(Closed Captioned For the Comedy Impaired)

Text Copyright © 1999-2016 by Graeme Cree
Adapted from original scripts by Sam Hall, Gordon Russell and Joe Caldwell
Images copyright by Dan Curtis Productions, and created by Linda Cree

Current Episode: Episode 1089

Dark Shadows Captions is (are?) a novel-length photo-comic adaptation of the original 1966-1971 Dark Shadows series. The original storylines are re-told through a series of captioned photos, scene by scene, episode by episode, but all of the dialogue is rewritten in the form of a sitcom. Currently, we're going through the "Summer 1970 Story", a 49-episode storyline that ran from Episodes 1061-1109.


Episode List

          Episode 1061:   Vampire Barnabas Collins and his not-so-youthful ward Dr. Julia Hoffman return from an adventure in “Parallel Time” (a parallel universe in their own attic) to find themselves in the Far Future (only 20 years ago), and their home of Collinwood deserted and in ruins. Searching for clues, they the grave of young David Collins, who died in 1970. There they encounter family maid Mrs. Johnson, who is far too scared and nutty to tell them anything, but directs them to the beachfront house of someone named Fredericks who can explain everything. They go there, hoping against hope that it’s not Fredericks of Collinwood.

          Episode 1062:   "Fredericks" turns out to be Barnabas’ cousin, Carolyn, who survived some disaster 25 years ago, sans a few of her marbles. She not only won’t tell them what happened, but giggles incessantly over the fact that they don’t know. Barnabas hides from the daylight in the mausoleum, while Julia, whose wardrobe is finally in fashion in 1995, goes to the Courthouse to find what happened to the Collins family. She comes up against a brick wall (proving again that you can’t fight City Hall), but runs into their old (now much older) friend Professor Stokes. Stokes, who is now quite a bit more curmudgeonly than in 1970 gives her the usual warnings about getting out of town without asking any nosy questions.

          Episode 1063:   Barnabas is rendered homeless once again when Carolyn discovers the secret room in the mausoleum where he hides his coffin. He decides to relocate to the Now Even Older House (formerly known as The Old House). Barnabas and Julia investigate a strange glowing ball of light in Collinwood, only to find a strange growling Sheriff, who has been sent by Carolyn to boot trespassers from her property. The Sheriff gives them the usual warning about leaving town without asking too many nosy questions, but Julia explains they already got that memo from Stokes. Returning to Collinwood to snoop some more, they see a strange sneering ghost sneering at them from one of the windows.

          Episode 1064:   Pondering the meaning of the sneering ghost, Barnabas and Julia try once more to wring information out of Carolyn, with predictably poor results. Carolyn is convinced that the rest of the family will return from whatever unspeakable fate befell them, but will provide no answers as to what that was. Mrs. Johnson stops by later to try to tell them what happened. She manages to give them a clue about a “Playroom”, but unfortunately, the sight of the sneering ghost sends Mrs. Johnson running off into the night where she is quickly dispatched. Barnabas and Julia follow Carolyn to a mysterious room in Collinwood, the only room in the house that isn’t in ruins, and sure enough, it does look a bit like a Playroom.

          Episode 1065:   Carolyn is furious that Barnabas and Julia followed her to this “Playroom”, but refuses to answer any questions about it, or about the two mysterious figures that disappeared just as they walked in. Barnabas and Julia try to wring the truth out of Stokes, who claims not to know what happened in 1970. He does however inform them that Quentin Collins, the show’s heart throb, recently escaped from a mental institution by carving a gun out of a bar of granola. Returning home, Barnabas and Julia add the names “Tad” and “Carrie” to their list of meaningless clues, and encounter Quentin himself. Quentin, who has a portrait of Dorian Gray that does his aging for him, still looks like he did in 1970. Unfortunately, Quentin is also stark raving mad, which the portrait doesn’t do beans about. Barnabas and Julia lead Quentin to the Playroom to see what will happen, where they meet David Collins himself (Wait a minute, didn't we say he was dead?)

          Episode 1066:   David disappears when Barnabas and Julia enter the Playroom (so he was a ghost, after all!). Only Quentin insists it wasn't David, it was someone called Tad. But Quentin is too afraid of the Sneering Ghost to tell them more.

