 o'Clock Shadows, sponsored by Gillette."

    "(Richard) Miss Winters, if you're here to sue the Collins Family over David locking you in that room, I must warn you that we've already printed an interview with you where you admit that you went there voluntarily to meditate."
    "(Vicki) No, it's not that, it's just... (sinks in) you printed an interview with me without interviewing me?"
    "(Richard) Yes, we didn't want to bother you with a lot of questions. Besides, we weren't sure you knew the right answers."
    "(Vicki) But I was there at the time."
    "(Richard) Exactly. You're biased!"

    "(Richard) Well, if it's not that... good heavens, what happened to your sleeves??"
    "(Vicki) I believe in the right to bare arms."

    "(Richard) Oh. Well, as I say, if it's not that, what does bring you to my office?"
    "(Vicki) Well, I expect you know that I was brought up in a Foundling Home in New York, and..."
    "(Richard) Uh, yes, yes. And to save you from having to repeat it, let me just say that I believe that I know as much about you and your stories as Mrs. Stoddard does... And so does my analyst."

    "(Vicki) I wonder."
    "(Richard) You wonder what?"
    "(Vicki) Well, sometimes I get the feeling that Mrs. Stoddard knows more about me than she admits to."
    "(Richard) You mean that she's keeping something from you?"
    "(Vicki) It's just a feeling."
    "(Richard) Pain and suffering. We could probably ask for damages there. Maybe punitive damages too. Oh, wait. Elizabeth is my client. Pity."

    "(Vicki) I don't want to sue her, I just want to know who I am, and am afraid she knows and is hiding it."
    "(Richard) Well, why should she do something like that?"
    "(Vicki) I don't know. Maybe to protect me. Suppose that my father turned out to be a convicted murderer. Or insane."
    "(Richard) Or both!"
    "(Vicki) What do you know?????"
    "(Richard) Nothing, nothing, I was just giving a "for instance". But I think you're borrowing trouble here."
    "(Vicki) I usually don't have to borrow trouble. In fact, I usually have enough extra that people borrow from me."

    "(Richard) Well, it's true that Elizabeth wouldn't willingly see you hurt, Miss Winters, but on the other hand, I don't think she'd keep information from you."
    "(Vicki) Then what do you think she'd do if she had information that would hurt me? Would she hurt me or cover it up?"
    "(Richard) Uh... she'd tell."
    "(Vicki) Really?"
    "(Richard) No question about it. Why, she'd no sooner keep anything from you than I would."
    "(Vicki) Hmmmmm."

    "(Richard) Now, if there's anything else I can reassure you about, just let me know."
    "(Vicki) Well, I also wanted to show you this. (hands him a page)"
    "(Richard) Looks like a monthly wage sheet. On our letterhead. No date listed, but it's obviously from back in the days when Collinwood had servants to pay."
    "(Vicki) They still have Matthew Morgan. Don't they pay him?"
    "(Richard) Old Matthew? Yes, he is still employed there, but we don't cut his checks."
    "(Vicki) Who does?"
    "(Richard) Nobody. Matthew is the only caretaker I've ever heard of who's paid entirely in hamhocks."

    "(Richard) But why does this ledger interest you?"
    "(Vicki) Well, I'm interested in that one name right there. B. Hanscombe. Do you know her name?"
    "(Richard, studying it) Looks like B. Hanscombe."
    "(Vicki) I can see that, I mean do you know what the B stands for in her name."
    "(Richard) Why do you think it's a her? Don't boys sometimes have names starting with B?"
    "(Vicki) Well, I know there used to be a girl named Betty Hanscombe who lived in Collinsport."
    "(Richard) Well, this isn't her. The only Hanscombe who ever worked at Collinwood was the family butler."
    "(Vicki) The Collins's once had a butler?"
    "(Richard) Yes indeedly-doodly. They had a huge staff to handle all the parties, receptions, balls, and gala luncheons they used to hold constantly."
    "(Vicki) Really?? Just my luck to live there when the place is Spook Central."
    (canned laughter)"
    "(Richard, looking around) What's that sound??"


