TOM LEHRER REVISITED

9. My Home Town

Next we have the dear-hearts-and-gentle-people's school of songwriting, in which the singer tells you that, no matter how much sin and vice and crime go on where he comes from, it's still the best place in the world because it's home, you know? Sort of gets you. This example is called My Home Town.

I really have a yen
To go back once again,
Back to the place where no one wears a frown,
To see once more those super-special just plain folks
In my home town.

No fellow could ignore
The little girl next door,
She sure looked sweet in her first evening gown.
Now there's a charge for what she used to give for free
In my home town.

I remember Dan, the druggist on the corner, he
Was never mean or orner-y,
He was swell.
He killed his mother-in-law and ground her up real well,
And sprinkled just a bit
Over each banana split.

The guy that taught us math,
Who never took a bath,
Acquired a certain measure of renown,
And after school he sold the most amazing pictures
In my home town.

That fellow was no fool
Who taught our Sunday School,
And neither was our kindly Parson Brown -
(We're recording tonight, so I'll have to leave this line out.) *
In my home town.

I remember Sam, he was the village idiot,
And though it seems a pity, it
Was so.
He loved to burn down houses just to watch the glow,
And nothing could be done,
Because he was the mayor's son.

The guy that took a knife
And monogrammed his wife,
Then dropped her in the pond and watched her drown.
Oh, yes indeed, the people there are just plain folks
In my home town.

Notes

      ^* In the studio recording this line is:  "I guess I better leave this line out just to be on the safe side".

      ^* In some live performances, this line is given as: "Shall I? No, I'd better not."

      ^* The question that comes up over and over again is what is the line that is being omitted here? Answer: There isn't one. Leaving it to the imagination is funnier than any line could be. But for those who doubt that, feel free to try to come up with one and send it in. I've had little luck myself. One possible line I've come up with is "He knew to pull the blinds at all the 'parish meetings' in my Home Town," which at least has the virtue of having the proper number of syllables, but is hardly worse (or even as bad) as most of the lines that didn't get omitted. Anybody think they can do better? (I mean worse).

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