In the woods, they spot David's ghost dancing with a cute blonde ghost they've never seen before. Quentin refuses to identify her, as he's too busy mooning over some other ghost named Daphne.

Next afternoon, just before dusk, Julia spots the little blonde ghost (let us call her Goldilocks) outside the window. Julia follows Goldilocks through the woods, to Collinwood, and up to the Playroom, where the door slams and locks behind her, leaving her in the clutches of the Sneering Ghost. In hindsight it seems kind of obvious.

          Episode 1067:   Professor Stokes comes to visit Barnabas. Stokes claims to have been in Switzerland during the war, or something like that. In any case, he doesn't know what caused the disaster in 1970. For some reason, Quentin blames Stokes for the disaster and tries to play a fandango on his noggin.

Julia returns, now mind-locked by the Sneering Ghost, and tries to undermine all Barnabas' ideas to deal with it. (An exorcism? No, no, no, you wouldn't want to do that.)

Barnabas sees a dark-haired lady ghost in his Drawing Room, and sonofagun, if it isn't Kate Jackson from Charlie's Angels! Barnabas resoves then and there, no more biting hippies.

          Episode 1068:   Julia convinces Barnabas he just imagined the Charlie's Angels ghost, and thinks they should try to get back to 1970 now and worry about what caused the disaster later. Quentin seems quite excited at the news, though, and it looks like this is the Daphne person he'd been mooning over. Barnabas and Julia explore the ruins of Collinwood to find the family history. Before they can read about 1840 (the time when Daphne lived), the ghosts "spirit" the book away.

Carolyn comes to the Old House and leaves a note saying that she's recovered enough of her marbles to remember what happened, and asks Barnabas to meet her at Collinwood (the most dangerous place available), where she'll sing like Tweety Pie. Barnabas goes to meet her, but sure enough, the ghosts get to her first. We're going to have to change the name of this place to Lemmingwood.

          Episode 1069:   Carolyn is dead, but she left behind six clues to what led up to the disaster in 1970. Unfortunately, they all seem like the kind of clues that won't make any sense until after it's too late. Carolyn's body goes missing, and Barnabas, Julia and the Sheriff find it laid out in the Playroom. They try to tell the Sheriff that a sneering ghost named Gerard killed her, which goes over predictably badly. The Sheriff has a talk with Julia (who is still mind-locked by Gerard, as you'll recall). Sure enough, the next evening at dusk, the Sheriff is at Barnabas' coffin with a cross and silver bullets, reading him his Miranda Rights.

          Episode 1070:   "Goldilocks" (whose name is Carrie, by the way), distracts the Sheriff long enough for Barnabas to kill the Sheriff (but he does not kill the Deputy!). Barnabas discovers that Julia is mind-locked by Gerard, and basically tells her to knock it off. They call Stokes to do a seance to summon Carolyn's ghost to ask her what her vague clues mean. This only succeeds in getting Stokes killed too. Now, with the last of their friends dead, they realize it's time to try to get back to 1970. Carrie leads them to a mysterious staircase, which leads them to a room where Carrie herself is suddenly alive, and Collinwood is no longer in ruins. Barnabas and Julia have no idea what this could mean, but it seems kind of obvious, doesn't it?

          Episode 1071:   The blonde girl turns out to be Hallie Stokes, Professor Stokes' nephew, who is staying at Collinwood to replace David's old partner in crime, Amy. Barnabas and Julia discover that they've somehow travelled back to 1970 on that staircase. They rush downstairs to tell Quentin and Elizabeth that they've returned from Parallel Time, by way of 1995, and that a big disaster is about to destroy the house and family, especially David and Hallie. Quentin and Liz are dubious. In fact, Quentin takes them upstairs and shows them that the room that was the Playroom in 1995 is actually a Linen Closet now. The closet has five skeletons in it, but that's probably nothing to do with 1995.