    "(Vicki) Well, do you know Hanscombe's first name?"
    "(Richard) You know, I haven't the vaguest notion. He was just always called Hanscombe. When people addressed him at all. Usually they just snapped their fingers for service."
    "(Vicki) It began with a B."
    "(Richard) Uh yes, so I see, but... I don't think I can remember. Hmmmm. Bluto? Billingsford? Barnabas? No, it's no use."
    "(Vicki) Well, what is that column of numbers next to each name?"
    "(Richard) That's their monthly salary."
    "(Vicki) Oh. I thought it was their hat size. I wondered why they all wore the same size hat."
    "(Richard) Well, you've got to remember that back in the Depression a buck went a lot farther than today ('Not that any of them got paid that much, mind you.')"

    "(Vicki) It's hard to believe there was ever any real gaiety at Collinwood."
    "(Richard) Hey, hey, there was NONE of that! I deny that completely."
    "(Vicki) You mean people weren't happy with all those parties going on?"
    "(Richard) Oh. OH! Gaiety! Oh, oh, well there was that. Even after Elizabeth married Paul Stoddard."
    "(Vicki) And it all stopped when he disappeared?"
    "(Richard) Uh, yes, I believe it was about that time that the servants were discharged, yes."
    "(Vicki) The very next day?"
    "(Richard) Uh... could be, could be."
    "(Vicki) And why were they all let go?"
    "(Richard) Let's see (pulls an old page out of a filing cabinet) Well, according to our newsletter, it's because they tried to form a Union... Hey, whaddya know? That's actually believable! Well, I'll be..."



    "(Vicki) So this sheet is 18 years old."
    "(Richard) Well, it could have been much more than that. Twenty, 25 years, even more. In those days, when an employee had a job at Collinwood, it was a job for life. It still is, though not in quite the same way, if you know what I mean."
    "(Vicki) Do you think any of the others on that list might know about B. Hanscombe."
    "(Richard) Possibly. But before you get your hopes up, I believe that all of them left Collinsport."
    "(Vicki) All of them?"
    "(Richard) All of them. There weren't that many snooty, rich, upper-class mansion jobs around Collinsport, given that Collinwood was the only snooty, rich, upper-class mansion in town. I remember that some of the staff tried applying for such jobs with the local fishermen, just for bookkeeping purposes, but when the unemployment office started laughing at them, they just left town."

    "(Vicki) Well, do you know where any of them went?"
    "(Richard) Well, I'm sure that most of them went to heaven."
    "(Vicki) I mean the ones still alive."
    "(Richard) Oh. Well no, there was no reason to keep in touch. I'll tell you what. We could come up with something if you like. How about if we say that they all became soldiers of fortune in the Foreign Legion?"
    "(Vick) No, no, I want to know where they went in Real Life."
    "(Richard) There you go with that real life stuff again. It's most confusing."


    "(Vicki) Do you think your partner might know where they went?"
    "(Richard) The other Mr. Garner? Well, if he did, I'd be very surprised."
    "(Vicki) Could I ask him anyway?"
    "(Richard, on intercom) Frank, would you step into my office a minute?"
    "(Frank Garner) Roger."
    "(Richard) That's Richard."

    "(Richard) You seem to indicate that all is not well at Collinwood."
    "(Vicki) Well, Mrs. Stoddard has been pretty upset about Mr. Malloy's death, but I think she's finally accepted that it was an accident."
    "(Richard) His death?? You mean that story got out? We printed that he'd gone on an African Safari?"
    "(Vicki) Oh yes. Half the town was at his funeral."
    "(Richard) Oh. Oh, I see."
    "(Vicki) So now will you print a retraction?"
    "(Richard) Young lady, we don't know the meaning of the word "retraction". We'll convince 'em of the safari story, all right. It'll just be a little harder now. Maybe if we print a series of letters from Bill talking about how much he's enjoying his trip..."
    "(Vicki) But that's dishonest!"
    "(Richard) No, no, only from a certain point of view, as Obi-Wan Kenobi says."
    "(Vicki) From an honest point of view?"
    "(Richard) Well, yes."

    "(Richard) Miss Winters, this is my son Frank, the other half of Garner & Garner."
    "(Frank Garner) Hello."
    "(Richard) Miss Winters comes to us from Collinwood, where she teaches young David."
    "(Frank Garner) And she's still alive? Hey, you've got my respect. We've been holding that African Safari on you ever since you came to Collinsport."
    "(Richard) Uh ixnay, ixnay..."

