TOM LEHRER REVISITED

4. The Old Dope Peddler

You are no doubt familiar with songs about the old lamplighter and the old umbrella man and the old garbage collector and all these lovable old characters who go around spreading sweetness and light to their respective communities. But, it's always seemed to me that there is one member of this happy band who does an equally splendid job, but who has never been properly recognized in song or story, and this is an attempt to remedy, at least in part, that deplorable situation.

When the shades of night are falling,
Comes a fellow everyone knows.
It's the old dope peddler,
Spreading joy wherever he goes.

Every evening you will find him,
Around our neighborhood.
It's the old dope peddler
Doing well by doing good.

He gives the kids free samples,
Because he knows full well
That today's young innocent faces
Will be tomorrow's clientele.

Here's a cure for all your troubles,
Here's an end to all distress.
It's the old dope peddler
With his powdered happiness.

I know it's very bad form to quote one's own reviews, but I would like to mention something that the New York Times said about me a year ago which I've always treasured - they said: "Mr. Lehrer's muse is not fettered by such inhibiting factors as - taste".

Notes

      Lehrer Comments:  "[The Old Dope Peddler] was just intended as a takeoff on a certain genre of sentimental songs, like The Old Lamplighter and The Umbrella Man, which no one remembers any more. The idea was, it was only going to be funny if I took the most repulsive, antisocial character to write the song about. I thought about doing The Abortionist, but at that time you couldn't even say that. The dope peddler was the second choice, so there it was." -- 1996 Interview

For comparison purposes, here are the lyrics to the two songs mentioned as inspiration for The Old Dope Peddler:

THE OLD LAMPLIGHTER by Jim Ed Brown and The Browns He made the night a little brighter Wherever he would go The old lamplighter Of long, long ago His snowy hair was so much whiter Beneath the candle glow The old lamplighter Of long, long ago You'd hear the patter of his feet As he came toddling down the street His smile would cheer a lonely heart you see. If there were sweethearts in the park He'd pass a lamp and leave it dark Remembering the days that used to be For he recalled when things were new He loved someone who loved him too Who walks with him alone in memories He made the night a little brighter Wherever he would go The old lamplighter Of long, long ago His snowy hair was so much whiter Beneath the candle glow The old lamplighter Of long, long ago Now if you look up in the sky You'll understand the reason why The little stars at night are all aglow He turns them on when night is near He turns them off when dawn is here The little man we left so long ago He made the night a little brighter Wherever he would go The old lamplighter of long, long ago

THE UMBRELLA MAN by Kay Kyser Toodle - luma luma Toodle - luma luma Toodle - oh lay Any umbrellas, any umbrellas To mend today? Bring your parasol, it may be small. It may be big He will fix them all on what you call a thing-a-ma-jig Pitter patter patter! Pitter patter patter! It looks like rain. Let it pitter patter. Let it pitter patter. Who cares for rain? He'll mend your umbrellas, then go on his way Singing toodle luma luma. Toodle luma luma. Any umbrellas to mend today. When there's a lull And things are dull He'll sharpen knives for all the wives In the neighborhood And he's very good. He'll darn a sock Or fix a clock An apple cart A broken heart -- He'll mend anything but he'd much rather sing - Toodle - luma luma Toodle - luma luma Toodle-oh-lay Any umbrellas - any umbrellas To mend today? He'll mend your umbrella Then go on his way singing Toodle luma luma Toodle luma luma Any umbrellas to mend today.

Click here to return to the Tom Lehrer main page.
Click here to return to the Overstocked Surplus Warehouse.