          Episode 1072:   Barnabas questions David and Hallie about Playrooms and ghosts, but it's too early. For them none of it has started yet. Professor Stokes drops by, younger and less crusty than in the future. Barnabas tells Stokes everything that happened in 1995. They resolve to work closely together to prevent the disaster, and Stokes promptly disappears for nearly the remainder of the story. That night David dreams of the Carousel and Playroom, and seeing Hallie in a dress just like the one Carrie wore in 1995 (only David doesn't know that! Shh!). Meanwhile, Hallie finds that the same dress has been laid out on her bed by spook or spooks unknown.

          Episode 1073:   Family matriarch Elizabeth is understandably upset by Barnabas and Julia's predictions of disaster, and so does what any reasonable person would do: hires an astrologer to do her horoscope. The astrologer, Sebastian, looks exactly like Carolyn's late husband, Jeb, killed two storylines ago during the Leviathan World Domination Operation (don't ask!). Meanwhile, Hallie accuses David of leaving the dress on her bed (plausible), and David accuses Hallie of causing his dream (not plausible). That night David gets a mysterious note saying to meet him at the Gazebo. When he turns up, he finds Hallie herself wearing that mysterious dress. If he were about three years older, this would be pretty sexy.

          Episode 1074:   Hallie doesn't know what she's doing there, or how she got into the dress. She accuses David of engineering it all, but teenage boys are more interested in getting girls OUT of clothes than in. Liz's Astrologer, Sebastian Shaw, delivers her horoscope, and confirms that there will be no Collinwood-destroying disasters this year, or double her money back. Daphne, the Charlie's Angels ghost from 1995, appears to David and Hallie, and leads them to the Playroom. There's still nothing there but the linen closet, but presumably everything will soon come out in the wash.

          Episode 1075:   Barnabas and Julia start hitting the books, to try to learn something about those ghosts from 1840 and the six clues to the disaster that Carolyn left before she died in 1995. Quentin comes down and asks if they aren't going to take a break to watch the cool Lunar Eclipse tonight? As they watch, they realize that a Lunar Eclipse might also be described as "The Night of the Sun and Moon", which was the first one of Carolyn's clues! While they're busy watching the eclipse trying to figure out how it's relevant, they don't notice David and Hallie discovering the Playroom upstairs. Apparently, Carolyn's clues were a list of things NOT to get sidetracked with if they wanted to prevent the disaster.

          Episode 1076:   Following instructions on a note they found, Hallie and David discover the same Playroom Barnabas and Julia found in 1995 in a room that looks like the Linen Closet to everyone else. David is a bit freaked, but everything seems perfectly normal to Hallie, who seems like a different person while the Carousel is on (so naturally, David leaves it on as long as possible). Quentin, whose Love Life has been none too good lately, starts to get interested in finding this good looking Charlie's Angels ghost that Julia says he was in love with in 1995. But Daphne is busy trying to get Hallie to put that Mind Controlling Ghost Dress back on again so they won't need the carousel. Quentin has a shocking dream about meeting Daphne in the dark and her giving him a big bouquet of lilacs (shocking in the sense that we never imagined that Quentin's dreams were that G-rated).

          Episode 1077:   Daphne meets Quentin, gives him a bouquet of flowers, then promptly disappears (the little minx!) He chases all over the house looking for her, but comes up empty. Since the second of Carolyn's clues is a picnic, Quentin takes Carolyn and Maggie on one, to invite trouble. While developing the pictures from the Picnic, David thinks he sees a face in the background of one of the pictures. While trying to figure out if he really does, Gerard himself materializes behind him and gives David the bunny ears.

          Episode 1078:   Downstairs, Julia gets that Feeling of Impending Doom, which means either that Gerard is in the house or Mrs. Johnson is cooking dinner. Quentin finds Daphne's old room, and Daphne's old diary. Quentin tries to confess everything to Julia, but the sight of Daphne in the window turns his knees to jelly. Quentin meets Daphne in the cemetery for a midnight rendezvous, where she promptly tries to stick a dagger in his back.