    "(Frank) You needed me?"
    "(Richard) Yes, Miss Winters wants to find out about something that happened 18 years ago."
    "(Frank) Well, as I recall, I usually refused my strained peas back then."
    "(Vicki) Oh, you're teasing me now. Of course he couldn't know anything about a 20 to 30 year old ledger. But then why is his name on the letterhead?"
    "(Richard) Oh, it isn't. In those days, the other Garner was my brother, Armstrong Ted Garner."
    "(Vicki) Oh? What happened to him?"
    "(Richard) He..."
    (looks in a filing cabinet)
    "(Richard) ...went on an African safari."
    "(Richard) I guess we really need to stop re-using that one."


    "(Frank) So, what's the scoop?"
    "(Vicki) Does he know about me?"
    "(Richard) No, I don't believe he does."
    "(Vicki) Well, it's a very long story, Mr. Garner."
    "(Frank) Call me Frank. And I don't have anything in particular to do for the next 24 hours."
    "(Richard) Well, from what I've heard of her, it may take more time than that, son."
    "(Frank) Well, give me the condensed version."
    "(Richard) That will be the condensed version, son."
    "(Frank) Oh, dear."


    "(Richard) Unfortunately, I must be off. I'm due in court."
    "(Vicki) Arguing a case?"
    "(Richard) Basketball court. I'm playing one-on-one with my bookie."
    "(Vicki) Dressed like that?"
    "(Richard) Of course not. I'm planning to take off my tie."

    (Richard Leaves)
    "(Frank) Now, if you'd just sign this paper stating that nothing happened while we were alone together. Very good."
    "(Vicki) You lawyers and your red tape."
    "(Frank) The pink copy is yours."

    "(Frank) Now, what can I do for you?"
    "(Vicki) It's about this sheet I found in Collinwood."
    "(Frank) Well, the laundry is two blocks west of here."
    "(Vicki) Not that kind of sheet. An illegible sheet."
    "(Frank) You mean ledger sheet?"
    "(Vicki) That too. I spilled coffee on it in Collinsport."


    "(Frank) Oh. Oh, yes of course. Lemme see... Yep. Yep, this is one of ours, all right."
    "(Vicki) Actually, I needed a little more information than that."
    "(Frank) You want more?? Normally, we'd charge somebody $49 just for telling them that much."
    "(Vicki) $49?? I could read it myself for less than that!"
    "(Frank) Yeah, but could you sue the stationery company if you got a paper cut?"

    "(Vicki) Well, it was made out a little bit before your time."
    "(Frank) What did Dad say about it?"
    "(Vicki) He said it was a monthly wage list from Collinwood when they had a lot of servants."
    "(Frank) You're not kidding, it looks like the roster for the Waldorf Astoria... Huh. Looks like everybody wore the same size hat in those days."
    "(Vicki) You know, that's exactly what I thought!!"


    "(Vicki) This sheet is from a long time ago. Since then, all the servants were dismissed, and most of the rooms were closed off. Now, there's only one caretaker to do the heavy work. That's all."
    "(Frank) How very odd."
    "(Vicki) Can you imagine why?"
    "(Frank) They're probably covering something up."
    "(Vicki) Any idea what?"
    "(Frank) No, 'fraid not. My job is burying the truth, not uncovering it."
    "(Vicki) Well, at least you still know what truth means. When I asked your father about it, he just got a very blank look in his eyes."


    "(Vicki) You have no idea why the servants were fired? Surely if you've been helping cover up things at Collinwood, you've known what you were covering up."
    "(Frank) Yeah, but I'm still fairly new. I haven't gotten to work on the big stuff yet. Mostly I write stories about how Carolyn Stoddard is really a natural blonde."
    "(Vicki) You mean she's not?????"
    "(Frank) Shhhh!! Shhhh! Shhhhh!!"


    "(Frank) I still don't see why the ledger is so important."
    "(Vicki) Well, I'm trying to find out who I am."
    "(Frank) Have you checked your driver's license?"
    "(Frank) Not funny?"
    "(Vicki) Heard it a thousand times."

    "(Vicki) You see, when I was a baby, I was left on the steps of a Foundling Home, and I grew up there always hoping to find out who my parents were. A short while ago, I came across the name B. Hanscombe, and I felt I had some connection with her, and then, it popped up here on this list."
    "(Frank) Did you ask Dad about it?"
    "(Vicki) Yes, he said it was the Collins Butler."
    "(Frank) Anything more?"
    "(Vicki) Nope. He didn't know his first name or where he is now."
    "(Frank) Well, this is a monthly wage list, so it shouldn't be too tough. After all, there are still only 12 months in a year, aren't there? Even if we have to cover, say, 20 years, that's still only, what? 240 lists? We could just go through the files."
    "(Vicki) And you think there might still be a record of this??"
    "(Frank) Ha! The firm of Garner & Garner never throws anything away."
    "(Vicki) Because you're so meticulous?"
    "(Frank) No, because we're slobs. I've kept meaning to have the Merry Maids in here."