          Episode 1079:   In a moment of compassion, Daphne decides not to stab Quentin (or maybe she knew she'd never be rid of him if he were a ghost too). Hallie puts on the orange dress and becomes Carrier, her 19th century counterpart again. Hallie/Carrie tells a story of going to Gerard's ship, and accidentally seeing Daphne kissing Santa Claus, or Gerard, or somebody. She worries about being punished, but as this happened in 1840, the Statute of Limitations is surely expired by now. Quentin decides to try to exorcise the House to put the ghosts at rest, but succeeds in getting nothing more than a dirty look from Daphne. David talks Hallie into holding their own séance to try to see what the ghosts want of them, but it's probably just an excuse to hold hands.

          Episode 1080:   The ghost of Tad (David's 19th century counterpart) speaks through David at the séance, but says nothing interesting. Hallie and David attempt to tell Liz about the ghosts, but are spooked by the sight of a model ship (they spook easily). Carolyn sees Liz living her life by her new horoscope, and resolves to have hers done too. Liz recognizes it as an excuse to make time with that astrologer who looks just like her late husband. Liz orders Carolyn not to talk to Sebastian about a horoscope, and Carolyn obeys her (Just kidding). Hallie finds David in the Playroom dressed in 19th century clothes, and then sees him outside in regular clothes a moment later. It's a perplexing mystery until she realizes that the other "David" was just Tad's ghost, and it was one of those Three's Company style misunderstandings.

          Episode 1081:   David becomes possessed by the Ghost of Tad, but Hallie manages to snap him out of it through a combination of yelling, shaking him, and begging and pleading. Sebastian informs Carolyn that he’s not going to finish her horoscope, because Liz doesn’t approve of their association, and he knows what side his bread is buttered on. Unfortunately, “The Unfinished Horoscope” was another one of Carolyn’s clues, which means another clue has been botched. (The good news is there are only three more to botch). Barnabas goes to Sebastian’s Pad to beg and plead for him to finish the Horoscope. There he meets Roxanne, the Lost Love he left behind in Parallel Time (most people just leave their hearts in San Francisco).

          Episode 1082:   Barnabas tries to chat up Roxanne, but she thinks “You look just like a girl I left in a Parallel Universe” is just a line. Hallie gets possessed by the Ghost of Carrie, but this time David manages to shake the spirits out of her. David dreams of being in Rose Cottage with two mannequins, while a Giant Daphne peeps in at them through the windows. When he wakes up, he and Hallie discover a dollhouse with dolls that look like the mannequins, which can only mean that the dollhouse is the Rose Cottage that Julia and Barnabas are looking for… Probably.

          Episode 1083:   Rose Cottage is one of Carolyn’s clues. Julia is looking for it in old Tax Records, not realizing it’s a dollhouse in the Playroom. This is probably funny, but David and Hallie aren’t laughing. Professor Stokes pays a visit to Sebastian to see if he’s a real Psychic, or just one of those Miss Cleo style psychics. David and Hallie find two dolls in Rose Cottage that look just like them. They reason that if they destroy the dolls, it will break the spirits’ hold over them. Either that or it will kill them, but either way, it’s worth a try. After being thrown in the fireplace, the dolls turn up undamaged back in Rose Cottage moments later. David and Hallie aren’t killed, but they aren’t free either, so it’s kind of a draw.

          Episode 1084:   Professor Stokes convinces Julia that they should make use of Sebastian’s psychic powers. After all, she and Barnabas have done diddly so far. (No offense). Sebastian tries, but still isn’t willing to risk upsetting Liz, his richest client, so lies and claims to have seen nothing useful. In the Playroom, David and Hallie hear music, see lights and even see living people in Rose Cottage, just like in that Twilight Zone episode that they wouldn’t show for decades. They decide to warn the others by writing down everything that’s happened to them, and “accidentally” let their notes be found. David isn’t good at very much, but one thing he CAN do is get caught.

          Episode 1085:   David and Hallie’s notes are found by the Ghosts of Tad and Carrie, who possess David and Hallie long enough to destroy the notes before they can be read by anyone else, ending that subplot. Quentin has another clandestine meeting with Daphne’s Ghost, afraid that their clandestine affair might endanger the others. Daphne kisses his fears away (don’t ask), and gives him the diary of the original Quentin, who lived in 1840. Julia starts looking through old books for any mention of the odd Staircase in Time that brought them back from 1995. She finds mentions of an Escalator, an Elevator, even a Dumbwaiter in Time, but no Staircase. Meanwhile, David and Hallie find the Staircase in Time, with Tad and Carrie’s ghosts on it telling them to try it out, it’s REALLY fun!