    "(Vicki) You really think this can help?"
    "(Frank) Look, what you want to do is find out where B. Hanscombe is, right?"
    "(Vicki) Right."
    "(Frank) All right, well all I have to do is look at the last list with his name on it, and see if there's an address where that last check was sent. Simple?"
    "(Vicki) Well, you certainly make it sound simple."
    "(Frank) Look, Where are you staying? The hotel?"
    "(Vicki) Yes."
    "(Frank) Okay, look. Why don't you go back there? Looking through the files of Garner & Garner is a dusty job. I'll let you know the minute I find anything."
    "(Vicki) Okay."
    (Frank congratulates himself on arranging a quiet romantic afternoon in the files before realizing that he's sent Vicki away, and realizes that he's still got a lot to learn about making clumsy passes)


    (In the Fashionable Bangor Pine Hotel Restaurant...)
    "(Maitre d') May I take your order, madam?"
    "(Vicki) Yes, I'd like a hamburger sandwich and some French Fried potatoes."
    "(Maitre d' offended) We do not serve hamburgers here, madam!"
    "(Vicki) Oh. Well, don't feel bad..."
    (Maitre d' chokes back a scream)
    "(Vicki) ...I'll just have the House Special, and... the Soup du Jour of the Day."
    "(Maitre d') Sacre bleu!"
    (Leaves, muttering a string of (thankfully) uninterpretable French)


    "(Burke) May I join you?"
    "(Vicki) Why, am I coming apart?"
    "(Vicki) That's a joke."
    "(Burke) Oh, I see!"
    (doesn't see)"
    "(Vicki) Oh well, David seemed to like it. He didn't try to kill me for a whole day after I told it to him."

    "(Burke) I was asking if I could have dinner with you."
    "(Vicki) Well, how can I say no, now that you've already sat down at the table with me?"
    "(Burke) You could say no, and I could slink away, properly chastised."
    "(Vicki) You'd actually take no for an answer?"
    "(Burke) Of course I would... I'd have to get revenge against you later, of course."
    "(Vicki) How about if I eat dinner with you now to avoid eating crow later?"
    "(Burke) Excellent choice."

    "(Burke) So? No luck, huh?"
    "(Vicki) No, they didn't have hamburgers here."
    "(Burke) I mean about your past. Looks like you either washed out, or you found something and didn't like it."
    "(Vicki) Both wrong. I'm still waiting on an answer... But when I get one, I'm expecting... to either wash out or not like the answer."
    "(Burke) Okay, so I was close."
    "(Vicki) If the clue does pan out, you'll be completely wrong. I might be Victoria Schleperman before you know it."
    "(Burke) Victoria Schleperman?"
    "(Vicki) That's the name I imagine will be my real name if I find out what my real name is."
    "(Burke) Let me guess. That's so if you don't find out, you won't be too disappointed."
    "(Vicki) Right, how did you know?"
    "(Burke) This is scary. I'm starting to think like you."


    "(Maitre d', coming up) May I take your order, Monsieur?"
    "(Burke) Yes, do you serve crabs?"
    "(Maitre d') We serve anyone, sir."
    "(Burke) Hmmm. All right, just let me have the lamb chops, sausages, bread, and a cup of tea without milk."
    "(Maitre d') I'm afraid we're out of milk, Monsieur. Could I interest you in tea without cream?"


    "(Vicki) Sometimes I think there's a conspiracy against me ever finding out who I am."
    "(Burke) The mighty Collins Family keeping something from you? How could that be? What happened?"
    "(Vicki) Oh, I was unable to find anything about myself by reading 20 year old payroll records."
    "(Burke) Uh..... I've got to admit, even I would find it hard to bash the Collins Family for that, and I'm biased."
    "(Maitre d') Your dinner, madam."
    "(Vicki) Thank you. Oh. Waiter, your thumb is in my soup."
    "(Maitre d') Oh, that's all right. It's not hot."
    "(Vicki) Hmmmmm."

    "(Burke) Why did you think a 20 year old paysheet would help you, anyway?"
    "(Vicki) Can I trust you?"
    "(Burke) Why not? I trust me, and I'm willing to vouch for myself."
    "(Vicki) Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
    "(Burke) Uh, that one wasnt a joke. It was just a wry turn of phrase."
    "(Vicki) Oh."

    "(Vicki) What about all those threats you were making on the way up about how I'd better leave town?"
    "(Burke) Those weren't threats, they were warnings."
    "(Vicki) Warnings?"
    "(Burke) I care about you and want to protect you from all harm."
    (Vicki slurps her soup, and turns a bit green)
    "(Vicki) Well, you just missed a big opportunity (pushes it away)"
    (A frog pokes its head out of the soup, inviting Vicki to partake in a classic Abbott & Costello routine with him, but she isn't biting, either literally or figuratively)


    "(Vicki) Burke, I don't pretend to understand you for a minute."
    "(Burke) Awww, but I want you to pretend to understand me."
    "(Vicki) Well, do you understand me?"
    "(Burke) Heck, no. You came up to Bangor on the flimsiest excuse. You washed out (probably), and you still can't make yourself believe that the Collins Family is responsible for your troubles (even though in this one particular case it doesn't sound like they are)."


    "(Vicki) Well, I don't see any motive. Why should they hinder me?"
    "(Burke) You came up here hoping to find some relationship between the unknown Victoria Winters and the Collins Family, right?"
    "(Vicki) I don't think I like where this is leading."
    "(Burke) What? Oh no, no, I'm not saying you're not good enough for them. I'm saying they're not good enough for you."
    "(Vicki) Well, even so, that's no reason for them to hide it from me."
    "(Burke) Look I'm just saying that when you do find out who you are... or when some kind hearted white knight finds out for you as a way of making time with you, you'll find out that you're not a Collins, you're something much better."
    "(Vicki) Well, that's very nice of you to say."
    "(Burke) At least I hope so, because if you turned out to be a Collins, I'd have to destroy you."
    "(Vicki) Well, that's another thing."

    "(Vicki) Waiter, what's this DS Fly doing in my soup?"
    "(Maitre d') Looks like the breast stroke, ma'am."
    (Vicki blushes at the use of the word "breast")
    "(Maitre d') Your lamb chops, Monsieur, your tea, and your sausages."
    "(Burke) I asked for bread, too."
    "(Maitre d') It's in the sausages, sir."

    (Vicki checks out Burke's drink)
    "(Vicki) That's not your usual poison, is it?"
    "(Burke) What's wrong with tea?"
    "(Vicki) Nothing, I guess. It's just not my cup of tea, that's all."
    "(Burke) Er, yes."

    "(Burke) Well, I'm driving back to Collinsport tonight, and I don't want to get drunk, and spelled at the wheel by someone who'd get in an accident and then frame me for it."
    "(Vicki) What are the chances of something like that happening?... Again."
    "(Burke) You'd be surprised. Now, let's see, the lemon was 10¢, the sugar was 6¢, the tea itself was 51¢, so altogether, that makes..."
    "(Vicki) Gee, I never knew you to be a tea-totaller, Burke."


    "(Burke) How much longer will you be here?"
    "(Vicki) I might as well go back tonight. There's nothing else to do in Bangor now that my clue hasn't panned out."
    "(Burke) You could always take an actual vacation, you know?"
    "(Vicki) Oh Burke, there's nothing in a town like Bangor to interest a girl like me. You know how it is. After all, we're both from New York City, and..."
    "(Assembled Crowd) NEW YORK CITY?????"
    "(Patron) Get a rope!"


    "(Burke) Well all right, if you're leaving tonight, I'll be glad to give you another lift. Just let me get an update from Blair about my plans to destroy the Collins Family, and I'll be down about 5 or 6."
    "(Vicki) Destroy the Collins Family?"
    "(Burke) You didn't hear that."
    "(Vicki) Right."

    (Frank enters)
    "(Frank) Hello, Vicki. Am I interrupting?"
    "(Burke) Not at all, I was just leaving anyway. You can have my dinner, Mr..."
    "(Vicki) Mr. Devlin, this is Mr. Garner."
    "(Frank) Devlin, Devlin, that sounds familiar."
    "(Burke) Garner, Garner. That sounds familiar."
    "(Frank) Garner & Garner. Lawyers."
    "(Burke) Ha! Is Vicki suing the Collins' over being locked in that room??!"
    "(Vicki) Uh no, Burke."
    "(Burke) Wait, I know you! Is your father Richard Garner?"
    "(Frank) Yes, he is."
    "(Burke) Yes, he put me in the slammer for 5 years."
    "(Frank) Bummer."
    "(Burke) I wonder if you could give him something from me."
    "(Frank) Sure. What?"
    "(Burke) Ahhh never mind, I don't think you'd give your own father a broken nose. (leaves)"

    [Obligatory "Pull My Finger" caption not withheld, despite request.]