          Episode 1086:   David and Hallie somehow resist Tad and Carrie’s invitation to get lost in Time and Space, and the Staircase disappears. The ghosts retaliate by locking David and Hallie in David’s bedroom. When David sneaks down the Fire Escape to unlock the door, Liz finds Hallie locked in the room alone. Hallie deflects suspicion by saying David did it to her. (D’oh!) David and Hallie dream of Gerard killing Tad and Carrie in 1840, and when they wake up, they meet Gerard himself in the flesh… (Well, you know what I mean).

          Episode 1087:   From the next room, Julia hears David screaming at the sight of Gerard, but by the time she arrives, Gerard is gone, and David is denying everything. Julia tries to kiss up to Sebastian, but “kissing up” isn’t very persuasive when it comes from her. David tries to get Sebastian to do his horoscope so he’ll at least know when the ghosts are going to kill him. After catching Gerard and Daphne smooching, Gerard tries to strangle Quentin. Of course, if he succeeds, it will turn Quentin into a ghost too, making him even more suitable as a suitor for Daphne, so obviously Gerard hasn’t thought this out very well.

          Episode 1088:   Julia scares Gerard away before he can strangle Quentin (Julia is the only living person at Collinwood who scares ghosts). Liz calls Sebastian over to explain her horoscope. Sebastian doesn’t want to go, but Roxanne bullies him into it (She’s got a mean right cross). Sebastian warns Liz that an Enemy that her horoscope says will become a friend might in fact be a dead enemy, but around here that possibility sort of goes without saying. Liz is spooked (pun intended) by the whole business, and decides that getting David and Hallie out of the house might be a good idea after all. However, before she can hit the Panic Button, she comes face to face with Gerard. Thank goodness he’s about to become a friend...

          Episode 1089:   Gerard Mind-Locks Liz to keep her from getting Hallie and David out of the house. Upstairs, David and Hallie realize that they haven’t been possessed for a couple of days now. After a couple of milkshakes, they get the crazy idea of standing on Gerard’s grave at midnight to see if his spirit is at rest (Short Answer: It isn’t). David discovers an old note from Gerard telling somebody or other to wave a green flag in the Tower Room at midnight. Having nothing better to do, he runs up to the Tower Room, and, sure enough, finds a green flag. As he starts to wave it, the ground begins rumbling in Eagle Hill Cemetery, which is never a good sign...


Dark Shadows Captions 10; Chapters 410-411:
From The 1795 Story. Barnabas rises as a vampire for the first time, and learns about cell mitosis.

Dark Shadows Captions 6; Chapter 92:
A sample chapter (Chapter 92, in fact) from one of the Dark Shadows Captions Books. (the 6th one, in fact), which is also the 92nd "chapter" of the Burke Devlin story, the Cast List for which you can read above. Comes with a Quick-Start Guide to the Story So Far, and actually stands on its own quite well.

Episode 54, Where Are You?:
After years of captioning Dark Shadows episodes in the manner shown in the sample chapter above, we finally had the bright idea that the same method could be used to present the episodes in their original form. What a concept, huh? And as it happens, there's one episode that never got shown in the 5 times that the Sci-Fi Channel aired the series. Due to a film can labeling error, they always showed Episode 59 twice, and Episode 54 not at all.

The Dark Shadows Viewmaster Reels:
A tongue-in-cheek look at the Dark Shadows Viewmaster package, put out in 1968. Not for the faint of heart or uninitiated, as Viewmaster turned the story into a totally incomprehensible mess.

The Collins Family In History...

"(Nicholas) Is it really true? That story that Isaac Collins bought Collinsport from the Indians for $24 worth of brandy?"
"(Stokes) Yes indeed. It was regarded as the most one-sided deal in the history of the colonies."
"(Nicholas) By historians?"
"(Stokes) By Isaac. Unfortunately, by the time he came to his senses, the Indians had already drunk all the brandy."

"(Nicholas) What about the revolutionary period? Did any of the Collins family make their mark there?"
"(Stokes) Oh yes, several. For example, Nathan Hale Collins, famous for saying "I regret that I have but one draught to lift to my country." Or John Paul Collins, who said "I have not yet begun to drink." Patrick Henry Collins: "Give me brandy or give me death." And then of course, there was Benedict Collins."
"(Nicholas) What did he say?"
"(Stokes) He didn't say anything, he was head of the Temperance League."

"(Amy) Who's that portrait?"
"(David) That's Thaddeus Collins. He used to write battle cries in the Civil War."
"(Amy) What do you mean he wrote battle cries?"
"(David) You know, like "Don't Give up the Ship". "I have not yet begun to fight". "Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead". He came up with sayings like that to help inspire the troops."
"(Amy) Those ones are famous. What's one he came up with?"
"(David) Well, he's best known for one he wrote for the 20th Maine at Little Round Top: "Wait until you see their head, then give 'em some lead."
"(Amy) He went into battle yelling that?"
"(David) No, he shot himself in the foot to get out of battle that day. He just told it to his Lieutenant."
"(Amy) That doesn't seem very courageous."
"(David) The men turned on the Lieutenant, they say."

The Collins Family In Business...

"(Chris) You know, if you'd asked me a week ago what I knew about the Collinses, I'd have said "Zip". Now they're taking care of my sister."
"(Carolyn) Well, life is funny."
"(Chris) I'd have said 'Oh yeah, they're the ones who live in that haunted house on Widow's Hill'."
"(Carolyn) Well, it's not exactly "haunted", it's more... atmospheric."
"(Chris) They're the ones who own that cannery that pays minimum wage, and leads the northeast in industrial accidents."
"(Carolyn) Can we go back to "Zip"?"

"(Carolyn) Have you ever known the Collins family to take in strangers? For years, nothing. Then suddenly Jason McGuire and Julia Hoffman both take up long-term residence within the space of a few months, for no obvious reason. Didn't you wonder why?"
"(Tony) Yeah, I did think that was strange."
"(Carolyn) Well, surely you knew it was something scandalous."
"(Tony) Oh, well of course. But you can't put too much stock in that. I'm biased, I think everything the Collins family does is scandalous. I even thought it was a scandal when they painted their fence last year."
"(Carolyn) I don't remember anyone thinking that was a scandal."
"(Tony) No, they managed to whitewash that one."

"(Blair) You'll notice that the only Collins property that doesn't have a mortgage on it is the big house; Collinwood itself."
"(Burke) I suppose pride kept them from putting that up for hock."
"(Blair) Not at all. According to Mr. Harris, Mrs. Stoddard's banker, she practically got down on one knee and begged him to let her borrow money off of it, but he turned her down. It seems the place isn't considered an asset. It's more of a liability."
"(Burke) I wonder why?"
"(Blair) Who would want it? A big old house like that? A century old, and full of secrets. Anyone buying it would be likely to have it seized, anyway. Either by the state as a historical landmark, or by the FBI as a crime scene."

The Collins Family In Miscellany...

"(Liz Stoddard, reading) Which Greedy Capitalist do you most resemble? Take this simple quiz... Oh, look! The article lists me as one of the possible answers! Well, I'd better answer these questions carefully. I'd hate to find out that I wasn't like myself..."

"(Chris) What is this place?"
"(Barnabas) It's the mausoleum secret room."
"(Chris) I can see that, but why does such a thing even exist?"
"(Barnabas) It was built during the Revolutionary War to store ammunition for the Battle of Bunker Hill."
"(Chris) Collinsport, Maine is kind of a long way from Bunker Hill, isn't it?"
"(Barnabas) That's why, until they streamlined the process, Minutemen were referred to as Fortnightmen."

Identifying Themselves:
"(Roger) Who answered when you called Collinwood just now?"
"(Sam) I couldn't tell."
"(Roger) Well, 'Whiny' is Carolyn, 'Bratty' is David, 'Clueless' is Miss Winters, and 'Haughty' is Liz."
"(Sam) It was Prissy."
"(Roger) Well, that's me, and I know you didn't talk to me!"


Group Name: Dark Shadows Captions

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