    "(Frank) Devlin. Now, where have I heard that name?"
    "(Vicki) Burke Devlin."
    "(Frank) Oh, is he the guy who writes all those captions??"
    "(Vicki) No, the other one. The one your father sent to jail."
    "(Frank) Oh. Well, I've read those captions. Somebody deserves to go to jail for some of 'em."


    "(Vicki) This is the Burke Devlin that your father and Roger Collins sent to jail for manslaughter."
    "(Frank) Oh, yes, of course. My dad told me the story when I was in Little League."
    "(Vicki) You were in Little League 10 years ago???"
    "(Frank) Er... Well yeah, but I was... old for my age."

    "(Vicki) Did your father tell you that Burke claimed he was innocent?"
    "(Frank) No, but I inferred it, considering that everyone does."
    "(Maitre d') And is everything all right here?"
    "(Frank, sampling Burke's food) Yes, waiter. Are these lamb chops or pork chops?"
    "(Maitre d') Well, can't you tell from the taste?"
    "(Frank) No."
    "(Maitre d') Then what difference does it make?"
    "(Frank) Hmmmmm. And what's the meaning of this DS fly in my soup??"
    "(Maitre d') Beats me, sir. I'm a waiter, not a fortune teller."


    "(Frank) So Devlin went to jail 10 years ago, and he got out 5 years ago, right?"
    "(Vicki) Right."
    "(Frank) Well, it looks like he's done pretty well for himself in the meantime."
    "(Vicki) He's made a fortune, or so I hear."
    "(Frank) I guess the prison connections paid off, huh?"
    "(Vicki, uncomfortable) Er, yes."

    "(Vicki) You didn't find out anything about B. Hanscombe, did you?"
    "(Frank) No, not in the office. But don't worry, we have cases of files in the warehouse. I'll look through them, as time permits, until I find an answer one way or the other."
    "(Vicki) Where's that waiter? He hasn't been around to sass us in several minutes."
    "(Frank) Ah, there you are, my good man. We could not have gone another second without you."
    "(Maitre d') May I help you?"
    "(Vicki) Let's get him."
    "(Frank) Right. Waiter, my soup tastes funny."
    "(Maitre d') Funny, you're not laughing."
    "(Vicki) Waiter, there's a dead DS fly in my soup."
    "(Maitre d') Well, what do you expect for a buck? A live one?"
    "(Vicki) He's good!"
    "(Frank) No kidding."

    (In Richard's Office)
    "(Richard) Hello Elizabeth, this is Garner. Now, I don't want to worry you, but Victoria Winters was in my office today, and asked a lot of questions."
    (Liz does a spit-take that somehow actually comes through the receiver!)


    "(Richard, drying himself off) No, no. Well, she called up my office asking for an appointment. I couldn't very well say no, could I? Now, don't worry. Everything is under control. Have I ever let you down?"
    "(Richard) Well, have I let you down lately?"


    "(Richard) Oh, excuse me just a moment, Elizabeth. The lights went out... What?... No, I give up. How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?"
    (normally we'd fade to black at this point, but we're already there)

    "(Bob Lloyd) Isn't he married to Madeleine L'Engle?"
    "(Dan Curtis) Yeah, she told him to stop loafing around the house and get a job."

    "(Bob Lloyd) Conard Fowkes? I thought he played Mr. Wells."
    "(Dan Curtis) No, that's Conrad Bain."
    "(Bob Lloyd) Conard Bain?"
    "(Dan Curtis) CONRAD Bain!"


    "(Richard's Voice) Miss Partridge, what do you think my chances are of suing the Power Company over this?"
    "(Miss Partridge) Well, I'd say that depends on whether you can Garner enough support. Ah, ha, ha, ha, ha!"
    "(Richard) Any judge would award pain and suffering damages for that joke."

              Episode 92:   In Bangor, Vicki meets Collins lawyers Richard and Frank Garner, a father and son team, and tries to learn clues from her past.